Holy Toledo Batman! Los Banditos Rojo Gano Enchilada!

Holy priceless collection of Etruscan Snoods! The Red Bandits have done it! Let the celebration begin! Everybody, dance the Batusi!





The Bandits won 8 of their last 9 games to go from also-rans to champeens of the entire Enchilada. How did they do it? Looking over their lineup, perhaps they were better than the Watchdog gave them credit for all along? But let's not go crazy.


Certainly there were a few moves here and there, some worked well, some not so well. Trading LT2 for BarberIII seemed like a good plan until LT2 put it into gear, averaging nearly 13 per game after being traded vs 6.5 before. MBIII meanwhile averaged 9.0 per game and was benched for the Enchilada. Certainly the team was based on #1 fantasy scorer Aaron Rodgers, who went toe to toe with Drew Brees in the finals, even though Brees was playing Tampa Bay's disvaunted D. Did the Wombats over-analyze their matchups? Well, they did bench #3 RB in the league MJDrew in favor of #27 RB Brandon Jacobs, who ended up the season with just better than half Drew's point total. And while Drew outscored Jacobs 9-0, ultimately that mattered not at all. But more on the Bandits - certainly DeAngelo Williams getting hurt helped them tremendously, as Jonathan Stewart scored nearly half his points for the season in the last 4 weeks including a 200-yard and 1 TD performance against the Giants unvaunted D. Brent Celek was another key for the Bandits, out-pointing Antonio Gates in the finals. And the Bandits alertly re-acquired Dallas D off the waiver wire in time for the finals and all they did was pitch a shut-out against the imvaunted Redskins O. The Wombats would neither confirm nor deny that their offensive coordinator was being relegated to a bingo parlor for next season. At Wide Receiver, TO experienced a rebirth of sorts, averaging 11.5 per game from week 8-14. And having Marques Colston, who finished as the 10th best WR in the league, going against Brees in the finals seems like pretty good insurance against a big game from Brees.


So the Wombats gambit to win it all again fell short. Interestingly, Brees was outscored by Matt Ryan 28-16 in the finals, and Jacobs was outscored by Drew 9-0. Only Gates was worth trading for, outscoring Shockey 13-0. That said, Brees was exactly 5 points better than Ryan in the semi-finals, and the Wombats' winning margin over Dale's Doormats was 4. So one could argue the trade was worthwhile.






In the Constipation Bowl, it was Fish In A Barrell getting a sack with 1:12 left in the 3rd quarter, followed two plays later by a signature Cutler interception sending them from 2 points down to 1 up. They followed with one more sack for good measure and found themselves Constipation Bowl Champeens. And there was much rejoicing. So the obvious question, given that the Doormats started Jason Campbell (8 points) over Jay Cutler (35 points), is what the heck was Coach Dale thinking?!?!? Well, allow me to make a quick guess - Campbell had averaged just under 25 points per game for the previous 4 weeks, where Cutler had averaged just over 12 points per game over the same period. Crazy? Crazy like a tack, I think. Interesting perhaps only to me, both teams scored exactly 77 points with their benches. Evenly matched? In a word.


And finally, the Toilet Bowl - a story of redemption cut short at the last moment. Pep & Cheez, a team frankly surprised to still be playing in any game in week 16, found themselves ahead by 19 going into last night's game with only Adrian Peterson left for Team Gump. At halftime Peterson had 29 yards rushing and no TDs. But he put up 65 yards and 2 TDs after the break to break the Pizza Boyz heartz. And this after Team Gump had to endure the Curtis Painter era for nearly a half against the Jets, watching the Colts QBs put up 9 in the championship game after back-to-back games totalling 68 and averaging nearly 25 a week for the season.


So here are the payouts:
Red Bandits win 50% of the net pot (14 teams x $130, minus league fees for CBS Sportsline of $130) = $845.00

Wombats win 20% for 2nd place and 5% for winning their division for $422.50

Fish in a Barrell win 5% for 3rd place, 10% for the scoring title and 5% for winning their division for $338.00

And Team Gump wins 5% for the Toilet Bowl for $84.50.


Year End Awards, AKA the Final Insult, will be forthcoming. Additionally, the awards ceremony will be held at Pete's Restaurant in Morristown at a date to be announced. Hope we'll be able to find a date where most of the East Coast teams can attend.


Thanks for a great season everyone! Checks will be forthcoming!

Your humble observer,
The Watchdog

On to the finals!

As we head to the finals of the 2009 PCMFFL Enchilada Bown, it's time to get philosophical up in here.

Well we narrowly avoided a major controversy with Dale's Doormats failing to put in for their tie-breakers. FYI, in the past, the commish decreed that in such case, the default is the team QB, team K and team D. Now with the flexible rosters, that doesn't work so well, though it would have worked for Dale. Sometimes it comes down to knowing your personnel. Dale alertly put Michael Crabtree in the starting lineup, going on the theory of anyone cut by Electric Mayhem is likley to be worth picking up (but only after they're cut). However, Earl Grey Bennett had 11. Alternatively, Mendenhall would have provided the winning margin over either Grant or Addai (two other former Mayhemites). See how these things can get you in trouble? I'm reminded of the story where three women were in a locker room dressing to play golf when a man runs through wearing nothing but a bag over his head. The first woman looks at his weiner and says "Well it's not my husband." The second woman says "No, it isn't." And the third woman says, "He's not even a member of this club!" Thank you. I will be here all week.

Fish In a Barrell got off to a tremendous start for 2009, running out to a 9-2 start but have sputtered down the stretch. Red Bandits, on the other hand, started off 2-4 and have ripped off 8 wins in the last 9 weeks. Might have been Moses Solomon, the Rabbi of Swat, might have been somebody else. But a one of the all time greatest Jewish philosophers was asked if he believed in Free Will. His reply: "I have no choice!"

