Watchdog - Week 7 Irwin F Fletcher, you choose!

Frank Walker: Who's the source?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal?

I know I must have done a Fletch theme in the past, but seriously, how this movie got left off the Top 100 by the AFI, I will never know.  In any case, with the mighty Sprockets falling to 0-7, it's time to pay tribute to one of the most spectacularly unlucky franchises in fantasy football today. 




Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?
Fletch: No, not since breakfast.

The Sprockets are currently 6th in the league in scoring, but are 5 games out of a playoff spot with 7 to play.  This week they lose by just 2 points to the Camel Jockeys, who got 3 points last night from Brandon Pettigrew.  The Sprockets got -2 yards from LaGarrett Blount when either Jonathan Stewart or Kendall Hunter would have given them the win.  Last week, they got zero from Scott Chandler when Aaron Hernandez would have given them the win.  Four times this year, their opponent has scored 105 points or more against them.  It is true that Heath Fisher's job as defensive coordinator is in jeopardy, though he has been given the dreaded "vote of confidence."


Fletch: Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

 Meanwhile, the Camel Jockeys move to 3-4 on the season, despite having scored 63 points less than the Sprockets on the season.  How the Redskins let Victor Cruz get behind the defense on what was essentially the last play of the game for the Giants, I will never know (but will be eternally grateful).  It's one of those things, like having a beautiful woman show up at the door wearing only a towel, that never seem to happen in real life. 

Fletch:  You and your wife are both currently living, I take it?

Questions persist as to whether the Wombats are currently living however, having dropped their third straight game.  Despite getting a revenge game from Chris CJ2.0 Johnson (104 yards on his first 4 carries, more points in this game than his previous 4 games combined), Coach Sharp inexplicably made no move to replace either Alex Henery or Matt Bryant, both his kickers being on a bye this week.  There were 6 free agent kickers who had more than the 8 points the Wombats needed for victory.  Even with that, they had Calvin Johson, Megatron, going last night, needing just 11 to tie.  Megatron's average receiving yards on the season going into last night was 111.  In the bag right?  A key drop on the first series of the game and a key pass interference in the end zone killed his chances and the Bats fall to 2-5.

Fletch: You fellas wanna read me my rights?
Detective #2: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.
Fletch: I'll waive my rights.

At about 2:30PM, Natural Disaster looked like they were going to be doing some serious ball-stomping on the Wombats.  Drew Brees had 313 yards and 4 TDs at halftime against the Bucs, but managed just 64 yards passing in the second half.  And Jim Harbaugh's decision to decline an end zone penalty and take a safety did not come back to haunt the Disasters.  

Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!

How would undefeated Semi-P survive Matt Ryan's bye week?  How does putting up 104 points and getting high points for the week (only team with 2 of those) grab you?  I/T was the defenseless baby in question.  Only Larry Fitzgerald again failed to show, the third time in 7 games he's been held to 6 points or less.




Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.
[leans arm on hot engine part]
Fletch: Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

For I/T, it's all so simple!  Just get some 3-in-1 oil and get Trent Richardson to get off his rear.  Richardson looked like a potential stud a couple weeks ago, putting up 4 straight double-digit games.  He's followed that with 4 points against 25th ranked run defense Cincinnati and 1 point (8 yards on 8 carries) against 26th-ranked run defense Indy.  Surviving Peyton's bye week?  Not so much.  You should see I/T's shoes!

Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?
Fletch: Comanche Indian.

 It's a funny game - Mike Williams had 11 or more in 3 of the last 4 games, his QB threw for 420 yards, and he got 36 of them.  Still, Dale's Doormats have Bob Griffin, Doug Martin and Arian Foster who by themselves would have been enough to scalp the Fatties this week.  If they ever do anything about getting a tight end, this #2 scoring team in the league could be dangerous!  Maybe even to someone other than themselves!

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: No, that's "Babar".
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?
Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.

