Watchdog Week 2 - What's Up Doc?

Does week two have you looking for that magic formula for fantasy victory? Does your team seem to have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque? Let's see if Bugs and friends can shed any light shall we? I knew that you would.







Sprockets, do you find yourself in freefall, trying to dial up ACME for the latest in roadrunner-catching gizmos? Fear not! Help is on the way! Jason Campbell seems to like having the same offense for consecutive years for the first time in his career. MJD looks healthy. Robert Meachem (Meachem? I hardly even know 'em!), DeSean Jackson and Dez Bryant will provide fireworks at WR. There's a lot here to warrant forgetting week two's 53-point debacle, dusting yourself off and chasing that elusive roadrunner one more time!


For the Turd, it does indeed appear to be Duck Season. And while getting blasted in the annual Family War may have you talking out the other side of your head, there are again reasons for optimism. Mike Williams had a TD called back by the treacherous "illegal formation" penalty (much worse than faking injuries). Devery Henderson is making the most of Marques Colston's absense. And Tony Gonzalez continues to amaze. All in all, there were more than enough points to not only beat Natural Disaster, but put up second-high score for the week. I think the main problem is of course "pronoun trouble" (shoot me now!)



Dale's Doormats seem to have gotten the wrong end of the bull this week, getting run over by Pep & Cheese by 42 points. But as Coach Dale said after the game, "You realize of course, this means war." He already is starting to reap the benefits of the Steelers' cupcake schedule, with a 298-yard bounce-back game from Roofiesburger. Blount, Gore, Finley, Crosby and even Giants D looked fiesty this week, and we may be witnessing the birth of the next great wide receiver in AJ Green. So stop steaming up Coach Dale's tail!


Semi-P may not be feeling like themselves these days. Goodness knows they feel OK, goodness knows. And with Johnson & Johnson, as well as Jordy Nelson, they have the firepower to take down the giants of the league. Getting a goose egg from Antonio Gates while leaving Gronk's 20-point day on the bench was a killer. For two weeks in a row, they've started the wrong QB and only have one good RB. Will they take a long hard look in that mirror and realize what kind of team they have? Will they realize it's a trick question - both their QBs stink? Goodness knows.


Tim & Kumar look like a team ready to soar to great heights only to find that their engine was made by ACME. That engine, Jamaal Charles, threw a gasket this week, leaving them with only one good RB and the ever dangerous combo of Kyle Orton / Alex Smith at QB. Still, they were a Dustin Keller / Vernon Davis away from a 105-point effort this week (which still would have left them splattered at the bottom of the cliff against the Fatties).



As a rule, if you have Wile E Coyote, Super Genius as your picture, things are probably not going too well so far this year. For I in I/T, trying to take advantage of Sexy Rexy's matchup against the pathetic Panthers' pass "defense" and benching Matty Ice against the vaunted Eggles' D looked pretty smart for the first three quarters of the Sunday Night game. Now I/T is 0-2 but has actually outscored the 2-0 Wombats. Ultimately, it comes back to the same truth that Wile E knows: always go with your strength (and watch out for those ACME rockets)!

Those same Wombats have dodged bullets two weeks in a row now, having edged Semi-R by 5 last week (80-75) and snuck past I/T this week (97-94). Yes, 97 points will get you a win most weeks, but other than Korn on the Kolb outscoring Eli by 2, the Wombats had their perfect lineup starting this week. That included a 3-point effort by Arian "Hamstring" Foster and a sprained MCL by superstud TE Aaron Hernandez. Other than Kornie, their bench produced a total of 10 points.

Team Brokerage seems to be looking for that elusive Planet X, the combination that will lead them to the supply of immodium phosphate (the shaving cream atom) we all so desparately need. An alert pickup of Dexter (Devin) McCluster on waivers could pay off. Keeping Reggie Bush in as a starter seems unlikely to. However, if they just follow those planets (Planet A, Planet B, Planet C and so on) and play Ryan Matthews, there's a pretty good chance of them claiming the Enchilada Bowl in the name of Canada!

Where's the kaboom? Team Gump may have left their kaboom on the bench, in the person of the Future Vacator. FV's second consecutive 400+ yard passing game gives him one more than Tom Brady had in his first 10 years as a starter. Has Drew Brees become an afterthought? An Illudium Space Modulator that fizzled out? Would Forrest dare trade one of their stud QBs to one of the above teams who so obviously need one? If they do, run for the hills folks, or you'll be up to your armpits in Martians!