In Toilet Bowl News, the Gump-Brokerage Battle Royale turned into one for the ages. Brokerage would not trade Ahmad Bradshaw this year, but couldn't exactly play him every week either. Unfortunately, he would have easily provided the winning margin this week. Then again, so would Rock Cartwright. Makes you think you might be something like this guy:
My friend Mike called me the other day saying "I'm calling from Route 80 on my new cell phone." I told him "Be careful Mike, they just said on the radio that there's a nut driving the wrong way on the highway." He said "One nut? Hell, there are hundreds of 'em!" The Gumpsters rode Manning's 4 TD passes and Adrian Peterson's 16 points providing just enough to edge out Roethlisberger's 503 yards passing and 3 TDs.

And this slightly different take on the Golden Rule, courtesy of Pep & Cheez and Tony Soprano: "Whack the next guy with the same respect you'd like to be whacked with, y'know?" Yes, the team that sold off half its roster to get draft picks for next year picked up Jamaal Charles (22 points), Tim Hightower (9) and Maurice Morris (21 points) off the waiver wire / trade dump. And they're in the Toilet Bowl Championship against the Gumpsters.

Watchdog Round 2

Not sure if anyone noticed the Red Bandits' team logo. In the wake of their come-from-behind epic battle with the Sprockets last night, but I for one must take issue with this denegration of a national symbol. If Irwin F Fletch can be held up at gun-point by "Ugly" (Eli Wallach from Good/Bad/Ugly fame), what is to prevent someone from flinging the Hundering Turd onto Dale's Doormat? Or waving Pizza Hut Pizza in front of the Fatties' sumo until he has a myocardial infarction? Or sneaking a huge cubic zirconium into the end of the Wombats' phaser and watching it blow up in their face? For God's sake, when will it end?!?!

Still, it was a great instance of backing up the bravado with a stunning upset. Sprockets, riding Chris Johnson's 35-point effort (his 4th game with at least 35 points this season), along with the Titan D 20 point trouncing, held a 7-point lead going into last night's tilt, with Kurt Warner going against Frank Gore. Arizona QBs have averaged 21 points per game this season and, prior to last night, only once all season failed to put up at least 15. Gore had averaged nearly 15 points per game, but only twice had topped 20. Things looked bleak indeed. And then came the game - Warner seemed intent on distributing the ball as fairly as possible among all the players on the field, completing passes to 9 different players, including 7 on his own team, and Coughling up the ball something like 15 times (we're still reviewing films for a final number). In the end, it's the Ugly who are moving on and Fletch who will likely have to visit his pimp again if he wants $900 in cash.

On the other side of the bracket, Dale's Doormats starters and bench both trounced Tim & Kumar. Coach Dale's controversial decisions to bench Chester Taylor and start Greg Jennings leave many (some?) observers wondering if he hasn't forsaken his beloved Vikings in favor of the hated Packers after a tortuous season from #4, and looking ahead to the inevitable 4-INT game coming this January. It has been observed once or twice in the past in this space that a team (T&K) counting on Matt Hasselback to lead them to the playoffs is doomed for failure as surely as any team counting on Mike Pelfrey and Oliver Perez to make 40% of its starts for the next three seasons. But I digress. T&K did have a snowball's chance in Arizona going into last night's game, with all-world WR Larry Fitzgerald going - needing only 120+ yards and 3 TDs - but getting 22 yards instead. In the words of Maxwell Smart - "missed it by that much." Incidently, with Shaun Suisham getting canned as WAS K for missing one chippie, how does Nick Folk still have a job? The guy has missed 7 FGs in his last 7 games and 8 in his last 9. And more to the point, why is he still starting for T&K?

In Toilet Bowl news, Semi-R just got edged out by Team Gump if they were allowed to play all 16 players against Gumps' starters. Semi-R never recovered from losing Ronnie Brown. Randy "One Toke Over the Line" Moss finally rolled in from Oakland, Favre gave a sneak preview of his coming playoff performance to Vikes' fans everywhere, meanwhile, Semi-R had Derrick Mason "the Line" Dixon on the bench. Belichick did say afterwards that Moss would get "J for Effort."

Elsewhere, Pep & Cheez bounced the Fatties from the ring, completing the Fatties' crash and burn from Enchilada candidate to first round-out against a team that had already traded away most of its good players.

Team Brokerage overcame a stellar effort from Ben, a two-time SB champion who now can't beat the Browns?!?! Anyway, they got 200 yards and 2 TDs from Brandon Marshall to stomp on the Turd. Time for a quick shout-out to the Turd for continuing to start Donnie Brown who was inactive in week 14 after amassing 5 fantasy points total in the previous 5 weeks. Thanks for playing. I know there isn't normally much available this time of year on waivers, but Quentin Ganther (21 points) and Willis McGahee (19 points) were waiver pickups late in the week. I know it's only the Toilet Bowl and I know the Turd is already playing for next year, but geez, I mean even Moss LOOKS like he's trying sometimes...

And since Pep & Cheez won, of course Electric Mayhem also won, setting up a matchup everyone wants to see - who can lay the biggest Turd (this side of the Rockies anyway)! Coach Eickhorst alertly had DeSean "The Great Gloved One" Jackson and his 29 points on the bench. I'm sure you saw that Jackson has become just the third player ever with 8 TDs of 50+ yards in a season, matching Devin Hester "the Molester" and Crazy Legs Hirsch. And as much as Andre Johnson (31 points) showed why Mayhem traded for him, Hakeem "Stevie" Nicks and Sidney "Re-fried" Rice (combined 26 points) who were both picked up off waivers, showed why you don't trade a starting RB like Ray Rice (13 carries for 166 yards) for a WR, no matter how good he is. Right Coach Morrison?