The Fatties have plenty of Bs - just not right in a row - Brady, Ben-Jarvus, Brandon Marshall, Brandon Myers and Da Bears starting and Ben Tate, and Brian Hartline on the bench.  But Brady has been bad lately - I know I've written this in the past, but this time it's true.  Outside of one half against Buffalo, he's averaged just 21.2 points per game on the season, which would put him as the 14th best QB in fantasy football right now.  With Jones-Drew going down, having Rashard Jennings should prevent a run on bids on Jags' back-ups, so nice job with the hand-cuff back.  And while the Fatties are 5-2 and in second place in the Quakes division, they are only 8th in the league in total scoring, thus earning a first-half grade of B (OK BB).

Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

The Red Bandits might be looking to shoot whoever scheduled the bye-weeks in the NFL this year, having to negotiate the week without the services of LeSean McCoy, Reggie Bush, Peyton Hillis and Julio Jones in the same week.  They alertly picked up the Polish Prince (Janikowski) and thus were able to shoot down the defending champion Team Gumpsters.  Disappointing effort by Eli against the worst pass defense in the league, but it was saved on the aforementioned strike to Cruz.

Fletch: You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.
Alan Stanwyk: Who?
Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.

 Speaking weird, what do we do with a Gump team that is 13th in the league in scoring, but 3-4 on the season?  With Bradshaw healthy, Kerley (not to mention Larry and Moe), Roddy White and Michael Turner, can they survive with Cam Newton and Andrew Luck at QB? 


Dr. Joseph Dolan: Well, I can't seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.
Fletch: Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.

 Brokerage improves to 5-2 with a thorough pasting (77-72) of Pep & Cheez.  Josh Freeman's 420 yards and 3 TDs bode well as this is his second straight week with 30+.  Not sure, but he might be using the whole fist. With the alert pickup of LaRod Stephens-Howling, Brokerage continues to be the rectal exam in the Turd's season.

Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.

 Pep & Cheez, meanwhile had another one of those dominating team performances but mediocre fantasy scoring from Matt Schaub.  When your team is up by 30, there just doesn't seem to be much urgency to pass.  Combine that with a late scratch for Jimmie Graham and a no-show by Dez Bryant, and Pep & Cheez falls one game out of the playoffs.  Their alert pickup of Jonathan Dwyer could help down the road, but carrying three Pittsburgh RBs has to be some kind of record (though probably not the White Album).

FLETCH: I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna' have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.

The Dundies fall to 1-6 on the season, but unlike the Sprockets, have done more to earn their record.  When Steven Gostkowski is your second-best player, you know things have not gone well for your team.  Sorry to pull rank you here, but Wes Welker, Andre Johnson, you're not doing enough to carry this team.  Matthew Stafford?  I'm going to have to take you downtown.  Vernon Davis - no catches?  This was not your bye week Vernon.  If you look at this list of names, this team should not be 1-6.  I commend the Dundies on their (draft) choices, but this team looks to be Toilet Bowl-bound.

Fletch: When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?

And at last we come to the Hundering Turd, 6-1 on the season now, with Nicks rounding into form, Forte looking healthy and 10 points out of the Red Rifle (Dalton), are (is?) the Turd ready to run off on vacation and charge it to the rest of the league?  The battle for family pride this week looms large - will Drew Brees come back to haunt his old fantasy team?  Or will Vincent Jackson actually run at full speed this week and not get caught from 10 yards behind again?  Tune in next week to find out!

Watchog Week 6 - Wallyworld!

Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?

OK, it's not the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, but Brokerage did put up eleventy-one points this week, good for second most points on the face of the fantasy football earth, at least as related to the PCFFL.  I, for one, am glad to see Mike Vick continue to pile up fantasy points and losses.  I'm sure Team Brokerage, having won three straight now, are pleased as well! 

Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.

If you picture that second largest ball of twine in the world rolling down a hill, the Red Bandits would be the tomato sitting at the bottom of that hill, waiting to be rolled into ketchup.  They did get double-digit points from Eli and LeSean, but no one else.  Interesting or not, the Canes Division is 1-5 against the Quakes Division so far this season.  The Bandits are the only team to win a game thus far, beating Dale's Doormats (of course).  Of course, Coach Marcin would tell you the Bandits are indeed "nothing but the best!" 

CLARK: We're ten hours from the fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation! It's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fun we'll need plastic surgeory to remove our godamn smiles!

