Watchdog 16 - FEAR THE HEAD!

FEAR THE HEAD!

You think that's scary, just be glad I didn't post a picture of Coach Eickhorst! Congratulations to the Mighty E-Head, Coach Eickhorst and elephants everywhere. It is a strange and wonderful season when a team goes from dead last in points scored and in the standings after week 5 to the top of the heap. Much has been made already in this column of the E-Head's amazing rise from the dung heap. But consider this - when they lost to Dale's Doormats in week 11, despite getting 87 points, they fell to 4-7 and a tie for 5th place in their division. Their 87 points in week 11 tied them for third for the week, but should have sealed their fate as a Toilet Bowl contender. They then scored under 92 points just once the rest of the season and won 6 straight games. And with the help they got from the teams in front of them, the E-Head claims the Whole Enchilada!

Proper respect must be shown to the second place Team Brokerage who went on their own little winning streak from a 4-4 record to finish the regular season at 9-4 before falling with a solid 92-point effort to the Head. A week 6 pick-up of Antonio Bryant was huge, and Peyton Hillis looked like a season-changer until he got hurt. With Addai in and out all season, their second-biggest mistake of the season was dropping Dominic Rhodes all those times. They also had Pierre Thomas (115 points in the last 6 weeks, including 15 this week) but let him go. But the #1 mistake of the season was in chosing not to keep Michael Turner (16 TDs and 2nd high scoring RB in the league) for $20. Now I give Coach Lubert crap for a lot of things, but we all make moves we wish we could take back. What makes Brokerage a consistently good team are the little things like this - with Matt Forte a game-time decision on Monday Night, they picked up the Other Adrian Peterson in case Forte wasn't going to play. I daresay most of us would not have thought of that!

Congrats also to Semi-R, who edged out BYOB to win the Constipation Bowl. Hard to believe BYOB's guys could have had worse matchups. Barber was never right after his littlest piggie cried 'wee wee wee' all the way home. As for Braylon Edwards, I think he just dropped another pass. McNabb - well what can you say? The entire team had just one TD for the week. A bitterly disappointing end to a fine season by the BYOBs.

Close, but....

For Semi-R, they get enough out of Warner/Leinart (somehow?!?!), Ronnie Brown, Westbrook and Gates and sealed the deal with the Charger D's INT for a TD. Nice for them to get a little something for a fine season.

And least and last, we have the Toilet Bowl. Congrats also to Pep & Cheez for edging out the Ds essentially on this catch by Santonio Holmes. The aforementioned Pierre Thomas comes back to haunt the Ds, who also had and released him. There was also a leaping, finger-tip catch by rookie TE John Carlson to beat both the Jets and the Ds. On the flip side, the Ds, as usual, left all kinds of points on the bench. Tashard Choice had 17, Jerricho Crotchery had 8, Dominic Hixon had 9, any one of which would have been enough to at least tie the game. And if you think winning the Toilet Bowl didn't mean much to me after all the s*** I took this season, you don't know me very well. But then, the D's biggest handicap has always been its coach.

OK, time for the post-season awards!

In addition to the division title and 2nd Prize in a Beauty Contest, Coach Lubert will take home the Ditka Cup for reasons described above.

The Bernard Madoff "Is That Legal?" prize goes to the Killer Ds for perpetrating questionably legal scheme to collect draft picks from unsuspecting teams.

The Plaxico Burress "Didn't Know It Was Loaded" Worst Excuse Of the Year Award goes to Rom Brago. Welcome back Rom!

The Jamal Anderson "Dirty Bird" first devestating injury of the season goes to Tom Brady and the Mavs.

The Barak Obama Fantasy Football Bailout Award goes to Pepperoni & Cheez, who finished the regular season with 6 straight losses, the fewest points scored in the league, finishing 202 points out of 13th place and somehow won the Toilet Bowl.

The George W Bush "This War is Over!" Award goes to Dale's Doormats, who led the league in scoring, yet somehow came in third in their division and were a first round out in the playoffs.

The John McCain "Thanks For Trying" Award goes to Brett Favre and the Walla Walla Wombats. I'm sure Coach Sharp was speaking for Jets fans everywhere when he said "Don't let the door hit you in the a** Brett."

2008 PCFFL PAYOUTS
1,820 Total Pot
130 Cost of Website
1,690 Net

Individual Payouts
845.00 50.00% Winners Purse E-Head
338.00 20.00% 2nd Place Brokerage
84.50 5.00% 3rd Place Semi-P
169.00 10.00% High Scorer Dale's Doormats
84.50 5.00% Division Winner 1 BYOB
84.50 5.00% Division Winner 2 Brokerage
84.50 5.00% Toilet Bowl Winner Pep & Cheez
1,690 100.00% TOTAL

Payouts By Team
845.00 50.00% Winners Purse E-Head
422.50 25.00% 2nd Place D1 Win Brokerage
84.50 5.00% 3rd Place Semi-P
84.50 5.00% Division Winner 2 BYOB
169.00 10.00% High Scorer Dale's Doormats
84.50 5.00% Toilet Bowl Winner Pep & Cheez
1,690 100.00% TOTAL

That's all I have for you. Now go get a life! See you in September!
- Watchdog Out!

Watchdog 15 - Random Thoughts for a Random Season

The wheel in the sky keeps turning / Where will I be tomorrow? How random is the fantasy football season?

