Watchdog - FEAR THE GUMP!

Forrest Gump: I WON WATCHDOG!
Watchdog: GUUUUUUMP! Why did you put that team together so well, Gump?
Forrest Gump: Because you told me to, Watchdog?
Watchdog: Outstanding, Gump!
Yes it's true! Team Gump is your 2011 PCFFL Champion! Congratulations to Coach Fred and all the Holborn guys! How did they do it? Big picture, it's simply Drew Brees being better than (nearly) anyone else. Drilling down, they made what seemed a solid, aggressive trade for a top RB, picking up Matt Forte, only to watch him go down with a season ending knee just 4 weeks after picking him up. Fortunately, Pierre Thomas picked up the slack, scoring 30 points in the last three weeks. They got enough from Michael Turner to make it work. Turner finished 7th in RB scoring (though nearly 100 behind LeSean McCoy). David Akers was a remarkably consistent kicker, totalling 156 points (10.4 ppg) and never putting up less than 6. Dwayne Bowe was their top WR with 128 points on the season, nearly 100 points fewer than Calvin Johnson. They did not have another WR in the top 40. They never got anything consistently from their TE (Anthony Fasano was their best at #21 ranked for the year), but did have two of the top 10 defenses in the Jets and Bills. Having Cam Newton certainly didn't hurt, but he rarely played ahead of NFL MVP candidate Brees. I imagine he'll play for the Gumpsters next season though!



Bubba Blue: Have you ever been on a real shrimp boat?
Forrest Gump: No, but I've been on a real big boat.
So how did the finals go? The Wombats were looming "real big" through the Sunday Night game, with a 22-point lead, going against Brees and Thomas, but with Colston to help offset Brees. The X-factor though was the chase for Marino's record. From the beginning, it was clear the Saints were going to make sure Brees got the 305 yards he needed, putting up 208 yards and three TDs in the first half. Pouring salt on the wound, with the game well in hand under 5 minutes to go in the 4th quarter, Brees picked up the final 32 yards and one more TD, making a 3-point game into the 11-point final margin of victory.

Bubba: My given name is Benjamin Buford Blue, but people call me Bubba. Just like one of them ol' redneck boys. Can you believe that?
Forrest Gump: My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump.

Yes, the Wombats had enough points on their bench in Arizona QB and Nate Burleson to force a tie, but Team Gump also left 19 on the bench with the Bills D. How was the Wombats' season? They had the #7 QB in Eli, though he was 118 behind Brees and 155 behind Rodgers. They had two of the top 5 RBs in Foster and Lynch, which is even better than it looks as Foster had a total of 3 points in the first three weeks and led the league in points per game among RBs, while Lynch finished just as strong, putting up the same average score (18.8 ppg) over the last 8 weeks, including ending the 49ers' streak of games without allowing a rushing TD in week 16. Maques Colston finished 16th in WR scoring despite missing three weeks with a shoulder. Antonio Brown was 25th and they alertly picked up Heyward-Bey, who finished 34th despite putting up no points in four games due to injuries (his own and his quarterback's). They had the 5th-ranked TE in Aaron Hernandez wtih 108 points on the season (a mere 103 points behind GRONK!). They had the #2 kicker in the league in John Kasay. And they had the #7 team D in Green Bay, which is odd because they're the #32-ranked NFL D in terms of yards allowed.

My momma always said, "Fantasy Football is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

Well, the battle for the Constipation Bowl ended rather anti-climatically, with the Red Bandits putting up a pedestrian 87 while Natural Disaster struggled to break 60. The Bandits got at least 7 from each starter, but no more than 18 from anyone. They endured a boo-boo to Tony Romo as his annual December collapse loomed large again (though I probably shouldn't say that until AFTER this week's game against the G-men). Romo was the #6 QB on the season (16 points better than Eli). They had the #13 and 15 best RBs on the season in Steven Jackon and Beanie Wells. They had three WRs average 10 ppg or more in Jennings, Austin and Julio Jones. Jermaine Gresham was a valuable find at TE, the 11th best ppg at that position. Gostkowski was the #4 ranked kicker and the Ravens' D was third-best in the league with 151 points.