Dale's Doormats are on a quest too - a quest for the Enchilada Bowl (or just the playoffs).  With 110 points this week, they double their wins on the season as Bob Griffin 3 goes for 38 this week.  Just 9 points out of first place in the Wilt Race and inching ever closer to a winning record.  Second half of the season is going to be so much fun...


Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.

The Fatties have put MJD and the Bears' bye week behind them and know that those teams won't be going anywhere for a long while.  Having spent so much money on Brian Hartline, it was of course predictable that he should produce the same number of points, once inserted into the starting lineup, as both MJD and the Bears combined this week.  The 54 points from the starters were accentuated by the 7 points from their bench players, a performance even more unhinged by the fact that this was the Fatties' first loss of the season and prior to this week, they'd been averaging over 90 points per game.  A one-week abberation?  Or the start of a long roller-coaster of a season?  I think the Fatties have been on this ride before, and had a bad experience on this ride.

Ellen Griswold: Don't you want to look at the Grand Canyon?
Clark: Great.  Let's go.

Look at what Shonn Greene did for the Camel Jox this week:  161 yards and 3 TDs - truly a magnificent spectacle.  His 34-point effort was in fact 7 more than he'd put together in the previous 5 weeks.  When asked about his execution, Coach Haas did not say he was in favor of it, but rather took a page from Clark W, as above - "That's great.  Let's go - do it again."

Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

The Wombats fall to 2-4 despite driving all the way across country, putting up 81 points and holding a 29 point lead going into Sunday Night's game with just Jordy Nelson left for Pep & Cheez.  Sorry folks!  Another victim of Aaron Rodgers' 6 TD game as Nelson caught half of them. 



Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.

This exchange is perfect for Team Gump in so many ways.  First, Pac Man?  Space Invaders?  Video games have come a loooooong way in the last 25 years.  Second, 55 points from the defending champs?  Last year was a loooooong time ago!  How many kicks did Akers miss?  What happened to Luck?  Last week he beats the Packers, this week he gets whitewashed by the Jets?  A perfect lineup, with Felix Jones, Brandon Gibson and Denver D instead of Michael Turner, Jeremy Kerley and Ravens D would have made things interesting, but in the end, when you've got Asteroids and are 105 points out of the Wilt race, it all comes out the same.


Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

Sprockets know you could too break the skin, you could get a bad infection.  You could get 338 yards and 6, not a mis-print six TDs from Aaron Rodgers and still fall to 0-6, not a mis-print zero and six, on the season. 


Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 56 yards.
Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
[pauses as Rusty walks away]
Clark: [proudly] ... 56 yards...

OK, I edited the quote, but the Turd managed 56 yards from Willis McGaheehee on Monday Night to overcome the Sprockets and Aaron Rodgers' 6 TD passes.  The Turd is now 5-1 on the season, with Andy Dalton producing his 4th 27+ point game in 6 tries.  CJ Spiller, known here as a "glorified punt returner", is back and producing and Jason "Mmm Bop" Hanson had 4 more field goals.  56 Yards...


Clark: Roll 'em up!

The Dundies have witnessed more than their share of plight of the inner city this season.  Dropping to 1-5 despite facing the worst scoring team in the league (sorry Haas), it's time to stop and ask for directions out of East St. Louis. 





Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

Pep & Cheez improved to 3-3 with a 1-point win over the Wombats, but remains one of three teams in the league more than 100 points off the pace for the Wilt Scoring Title.  With Mendenhall getting laid off, Redman getting his disability cut and Charles being told the plate in his leg wasn't big enough, P&C may have trouble making ends meet in the next few weeks though...

Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.

Has I/T ever beaten anyone?  Just a dog, and both Ingrey brothers.  They're going to have trouble beating anyone else if only Peyton and Jermaine get into double-digits.  They had a little trouble beating Dale's Doormats with that bb-gun arm Manning is sporting these days. 


Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.

Which is more cruel?  Dominating a team and leaving them without hope?  Or letting them hang around?  Natural Disaster did the former, Semi-P the latter.  ND took on the defending Enchilada Champion Gumpsters, and put them out of their misery early on, as everyone but SF D put up a solid performance, even if Christian Ponder took most of the first three quarters to get his act together.  We even had a Kenny Britt sighting...