BYOB and Semi-R are now playing for 3rd place. Semi-R wasn't even able to hold onto their division title, despite leading for the first 11 weeks of the season. BYOB led wire to wire and lost their first playoff game.

Sage Rosenfels / Matt Schaub have more fantasy points than McNabb, Peyton Manning and Patriots QBs. Tyler Thigpen, on a 2-12 NFL team, is 11th in the league, ahead of Favre, Rothlisberger and Eli. Free agent San Francisco QBs are 12th and have 10 weeks out of 14 with at least 18 fantasy points.

Team Brokerage, who had exactly one healthy RB on their roster, rose up and put down Semi-R, holding on despite having to rely on Cleveland to hold down Westbrook and D Jackson.

And BYOB puts up the second most points in the week, but ran into the machine that is the Mighty E-Head. Andre Johnson, Randy Moss and Dallas Clark combine for 64 and Slaton and Peyton do enough to put down the Colossus. The E-Head started the season 0-4, putting up a total of 247 points in those 4 games (61 per game) and now they are in the Enchilada Bowl. Since week 5, they have averaged just under 90 per game. Remarkable. Big pick-ups were Eddie Royal, Dallas Clark and Derrick Ward. Otherwise, it is largely the same team they started the season with.

The top three running backs in the league in fantasy points were all available in the draft portion of our auction/draft, and every team had a chance to take Thomas Jones (last pick of the first round) and DeAngelo Williams was a 3rd round pick. Forte was a 2nd round pick, Slaton went in the 6th, Chris Johnson was the 11th pick of the first round. So 6 of the top 10 producing RBs on the season were in the draft. Michael Turner was the 2nd pick overall, but everyone had a chance to draft 4 of the other 6 at least once.

Dale's Doormats led the league in points scored for the season and lost their first round playoff game as well as 5 other games in the regular season. The Fatties, who finished with high points 2 weeks and were within 5 points of high points 3 other weeks, went 5-8, missed the playoffs and lost in the second round of the Toilet Bowl.

For WRs, it's been a bit more predictable, with only Roddy White, Greg Jennings, Antonio Bryant and Vincent Jackson as top 12 WRs who were available in the draft. That said, White was a 3rd round pick and Bryant and Jackson went completely undrafted, as did Kevin Walter, Lance Moore and Eddie Royal, also top-20 WRs.

In the Toilet Bowl, we have one of the more improbable match-ups, with Pep & Cheez, who finished the regular season with a 4-9 record, going against the Killer Ds, fresh off their 3-win season.

All that said, it should be noted that Team Brokerage is one win away from their second Enchilada Bowl title. Team Gump missed their 4th straight Enchilada Playoff appearance by one game. Since their inceptions as teams in this league, the Mavs, Wombats, Fatties, Doormats and Gumpsters are all averaging over 82.7 points per game. So, like life, there is a significant amount of just rewards amid the apparent randomness. And that is your deep thought for today.

Watchdog XIII - Freddy vs Mighty E-Head

Fear the Head! You can't kill the Head, you can only hope to contain them. This may be the single greatest comeback in the history of fantasy football.

Let's review for a second. Coming out of the draft you had a team that was widely considered (by me) to be hands down the worst team in the league. Remember, this was a team led by Peyton Manning with more knee surgeries than healthy knees, Kenny Watson as their #1 RB, Randy Moss but suddenly without Tom Brady. At the half-way point in the season, they were 2-5. But they kept plugging away. A lesson for all those teams that gave up half way through the season (whoever that may be)?

Nevertheless, they stood at 5-7 and solidly in 5th place in the Quakes Division entering the last week of the season. They needed the Wombats to lose to Semi-R (OK that's possible) and the Fatties to lose to the Killer Ds, who had not won since week 7. And they needed to beat the defending champion Sprockets.

Well, Semi-R took care of business, laying the wood to the Wombats 123 to 60, with only Antonio Gates scoring under 10 points. Not enough to hold off Team Brokerage for division champs, but enough to make the playoffs for the first time in team history.

The Fatties inexplicably left DeAngelo Williams, who had averaged just over 20 fantasy points per week the last four weeks and was facing the 30th ranked rushing defense in the league, on the bench. His 32 points in place of Frank Gore's 8 would have made last night's game irrelevant to the entire world instead of just relevant to Coach Eickhorst. And with the Killer Ds coming up with 95, the stage was set.

Now I've said before, "Down 49 going into Monday Night" is not a phrase you want to hear. Peyton Manning put up a grand total of 5 points, with 125 yards passing and two picks, plus a fumble literally inches away from the end zone. Colts QBs have 235 points, trailing Sage Rosenfels and just 5 points better than Tyler Thigpen. So to say Manning has been disappointing is putting it mildly. Randy Moss has 121 points on the season, including a whopping 5 on Sunday, with about 17 dropped passes in the end zone. He trails Greg Jennings and Roddy White, among others, who were not in the auction, and is just 4 points ahead of the immortal Lance Moore.

So while Andre Johnson had an early TD and Kris Brown put up 3 FGs, it looked like it would all be for naught until about 5 minutes left to go in our fantasy season when J Zgonina recovered a fumble by David Garrard and the next play Steve Slaton burst through the line for a 7-yard TD.