Watchdog's Family Guy Playoff Preview

Before we get to the guts of today's update, congratulations to the playoff teams:

Division Winners: Wombats and Fish get a bye this week

First round playoffs: Tim & Kumar vs Dale's Doormats; Sprockets vs Red Bandits

For those who are wondering (and it may just be Fish and the Sprockets), the Commish had decreed a few years ago that points scored would be first tie-breaker. The reason we use that instead of head-to-head is the likelihood that the head-to-head matchup would take place in a week when one team had one or several players on a bye, thereby creating an unfair advantage. As such, it is (are?) the Fish who get the first round bye and the 5% division winners prize, along with their regular-season points title.

For the rest of us, it's on to the Toilet Bowl!

Fatties will host Pep & Cheez; E-Head vs Electric Mayhem; Brokerage vs the Turd and Semi-P vs Team Gump.

The playoff race was truly down to the wire for several teams. Red Bandits needed 16 points from GB QBs to secure their playoff spot, holding off the red-hot Team Brokerage, who finished the season on a 4-game winning streak, even getting high points twice, including this week.

For the Doormats and Fatties, it was Dale putting up 90 and winning (despite leaving Washington QB's 32 on the bench) while the Fatties put up 99 and lost. Leonard Weaver (15) or JerMichael Finley (19) could have helped the Fatties stop the bleeding (they finished by losing their final 4 games) and sneak into the Enchilada Bowl.

So let's take a moment and reflect on the 2009 fantasy season with a little help from the Griffins:

Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear(Peter is in court)

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?

Peter: I do........You bastard

Peter (drunk and naked at a wine tasting): Hey hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He told me he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off.

The Family Guy's version of "Fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son." But perhaps a good way to pass a fantasy football season. The Turd lost their last 7 games, though the last 2 were not surprising, having traded for picks in the 2010 draft. When Donald Brown, Earnest Graham and Marshawn Lynch all bombed out, it didn't really matter that they were able to keep Jacobs (big disappointment) and one of the two top candidates for NFL MVP in Brees. Even getting the #1 scoring TE in the league (Vernon Davis for those of you scoring at home - or even if you are by yourself) in round 7 failed stem the tide and a 4-2 start ended up 4-9.

Tom Tucker: And now over to Ollie Williams for the blackie punishment forecast, Ollie?

Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!

Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie!

Team Gump had that nasty 6-game losing streak in the middle of the season, and despite having Peyton, Thomas Jones, Adrian Peterson, (3rd and 9th best RBs in the league) alertly picking up Austin Collie and generally paying attention to available free agents, they just weren't able to put it all together this year. Not sure what the quote has to do with Team Gump - I just like that one.

Congressman: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.

Peter: Well that may be, but what were all forgetting is anyone that doesn't want to go to war is gay.

Congressman:I want to go to war.

Congressman:I want to go to war.

All of Congress:I want to go to war.

Dick Cheney:I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

Semi-P looked ready for war, and most certainly not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). They will, however, certainly win the annual Fatties Award this year for finishing second in the league in total points, yet missing the playoffs. It would be tempting to say that losing Ronnie Brown killed SP's season, because with Ricky Williams, Randy Moss, Austin Miles, Vikings QB and Jason Witten, this team had everything you could want. But strangely, it was a slow start that doomed SP. They started 3-6, then won two games more before Brown got hurt. Got 4 of their last 5, but really needed to get 8 wins, not 6.

Meg: Mom, Dad--am I ugly?

Lois: Oh of course not sweetie!

Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?

Meg: Craig Hoffman.

Peter: Crai....Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.(Meg runs out crying)

Sometimes it's better to just call ugly ugly and be on with your life. Pep & Cheez had a better team than their record, but wisely pulled the plug and made some excellent trades for next season, picking up 2 first round picks and a third, giving up Pierre Thomas, Brian Westbrook and Anquan Boldin. As has been proven by both Ingrey brothers and the Jets however, just having a plethora of picks does not necessarily give one a guarantee a team of a successful draft!

Cleveland: All he needs is another lemon snow cone.

Peter: No thanks, that yellow snow cone you gave me didn't taste like lemon, it tasted more like...oh you guys are asses!

The defending Enchilada Champion E-Head lost 4 of their last 5 to fall out of contention and will have to defend their title in the Toilet Bowl. Don't eat that yellow sno-cone!

Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes. The Fatties endured the aforementioned 4-game losing streak to end the regular season and missed the playoffs again. Coincidence? I don't think! Worse still, they gave up their 1st and 3rd round picks in next year's draft in an effort to make the playoffs. Everyone's pre-season favorite's fate seemed sealed when Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams both sustained late-season injuries. Hard to believe that just a few weeks ago, the only question was whether or not the Fatties would catch the Wombats for the division title!

Stewie: What the hell is this?

Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.

Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Team Brokerage, on the other hand, I'm sure would love for the season to be 2-3 weeks longer, having won 4 straight behind Roethlisberger, Forte, Tomlinson, Cal Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Heath Miller, Ryan Longwell and Philly D. Brokerage got off to a slow start largely due to Forte's slow start - he had 5 points or fewer in 5 of the first 7 weeks in one of the most disappointing sophomore seasons in recent memory. Their trade of Revenge of the Sith Barber for Tomlinson could hardly have been timed better as Tomlinson scored 13 or higher in 4 of his 5 weeks with Brokerage, after totalling 29 in the first 7 weeks of the season.

Peter:..Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested.

Either Dale or T&K will get to play the Wombats. Not sure that's a good thing. Dale's Doormats get a good matchup for Rashad Mendenahll against Cleveland, but Addai plays at Denver so that's likely a wash. Tim & Kumar have Pierre Thomas, Wes Welker and Larry Fitzgerald with decent matchups. Should be enough to give them the edge.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Red Bandits have a tough matchup against the Sprockets - Chris Johnson against St Louis, Santonio Holmes against Cleveland give the Sprockets an advantage. On the flip side, TO has KC, so VG there.

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!

Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.

Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!

Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Fish In A Barrell looked like a lock for the Enchilada Bowl a few weeks ago, but recently they've been barely able to keep their heads above water. Rice, Wayne and Roddy White, along with Tony Gonzalez and Matt Schaub gives the Fish a tough lineup. Picking between Laurence Bony Maroney and Justin Tony Forsett could prove to be the make-or-break decision of the playoffs. Maroney has 96 points in his last 7 games, but put up a 4-spot this past week. Forsett has 67 in the last 4 weeks and the Seahawk play Tampa in week 15 while the Pats visit Buffalo. Who to play? Who to play???

Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

The Wombats traded most of their draft next season for a better chance to win this year. Are they capable of turning regular household stationairy into a season-saving contraption? They were seen doing cartwheels when Sean Payton said they would try for the perfect season - then had to watch them get a gift from the Redskins to keep it alive. Nevertheless, their trade for Brees, along with keeping MJD and lucking into not trading Cedric Benson will make them a tough out. Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates should be able to do enough, even as Norv coaches with his hands around his neck down the stretch of the season.

Into the home stretch

Well, here we are with just 4 weeks left in the regular season. Despite Satchel Paige's advice: "Don't look back, someone may be gaining on you" we're going to do just that. A look back at the draft while glacing ahead to make sure we don't trip:

Hundering Turd: Keeping Brees ended up being a pretty good decision. Jacobs, not so much. Lynch with the #1 overall draft pick, likewise has disappointed. Colston and Vernon Davis, along with Kaeding and Giants D have the Turd in contention, one game out of the playoffs and just 3rd overall in points scored for the season. The lack of a running game will likely keep them from the Enchilada Bowl.

Red Bandits: Keeping Rodgers was a good fantasy decision. Tomlinson and Owens have disappointed, but Gore, Stewart and Celek, along with Gostkowski have been solid, putting them as the 3rd playoff team in the Canes division if the season ended today. Trading for Barber should help.

Brokerage did well with Forte, Barber, Westbrook and Bradshaw, as well as Pit QB in the 3rd Round, though he's sort of the opposite of Rodgers - a much better actual QB than fantasy. WRs have disappointed. At 3-6, they're still just 2 out of the playoffs. I would think a trade of an RB at this point for a WR might pay off.

Semi-P did well with Ronnie Brown and Carson Palmer (R2), and Randy Moss is coming on. Miles Austin in round 8 has been a revelation, but seemingly at the expense of Witten's stats. Taking Min QB in R7 was brilliant. One would think that at some point, having both Palmer and Favre would not be as beneficial as having say Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald. Good job getting both Miami RBs too.

How is Team Gump on a 6-game losing streak? With the right Manning brother, the right Adrian Peterson, the only decent 30+ year old running back in Thomas Jones, they should be right in the mix right? Not so much... No receivers, though plenty have been available on waivers, no TE, K or D.

Sprockets may have overpaid a bit for Warner, but Chris Johnson and Portis have been solid, along with Driver and Holmes. At 6-3, looking to make a bid for a second Enchilada in 3 seasons.

Fish got lucky so far with Schaub staying healthy, Wayne has been fantastic and swapping Andre Johnson for Roddy White and Ray Rice turned this team from a playoff contender to an Enchilada contender.

Pep & Cheez had a mixed bag - good with McNabb and Pierre Thomas, not so good with LJ or Parker. Boldin, Anthony Gonzalez getting hurt didn't help. At 3-6, it looks like "wait til next year." Will they dump McNabb/Thomas for picks in next year's draft?

Dale's Doormats continue to be solid with $9 for Cutler. Overpaid a bit for Grant, but Mendenhall in R3 was a brilliant pick. Addai and Chester Taylor, along with Jennings and Percy Harvin, Dallas Clark and Jets D - they're one game out of the playoffs today. I think they'll sneak in.

Mighty E-Head look to continue the streak of tough years following a championship in this league. Rivers and Flacco are both good QBs, but below-average fantasy scorers. Slaton, Moreno and Buckhalter have disappointed, as have all the WRs. They're 4-5, like the Doormats and Turd, but should be headed to the Toilet Bowl this year.

Tim & Kumar are still trying to get by with Matt Hasselback, a suspiscious cast of RBs and a few good WRs. At 5-4, barring a trade they seem the most likely to miss the playoffs of any team currently "in".

Fatties were everybody's pre-season favorite with Brady, Turner, DA Williams. Add Eddie Royal, a fortuitous trade of Braylon Edwards and they seem like a team on the upswing.

Electric Mayhem's drafting and trading woes have been well documented. They had to fight off a late challenge from Tim & Kumar for the coveted Ditka Cup (worst job of over-coaching) when T&K spent all $96 remaining waiver dollars on Ryan Moats and then accidentally cut him to pick up a 3rd rate TE. Fortunately it was a simple matter of clicking on the wrong guy, so the Ditka Cup is safe.

And last but not least, the 8-1 Wombats. An early-season trade of Kevin Smith for Matt Ryan saved them from having to play Delhomme or Orton, and due to the Mayhem's expert management, they did not trade Cedric Benson as they originally offered. Good thing the Mayhem insisted on K-Smith. Such are the fortunes of the fantasy football follies. Maurice Jones-Drew and Vincent Jackson along with 4th rounder Jeremy Shockey have the Wombats in prime position for a post-season swoon.

Best early draft pick nominees: Thomas Jones for the Gumpsters, Braylon Edwards for the Fatties, Ray Rice for the Mayhem and Cedric Benson for the Wombats are the only choices. I gotta give it to the old guy.

Best late draft pick nominees: Vernon Davis (R7), Favre (R7), Austin (R8), Harvin (R5), Ricky Williams (R6), Steve Smith (R7), McGahee (R5) are the best of the lot. Tempting to give it to Favre, but he shouldn't have lasted that long. Certainly those teams who picked Jacksonville, Buffalo, Giants, Dolphins and Panthers ahead of him need to be called out. McGahee started the season strong but has vanished recently. Harvin may be the best player in the draft, but probably not this year. That leaves Smith, Davis and Austin. I give it to Austin and Semi-P. First of all because Austin himself is such a long-shot in the NFL where the other two were high draft picks. Secondly because of how badly Dallas' season started. And lastly because of how well Semi-R did with their picks overall. 3 of the above picks were Semi-R guys. Nice.