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?
Forrest Gump: I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.
For Natural Disaster, no one was more disappointing than Phil Rivers, especially down the stretch when he was benched for the week 15 matchup and should have been benched for the week 16 game in favor of Christian Ponder. As bad as that was, Fred "Pineapple Express" Davis was worse - the 6th rated TE in points per game got busted for repeatedly putting up the "Randy Moss Memorial J for Effort" and missed the last four games of the fantasy season. It would have been more palatable if he had just injured his groin the way Fred Jackson did. And despite ND's reputed depth at RB, they were left scrambling after Jackson went down. Kevin Smith seemed to offer a ray of hope, but the perpetually injured back was only healthy when ND had him on the bench, putting up 45 in those two games vs the 22 in the three games ND started him. ND finished with three of the top 20 WRs and four of the top 30, but other than a suddenly-hot Roddy White, no one consistently put up points. Davis' dopey-ness wouldn't have been so bad if Jake Ballard hadn't gotten hurt just in time for the playoffs. ND had Dan Bailey, the #3 kicker in the league, but never got consistent points from their D (thanks Broncos!).

Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it.

In what has to be the highest-scoring Toilet Bowl ever, the Fatties edged out Semi-Precious 109-103 despite being Shanahaned with Roy "You say goodbye and I say" Helu waiving goodbye from the sidelines. The Fatties rode Tom Brady in the Toilet Bowl finale and all season, despite his mid-season "struggles". Brady put up 427 which sounds impressive, but was over 4 points per game worse than Rodgers. The Fatties' best RB was Michael Bush, who put up 14.3 ppg after McFadden went down for the season. Between the two, they had the 6th-best RB in the league with 231 points. Jonathan Stewart was useful as a #2 RB, making up for Heisman winner wash-out Mark Ingram's 77 points. Brandon Marshall was surprisingly good (#11) considering he had no discernable talent on offense around him. The Fatties could have done better (read - "anything") to replace Jeremy Maclin when he got hurt. Damian Williams? Please. There were many WRs available on waivers over the last half of the season. Brandon Pettigrew finished 12th in points among TEs, four points behind Fred "One Toke Over the Line". Matt Bryant finished 9th among Ks with 117, three points per game behind Akers. And Bengals D finished 11th. Put it all together and the biggest difference between the Fatties and Gumpsters was the kicker.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Semi-P just came up short in the Toilet Bowl, despite having to rely on Rex Grossman (20th-best QB) when Cutler got hurt, but before you start getting all tuned up, Cutler was 16th-best points per game. Rashard Mendenhall was the 18th-best RB. They had no one else in the top 40 at RB. The strength of Semi-P was at WR, with Calvin Johnson (#1 overall), Jordy Nelson (#4) and Stevie Johnson (#21), and at TE with GRONK (#1 overall) and Antonio Gates (#5 TE in points per game). SP severely lacked in Kicking, with Nick Folk placing 23rd behind 7 free agents (not counting injured guys). Of those 7, five would have given them enough points in the Toilet Bowl to win the title. SP? That's your boat...

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Where are you boys from in the world?
Forrest Gump, Bubba: Alabama, sir!
Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: You twins?
Forrest Gump: No, we are not relations Sir.

Among the teams to be sitting at home week 16, Pep & Cheez and I in I/T had the best seasons. Pep & Cheez's Enchilada chances were flushed when Schaub and then Leinart got hurt for Houston and Campbell for the Raiders, leaving them with TJ Yates and the artist formerly known as Carson Palmer. Shaub's 19.5 ppg was at least "passable" if you'll pardon the expression, particularly if you have LeSean McCoy, as P&C did. Jahvid Best's injury was a killer as he was 10th in points per game on the season at 13.3. Interestingly, his eventual replacement, Kevin Smith was 11th at 13.2. Larry Fitzgerald and Mike Wallace were 5th and 8th in WR scoring while Jimmy Graham was 2nd among TEs. Jason "Mmm-bop" Hanson was 8th among kickers. Hanson remains the only kicker in the NFL to have kicked for Washington at Valley Forge. And the Eagles' D finished 4th in the league despite being wildly inconsistent (5 times they had 5 or fewer, 5 times they had 13 or more). So Pep & Cheez's season came down to having to rely on the brittle Matt Schaub, not having a proper back-up and being unable/unwilling to make a trade. Seems like Matty Ryan (22.5 ppg) or Tim Tebow (21.3 ppg) wouldn't have cost much. Palmer averaged 18.0 ppg over his last 7 starts while Yates averaged 13.