Clark: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
[tearing up]
Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt...

What's cruel is the way Semi-P is just toying with the rest of us poor dogs, tying us to the back of the bumper, letting even a 54-point team like the Fatties think they have a chance to hang on, and maybe they did for a mile or two... 

Watchdog Week 5 - Creepy and Kooky

The torture of fantasy football!  Last week, the average score of the league was 91.5, this week it was just under 82.  And with Halloween a mere three weeks away, and the whole torture theme, it seemed appropriate to give a nod to one of my favorite movies of days gone by, the Addams Family (yes, the movie is 20 years old and is officially an "oldie").  By the way, since when did Halloween get a "season"?  It's not even a real holiday!  It is similar to saying that we're celebrating the season of Christmas Eve.  But I digress...

 

Morticia: Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.

Dale's Doormats are now fourth in the league in points scored and 1-4 on the season.  And yes, they had just enough points on the bench to have tied for high points for the week, with San Francisco QBs coming up with 44 points, which is by 5 the highest point total of any player for any week this season.  With Alex Green suddenly thrust into the starting RB role in Green Bay, the future looks bright for Dale's Doormats.

 

Gomez: [to his family] They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with God as my witness, I am that fool!

Coach Ken of the Hundering Turd was quoted earlier this week as saying "I may have just made the most lopsided trade in the history of fantasy football."  Yes, giving up Drew Brees and Marques Colston certainly seems like an epic blunder from where we stand today.  I will say here that the Turd had it in them to move to 5-0 this week, had they started Jay Cutler and Owen Daniels and/or found a second WR in place of Lance Moore who was inactive going into the game this week.  Given that they have a good young QB in Andy Dalton, and that Colston had averaged 4 points per game over the first quarter of the season, was getting Cutler, Michael Bush and Nicks enough?  It may depend on the health of Matt Forte and Nicks going forward.  Or you can just answer now - yeah, probably not.

Morticia: And our credo: "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc." We gladly feast on those who would subdue us. Not just pretty words.

Semi-P seems to be taking these pretty words to heart, moving to 5-0 and opening a comfortable lead in the Wilt Scoring race.  A quiet day for Matty Ice with a mere 345 yards passing and 2 TDs, it was the Panthers D and Frank Gore who feasted this week.  A very quiet 95 points overall, Gronk got only 3, Miles Austin had the week off, and Adrian Peterson had his fourth straight week of not reaching the end zone.  I'm sure Coach King is waiting to use Peterson at the goal line until it's absolutely necessary.  Did SP get a break with Andre the Giant getting concussed and David Wilson finally hanging onto the football?  The Fatties are this week's main course.

Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

The Sprockets continue to try to make Girl Scout Cookies when life hands them Girl Scouts, astutely trading Megatron for Marshawn Lynch from the Wombats.  It did not result in a win this week, as Jonathan Stewart, Mike Wallace and Scott Chandler combined for 7 points, but for the second straight week, Aaron Rodgers was over 30 points, and with Wallace and Anquan Boldin! at WR, they seem to be deep enough there to withstand the loss of Megatron.  Will it result in a playoff run?  They are just 3 games out of a playoff spot with 8 weeks yet to play.

Pugsley: Are they dead?
Wednesday: Does it matter?

 The Camel Jockeys fell to 1-4 this week despite an inspired effort by Philip Rivers and Victor Cruz, who together had 69% of the Jox points for the week.  The Thomas brothers (Pierre and Daniel) finally showed up, as a sign that the Jox may not be dead yet, and might indeed feel like getting up and walking around, but that's a different movie entirely. 

 

Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So we can play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: It's called, "Is There a God?"