If you have never seen "What's Opera Doc?" you owe it to yourself to follow this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQlmXU1zqfc wherein Chuck Jones & Co distill all 18 hours of Wagner's Ring of Nebilungen down to 6 minutes and 47 seconds. Does Matthew Stafford have the spear and magic helmet? Should all us wabbits be running for cover? Consider this: Dunder Mifflin left over 30 points on the bench this week, got only 5 from Chris Johnson and still put up 93 thanks in large part to Carolina and FV re-discovering Steve Smith can still play a little bit.

Did Natural Disaster find the loot? With 6 of the top 20 running backs in the league through two weeks, a top 10 QB and four top 25 WRs they may be screaming "I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm comfortably well off! I'm socially secure!" Keep in mind however, how these things always work out for Daffy. To wit: both ND's team QBs have the same bye week; three of their four WRs have the same bye week; and they are carrying only one Kicker and one D. As Daffy said, "Curse shmurse, as long as I'm rich."

The Red Bandits got out their trusty quarter staff (actually it's a buck and a quarter quarter staff, but I'm not supposed to tell you that) and put a spin move on Team Gump this week. They had to be a little trippy when Romo got KO-ed, and perhaps even moreso when he came back, if that makes any sense. But if you've ever had Romo as your QB, you know what I mean. Getting 67 from the Romo/Austin combo is going to help win a few games. Unfortunately, the Errol Flynn of Duckdom saw Austin go down, perhaps through week 5, a return to earth for "Studebaker" Williams and a team-wide "J for Effort" by the Ravens' D against the vaunted Matt Hasselbeck passing attack. So say hello to Friar Duck.

The Fatties followed up their week one 103-point effort with a 113, firing their disintegrating pistol at Tim & Kumar and leaving only T&K's disintegrating-proof vest. Have the Patriots launched their own Ultimate Weapon in Tom Brady? 940 yards and 7 TDs in the first two games puts him on a pace for 7520 yards and 56 passing TDs, both of which, I believe would be NFL records. And before you can say "There's no way Brady can keep this up", keep in mind he's already had a 4800-yard, 50-TD season.

Which brings us to the mighty Pep & Cheese. I said last week that any time Larry Fitzgerald is last on your team in points, you're doing OK. Well this week, they had five different starters put up at least 18 points. Throw in 12 from Mmmbop Hanson, two 10-point RBs on the bench and a guy named Peyton waiting to get healthy and it looks like our assault on the Pep & Cheese castle may run into a little problem.

Watchdog week 1 - Hope is a good thing

So it's week one and already half the teams in the league are in deep despair. Not only did your team lose, but the Watchdog season preview blasted your every draft pick. Here now, courtesy of Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, is reason to hope. And remember, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of all things.

I didn't think much of Dale's Doormats the first time I laid eyes on them. Looked like a stiff breeze would blow them over. But dig a little deeper - they got 335 yards passing and 2 TDs from the Sanchize, Blount was under-used by a Bucs' team that was behind early against a surprisingly tough Lions D. Boldin looked very good and the Ravens have exaclty three tough games left this year. Harvin will score even when the Vikings' O is struggling. Finley is a beast, probably the top tight end this year. The Packers eventually will have to settle for a field goal. And the Giants' D? Umm, eventually they'll get healthy right? Right????

For the Turd, it's time to get busy playing fantasy football or get busy preparing for the 2012 fantasy baseball season. You start with Aaron Rodgers, you're going to win a lot of QB matchups, just not necessarily against Drew Brees (or Tom Brady). Greene and Green-Ellis looked solid if unspectacular. White, the good Mike Williams and even Plaxico "Shawshank" Burress showed their stuff even in losing efforts for their NFL teams. If Owen Daniels was underutilized in a blowout by the Texans, Tony Gonzalez showed reports of his demise are premature. And if the Giants' kickers may not get too many points this year, Josh Brown and St. Louis look solid. Work the waiver wire and take advantage of having Rodgers at $16. And get busy trading. That's goddamn right.

Salvation lies within, Semi-P. Is Jay Cutler the guy to lead you to the Promised Land? With Johnson & Johnson, Antonio Gates, Folk and a sturdy Texans D under ace coordinator Wade Phillips, Semi-P had enough within their own team not only to win this matchup, but would have beaten all but three other teams in the league. Watch ye therefore, for ye know not when the master of the house cometh.