Still the E-Head trailed, but the Fatties were getting a litte nervous now. And when the Jags finally engineered a TD drive and failed at the on-side kick with 2:11 to play, the confluence of events proved mightier than the Monongahela and the Alleghany. Again, a one-play drive with Steve Slaton going off-guard, slicing through the defense and 40 yards later, the Head had gone from paupers to playoffs.

Now THAT is a comeback!

So the playoffs are set:

BYOB and Brokerage win their divisions and earn first round byes. Semi-R and Dale's Doormats will face off in the Canes Division to earn the right to play Brokerage. Congrats to the Doormats on holding off BYOB by 7 points for the points race, going wire-to-wire.

And in the other bracket, the Mavs and E-Head will battle for the right to play BYOB.

One other side note - you knew I couldn't leave this alone - yes, the Killer Ds earned just one victory after the controversial firesale. However, I would point out that we led the league in points against, 159 points more scored against us than against Brokerage. Put another way, over 12 points per week more were scored against the Ds than Brokerage. Put yet another way, we scored more points than 6 of the 7 teams in the Quakes Division and finished DFL. Only twice all year did we score less than 70 points and never less than 60.

Watchdog - Pre Playoff Preview

Well folks, you asked for it, you got it. We're back to the short season for Fantasy Football. Hardly seems possible, but we're already down to just two weeks to go. So with that in mind, the Watchdog will re-revisit the Department of Redudancy Department and re-review our pre-playoff preview.

In the Quakes Division, otherwise known as the cream-puff division, BYOB locked up the division with its 6th straight win, this over the vaunted Semi-R, and while Marion "Clubber Lang" Barber of the controversial firesale, provided the winning margin, it should be noted that Justin Fargas would also have sufficed. What lies ahead? Sprockets & Gumpsters provide tune-up and a chance to make up 31 points on the Doormats' total points lead.

For the Mavs, an NFL record-setting QB performance by Tom Br - er Matt Cassel - the first QB ever to pass for 400 yards and run for 60 in the same game - provided nearly half their points for the week. The good news is that they edged the Ds, the better news is that Larry Johnson and Jonathan Stewart along with TJ Houshmanshdoiwehr look like they'll provide enough depth to get this team into the playoffs. Key games remaing against the Turd and the Doormats, both in the log-jam of teams fighting for a playoff spot in the Canes Division.

The Wombats lay the wood to the Hundering Turd and also led the way for the Eagles-Bengals debacle. Their 5-5-1 record provides a half-game lead on the Fatties and a 1 1/2 game lead on the E-Head and P&C. Games remain against the Doormats and Semi-P though, so the Bats will have their work cut out for them. 6-6-1 will be a good result.

That could leave the door open for the Fatties, who for the second time this year have tied for the most points for the week. QB play could be a problem spot for them, but with Gore, Turner and DeAngelo Williams, they have enough RB to be competitive. Games remain against Brokerage and the Ds, so it will be a tall order to win both.

The Mighty E-Head's playoff hunt took a huge hit this week after putting up the 3rd highest point total of the week and coming up with a loss. With games left against Semi-R and the Sprockets, they need to win both and have two of the Mavs, Wombats or Fatties lose both their remaining games.

Pep & Cheez may be playing for draft position by now. Oh yes, that's randomly drawn. Well, with a 45-point "effort" and their fourth straight loss, P&C has games against the Gumpsters and Brokerage and needs to win both and have three of the four teams above them on this list lose both their games. With just 702 points scored on the season, it evokes the famous locker room rant of the coach in Bull Durham: "How'd we ever win 4?" "It's a miracle."

For the Red Bandits and Killer Ds, it is officially "wait til next year" time.

In the Canes Division, Semi-P has a 1 game lead on Brokerage and a 2 game lead on three other teams, but is actually 5th in the division in points scored, so if they fail to win either of their last two games, or pick up at least 5 points on the Turd or Gumpsters, they may yet miss the playoffs. With games against the Mighty E-Head and Wombats remaining, things will not get any easier. I say they get into the playoffs, but fail to clinch the division.

Brokerage, just one back, host the Fatties and travel to Pep & Cheez. A playoff spot seems likely, particularly as they are one of only three teams in the league with more than 900 points, so even a split of remaining games should get them in. A sweep and they'll have a good shot at the division as well.

Dale's Doormats get their fourth high points (tied this time). With the Wombats and Mavs still to play, they'll have to earn it. They are tied with the Turd and Gumpsters and just one up on the Sprockets. The Romo trade netted them one point over starting Eli, while Ryan Grant didn't crack the starting lineup this week. Imagine if Dale had a tight end instead of just Wide Receivers?

Turd has the Mavs & Bandits left. Looks like 7-6 won't do it, so they'll need to win 'em both. They finally took a loss with Brees in the starting lineup but left Marvin Harrison on the bench in place of Lee Evans and that was the difference in the game against the Bats. Well, that and the Bats leaving MJD on the bench in place of Hightower. Saints have Green Bay and Tampa Bay the next two weeks, so Brees will not be able to carry this team. But with Jacobs and Giants K and D, they may have enough supporting players to get it done.

The Gumpsters have a winnable one against Pep & Cheez and then play the tough BYOBers also needed to win both and get some help. Their star, Adrian AD Peterson has games the next two weeks against Jacksonville and Chicago, two teams that play the run decently. I don't think they'll have enough this year.

And last but not DLF we have the Sprockets, who earned a hard-fought 59-45 win over P&C to stay on life-support. The defending champs need wins against BYOB and the Mighty E-Head to have any chance.