And last but not least, let's check in on Bubba Blue, AKA I/T. Trading for Rodgers would have, most years, gotten them into the Enchilada Bowl. But as previously mentioned, losing to the Sprockets in week 12 (with just 51 points, 24 by Rodgers) was the killing joke. At RB, Shonn Greene and Ahmad Bradshaw were useful when healthy, though only finished 19th and 22nd in total points among RBs. Their man-crush on Andre Johnson certainly didn't help. Nate Washington and Torrey Smith were their best WRs, finishing 17th and 23rd in WR points. Andre finished 71st among WRs, just behind someone named Parker Preston. On a more positive note, Vernon Davis was 8th among TEs and they had the 6th and 7th ranked Kickers in Rackrs and Nugent as well as the #1 and #2 ranked fantasy defenses in Detroit and San Francisco. Strangely, if Coach Eickhorst had simply alternated playing SF on the odd-numbered weeks and Detroit on the even-numbered weeks, the two would have combined to put up 226 points, or 66 more than Detroit by themselves. Oh-by-the-way, I/T would have had high points in week 16, except they had already been eliminated. Sorry.... Sorry.

And now, really last and really least, did you notice how many of the top teams had top 10 kickers? Dale's Doormats was the only exception to the rule, with Mason Crosby at the #5 Kicker. They had "good enough" at QB with Jets and Steelers. Gore was solid at RB and AJ Green a very good rookie WR. Finley was fine at TE, though had almost 25% of his points in one game. And Giants D was better than I expected. Not sure exactly how this team ended up 4-10. You could blame it on a poor fantasy Defense - 1252 points scored against them, averaging out to 89.4 points per game against. The Turd was second in that category at 87.5 ppg against.

Well, that about wraps it up for another fine fantasy football season. Thanks everyone for playing! Hope to see you all back out again next season! Stay tuned for the season-ending awards...

Watchdog - Buddy the Elf

Leon the Snowman: Why the long face, Watchdog?
Watchdog: It seems I'm not a good Fantasy Coach.
Leon the Snowman: Of course you're not good Fantasy Coach. Your team is 22-34 over the last four seasons. That don't happen by accident! Let's take a look together and see how you blew it this year, shall we? But first, a look at the Gump-Bandits matchup.

SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!
GUMP! How do they do it, year in and year out? Two words come to mind: Quarterback. For the 4th time in 5 years, Gump drafted either Drew Brees or Peyton Manning putting up a cumulative record of 81-64 since 2002. Brees has averaged just over 30 per game this season, and has scored less than 21 only once. This week, Brees was going against the same Minnesota D that allowed Tim Tebow to put up 35 points and that is a recipe for disaster (not the Natural kind, we'll get to them). 412 yards and 5 TDs later...

Santa: That's another thing... Buddy you should know that your father... he's on the naughty list.Buddy: Nooooo!
Interestingly or not, the game between Gump and the Bandits came down to two things: QBs and defense. As good as Brees was, Romo had 33 himself and is on a pace for 4400 yards and 33 TDs on the season. If I had you guess which QB has the second-highest QB rating of all time, in 100 guesses, how many of you would say "Tony Romo" (if this part of the blog wasn't all about TR)? Back to the game. The RBs were an identical 26-26. The Bandits won the Receiver battle 25-6, including tight ends 27-14. But that by itself would not have given Gump the win without the Jets' D somehow getting 11 points in their debacle loss to the Eagles. In a similarly choked game, the vaunted Ravens' D came up with exactly zero. In 9 of their previous 13 games, the Ravens' D would have been able to manage a tie or better for the Bandits. And that is why Ray Lewis is back on the 'naughty list' for this year.

You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.
The other semi-final game featured a series of very interesting matchups. First, the Wombats had "Can't Spell Elite without Eli" while Natural Disaster had Hakeem Nicks and Jake Ballard, going up against a Redskins defense that had been decimated by injuries. When that matchup ended 10-8 in favor of the Wombats, ND had to call that a huge win. Then, you had Aaron Hernandez for the Wombats with ND inexplicably starting Denver D against the Pats. Hernandez had averaged 5.9 points per game since the bye week with no TDs in the previous 5 games. Meanwhile, Gronkowski had averaged 18.9 over the same period with 10 TDs in 7 games. So the Broncos take Gronk out of the game plan (5 fantasy points) but Hernandez puts up 19.


I am a cotton-headed ninnymoggins!
The big question is why ND started Denver D? Why would anyone purposefully start a defense against the Patriots? We may never know. The other two options were Miami D against Buffalo (9 points) or Atlanta D against Jacksonville (22 points). Looking back, Washington had 12 against the Giants and Indy had 16 points against Tennessee, but it's hard to suggest picking either of those based on how the teams went into the bye week. Miami had just fired its coach and was going to be playing out the string in a snowstorm in Buffalo. And Atlanta had come off a string where their D averaged 3.9 points in the previous 5 games, and just 4.5 points per game against any team not named the Colts since week one. And all that is fine to say there wasn't much of an option, but it does not explain how they ended up on Denver D. And perhaps I wouldn't spend so much time on the question except Green Bay D scored a big fat goose egg for the Wombats against the reeling Chefs.