There is a rumor going around that the Wombats' Coach Sharp heard that the Turd had just offered "the worst trade in the history of fantasy football" and said "not so fast!"  On paper, a trade of Marshawn Lynch for Calvin Johnson makes a ton of sense.  Megatron is the reigning points leader among non-QBs and Lynch is a very good back.  However, when looking at the Wombats' roster, they have four WR who scored 8 points or more this week, including Reggie Wayne's 27 and James Jones' 16 (just acquired on waivers, and alertly so given Jennings' injury).  Meanwhile at RB, they have Alfred "What Me Worry" Morris and Chris "CJ2.0" Johnson at RB and little else.  Now CJ2.0 was coming off a 141 yard effort, so there was reason for optimism.  However, that is a level he'd reached only twice since week 1 of 2010.  And in his last 20 games, he's scored a total of 4 TDs.  I would think this trade falls under the category of "high risk".  Right Puglsey?

 

Gomez: [about Morticia] I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.

Now, I'm not trying to say Peyton Manning throws like a girl, but I think I/T has to be a little concerned at the wobbly passes coming out of his hand.  Either way, when he passes for his third straight 300+ yard game, what bliss!  All the moreso with I/T moving into a tie for third in the mediocre Quakes Division (at a sterling 2 wins and 3 losses).  A team with just 18 points on the bench and no other reliable scorers this side of Shayne Graham, they truly will live and die with Peyton.  Fortunately, with a D as bad as Denver sports, there figures to be more than a few shoot-outs, so even if he's bringing a pea-shooter instead of a cannon, it's still a pretty accurate pea-shooter.  At least that's what Coach Eichhorst is telling himself, right Dennis?

Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone before?

Wednesday: He's only a child.

Uncle Fester: That's no excuse!

Natural Disaster did indeed slaughter someone this week, earning high points for the second time in the last four years.  Like Pugsley, it seemed a bit shaky, going into Sunday Night's game with just 40, and being ever-so-grateful that Dale left Alex Smith on the bench.  Further, like anyone ununsed to success, it will be hard for them to repeat, given that the Saints are off this week, but with Ray Rice, a healthy Fred Jackson, Brandon Lloyd, Marques Colston and "Legatron" Greg Zuerlein, there's a chance they'll grow to love the taste of blood. 

Dr. Pinderschloss: Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand. The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.
Grandmama: Even with a chainsaw.

Someone certainly seems out to stop the Fatties, as Ryan Williams goes down for the season and their four-headed RB duo of Jones-Drew and Green-Ellis combine for 6 points, leading MJD to talk about the frustration of playing for a team as bad as that for so long.  Was he referring to the Jags or the Fatties?  We may never know.  Nevertheless, as long as the Bears D continues to be the highest scoring non-QB in fantasy football (yes, you read that right - Arian Foster has 91, Chicago D has 94), the Fatties will be hard to kill.  Even with a chainsaw. 

Dr. Pinderschloss: Love/hate, hate/love. Like for mama, no?
Gomez: But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident!

The Red Bandits hold a narrow lead in the Canes Division at 4-1.  While Coach Marcin is a Cowboys fan, having to root for Eli may have him contemplating having Eli meet an accident at some point, but not until after week 16, I would think.  Not to mention having to root for LeSean McCoy.  At least he does not have to deal with the agony of having to root for Tony Romo this year.

Wednesday (putting an apple in Pugsley's mouth):  Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.

Pep & Cheez were right in the middle of the pack of mediocrudity coming into the week, but by putting the apple in the mouth of Pugsley, so to speak with a 58-point effort, it does call into question whether they indeed know what they're doing.  Sometimes having a QB on a team with too good a defense can be a detriment, especially if that QB has a history of injuries, right Matt Schaub?  The good news is that P&C had a Rashad Mendenhall sighting in week 5.  And Jimmy Graham doesn't figure to have too many more 4-yard efforts. 

Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Well, Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpurnia Addams.
Morticia: Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They said she danced naked in the town square and enslaved the minister.
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Really?
Morticia: Oh, yes. But don't worry. We've told Wednesday college first.

There are 10 teams who have scored between 406 and 451 points.  Just about right in the middle of that we find Dunder Mifflin, with 427 points scored.  And while it may seem like they're on a wrong career track, with just a 1-4 record, they have weathered their starting QB's bye week already (Matthew "if he's healthy" Stafford) and had four bench players pitch in 14 points or more this week.  And just like Calpurnia had to endure people's little suspicions of her witchcraft, the Dundies will have to endure losing Cedric Benson for the year.  Forunately, they have - er, well no one actually on the bench who can play running back.  Hmmm...  is there a fantasy football college somewhere that the Dundies could go to learn about the importance of back-up RBs? 