I hate to say it - mostly because it lacks any sizzle - but I think the teams currently holding playoff spots will be the ones holding them in two weeks, with the only change being Brokerage edging Semi-R for the division title in the Canes Division.

Please note the Thursday game again this week - Cincy v Pittsburgh. I never re-set the trading deadline from last season, so it still says December 14. Let's make it this Thursday, game-time.

Watchdog 10 - Do It Again (for the first time?)

For those about to rock, we salute you! And the first two teams the Watchdog will salute today are BYOB and Semi-R, each at 8-2 now and essentially both have wrapped up a playoff spot. One win in the last three games will secure the first round bye for SR, while BYOB has already locked that up too. Before we get to saluting each team, I want to take time out for a quick note of a different tone:

"I was born by the river, under a little tent, and just like the river I've been running ever since, it's been a long time coming but I know a change gonna come." I don't want to get all political up in here, but I just want to take a minute and acknowledge what happened last week. If you've ever seen the movie "Talk To Me" when Martin Luther King gets assassinated and Don Cheadle's character plays this song - as a country, we have come a long, long, long way. That's all I have to say about that.

"When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all, but I know my lack of education hasn't hurt me none, I can read the writing on the wall." Semi-R - not really sure how this relates to Semi-R, but it is one of my favorite lines in any rock song ever and I had to put it in here somewhere. Anyway, the writing on the wall tells me Semi-R is headed to the Enchilada!

"I can't complain but sometimes I still do, life's been good to me so far." - Team Brokerage of course, who despite their complaining pulled to within 19 points of Dale's Doormats for high points for the season and have an inside track on the second seed in the tough Canes division. Led by Cutler, Forte and Tony Gonzalez, they're looking like a Mazerati doing 185.

"I want to kill, kill, kill! KILL! I want to see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth! Eat death & burnt bodies, I mean kill! And the seargent came over pinned a medal on me said 'you're our boy'." Hundering Turd, who according to Coach Ken are 0-4 without Drew Brees and 6-0 with him in the lineup. Clearly, he's their boy. I'd confirm this stat, buy my fact-checker was recently let go due to budgetary reasons.

"Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you're the ball, sometimes it all comes together, sometimes you're going to lose it all." Fatties have nearly matched Dale's record, winning high points out-right once, tying once and this week missing by 1 point, yet they find themselves with just four wins on the season. With games remaining against Gump, Brokerage and the Ds, they may need to run the table to assure a playoff spot. Two out of three ain't bad, but it may not be enough...

"Just looking into your eyes, I can tell you have the legs of a dancer." Mighty E-Head - when I look at this team on paper, they look mahvelous. Peyton, Andre Johnson, Randy Moss, Steve Slaton, Dallas Clark, Dolphins D, but Coach Dennis, don't be a shnook, it's not how they look, it's how they play. Do you understand the term 'full-grown midget'? Must be me.

"Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight." Pep & Cheez may as well Wang Chung tonight, they are 88 points behind the Mavs for 13th place in points scored, but 1/2 game out of a playoff berth. However they recently said they'd be fine with Delhomme and Hasselback at QB, declining a trade to upgrade.

"And she opened up a book of poems and handed it to me written by an Italian poet from the 13th century, and every one of those words rang true and burned like glowing coals, pouring off of every page like it was written in my soul from me to you, tangled up in blue." - Team Gump - seems like destiny, or at least deja vu, which is completely appropriate for the Gumpsters, not only for their ability to get to the post season almost every year, but also for their legendary drafting prowess.

"I was 18, didn't have a care, working for peanuts, not a dime to spare, I was lean and solid everywhere, like a rock." - BYOBs have McNabb (tied for 8th in points for QBs), T Jones, Bush and Barber (4th, 14th and 5th in points for RBs respectively), S Moss, Cal Johnson (4th and 6th in points for WRs respectively), Witten (tied 3rd in points for TE), Ravens D (2nd in points for D) and Akers (2nd in points for K) - that is solid everywhere.

"Is this the world we created, we made it all our own? Is this the world we devestated, right to the bone? If there's a God looking down from up above, what must He think of what we've done to the world that He created?" - Killer Ds - by the way, my guys are 3 for 3 in outscoring the guys we traded so far, and my team is 0-3. Maybe they just weren't that good?

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need." - Mavs continue to run 13th in points scored and have a full game lead on three would-be playoff teams. Mick was right: they may not score what they want, but they score what they need.

"If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it, is that the reason behind all this time and sand? If it comes too quick I may not recongnize it, is that the reason behind all this time and sand?" Dale's Doormats have finally won a couple games in which they didn't score high points for the week. Still clinging to high points for the week and now they get Romo back. Will he lead them to the Promised Land?

"If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all, born under a bad sign." Sprockets are DFL in points against, sitting in 6th place, closer to the Ds than to a playoff spot. Ouch.

"Last thing I remember, I was running for the door, I had to find the passage back to the place I was before. Relax said the night man, we are programmed to receive, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave." the Red Bandits desperately need Tomlinson to find the passage back to the player he was before. With Rogers, Mewelde Moore, Welker, Cooley, Jets D and John Kasay, they have the ability to make up the 1 game that separates them from a playoff spot - if Tomlinson regains form. Tough 1-point loss to Gump this week and the decision to bench Welker for Greg Camarillo may come back to haunt the Bandits.