Does someone need a hug?
So with the defenses essentially equaling out, how did the Wombats win? They got a 37-14 point edge in Running Backs, which had been the strength of Disaster all season. Ray Rice came up with 9 points fewer than his season average. With Fred Jackson out, Fred Tolbert going agasint the (apparently) awesome Ravens' D and Adrian Peterson in, making Gerhart a less desirable choice, ND had to hope the Lions wouldn't put Kevin Smith back in unless he was healthy. They did but he wasn't. For the Wombats, Foster had a Brees-y matchup against the porous Panthers' running D, but Lynch against the Bears seemed a tough matchup. And indeed, with 42 yards on 20 carries, Lynch did struggle. But the two touchdowns... the first was after a Seahawks' field goal was taken off the board by a "Leverage" penalty, with Lynch scoring from the 2 on the next play. The second was set up when Obomanu got pushed out at the 3 after a 43 yard gain, even though he stretched to knock the pylon over as he went out of bounds. So to say Lynch was fortunate may be a bit kind. To say Natural Disaster is a little bitter may be a bit of an understatement.

We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
So we had one close, low-scoring, ugly game filled with strange breaks, strange (awful) coaching decisions with the Wombats "winning ugly" and one high-scoring epic battle that was tied going into Monday Night, delayed by blackout and ultimately eeked out by the Gumpsters. Will Team Gump finally take home the Whole Enchilada? The league website has installed the Wombats as 19-point favorites. Leon the Snowman is suggesting sticking with the four basic components of fantasy winning teams: top QBs and top RBs. Oh, and top QBs.

You sit on a throne of lies.

What about the Constipation Bowl (3rd place)? Will the Red Bandits add Constipation Winners to their list of Enchilada and Toilet Bowl Champions in just their third season in the league? Disaster has been installed as 5-point favorites.

Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!
And in the Toilet Bowl, it's Semi-P and the Fatties, with the league site showing a 95-95 tie. Semi-P out-uglied the Hundering Turd, who left 25 points on the bench in CJ Spiller, 7 more with Heath Miller and 8 more with San Diego D as a lost season went down the... ah, went down the... went down in flames! Yes, that was what I was looking for. In the other Toilet Semi-final, the Fatties edged I in I/R by 7, with Brady out-playing Rodgers by 6. Vernon Davis made a game of it last night with 13, but needed one more TD. I/R had 88 points from their bench, including the inactive Andre Johnson... Well-coached indeed! The kind of performance to make the Ditka Cup presenters sit up and take notice! Francisco; that's fun to say... Francisco... Frannnncisco... Francisco... For I in I/R, 49ers D going against the one-legged Roofiesberger, a sack-machine with two good legs, the extra 17 points could have come in handy... Just sayin'...

Watchdog - The Bridge of Death

If you would make the Enchilada Game, you must prove you have the brains. First answer these questions three, ere the other side you see.

(Up steps Coach Piccione) I'm not afraid, Watchdog. What are the questions?
Watchdog: What is your team's name?
Coach Piccione: Dunder Mifflin.
Watchdog: What is your quest?
Coach Piccione: To seek the Enchilada.
Watchdog: What is the matter with Chris Johnson?
Coach Piccione: What? I don't know that!
(Coach Piccione goes flying into the abyss, done in by CJ2K, who had 19 or more in three of his last 4 coming into the game, but managed 6 or less for the sixth time this season)

(Up steps Coach Marcin) I'm not afraid, Watchdog. What are the questions?
Watchdog: What is your team's name?
Coach Marcin: The Enchilada and Toilet Bowl Champion Red Bandits!
Watchdog: What is your quest?
Coach Marcin: To seek the Enchilada.
Watchdog: What are your favorite colors?
Coach Marcin: Cowboys colors! Tony Romo rules!!!
Watchdog: You may pass onto the semi-finals. But beware of injuries to your best receivers (Greg Jennings) and the inconsistencies of anyone named "Beanie" (4 points or less for the 5th time this year).