Sometimes you get approved for parole when you may not exactly deserve it, as the Wombats were reminded this week. Their 80-point effort was the lowest winning total of the week. And while they wait for Arian Foster to get healthy, now they can add Marques Colston to the IR. Peter King at SI.com told the story of Colston's injury: he broke his collarbone making a catch with about 30 seconds to go, but he knew if he lay down for an injury time-out, they'd have to run 10 seconds off the clock, which the Saints could not afford. And he couldn't get off the field until they could spike the ball. So he got up and lined up for two more plays with a broken collar bone until Brees could spike the ball. It's that kind of play that can inspire a team to great heights.

Why so many points on the bench team Brokerage? Were you being obtuse? Was it deliberate? As it turns out, most of their bench points were scored by their two back-up QBs. And while Vick wasn't the high scorer among them this week, that doesn't figure to happen too often. The good news for Brokerage is they got solid efforts from every spot on the team except James Jones, Vinatieri and Pitt D and with the Steelers' schedule that doesn't figure to repeat.

If I in I/T had their best line-up in, it would have been "Mr. Fantasy Winner, if you please." Good Rex showed up at QB, Greg Olsen looks great with the Future Vacator throwing to him and 49ers D has 5 more games remaining against fellow-NFC West teams. Add in 63 points from Bradshaw, Felix, Britt and Andre, and this is a team that is building something.

"Alexandre Dumbass?" "Dumas. It's about a prison-break." "Maybe we should file that under 'educational'?" Speaking of prison-breaks, Dez Bryant looked like he was being chased by his parole officer for the whole first quarter against the Jets. Not sure if his knee or Revis Island was responsible for the zero put up the rest of the way, but seeing as the Cowboys don't face the Jets again, if he can stay healthy, look out. Ricky Williams showed he still has it, as did MJD. If Freeman continues to grow from last year, the Sprockets will be breaking out soon.

Did he up and vanish like a fart in the wind? That's what Tim & Kumar are asking about Vincent Jackson. Broncos QB threw for 300 yards again, Charles and Forte each scored, and Janikowski was good from 63 yards out. Unfortunately for T&K, our league gives nothing extra for tying NFL records. Even if we did, it likely wouldn't be 16 points extra. Nevertheless, Emanuel Sanders and Dustin Keller would have put T&K within spittin' distance this week and figure to give them a tough lineup week in and week out.

Looks like Team Gump passed their first test. They got nothing from Bowe, but everyone else showed up, Brees in spades. Turner, Pierre Thomas, Akers and Jets D, I think Team Gump may be ready to take up another line of work - instead of playing for the Toilet Bowl, they're gunning for the Whole Enchilada.

This is where Dunder Mifflin does that shit with Wes Welker. Really, a 99 1/2 yard TD? They got a total of 5 points from Chris Johnson, Daniel Thomas and Kevin Walter and still topped 100 for the week. Before you say "Stafford won't throw for 300 yards and 3 TDs again," keep in mind they left Steve Smith's 178 yards and 2 TDs on the bench. So yes, this is a team that could have people's jaws dropping.

I keep thinking of the Family Guy's version of Shawshank. "Two things never happend after that: Boggs never walked again and Peter's farts never made a sound again." It's early yet, but ND had good weeks out of 6 of their seven running backs, got enough from two of their four receivers and Neil Rackers to put up 100 points in week one. So to the rest of the league, watch your backs. And don't bend over for the soap.

For Pep & Cheez, it may not be time to celebrate with a cold one on the roof yet, but when Larry Fitzgerald scores the lowest points for your team, chances are you've put up a pretty good score. And while the Texans' QB put up only 14, they didn't have to do any more to beat the Colts or I/T.

And when you put up 103 points to lead the league in week one, people are going to stop and take notice. The Red Bandits and Fatties each did that this week. The Bandits were led by the Ravens' 7 turnovers created, Tony Romo's 342 yards and 2 TD, Greg Jennings and Beanie Wells. They alertly picked up Cadillac Williams, who looked much more like he'd received a federal bailout than a Cash for Clunker candidate against the Eagles. Steven Jackson put up 11 points in two plays, then limped off the field. And while Zach Miller and the Seahawks O will likely stink, Jermaine Gresham had 58 and a TD.

I hope the Fatties don't start Muchostinko again. I hope they get more than 2 points from their kicker. I hope Chad Henne has some more Michigan Magic in him. Ingram will have better days and Benson will replicate that 120-yard, 1 score effort again. Mostly I hope Brady doesn't throw for 517 yards and 4 TDs again. That's just not fair. The Fatties hope that this is the year they win the Whole Enchilada. They hope. They hope...