Worst Auction $ spent nominees: Tomlinson for $27, Larry Johnson for $23, Ryan Grant for $46, McFadden for $32, Steve Smith for $26. Let's just give it to Mayhem (McFadden and Smith) and call it a day.

Worst high draft pick nominees: LenDale White and Derrick Ward for the Fish; Willie Parker and Anthony Gonzalez for Pep & Cheez; Beanie Wells and John Carlson for Mayhem; and the winner is Fish in a Barrell with White and Ward. Ward has 188 yards rushing and 1 TD in 1 start while White has 198 yards and 1 TD in 0 starts. Pep & Cheez actually has worse stats with Parker (187 yds and no TDs) and Gonzalez (injured before making a catch) - but a) Ward and White have been healthy and still stunk; b) Gonzalez might have been pretty good if healthy; and c) we can't have the Fish getting too full of themselves. So there.

Best auction money spent nominees: Schaub for $10 is the clear winner for the Fish (see what I mean?) Tony Romo was #2, so that tells you something right there. Schaub is tied for second in points with a guy named Brady (no, not Quinn) and just 7 points behind Rodgers.

Best keeper nominees: Brees for the Turd, Chris Johnson for the Sprockets, Ronnie Brown for SP, Pierre Thomas for Pep & Cheez, Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams for the Fatties and Maurice Jones-Drew for the Wombats. Give it Brees, but Jones-Drew and Johnson both have been great, and the combo of Turner and Williams has let the Fatties fulfill their pre-season promise.

By the way, did anyone else notice that Eli Manning is currently 6th in fantasy points for QBs? Obviously part of that is that he hasn't had his bye week yet. But it really goes to prove how separated fantasy value can be from being a good NFL player right? (Am I allowed to say that?)

Remember the Thursday game this week folks!
Watchdog out...

Watchdog Week 5 - Sneakin' into the movies

Usually I spend most of my time talking about all the teams at the top of the standings. Today, I think perhaps it's worth spending a few minutes talking about the rest of us. A Revenge of the Nerds for Fantasy Football players, if that's not overly redundant. And remember the E-Head - a mere 1-4 last season and ended up Enchilada Champs. So they got that going for them, which is nice.

We're going to start with Team Gump, but we're not going to quote Forrest. Let me tell you what my next brilliant idea is: Austin Collie. I know you said you didn't want to know, but secretly, I figured you did, so I told you. Collie speaks English. And he's not injured, which Cotchery is. See, we've got Peyton Manning going against the worst passing D in the league, we've got the good Adrian Peterson going against the Rams and Lee Evans against the Browns.

How this team ever lost to the Mayhem is beyond me. Now Manning has a bye and Peterson has the Ravens this week, so Team Gump is going to have to scramble to avoid falling to 2-4. The biggest question for them remains - are they a complete team? Or are they just "Dos hombres?!?!"

Semi-P has been right about a lot of things - Carson Palmer looks good, and so does that guy in Minnesota. They took both RBs in Miami and it works. Muchostinko is showing me up. Their biggest downfall to date has been the fact that Randy Moss is trailing Mike Sims-Walker, Vincent Jackson and Percy Harvin and is leading such luminaries as Austin Collie, Johnny Knox and the recently retired Derrick Mason by just 3 points. But they are dangerous. They could break the skin and cause a bad infection.

Dale's Doormats survived Cutler's bye week, feature not just 2 or even 3 but 4 quality running backs and even have a top WR and TE in Clark and Jennings. That come-hither look you're getting from Coach Dale is him pondering whether he can package Addai and Cutler for your #1 QB. Just watch out for that booby-trap.

Mighty E-Head, I think, just needs to get themselves straightened out a bit and they'll be fine. Flacco had an off day against the mighty Bengals D (doesn't that just sound wrong?) on a week when the Chargers were off altogether. Slaton, Moreno and Jackson give them 2 more good RBs than a lot of other teams have. They've got two Tight Ends in Shiancoe and Gates (insert your own joke here), Berrian, Britt, Ginn and the strangely invisible DeSean Jackson round out a solid team. Eagles QB scored 32 against them with 3 TDs and 265 yards passing and just one pass for no yards went to DJ.

Hard to know exactly what to make of Pep & Cheez - on the one hand, almost half their team was either injured or on a bye this week and they still managed to upend the Mighty E-Head despite scoring the 2nd fewest points in the league for the week. On the other hand, for the season, they've still scored the second fewest points. Best advice is to fall back on superior intelligence and superior fire power. And that's all she wrote.

For the Fatties, an investigation is underway to find out why they benched both Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams this week particularly when Fred Jackson now has Marshawn Lynch to share the ball with (and he plays for the Bills). So while they are just one game out of a playoff spot, they are also dead last in points scored in the league. So are the Fatties bound for the playoffs? In the words of Miracle Max himself: "It'd take a miracle."

For the Red Bandits, they've had to ride out the Packers' bye week and injuries to Gore and Tomlinson. At 1-4 also, they're clearly in need of taking it up a notch. Let's kick this thing up to 11.

At the top of the bottom, if you will, is Team Brokerage. They're 1-4, so clearly the qualify for this Watchdog. But they're also 3rd in the league in points scored. What do you get for a team that has everything? Seriously, if they'd have started Ahmad Bradshaw instead of a dinged-up Marion Barber III, they'd have taken down Fish, be just 10 points out of first for the scoring title and have had 7 starters score in double figures this week. Well, candlesticks make a nice gift. Maybe we can find out where they're registered.