(Up steps Coach Yeager) That was easy! I'm not afraid Watchdog! Do your worst! What are the questions?
Watchdog: What is your team's name?
Coach Yeager: Pepperoni and Cheese. Come on, come on, we're the highest scoring team in the league this year, we're not going to be slowed down by any Bridge of Death.
Watchdog: What is your quest?
Coach Yeager: To seek the Enchilada. Come on, Watchdog.
Watchdog: What was the last time Carson Palmer was a relevant fantasy football quarterback?
Coach Yeager: Wait, I don't know that! AAAAAARRRGGHHH! (Coach Yeager goes flying into the abyss, done in by picking the 38th ranked quarterback in the NFL this season. Had Pep & Cheez not been tempted by the 31st ranked passing D of the Packers and had gone instead with unheralded, unheard of TJ Yates, they might have passed this test.)

(Up steps Coach Sharp, tentatively) I - I'm not afraid Watchdog. Wh-what are questions?
Watchdog: What is your team's name?
Coach Sharp: Wallawallawalla Wombats.
Watchdog: What is your quest?
Coach Sharp: To seek the Enchilada.
Watchdog: What is your team's best receiver?
Coach Sharp: Colston - no Burleson!
Watchdog: You may pass. Better get that right next time! (Coach Sharp, nearly doing his team in by the last second replacement of Marques Colston in the starting lineup, still needed high points for the week, a last-minute TD by Marshawn Lynch providing the winning margin.)

NONE SHALL PASS - if your problem is you cannot pass (in more ways than one), perhaps you belong in the Toilet Bowl. But first you must get by the dreaded Black Knight.

Sprockets: "The Black Knight always triumphs!" And indeed Maurice Jones-Drew set the Jaguars record for career touchdowns this week, passing Fragile Fred Taylor, who had 70 in 140 games with four TDs, giving him 73 in 90 games. And indeed Maurice "the Black Knight" Jones-Drew SHOULD always triumph, even if he gets a flesh wound.

Semi-P: "Oh Lord I thank thee for granting me victory!" GRONK!!!!!

Turd: "I've cut your arm off!" And Matty Ryan has outscored Aaron Rodgers 2 of the last 3 weeks!

Brokerage: "It's just a flesh wound. I've had worse." Damn that Vick! Joe Flacco would have been better!

Fatties: "Have at thee!" Who said Brady was done? Averaging 26.6 points per game since the Pats' bye week, he is indeed looking invincible.

Dale's Doormats: "You're a loony" if you can figure out when to play the Sanchize. Simple - every even numbered week since the Jets' bye he's had at least 25 fantasy points!


I in I/R: "What are you going to do, bleed on me?" Their back-ups put up 108, even with Andre Johnson heading back to the bench. Will they start the right guys this week?

Tim & Kumar: "We'll call it a draw then?"

And the aptly-named "Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film" (a.k.a. Team Gump and Natural Disaster) - interestingly, the Gumpsters and Disaster took opposite routes with their bye week. Gump rested their starters, putting up a 13th best 68 points this week while Disaster's bench led the league in scoring with 111, topping even the 104 from their starters. Which team will be ready for the semi-finals? Who will be ready for the French Taunters?

GOOOOOOD MORNING PCFFL!

GOOOOOOD MORNING PCFFL! Hey, this is not a test. This is rock and roll. Time to rock it from week 13 to the Enchilada Bowl! Is that me, or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie? Viva Enchilada. Oh, viva, Enchilada. Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late. It's 0600 What's the "0" stand for? Oh, my God, it's early. And while it may be early, for some teams here in the PCFFL, it's too late. Let's go out to the field here today and check and see how the Enchilada Playoffs and Toilet Bowl are shaping up.

Hey, uh, hi. Can you help me? What's your name? "My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt." Roosevelt, what town are you stationed in?. "I'm stationed in Poontang." Well, thank you, Roosevelt. How's Team Gump playing out there? "They're hot. Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking." Well, can you tell me how they're playing? "Fool, they're hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? They're damn hot! I saw - They're so damn hot, I saw that little QB in New Orleans just burst into flames. They're that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about?" What do you think it's going to be like in the Enchilada? "They gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're playing against Team Gump." Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song coming your way right now. "Nowhere To Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas. Yes!