Watchdog - the lockout is over!

Yes, we can all thank God the lockout is over! Time to get down to the serious business of having some fantasy football fun. And more to the point, we can put our contingency plans under "break glass only in case of lockout" again for the next 10 years. Some of use, perhaps even many of us won't be so grateful for as long as others, so with little ado, rather than waste all these good time-wasters, consider these alternate activities as your season tanks (just a little helpful reminder from your friendly neighborhood Watchdog)!

Sprockets - learn to play dead. First, it freaks out your friends, family and co-workers. Second, your team may already be doing it to you. Josh Freeman is probably the best player on this roster, and while he seems like an up-and-coming QB, much has been written about how lucky the Bucs were last year, and how they failed to win a game against .500+ teams. Jones-Drew had off-season knee surgery and his team is starting Luke McCown at QB on purpose. Really Kevin, it doesn't make sense for a fantasy team to start the season by playing for next year. DeAngelo Williams was good five years ago, but I have it on reliable source that this guy was his off-season training coach.

Or if you're Pep & Cheez, you might consider bicycling. Or petty crimes. If things work out well, Schaub should be hitting the IR at just about the time Manning comes off it. However, if the wheels fall off, it'll be Larry Fitzgerald, a bunch of back-up RBs and guys off the waiver wire to take the place of the injured Jahvid Best, Jonathan Stewart and Lance Moore. My guess is they'll get enough out of Schaub, McCoy, Fitzy and Graham to make a run at the Enchilada Playoffs.

Red Bandits - start your own Pet Skunk Farm. Not quite as lucrative as a puppy farm, but you need that certain je ne sais quois? This lady has it in spades! OK, Romo might bounce back and Steven Jackson is passable as a franchise RB, but Cincy QB? Beanie Wells? Joseph Addai? Julio Jones? I liked Pierre Garcon and Zach Miller when they both had decent QBs throwing to them. Not so much this year. Cadillac Williams? Sorry, but Cash For Clunkers does not apply to Fantasy Football players.

Natural Disaster - consider collecting spoons. I thought of putting a picture of Alanis Morrisette here because I have to think at some point this season, Disaster (and this guy) might have need of a knife. Seven RBs? At least one of them figures to be semi-decent (Rutgers Ray Rice), but can anyone tell the other six apart with a program? And what about those WRs? Was there a sale on pet rocks as well? Geez those guys are old! And when you draft only one D, try to make sure it's not the one that gets lit up for 42 points in the season opener. Where has Doug Morrison gone?

For Dale's Doormats, it's only natural they should take up collecting Ecstasy Pills seeing as they're starting Ben Roofiesburger at QB. Consider it an investment into his future suspension. The Doormats are a team loaded for bear with their regular starting lineup. Enough that they may want to celebrate with a few of Ben's closest female friends (those he's allowed within 100 yards of). Watch for this team in December!

For Team Brokerage the suggested hobby would be grooming dogs to look like more fearsome animals. And NOT because then Vick could revert to his older hobby without undue scrutiny - no, no, no! It's only because a team featuring Vick, Ryan Matthews, Reggie the Vacator Bush, LaDanian Tomlinson, Reggie Wayne, Santana Moss and Kellen Winslow SEEMS like they should be pretty scary. But when you look closer? Vick, as we all know, has a career passer rating of 80.2, and has only ever stayed healthy for 16 games once in his career, not counting his time in the California Penal League. Which is one more than Ryan Matthews. Wayne was a great WR with that Manning fellow throwing to him. Now? I think he'd even prefer Eli to Kerry Collins. (I think.) Kellen Winslow is a Hall of Famer, we know that. But that's not the right Kellen Winslow. This one is only in the Hall of Fame for A-holes. (Actually a pretty cool attraction - it's in the Bronx, appropriately enough. They have a nice feature on Steinbrenner in there.)

Tim & Kumar can always consider knitting - but not just knitting any old thing, take a page from these old ladies (appropriately enough) and knit some fake breasts. When your team already features Alex Smith, Delone Carter, Lee Evans, Dustin Keller and Emanuelle Sanders, plus Michael "He Gave Me" Crabstree, one does tend to question one's toughness. Last time I checked toughness was a good thing in football. Yes, I'm almost certain that was the case before all these sissy martian helmets and don't touch the QB rules. Now? Who knows? Maybe if Brady Quinn can get these girls to stop giggling and jiggling, they could end up in the Enchilada playoffs? Nah...