"I don't know if she's loving somebody, I only know it isn't mine." Wombats currently have half a game lead on 3 teams and a 1 game lead on the Bandits, but when three of their top 6 scorers for the year are all WRs and two of the other 6 are QBs, it tends to point to a lop-sided team. I know I love their bodies, I only know I don't love their team.

By the way, for those of you who doubted the assessment of the relative strengths of the two divisions, the Quakes division has one team with more than 786 points - the Canes Division has 5 with more than 800 points.

Watchdog - 7/11

As we all know, Reinsurance is really just legalized gambling. And fantasy football is just plain gambling. I was listening to Mike & Mike on ESPN this morning and they were talking with Tiger Woods. Two things he said struck me as profound:

Mike: To save someone's life, you had to make a three-foot putt but you couldn't take it, who are you handing the putter to?

Tiger: That's not happening.

Mike: Do you believe in the golf gods?

Tiger: Kind of.

Mike: When someone tells me I'm playing really well, I want to hit them in the head with my driver because I know the golf gods are going to get me.

Tiger: That's your problem. You should never stop trying to improve.

Was Tiger intending to be deep? I don't think so. I think he was trying to be funny. Did he know he was going to be in the Watchdog this week? I think if the thought was ever going to cross his mind, it had to be while uttering these words.

So how much do we know about fantasy football? I don't know much (as evidenced by my team's performance thank you very much), but I know this:

Before the season, the top 10 QBs were, in order: NE, IND, DAL, NO, PHI, CLE, PIT, ARI, CIN and NYJ. Currently they are: SD (pre-season 20th), DAL, GB (21st), NO, DEN (18th), ARI, CHI (24th), NYJ, HOU (15th), and SF (19th). So four of the pre-season top 14 are currently ranked in the top 10.

Before the season, the top 10 RBs were, in order: Tomlinson, Westbrook, A Peterson, S Jackson, Lynch, Gore, Barber, L Johnson, Portis and Addai. Currently, the top 10 RBs are Portis, Barber, Bush (20th), Gore, Forte (30th), A Peterson, Jackson, Turner (18th), Brown (24th) and Jacobs (21st). So the top 2 are rated 14th and 20th respectively and 5 of the top 10 are different now.

Before the season, the top 10 WRs were, in order: Moss, Owens, Edwards, Fitzgerald, Wayne, A Johnson, Coston, S Smith, Holt, and Houshmandzadeh. Currently they are: Jennings (17th), Fitzgerald, Cal Johnson (14th), Santana Moss (28th), B Marshall (15th), A Johnson, Roddy White (27th), Lee Evans (23rd), Wayne, and Berrian (26th). So three of the top 10 WRs and none of the top three are currently in the top 10. Owens is 11th, Moss is 18th and Edwards is 30th.

Tight Ends were slightly more predictable, at least at the top: Pre-season rankings were: Witten, Cooley, Gates, Winslow, Gonzalez, Shockey, V Davis, Clark, Heap and Miller. Current rankings are: Witten, Gates, Daniels (11th), Cooley, Olsen (12th), Gonzalez, Shiancoe (31st), Scheffler (21st), Fasano (30th), and Carlson (18th). So again 5 of the pre-season top 10, but all the top 5.

Kickers: Gostkowski, Vinatieri, Folk, Dawson, Graham, Brown, Bironas, Crosby, Kaeding, Rackers. Current rankings: Longwell (17th), Elam (25th), Carney (NYG - 32nd), Gould (22nd), Nedney (24th), Bryant (23rd), Akers (18th), Kasay (12th), Prater (30th), Crosby (8th). So exactly one of the pre-season top 10 is currently in the top 10 - seemingly by accident. And in fact, only 2 of the pre-season top 16! Who picked that pre-season ranking, the Watchdog?

Defenses: MIN, DAL, SD, CHI, SEA, PIT, IND, JAX, WAS and PHI. Current rankings are: TB (13th), PHI, GB (20th), TEN (12th), CHI, PIT, BAL (16th), NYG (17th), NYJ (28th), and CAR (22nd). So three of the pre-season top 10 are currently ranked in the top 10. MIN is 11, DAL is 25th, SD is 14th.

So at the halfway point, what team did the best job of drafting? Let's look at it in order of the draft picks:

Red Bandits: GB QB in the 2nd round was a good pick, Carolina Kickers for $1 and Jets D in round 12 were good. Tomlinson, Willie Parker, Marques Colston and Wes Welker were underwhelming.

Fatties: Atl QB in round 9 was good, Gore for $50 was good, Turner in R1 was very good, Wayne for $23 was good. Fasano in R11 was very good. Dal kickers for $5 was good and GB D in R6 was very good. Cle QB ($10) was not good. Overall, it's probably that QB position that's killing the Fatties. Other than that, they had a great draft, and as good as Matt Ryan has looked, he's still just a rookie QB.

Wombats: Jets QB $11 and Den QB R3 are very good. None of their RBs drafted have looked good. Fitzgerald, Marshall, and Steve Smith have all been good to great. Crosby has been OK at K, and Carolina D has been good. Their recent trade for MJD will improve their chances, but it's hard to win with half a running back. Spending auction money on four WRs, even four good ones, is a tough proposition, as only two can play.