And in other news, the Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is it a large woman that says "Don't go near there! Don't go down by the river!" No we can't say "dyke on the air, we can't even say 'lesbian' anymore, it's 'women in comfortable shoes'." And while There is an I in I/R protected their playoff chances this week, they needed help from the same Sprockets team that beat them 65-51 in week 12. Going into last night's game against Pep & Cheez, the Sprockets were down 30 with just MJD left. By halftime, MJD had 120 yards from scrimmage and a TD. Could he get 12 more points in the second half? Alas, he came up short and Coach Eickhorst is left to wonder what might have happened had he accepted any of Natural Disaster's 26 trade offers for Andre Johnson instead of taking the 11 combined points he put up the last two weeks (total).

So Pep & Cheez wins the Wilt scoring title and yet makes the playoffs by a mere 6 points. Let's see who else is in. Roosevelt can you help us out? "Watchdog, don't even come here now, I'm with somebody." Well can you tell me who's in the Enchilada? "I told you, I'm trying to score some myself here, back off!" Well, I guess we're going to have to go out to NBC Sports and Bob Costas. Bob? "I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was. Natural Disaster is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty the Enchilada. With a bye this week, they have a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, they're hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut." Thanks Bob. I'm not sure if that works out to a compliment or not.

Here's a little advice: Never eat in a Vietnamese restaurant next to a pound. Speaking of dogs, Semi-P was stuck picking between Rex Grossman, Caleb Hanie and Sam Bradford at QB. When Calvin Johnson got double-teamed for the entire game, even when the Saints' offense was on the field, it became apparent they just didn't have enough. "You know if you pick 'em up by the ears, it don't hurt 'em." So Semi-P is in the Toilet Bowl. "Oh you're going straight to hell for that one!"















Hey, we're back. That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin In The Wind." A team that was breaking wind this week? That would be Dunder Mifflin, who is the only team to make the Enchilada with a losing record, and yet was the only team in the Canes Division to come within 150 points of the Wilt-winning Pep & Cheez in total scoring. So even as Steve Smith and Wes Welker have disappeared, Chris Johson and Willis McGahee have emerged, with CJ2K scoring 19 or more in 3 of the last 4, and McGahee putting up his league-leading 6th 100-yard game. A major part of the Broncos' miracle season, McGahee has a chance to become just the 13th back to rush for more than 1200 yards at 30+ years old. When you remember how his college career ended, his 7053 career yards rushing is miraculous in itself. Strangely, McGahee has only topped 1200 yards two times in 8 previous seasons with a high of 1247 six years ago, back when this league was still the ARFFL.


Here's a little quiz: What is the difference between the Cub Scouts and the military? Bzzzzzt! Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery! And what's the difference between Team Brokerage and the Red Bandits? Two points and two wins. That's right, the Red Bandits, with their heavy artillery, went 7-6 on the season and clinched the second seed in the Canes Division by losing 71-70 to perrenial Toilet Bowl contestant Dale's Doormats. They finished the season with exactly two more points scored than Team Brokerage, who finished 5-8 and needing a minor miracle to make the Enchilada. In the end, they fell 53 points short.


Thank you for the lovely tune, that funky music will drive us till the dawn. Let's go, let's bugaloo till we puke! Speaking of bugaloo, the Walla Walla Wombats won 6 of their last 7, scoring over 96 points in five of those games, but miss out on the Quakes Division title by the points scored tie-breaker and, strangely enough, by virtue of their week 11 loss to - the Sprockets! So that's two big wins the Sprockets had in the last three weeks, and nearly a third had MJD found the end zone one more time. This week, the Wombats got 90 points from the first four guys in their lineup, which by themselves would have been enough to beat 10 of the teams in the league this week and was easily enough for their second weekly high points total of the season.



Watchdog: Okay, if someone is not telling the truth, you say that they are full of...
Toilet Bowl teams: Shit!
Watchdog: If someone has made you angry or angrier, they have...
Toilet Bowl teams: Pissed me off!

So who are the Toilet Bowl teams? As always, it's the bottom four teams in each division, with the first tie-breaker being total points scored. So Tim & Kumar will play I in I/R and Dales Doormats will play the Fatties on one side of the brackets. The Sprockets will play Semi-P and the Turd will play Team Brokerage on the other side of the brackets. For tie-breaker in the playoffs, each team designates three bench players. A team that fails to designate their tie-breaking players will automatically lose the tie-breaker. If the tie-breaker fails to break the tie, the team that had the better regular season finish advances.



How about we check in with Nostramoosus for a prediction on the Enchilada playoffs? Nostramoosus? "Watchdog? I know the Watchdog personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a good, close personal friend." Thanks Nostramoosus. This is the Watchdog here. "Ah. Then my prediction is that the Wombats will play Pep & Cheez and Dunder Mifflin will play the Red Bandits, with the winners advancing to the semi-finals." Ah, putting the "anal" back into "analysis". Thanks very much!