For those of us who are more a glutton for punishment, like the Hundering Turd, consider golf. Appropriate for Team "Going for the Green Turd". With the Browns QB, Green Bay QB, Shawn Greene, Green-Ellis, Roddy White and kicker Josh Brown, the Turd is a veritable rainbow of the colors of intestinal disease. Seriously though, the way Rodgers looked last night, it seems the rest of us will be saying "rat fart!" like Phil here for ever letting GB QB go for just $16 in last year's auction. At least we know that will never happen again...

...until Brady gets auctioned this year. When I saw this, I thought immediately of the Fatties. I think they might consider becoming a Duct Tape Artist. Between McFadden, Ingram and Mike Bush, your guys missed 17 games in the last two seasons. Throw in Brady's 15.9 games missed two years ago, and be assured that, should you become an expert on Duct Tape Art soon enough, you might be able to keep your team from falling apart. My prediction is that the Duct Tape works and the Fatties ride Brady and a deep lineup to a 9-4 season and a spot in the Enchilada Bowl.

I think the Wombats may want to take a page from this gentleman and try to appear in the background on random newscasts. It may be the only way anyone from the Wombats is seen on TV this season. Arian Foster's hamstring has checked out, as has the best blocking fullback in the NFL. Marshawn Lynch is playing under an assumed name somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. Kevin Korn on the Kolb was exiled to the desert somewhere, and Easy E is only half a dozen pick-sixes away from earning a one-way trip to Cleveland, where he'd be held hostage with Payton Hillis. (Sorry to make the picture so big, but you need to be able to see the fat guy in the back to ge tthe full affect.)

For Semi-P, it seemed appropriate to suggest trying to turn bits of junk into nifty crafts, then maybe having your fairy-godmother come by and cast a spell on it and see if you can get some mice to pull you to the Enchilada Bowl, because any team featuring Jay Cutler, Rita Moreno, two back-up backs, the "no more tears" Johnson & Johnson WR combo and Antonio "left my ankle in San Diego" Gates is gonna need a miracle just to get to .500, to say anything of escaping the Toilet Bowl. Well, if Bradford takes a step forward under Josh McDaniel and Jordy Nelson somehow separates himself from the 17 other targets Aaron Rodgers has, and Gronk edges out Aaron Hernandez, who knows? Maybe fairy tales do come true!

For There's an I in I/T (or isn't there one? This seems like an awfully simple question for the Watchdog to continue to get wrong), the best hobby I can recommend is to take a page from Roofiesburger and do like Tony Soprano said to Kenny Britt - come on by my place and sleep with the fishes! This is a team that will rely on some small backs and some big receivers - Ahmad Bradshaw and Felix Jones are the biggest backs on the team, both listed at 5'10". However, if Darren Sproles does anywhere near what he did last night over the rest of the season and Matty Ice Ice Ryan throws as much as he did in the presason, it's Coach Eickhorst who'll be fitting us all for cement shoes.

As Coach Piccione knows, sending in a pinch-hitter to a draft can be dicey, and while I don't think he'd complain about coming away with Chris Johnson, Wes Welker, Jeremy Maclin and Matthew Stafford, he may want to think about whatever hobby these two gentlemen (Lleyton Hewitt and Tim Henman) were participating in. Witness: Stafford, in 13 starts over two seasons has a career passer rating of 67.1; Dan Thomas is fighting 106-year old Larry Johnson for carries for the Miami Dolphins; Welker, after three straight seasons with 100+ receptions, fell to just 86 in 11 starts last year - his career high in TDs is 8 - and this league gives no credit to receptions; Steve Smith (CAR) may be the most talented WR in the NFL, but he'll be lucky to get 60 catches this year with Cam "the Future Vacator" Newton at QB; and while Chris Cooley tied a career high with 849 yards last year, it's been 4 years since he's scored more than three times in a season.

For Team Gump, the fall always brings a harvest of great fruit. I recommend picking apples or some other kind of fruit you might find at a football game. This team found some low-hanging fruit though, with Drew Brees, Michael Turner, Pierre Thomas, Dwayne Bowe and Jets D. They're a little thin at RB, with 86-year old Thomas Jones as their sole back-up and several semi-retired guys in Donavon McNabb, Derrick Mason, Hines Ward adn Jeremy Shockey.