Pep & Cheez: Carolina and Seattle QBs are,well they're not good (OK, don't sell them short, they're tremenous slouches). S Jackson ($66) has been very good. J Jones (R3) looked good early. Burress ($15) has been OK, the rest of the WRs (J Walker, D Hester and T Ginn) not so much. Winslow has looked good even if he's a cement-head. Kickers (CIN & WAS) have been weak, and Ds (NE and CIN) have been bad.

E-Head: Indy QB ($40) have disappointed, Slaton (R6) has been very good (11th RB currently), Moss ($20) has disappointed but Andre Johnson ($23) has not. Keller (R5) has shown signs of being good. Kickers and Ds have not impressed. Overall, missed on two of the three the big ticket guys, but hit on a couple of long-shots.

Mavs: NE QB ($28) lasted 8 plays, Larry Johnson has been surprisingly good when he hasn't been assaulting anyone, Jonathan Stewart (R2) has been very good. Housh, Coles and Bowe have been pretty good. O Daniels (R4) has been great. Bironas and CHI D ($2) have been good. If Cassel continues to improve, the Mavs will be a team to beat. Currently (5-2) they rank first in "Team Defense", otherwise known as blind-ass-luck, or points against.

BYOB had two fair picks at QB (PHI and PIT for $15 each - OK they're each good, but together they're only fair) and were able to parlay one of those into Thomas Jones. Cal Johnson has been decent, despite having the best Polish QB since Steve Bartkowski throwing to him. B Edwards has been awful, except againt the Giants, but Santana Moss (R3) has been excellent. Cooley and Witten are both top 4, Longwell and Baltimore D are also excellent picks. Trading next year's #1 for Barber solidifies BYOB's position as a top seed in this year's Enchilada.

Turd spent $23 total on Houston and Washington QBs, and they look OK - Schaub has looked very good lately. McGahee ($27), Graham ($25) and Jacobs (R1) have been good to very good. Berrian and Evans have been surprisingly good. Heap (R2) has disappointed. Carney has been a revelation and NYG D has been very good at times. Missed with S Young (a strange keeper) and IND Kicker (particularly since they had the same bye as the Giants K). Overall, a good draft, that could be a playoff team if Schaub or Campbell picks it up.

Dale: Cin QB ($16) has been awful then hurt, leaving an Ivy League guy in there. Eli has been very good against weak opponents so far. Lynch, Lewis and LenDale White have been good. Boldin was doing well til he lost his face in the Jets' game. Jennings (R1) has been outstanding. Scheffler (R8) has been a find. Elam for $1 and TEN D (R9) have been excellent picks. Other than QB and RB, Dale has a top 10 player at every position. Unfortunately, those are kind of important positions.

Semi-R: ARI QB ($16) has been fantastic, Westbrook ($63) has not. Ronnie Brown (R2), Fragile Fred (R3) and Derrick Ward (R9) have been good picks. WRs have all disappointed. Gates ($11) and Olsen R7 have both been excellent. Den K (R12) has been great. No D (SD $8 and Den R11). Trading a TE for a WR might be enough to get them to the Enchilada Bowl. Can't give any leniency for Westbrook getting hurt because he always gets hurt and they did spend $63 for a back who's 5'10" 203 pounds and 29 years old.

Killer Ds: Dal QB ($26) was good until Romo got hurt; Barber $40 was good, Grant ($20) has shown signs lately but disappointed. Chris Johnson (R1) has been good, but shares the ball too much. Crotchery and A Gonzalez have disappointed, but DeSean Jackson (R5) has been very good. Dallas Clark has stunk. Bryant (R9) has been OK at K and Dal and IND D have both been awful. Overall, the WR and TE picks sunk an otherwise decent (but overrated) team.

Gump: Brees ($30) and Rivers (R3) have been excellent. Peterson ($20) too. McFadden ($33) Dunn (R6) and L Washington (R6) have taken up space. Harrison, Ward, and Mason lead a cadre of old, slow receivers. Shockey ($10) has been picked up and cut this year more times in one season than any player in fantasy football history (4,251 times as of last Sunday). A trade of either Brees or Rivers for a WR and/or a back should make Gump a playoff team. They too may regret passing on the Killer D's firesale.

Brokerage: Det QB (R4) and SF QB (R8) were never going to get it done. Addai ($51) has been hurt. MJD ($31) has been OK. Forte (R2) and Sproles (R5) were excellent and very good respectively. Holmes and Chambers were solid but unspectacular picks (R1 and R3). Gonzalez and Shiancoe (R11) were excellent picks, but they didn't keep Shiancoe. They made an excellent trade in picking up Broncos QB for MJD. With Ricky Williams, Forte and Addai, they may have enough to make the Enchilada Bowl now.

And picking last in the draft, the defending champion Sprockets: Stl QB and Jax QB for $7 each have been flat-out awful. Portis ($33) a bargain. Trading Thomas Jones (R1) for PIT QB could save their season and get them back into the playoffs. Edge (R2) and McAlister (R5) were solid picks. Holt ($16) has been bad, but Roddy White (R3) and TO ($20) have been very good. J Brown ($1), Gould (R8) and Pit D ($4) have been very good. I thought Garrard would have been better, but they picked up a very good QB and a potential keeper in Felix Jones in trades. With Reggie Bush hurt, McAllister suddenly becomes relevant again.