Watchdog - Week 11 Giving Thanks

It's always baffled me that old Garfield harped so often on some variation on the theme "I hate Mondays". Ah, Garfield. What a strange day it was when I finally realized that Garfield just wasn't very funny. Like finding out that Michael Vick, apart from last year, never was that good a fantasy football quarterback. Check out the stats - in his second-best season of his career, he averaged just under 23 points per game. This year? 23 points per game. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you that. Anyway, does it make sense to start one day in seven with a bad mood just because of the name of the day? On the other end of that scale, you have the Apostle Paul saying "Rejoice in the Lord always". Can't say I'm there either, but this seems an appropriate time of the year to stop and take stock, and perhaps even give thanks. As the commish, I want to thank you all for your participation. When I was a kid, I used to spend untold hours playing stratomatic baseball and similar games, so I'm extremely grateful to have found other geeks who enjoy this stuff too, particularly when I'm about to take so much of your money! For each team then, here are some things you might be thankful for.

Starting from the bottom and working our way up:

Tim & Kumar are thankful for Matt Forte, and to have traded him before his QB broke his thumb. The words "Caleb Hanie" are enough to send a chill into the heart of any Bears fan. Nope, I wouldn't want to have any Bears on my fantasy team for the next few weeks. Some guys just look better with the ballcap on backwards, right? T&K can be thankful to own two extra picks next year, including a first rounder, and for a two-game winning streak, which was nearly three had they started Victor Cruz instead of Mario Manningham. And they can be thankful for the Sprockets, who although they have one more win, have scored 90 fewer points than T&K this year. And you thought it might be tough to find things for a last place team to be thankful for!

Our other 2-9 team belongs to my own beloved brother. Yes, he can be thankful for Aaron Rodgers for keeping his team from being a total disaster this season. And he can be thankful for three extra draft picks next season. Maybe next year he'll be grateful to not have drafted a roster full of guys who were good five years ago. Of course, he can be thankful for Tony Gonzalez, the Firm and Dale's Doormats, all of whom helped him double his win total on the season in one short week! See, this isn't so hard!

And while the Sprockets are indeed dead last in the league in points scored this year (by nearly 10 points per week), they too have much to be grateful for. First and foremost, they can give thanks for the Wombats, a team that could have had a share of first place and a 9-2 record, but stumbled this week and gave Team Fletch their third win on the season. For some reason, they keep on being thankful for Ryan Fitzpatrick, despite the fact that Josh Freeman has outscored him in five of the last 7 weeks (and one of those two games he lost by 2 points). Coach Feldman can of course be grateful for MJD and even for the commish, who suggested two weeks before he hit the big-time that they pick up DeMarco Murray, giving them one of the top three keepers heading into next season. And as a Giants' fan, I'd be remiss if I didn't say a quick word of thanks to DeSean Jackson for not learning the lesson yet. Keep it classy, DeSean!

Ah, a tough one - Dale's Doormats. They got stuck with the harder division, going 1-5 against the other Quakes teams. With three straight losses and no obvious keepers, Coach Dale has just one true bright spot, fantasy-wise, in AJ Green. Only six rookies in NFL history have had more receiving yards in their first nine games in the NFL than Green. He has outpaced such quick-starters as Randy Moss, Andre Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, James Lofton, Steve Largent and Keyshawn Johnson (though the guys he trails are Marques Colston, Anquan Boldin, Charlie Brown, Michael Clayton, Darnell Scott and Sammy White). Coach Dale can be grateful, however, for the chance to root for Jermichael Finley and Mason Crosby every week, and for Aaron Rodgers and the rest of that team from Wisconsin.

One of the oddities of our league is that there are no teams with exactly four wins on the season. The Fatties come in next at 5-6 with 899 points scored on the season. Like Dale's Doormats, they too drew the wrong division. They also had both the good luck and misfortune to get Tom Brady for only $22. Yes, he's Tom Brady, but again he comes up with a mere 22 points against the pathetic Chiefs, one fewer than rookie Andy Dalton managed against the Ravens. Of course, as you can see, Brady has a lot to be thankful for too, despite never winning the big one since he met Giselle Ono. So what do the Fatties have to be grateful for? Yes, that it's a keeper league, and though Brady has only topped 25 once since week 3, he's still second in the league in scoring and he'll be an easy cornerstone piece for next year. And they can be grateful that Hue Jackson doesn't believe in Running Back By Committee, giving Michael Bush 30 carries for the second straight week, his fourth straight game with 10+ points.