Before the season started Electric Mayhem took a hit to their coaching staff that may have gone unnoticed by the majority of the league. But Coach Eichhorst summed it up best this way: "Morrison's job is to keep Ingrey away from Stupid." Momma always says "Stupid is as stupid does." (You know I had to get at least one Gump quote in!) So let's review for a moment:

1) A preseason trade of Chris Johnson for Roddy White. Sprockets have ridden Johnson's 468 yards and 2 TDs to a first-place tie in their division and 3rd place in the points race.

2) Two weeks ago traded Matt Ryan for Kevin Smith. Ryan posts 31 points this week, helping the Wombats upend the Fatties (with a big assist from the Fatties, as noted above). The Wombats lead the Quakes division at 4-1.

3) This week trading Roddy White and Ray Rice to the Fish for Andre Johnson, where they combined to score 52 and helped Fish beat Team Brokerage (2nd highest points in the league for the week). Fish now have won 3 in a row, hold a 24-point lead in the points race and are tied for first with a 4-1 record.

So if you'll forgive me, I'll try to put this debacle into a possibly recognizable tune:

"Where have you gone Mr. Morrison?

Coach Ingrey just made another trade

Oh no no!

What's that you say Mr. Morrison?

Roddy White has left and gone away

Hey hey hey, hey hey hey..."

You could say that the Sprockets, Wombats and Fish were "trying to seduce innocent young Coach Ingrey." But the fact is, the trades were offered by the Mayhem.

Watchdog Salutes Real Men of Genius

The Watchdog Salutes Real Men of Genius

With 13 of the 14 teams at either 2-1 or 1-2, it's time for the Watchdog to earn his pay and help you separate the Real Men of Genius from the just plain Real Men. Sorry for all the links - I'd have just put pictures in but there weren't any. Hope you enjoy the shmorgasbord.

First up has to be the Mighty E-Head - my all time favorite - Mr. Footlong Hotdog Inventor. Sure, they're just 1-2, but they feature Steve Sluton, Antonio "Hot" Gates, and Neil "Big" Rackers. If only they had Reggie Bush, or at least Michael. Maybe next year! But thanks, Mr. Footlong Hotdog Inventor, for giving us all a bigger weiner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotxdkKx-tA&feature=PlayList&p=DCFE5C2BF4569FE0&index=2

Semi-P is next up - Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy. With a new stadium that is 3 times as big as the Meadowlands, yet half as loud, and featuring a team of three Cowboys and no Texans, strangely a team that had just one player score more than 17 points on the whole roster this week, and they hold the longest winning streak in the league. Proving (I guess) that you just don't mess with Texas. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apMyjOAacyA&feature=PlayList&p=DCFE5C2BF4569FE0&index=15

Electric Mayhem is Mr. Pro Sports Heckler Guy. Those who can't coach sit 30 rows back with no shirt. That's right m*****-f*****. And while Semi-P had only one player score more than 17, Mayhem had just one score more than 12. So while there's no I in team, there's certainly and F and a U. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x0MbVYVE2A&feature=PlayList&p=DCFE5C2BF4569FE0&index=23

Pep & Cheez - Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer. Sweet mercy, some one crack open a window. After really stinking the joint up in the first two weeks (a total of 93 points in 2 weeks), Pep & Cheez dumped all over us with a high points for week 3 proving that the one you never hear coming is always the one that sends you running for the door weeping. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEYInUvLalQ

Tim & Kumar: Mr. Really Bad Toupee Wearer - Yes, they have five potential Pro Bowl Wide Receivers, but somehow they're not able to comb those over the Cadillac Williams, Seneca Wallace/Chad Henne expanse of their bald lineup. I mean it couldn't look worse if it had a chin-strap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOgQcyklEBc&feature=related

Sprockets - Mr. Pro Wrestling Wardrobe Designer - While lesser managers would shy away from putting LeRon "Die Hard" McClain with Fragile Fred Taylor, while many would shudder to have Tampa Bay QBs on their roster, while basic decency would compel a normal person from putting 300-pound men into spandex , pairing leather boots and thongs, tights and a cape. But Feldman has no such qualms. Clinton "Parliament Funk" Portis and Chris "Lightning" Johnson: a very understated way of saying they're going to tear our heads off and look fabulous doing it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCK5l9euX_o&feature=related

Team Gump - Mr. Tiny Thong Bikini Wearer - Sometimes it pays to have a little here and a little there right? Like having Adrian Peterson AND Peyton Manning on the same team. Just know that if you weren't wearing that, we'd ask you to take a bow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7c_ceCOQZg&feature=related

Hundering Turd - Mr. Athletic Groin Protector Inventor - Just 2 points from remaining undefeated on the season, they say "here, stick this in your pants." With "Summer" Brees, Big Man Jacobs and Steve Breaston (no nickname necessary), we're just nuts about you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjHvHjczdGc&feature=related

Brokerage - Mr. Male Football Cheerleader - I did mention that one team has yet to get off the schnide this season. Knock 'em back all the way to Hackensack. You may not score a touchdown, but you're peppy and that's gotta count for something. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmC4LqJxTJY&feature=related

Dale's Doormats - Mr. Overly Competitive Touch Football Player - their back-ups could have beaten ten of the starting lineups this week. You wanna make somethin' of it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgnS9bmP_qw&NR=1

Red Bandits - Mr. Really Really Bad Dancer Guy - Their 4 RBs combined to score 5 points this week. Talk about busting a move. You're either dancing or you have fleas. TO is held without a catch for the first time in 185 games. Somehow, I think, not the last time this season though. Is that all you got playa? Who's in the house? Some guy who can't dance, that's who. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFfq6J-rKns

Fatties - Mr. All You Can Eat Buffet Inventor - pre-season #1 by almost every poll. If there's beef, they'll chip it! The Fatties are definitely taking a different approach so far this year - putting together a team that SHOULD be fully satisfying, with Forte and DeAngelo Williams - but in fact looks bloated and teetering off to the rest room. They are now dead last in points scored on the season. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHNt9rXSsTM

Fish - Mr. Push-up Bra Inventor - never before has one team done so much with so little. A team basically constructed of Matt Schaub, a couple of wide receivers and Ryan Longwell is now 2-1 and just 20 points out of the lead in the Points Race. "Va Va Voom!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUCE2XYF8vI

Wombats - Mr. Handlebar Mustache Wearer - Klye Orton and Jake Delhomme are your starting QBs? Heaven knows we wouldn't be caught dead in one, but it looks good on you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M48av7BiCMs

I couldn't find my other all-time favorite - Mr. Giant Foam Finger Inventor Man. Besides, they only make one kind of Giant Foam Finger. Anyway, you guys already know what number you are.