So given the rankings' accuracy from pre-season, I'll give you this ranking of the teams' overall drafts at the half-way pole:

1) BYOB and Semi-R tied (I'm as surprised as anyone to find the Draft Dominator at the top of the draft - two good QBs, two good WRs, two good TEs, good K & D for BYOB; Semi-R's WRs prevent them from being #1 by themselves, even with overspending for Westbrook; hit on cheap guys well - ARI QB for $16, and got good starters from rounds 2, 7, 9, 11 and 12)
3) Mavs and Sprockets tied (Portis for $33, White in R3, TO, K & D all excellent picks for Sprockets. Used depth at RB to address QB miss; Mavs hit with LJ and Stewart, got pretty good WR, very good TE, K and D; Cassel compares very well with Brady's first season. Watch out.)
5) Dale's Doormats (other than QB, they've been solid to very good at every position)
6) Fatties (Gore, Turner, Wayne, K and D were all good, but missing on Cle QB hurt)
7) Turd and Ds tied - Turd got good depth at RB, hit on two WR without spending, and got great "special teams". QB keeps them from being higher - right now. Ds missed on Grant and three of four WRs, and all of TE, K and D.
9) Wombats (two good QBs for cheap, over-drafted WRs, but hit on all, trades for RBs will make season)
10) Brokerage (no good QBs, Addai hurt and MJD OK, Forte has been great)
11) Bandits (not bad for only making half the draft - Tomlinson needed to be much better for the price)
12) E-Head (Slaton and A Johnson make up for Manning and Moss' disappointing season, but not the mass dumping of early draft picks)
13) Gump (two good QBs and one good RB, but missed on everything else)
14) Pep & Cheez (no good QB, best player is very good, but for $66 he should be, no one else has impressed)

Watchdog - Week of the Beast (666)

In the immortal words of Saint Mel, the Lord has given me this Fifteen (crash) - Ten Commandments!

"And the meek shall inherit the earth" Gospel According to St Matthew 5:5- The Mighty E-Head. Suddenly it seems that Peyton had not 15 commandments, but 2 knee surgeries. Is that a miracle? Where did the second surgery come from? Is that like Jesus feeding 5000 with a few fish and a loaf of bread? In any case, going against the #1 defense in the league and watching their top two RBs get injured, the Colts pasted the Ravens and suddenly, the E-Head don't seem quite so meek.

"Be thou either hot or cold, the lukewarm I shall spit out of my mouth" - John the Revelator 3:15 - we have 9 teams out of 14 with 3 losses out of 6 games. It doesn't get any more tepid than that! That said, there are those that run hot and cold (Dale's Doormats) and end up 3-3, and those than run extremely cold, followed by extremely hot (Hundering Turd follows up a 3 game losing streak to start the season with a 3 game winning streak. Or you have Gumpsters, Fatties, Pep & Cheezes, Wombats & Bandits who are all on 1 game winning or losing streaks.

"Pride goes before destruction" - Proverbs 16:18. Put another way by none other than Rockies manager Clint Hurdle: "There are two kinds of people in this game, those who have been humbled and those who are about to be." On the prideful side, you have the Mavs ripping off their fourth straight win. On the humbling side, they are 13th in the league in points scored, winning this week 55-49. As Steve Martin once said, "What's the key to a joke timing."

"I have let you see it, but you will not cross over there" - Deuteronomy 34:3-4. For the Killer Ds, who wandered like Moses in the desert for 40 years, then unexpectedly tied for high points for the week and finally started showing the way to the Promised Land, only to have it fall apart on Tony Romo's pinkie finger. I know, "so sad, too bad." But the pain! One game out of a playoff spot and I fear that's as close as the Ds will get.

"And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead; and the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell upon his face to the earth." 1 Samuel 17:49 - And thus was the last undefeated team put to the ground, much like the mighty G-men last night, slain by the upstart Believelanders. Parenthetically, this is one of my favorite parts of "Hoosiers" as well. The quote breaks down a little in this case because Semi-R is still the only team with better than a 4-2 record and has a 2-game lead on the entire rest of the Canes Division. But with Westbrook and now Fragile Fred down with injuries, and Isaac "the reverend" Bruce and Ocho Stinko at WR, I still say they've over-performed the first 6 weeks.

...And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu... [At this point, the friar is urged by Brother Maynard to "skip a bit, brother"]... Book of Armaments 2:9-21

And so it shall come to pass that the Mighty E-Head, Red Bandits, BYOB, Semi-R, Gumpsters and Doormats shall smite their enemies and therefore they shall maketh the Enchilda Bowl and there shall be much rejoicing. And for the rest, there shall be much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Because really, what else can one gnash? Or gnosh for that matter. Hmm... is it time for a smackerel of something?

Watchdog - Week Jive Alive!

In honor of our first tie of the season, we'll do a little shuckin' and jivin' with the good folks from Airplane!

Red Bandits & Wombats continue the mediocrity, running their records to 2-2-1:

Coach Rom: Shit man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know?

Coach Sharp: Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you man.

Coach Rom: I say hey sky, s'other s'ay I wan say?

Coach Sharp: UH...

Coach Rom: Pray to J I get the same ol' same ol'.

Coach Sharp: Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB'in man.

Coach Rom: Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em.

Coach Rom, Coach Sharp: Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em

Coach Rom: Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit.

For the Killer D's, at 1-4, it can only be the following exchange:

Coach Morrison: Coach Ingrey, you're a co-owner of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?