Margaret: You are too precious for words, why I could just... eat you alive!
Morticia: Oh no, Margaret! Too young!

Team Gump has taken a bit of flak in this space for their preponderance of rookies and young players. But at 3-2 now, having won two straight, and having witnessed Andrew Luck's stirring 27-point second half comeback against the Packers, with the resurgence of Ahmad Bradshaw, Michael Turner and the continued dominance of Baltimore D, the defending champion Gumpsters do indeed seem to know what they're doing, draft day aside.

 Dr. Pindershloss:  What are you, darling?  Where's your costume?
Wednesday:  I'm a homicidal maniac.  They look just like everyone else.

Team Brokerage does seem to look just like everyone else - although they do actually sport a winning record (3-2), they have 426 points, again right in the middle of the middle pack of mediocre teams.  With Mike Vick turning the ball over left and right (except against the Giants) and having to play two Charger RBs to avoid playing DeAngelo Williams (who apparently wouldn't have played himself either), they indeed look just like everyone else.  Or do they have that murderous glint in their eye?  Percy Harvin and AJ Green certainly have the ability to take out a few unsuspecting victims by themselves.  There does not appear to be any truth to the rumors that Coach Lubert was the fantasy owner who got DeAngelo's dander up though.  A homicidal maniac, maybe, but not a stalker.


 

Watchdog Week 4 - the A-Team

Did I say "mediocre" last week?  Over the first three weeks of the season, the average score for a team in our league was just over 83 points.  This week it was just under 92 points.  Two teams scored 91 and lost, another scored 92 and won.  Overall, 5 of the 7 winning teams were north of 104 points.  So if you didn't bring your A-Team, you might as well have stayed home.  If that sounds like an excuse to compare our league to horrible 80s action TV, well, you've probably read this blog too long.

One of three undefeated teams remaining, Semi-P, leading in the Wilt Scoring Race, is starting to look a lot like Colonel Hannibal Smith, the brains behind the organization, the man with the plan.  This week their plan included having every starter score double-digits, however as with the A-Team, something always gets screwed up, but they escape with a win anyway.  In this case, it was Dallas D not realizing that this was Jay Cutler they were facing and coming up with a mere 4 points.  They needed the other 7 including an Aaron Rodgers-like performance from Matty Ice as any other opponent this week might have had Marques Colston, Freddy Jackson or Brent Celek in the lineup (or Greg Zuerlein Steak), any two of which would have been enough for Natural Disaster to even their record at 2-2.  With Brees and 49ers D both going off (62 of ND's 91 points), things could have been pretty interesting, but as with the A-Team, it seems like we've seen this episode before.

McGyver was of course renowned for things like building himself a laser with crystals, a ruby and a mirrored bowl.  The Wombats have once again built a winning team with guys like Alfred Morris, Eric Decker and Tony Romo.  And we have a Chris Johnson sighting this week!  Was he waiting for the Watchdog to dump on him?  Anyway, I in I/R was this week's fodder, despite getting a throwback game from Peyton (338 yards and 3 TD).  I/R dumped nearly half their bench on waivers this week.  Given that only 2 of the 8 scored even one point, one wonders if McGyver would approve?  As he once said when asked if he could build a bomb out of chewing gum - "why, do you have some?" 

For the team and guy who always seem to fall bass-ackwards into the most desirable spot to be in, there can be only one pairing - Team Gump is Magnum PI.  Is Cam Newton too soft to win?  Michael Turner too old at 30 (not to mention the miles)?  David Akers misses 47 field goals?  Three of their starters total 3 points?  No problem, we'll just win by 40.  This time, like Higgins, it was Dunder Mifflin's appointed job to try to reign in all this debauchery.  But with the British accent (Hillerman is actually from Texas) - aka Matthew "If He Can Stay Healthy" Stafford, Andre "Ooh my groin" Johnson and Vernon "Air" Davis, this was a losing battle this week again.  How does Gump do it???