Team Brokerage, though Canadian Thanksgiving was last month, has much to be grateful for. Tyler Palko might be first on that list, the rookie QB giving Patriots D more than enough to earn a victory against Natural Disaster and nab them high points for the week. At 5-6, they're tied for fourth, but just one game behind second, with realing Bandits (3 consecutive losses) and the inferior Semi-P (83 fewer points on the season) ahead of them. Brokerage will have their work cut out for them, with remaining games against the Wombats and I/R. Dunder Mifflin will play Natural Disaster and the Wombats; Semi-P will play Tim & Kumar and Natural Disaster; and the Realing Bandits will play Pep & Cheez and Dale's Doormats, so no one has an easy slate, though some have easier than others.

Dunder Mifflin can of course be grateful for Mario Manningham and the fact that Victor Cruz has emerged as Eli's #1 target this season. Had Manningham, the talented WR from Michigan, lived up to his billing, T&K might have put an end to their playoff hopes this week. See the picture below? Stafford is even telling you how many TD's he's going to throw! They'll be all the more grateful if Chris Johnson remembers where he misplaced his fast shoes. And of course, Dunder will always be grateful for Billy Bernens for drafting a playoff-contending team on their behalf!

Next up is indeed Semi-P, who can also be grateful for a pinch-hitter in the draft, when Dan Brooks picked Jordy Nelson for them in the 7th round of the draft. Sometimes it is a good thing to pick up the star of the previous Super Bowl. Nelson, of course, will be grateful if Polamalu reverts to the more traditional "horse-collar tackle." And while they can be grateful that Jay Cutler will return, perhaps in time for the fantasy playoffs, they can also be grateful for the emergence of Matt Moore. Why? Because Moore has averaged 20 points a week the last three for the suddenly relevant Dolphins, which is 2 more per game than Cutler has over the same period, and because Moore is a free agent.

Ah, the Red Bandits - another tricky one. Grateful for three-game losing streaks? For choking away a sure playoff spot, going from 6-2 and first place to 6-5 and fighting for their playoff life? Perhaps not if looked at from that perspective. But, to paraphrase the great philospher Clint Hurdle, "Fantasy Football has two types of people: those who have been humbled, and those who are about to be humbled." For my part, I am grateful for the Bandits' bravado because it is that which makes this pasttime so much fun. For their part, they can be grateful for Tony Romo for scoring nearly half their points this week. If only he'd had more than 29!

One of the many other oddities of our league is that coming into this week, the Canes Division was 7-21 against the Quakes. So what happens this week? Only one Quakes team won - of course it was I in I/R, getting their 7th straight, this time over the Red Bandits. I don't hear a lot of talking from Coach Marcin lately. What's up with that? In any case, I/R can be grateful for the Turd's bad season, for making off with Aaron Rodgers for a better trade package than the Raiders gave up for Carson Palmer and for being tied for the third playoff spot, and while they're unlikely to catch Pep & Cheez or Natural Disaster, they're only 8 points behind the Wombats for the tie-breaker. And of course they can be grateful for the Sprockets as well, for upending the Wombats this week, creating the three-way tie in the Quakes Division. They'll be all the more grateful if the Sprockets will kindly roll over against them this week.

The Wombats can be thankful that Eli's schedule includes two of the worst pass defense in the league the next two weeks, in New Orleans and Green Bay. Do you think Eli is grateful he didn't have to keep this jersey? The Wombats can also be grateful for the re-emergence of Marshawn Lynch, who has averaged 14 per in his last 7 starts, and for the emergence of Chris Oingoboingo for the Browns, who has averaged 14 per in his last two games.

Pep & Cheez, they can be thankful for a 68-point lead in the race for the Wilt, with just two games to play. They can be grateful that Carson Palmer has played well enough to enable them to avoid having to resort to Matt Leinart this week. As you can tell from the picture, Leinart is grateful to be done with those terrible two-a-days. And of course, P&C is grateful for #1 running back in the league, LeSean McCoy.

And Natural Disaster is certainly grateful for the Sprockets and Gumpsters for upending the Wombats and Pizza Boyz this week. We're grateful for having fallen bass-ackwards into Kevin Smith and his 38 points and Ray Rice and Fred Jackson for being second and third in the league in RB scoring.

It may be a little strange to say "thanks for a great season" when we still have five weeks to go, but perhaps it's never a bad thing to stop and say thanks.