Coach Ingrey: No.

Mighty E-Head gets off the Schnied in a big way!

Coach Eickhorst: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

For Semi-R, who ran their record to 5-0, the only team in the league with better than a 3-2 record, the hard part becomes how to land this thing:

Coach King: There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

I was struggling with who to give this one to, but I think it has to be the Mavs, featuring Jonathan Stewart:

Watchdog: Would you like something to read?

Coach Lucking: Do you have anything light?

Watchdog: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"

For the defending champion Sprockets, who got high points for the week, it has to be this:

Coach Feldman: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.

Coach Fisher: When will you be back?

Coach Feldman: I can't tell you that. It's classified.

Team Brokerage's torture continues with the choice between Kitna and JTO. I suggest they go with the lasagna:

Coach Lubert: What was it we had for dinner tonight?

Coach Stier: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.

Coach Lubert: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

For Dale's Doormats, the streak continues in which they either get high score for the week or lose to an inferior team (sorry Kevin...) and as is many times the case with a top-notch athlete such as Coach Dale, it comes down to simple execution:

Coach Dale: I've got to concentrate... [his thoughts echo]

Coach Dale: concentrate... concentrate... I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... Hello?... hello... hello... Echo... echo... echo... Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon... Manny Mota... Mota... Mota...

And for the Fatties, who once again are in the top five in the league in scoring for the week and take an "L" and left 32 points on the bench win DeAngelo Williams:

Coach Flasinski: Johnny, what can you make out of this? [Hands him the weather briefing]

Coach Madden: This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...

And last but surely not least, for those teams (Semi-R and Mighty E) who STILL have not paid their dues, you will risk getting evicted from the league for next season.

Delinquint Coaches: Surely you can't be serious.

Watchdog: well, you know....

Watchdog - May the Fours Be With You

Long, long ago in a football stadium far, far away….



Fantasy Wars IV – A New Hope

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. On the waiver wire, Team Gump “won” Lance Moore with a bid of $50. Team Turd “won” LeRon McLain with a bid of $41. And Pep & Cheez won Bobby Engram with a bid of $10. So why does the one guy I’ve heard of go for the least money and why is he the only one no one else bid for?

By the way, does anyone else ever look at Carrie Fischer now and go “Hey wait? Was she supposed to be hot at one time?” No, me neither…. Speaking of people that were supposed to be hot at one time, the Killer Ds fall to 1-3, getting waxed by the Doormats. Once again, they have underestimated the power of the Dark Side, leaving Ryan Grant and his weak hamstring in and putting young Jedi Chris “Skywalker” Johnson on the bench – a 17 point swing in a 14 point game. And for the third time in four weeks the Evil Empire, er, Dale’s Doormats, crushes all opposition. So if Dale is Darth Vader, I guess I’m Carrie Fischer in this analogy? Not sure I was headed there when I started this paragraph… Parenthetically, you can purchase the following on the Star Wars official website for a mere $54.99 (not to be confused with the R2-D2 Shampoo Bottle). It’s “perfect for Halloween Parties and “Other Special Occasions”. Nudge nudge, wink wink!

I don’t know if Semi-R, now running their record to 4-0, would equate to Luke, or even Han Solo. Not with a team of Kurt Warner, who had hands down the worst 470-yard, 3-TD game in the history of the NFL, College Football and Pop Warner, Fragile Fred Taylor and three other running backs who didn’t play. No, I look at SR as more of the kind of warrior that flies under the radar screen – I’m talking about none other than Red Two, Captain Wedge Antilles. Trivia time – Wedge is the only other X-Wing fighter besides Luke to make it through all three of the original Star Wars movies. So there you go!








The Gumpsters, much like the Killer Ds, left a few points on the bench – in fact almost enough to win the game outright, had they had a bizzarro lineup in. Any one of Matt Schaub, Derrick Mason or Bucs D would have been enough to win and all three would have put them at 117 points on the week. Tough Trivia Time – I will offer $5 of the Killer D’s waiver wire money to whatever team can identify the following actor, seen here in the Empire Strikes Back:






Once you get that, you will know who the Gumpsters remind me of this week.

For the Fatties and the Turd, a 69-51 pounding inflicted by the Turd, I can only think that the following scene encapsulates the entire battle:

“I see your Schwartz is a big as mine!”

In the Canes Division, the defending Champs were looking a little old, a little ragged, running out a team that, again was outplayed by their bench. So I turn to Master Yoda, who for all his strength in the Force, utterly failed to see really any of the future from Episode One all the way through.

Nevertheless, when cornered, the little guy was not someone you’d want to mess with.

And Team Brokerage – yes, they are cunning and fierce, but ultimately doomed to be eaten by the ravenous Saarlac Beast – in this case having to start JTO or Jon Kitna for the next 9 weeks. A long, slow death to be sure…

On the other hand, we had a battle for first place in the Quakes division, with BYOB besting the Wombats. Not much to say here – 7 of the teams in the league scored between 71 and 79 and two of them played each other. Other than BYOB at 3-1 and the Mighty E-Head at 0-4, the entire division is 2-2. So to Coach Haas, mighty and strong as you are, I say you are:

(though not quite as hairy)

Coach Eickhorst:

“It’s a trap!” Well diagnosed, my friend!

And to the rest of the division, I say you are:

That’s right. I said C3PO. Angered you are? It is the dark side you feel!