If you're a little younger than me and you're looking back at the 80s and wondering "did they really make a TV show about David Hasselhoff driving a talking car?"  Well, yes, indeed they did.  Did Team Brokerage just put up 105 points with Harvard Fitzgerald at QB and bench Michael Vick (and come out ahead 20 points in the transaction)?  Yes, indeed he did.  In fact, you could make the argument that, having kept the Sprockets off the win column by only 14, that this move is the single best coaching move of the season to date.  Now, you could also make the argument that having DeSean Jackson (15), Danny Amendola (11), Greg Olson (14) and Jackie Battle (19) on the bench over Matthews (8), Harvin (9) and Gates (5) would put them back into the running for the Ditka Cup.  And I believe I just did.  Nevertheless, it's nice to see the Sprockets continue to plug away, picking up Scott Chandler (18 points off waivers) and Devon Bess (12 more) and finally getting a Rodgers-worthy performance out of GB QB with 319 yards and 4 TDs.

Speaking of hard-to-believe 80s TV, yes there actually was a show called "Manimal" about Jayna from the Wonder Twins, who could turn into any animal she wanted to and of course used her power to help solve crimes.  What?  It was a live-action TV Crime drama show about a man who could turn into other mammals, but somehow also a falcon?  Hard to believe, but it lasted a full 8 episodes way back in 1983.  Also hard to believe that the Fatties are 4-0 and yet will almost certainly somehow find a way to miss the playoffs for the 82nd straight season.  How?  They will have to really work at it this year.  More games against the Camel Jockeys would make that difficult.  You know it's not your year when the Chargers are 3-1 but Rivers is the 22nd ranked fantasy QB, when McFadden is healthy but the 22nd ranked fantasy RB and the Eagles are 3-1 and in first place and sporting the 23rd ranked fantasy defense. 

Which brings us to Pep & Cheez, the team with the lowest score this week to win a game.  To them goes the honor of the action TV show with hands-down the best theme song.  Fortunately, a mere 43 episodes were created before the show was mercifully cancelled.  Aside from the themesong, or maybe including it, the best thing this show brought us was the Seinfeld episode where George is screening his calls singing "Believe it or not, George isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep..."  Like the show, Pep & Cheez's week was rather disappointing, with a mere 88 points, led by the revitalized Jamaal Charles, and like the themesong, P&C hopes that the 2 straight wins is indicative of a team whose super power is the ability to infest itself into your brain (much like "Co-Stanza").  It is Dale's Doormats who fall victim to the suit (or the song), dropping to 1-3 despite maintaining the second most points in the league.  No coaching blunders to mention, strangely enough, but as a GM, half their bench put up goose eggs this week while GB K and GB D combined for 6 points and hold fast at 20th and 27th in the league irrespectively.  Given that they don't carry a backup at either position, how long will Coach Dale stick with his beloved Pack if they continue to stink this badly?

The Turd improved to 4-0 behind the brilliant idea of pairing Heather Locklear with James T. Kirk in a police show.  Really there was nothing remotely memorable about the show aside from that one big idea.  The downside of the idea is - well, it's really hard to make the most of Heather's assets in a police uniform.  The Turd had one big idea and it included trading Drew Brees and Marques Colston for a back-up running back and an injured WR.  Let's hope the Turd's season is a bit more memorable than TJ!  They did have enough this week to win the battle of the (previously) unbeatens against the Red Bandits.  Did anyone else stay up for the end of Eagles-Giants game?  They flashed the stat that LeSean McCoy averages 9.5 yards per carry against the Giants in the fourth quarter of his now 7 games against them.  What the heck?!?!  How is the possible?  Why can't the Giants stop him?  And why do the Eagles not just hand him the ball all day long?  Anyway, McCoy had like 5 yards in the first half and finished with 123 thanks to the 4th quarter phenomenon.  But it wasn't enough and the Turd, for this week anyway, are happy to have Andy Doolin' Dalton, Bush and Forte, McGaheehee and Nicks, Jackson and Moore.  It's a deep team, but no longer a scary one.