Who will watch the Watchdog?

Joe Morganstern, ace movie reviewer of the Wall Street Journal, described the movie "The Watchmen" as akin to "getting whacked in the head with a blunt object for 2 and a half hours." Some might refer to reading the Watchdog with similar sentiments. "Who will read the Watchdog?" might be a more appropriate question. Nevertheless, the question remains - does the Watchdog get to just howl at the moon without anyone throwing cold water on the poor mutt? Well today, we're going to go for full accountability.


Last week's pre-season analysis, vague as it was, seemed to indicate the Fatties, E-Head, Sprockets and Gumpsters were the teams to beat. It seems the Dog was half right - E-Head and Fatties were indeed beaten, putting up nary a whimper in protest.

The Fatties, widely regarded as having the best QB/RB trio in the league got a nice run of 46 points from those 3, but just 9 points from their other 5 starters. Turns out you do need receivers, tight ends and even a kicker in this league!

E-Head, however, got that message and then some - getting 42 of their 68 points from those positions, but just 26 from Old Man Rivers, the two Steves (Jackson & Slaton), as well as Weekend at Bernie Barrian. Who'd have thought Rivers was the wrong QB play, facing the Raiders?

The Gumpsters did in fact look decent, as Adrian "AD" Peterson will help make anyone look pretty good. The good news for the rest of us is the Vikings don't play Cleveland again this year. The bad news is, I'm not sure it'll matter. Chances are Peyton Manning will throw for more than 1 TD per game too.

The Turd got more from Drew Brees than from the rest of their starting line-up. Again, the good news here is that the Saints don't play Detroit again this season. I may be going out on a limb here with a saw, but I have to say I feel confident that Brees will slacken off his pace for 96 TD passes this season.

As the great comedian once said, "It's better to look good than to feel good." Dale's Doormats are certainly looking good with a solid all-around effort - 5 starters with at least 12 points. But look a little deeper at Jay Cutler's Bears' debut and something smells a bit off. By the way, was anyone else surprised at how many chins a 26-year old star quarterback has? No, not Chinese phonebook level, but still...

For the Bandits, things actually went according to the Watchdog's script. Tomlinson got hurt, TO complaining in week one, but a deep team that still has a chance. It's funny though, I thought Rodgers played a lot better than 184 yards and one TD. TO looked like he was in midseason form at his press conference yesterday, saying the Bills "missed a lot of opportunities". Hmmm - I wonder which opportunities he meant?

Meanwhile, I thought Warner played much worse than 288 yards and 1 TD. But the Sprockets did have Santonio Banderas Holmes and Kate Winslow Jr.

No, Brokerage, you do not get any points for Brandon Marshall tipping the ball to Stokely. Keep in mind when setting this week's starting lineup that the Eagles' D does not face Jake Delhomme again this week. May not repeat last week's 5 INT, 5 Sack, Defensive TD performance. Don't say I didn't warn you!

T&K got 49 points from Seattle QB and Orange Julius - yes the Hawks do play the Rams again this year, but only one more time. Meanwhile, they got a total of 4 points from their kicker and D and due to expert management, they have no back-up at either position.

What would you say about a team who had their highest scorer for week one leave the game with cracked ribs? Such is the plight of Pep & Cheez. Add a little knee twist to Anthony Gonzalez, Pierre Thomas not ready for week one and Anquan Boldin getting 1 point and suddenly the Pizza Boyz might be scrambling to get that Enchilada. Sounds like the change at the top has led to a certain consistency in effort...

Wombats put up excellent scores this week but with a grain of salt - their winning margin came from a) Jeremy Shockey getting his first two scores in more than 2 years, and/or b) the Bungles playing volleyball, allowing Kyle Orton to claim the record for longest winning TD-pass in the final minute of a game in NFL history. Kyle Orton?

Let's see, you draft two great WRs, the best TE in league history, a good kicker, a top 5 D and sprinkle in a few RBs that occassionally have good weeks... Sometimes it's not terribly difficult - kinda like shooting Fish?

When your QBs are both from Ohio, neither of your RBs led his team in rushing and your one kicker plays on the only team in the NFL not to score in week one...

Right Semi-P?

So if the Mayhem has a good season this year, will more people complain about the talent dump they did last year? Will more people copy what they did? Or some of each?!!?! That said, when 53 points comes from Tony Romo's career best day and an unknown Tight End getting 2 TDs, getting a repeat performance will be the trick.

One last thought on predictions....

The Watchdog's Guide to the Galaxy

Before we get to the Watchdog's Draft Report, a couple of housekeeping items.



Please get your $130 entry fee to Haas Chaudhry by the end of week one to avoid the $10 per week penalty on your waiver wire funds. Checks can be sent care of Paladin Catastrophe Management, 51 Grove Street, Suite 3, Chester, NJ 07930. Thanks.


Also, please note any roster changes can be made free and clear at any time on a first-come first-serve basis from now until opening day. If you have questions about how the waiver wire works, please notify your commissioner.





















Welcome back (some of you for the first time)! Like Mike Vick, I feel just blessed to be here and be able to make fun of you fine people. But seriously, what a fine draft by everybody. You should all be proud. Well, most of you, anyway.




HYPER-INTELLIGENT SHADE OF BLUE: Fatties - more than most, they need to pay their health insurance. With Michael Turner approaching 400 carries last year, DeAngelo Williams' checkered injury history and Brady suddenly looking like Creed in Creed v Drago, they may need to make sure they have their towel with them. Questionable strategy waiting until the 10th round to take a back-up QB and then settling on Sanchez (who may be fine, but has no receivers, so we may never know). Interesting that the Fatties are absolutely bloated at running back, taking full advantage of the new flex roster rules the way ol' Two Plates takes full advantage of the all you can eat buffet. All that said, I wouldn't want to have them on my schedule. Another season of leading the league in points and missing the playoffs seems in the offing.





SMART AS DOLPHINS: "For instance, on planet Earth, man had always assumed he was more intelligent than dolphins because he ahd achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. Mighty E-Head - nothing spectacular, but top 10 or breakout guys at just about every position. SD and BAL qbs, both with easy schedules. Slaton, Steven Jackson and two of the three leading RB candidates for Denver; DeSean Jackson, Berrian (with breakout potential now that he has a QB for the first time since Pop Warner), Gates, two good kickers and Atlanta D. Fear the Head!





SMART AS MAN: Sprockets - a shrewd pre-draft trade of Roddy White for Chris Johnson, along with Keeper Clinton Portis gives the Sprockets excellent RB tandem, along with TD machine LeRon Die Hard McClain and Fragile "Not Dead Yet" Fred Taylor. QBs like Arizona are sneaky good because while everyone and their sister is sure Warner won't last the season, you also get Leinart, who has finally looked like he knows what he's doing back there this pre-season. Nothing special at WR, but Driver and Holmes are as good as any pair outside the top 8. Kellen Winslow, Green Akers and Miami Ds round out a surprisingly good draft for the always tall Sprockets.





HOOPY FROODS WHO KNOW WHERE THEIR TOWEL IS: Gump - you know, for a long time I thought we might get through this year's draft without hearing "Taken" when Gump was up, but they hit their stride late. That said, they also ended up with perhaps the scariest starting lineup in the league. Peyton, All-Day Peterson, T Jones, Lee Evans, Cotchery, Boss, Gould and Bears D. Call me taken with their chances!

THE ULTIMATE ANSWERS:
These teams may have the ultimate answer, but like Deep Thought, they have no idea what the question was.

"How many roads must a man walk down?" Hundering Turd - 42? Excellent. Any team with Drew Brees has a shot in a given week. Add Jacobs, Lynch (when he's back from doing whatever he bought that whizzinator for), Colston, Cooley, Keading, Dewey, Cheetem & Howe, and you've got something. Just don't ask what it is.

"Why?" "No, it doesn't fit. Why? 42. See?" Red Bandits - Packers D and a bunch of injury prone RBs, TO and TJH and the word "why" does tend to come to mind.

"Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?" "How much?" "None at all." - Brokerage - Unlike the Fatties, who got quantity at RB but quality only at the top, Brokerage got quality all the way through, from James Davis up to Matt Forte. Their main problem is, we didn't adopt the flexible starting team rule and they're limited to just 2 RBs per week. Why is that a problem? They have no QB, WR, TE or K to speak of. But they can run right over you.

"It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water." Tim & Kumar (formerly known as BYOB) - can Hasselback come back? Or is it "so long and thanks for all the fish"? With the best WR corps in the league, it is puzzling why they spent a 5th roster spot on one, particularly with no star RB. Still, Fitzy and Cal-John (take me away), they'll win more than a few.

"We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem." - Wombats - four very good RBs is usually a good strategy (and a 5th with potential). Will Kyle Orton be servicable at QB? Some under-rated WRs and one good TE, though one wasted pick (there's a Shockey). Two kickers in the auction again. Situation normal. As usual (and a very viable plan) they were trying to work Electric Mayhem for a post-draft trade, which could put them up the charts a bit.

"You know, it's times like this that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young." "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen." Fish in a Barrel (formerly known as the Mavs) - after Tim & Kumar, the best WRs in the league. Like T&K, they need a shaky QB to step up. Sproles and LD "don't call me Orson" White figure to be at least serviceable, and with injury-prone backfieldmates, they could be excellent.

"Sheesh, you guys are so un-hip, it's a wonder your bums don't fall off" - Pep & Cheez - a very thin team, with Eagles QB, Pierre Thomas, Anquan Boldin, and Greg Olsen, but also Oakland QBs, Larry the Ancient Mariner Johnson, Kindafast Willie Parker and a group of WRs who would make Doctor No look like Jerry Rice.

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." Dale's Doormats - other than QB, they have as good a team as any in the league. So if Cutler can do what no other Bears QB has ever done, and become a good fantasy QB, Dale's Doormats will finally get that second ring.

TIME TO HIT THE PAN-GALACTIC GARGLEBLASTERS:

"Mostly Harmless" Semi-Precious - yes, they have Randy Moss and Mark Witten, but little else. Chad MuchoStinquo is done, Austin Mason sounds like a soap opera star, not a pair of receivers. Brady Quinn and Carson Palmer at QB - I'm afraid their season comes down to whether Palmer can regain his magic touch. I'm afraid we all know the Ultimate Answer to that question.

"I'd much rather by happy that right any day." "And are you?" "Ahh... No." Electric Mayhem - start with the pre-draft trade of Chris Johnson for Roddy White in a year where good RBs are scarce. Continue on with passing on every star available in the auction despite having 9 picks in the first 5 rounds of the draft. Proudly selecting the only player in the NFL draft that hasn't signed a contract yet. Using a second round pick on a 7th round talent (John Carlson). And that's not even mentioning selecting a guy named "Beanie." I'm thinking of a word to describe this and it rhymes with Beanie.