Top 14 Awesomely Bad Fantasy Football Teams

We were talking about bad songs at lunch today and I realized right then and there that I had stumbled on this week's theme for the Watchdog. So without further doo-doo, here is this week's list of the top 14 Awesomely Bad Fantasy Football Teams of All Time, set to possibly recognizable tunes:

We Built This ****ty - well, the most awesomely bad song of all time has to go to the team with the best record in the league so far this year, all the better if it's the Turd. As VH1 said in their countdown, the song is bad enough by itself, but the traffic report in the middle brings it to another level. Before you can say to yourself "Whaaaattt???" you realize the fact that this is Grace Slick singing - a woman who performed at Woodstock for crying out loud - and you have not just awesomely bad, but epic baditudeness. Or something like that. The Turd themselves are so awesomely bad (and I mean that in all the best possible terms) that they can start Lawrence Tynes and Vincente Shiancoe (0 combined points) and still win by 20. Ambidextrously, that was Joseph Addai's first 100+ yard performance since 2008, or put in perspective, the year this song came out.

Everybody make Fun of us Tonight everybody Wang Chung tonight. What more needs to be said? Pep & Cheez drew perhaps a few snickers when they finished the auction with $21 left over, but they are the ones Wang Chunging over the rest of the league now (with the exception of Tim & Kumar, who just got Wanged last week in an 80-80 tie).

Matty Ice Ice Baby - have to skip a few teams here to make this work as the 2-3-1 Tim & Kumar sport perhaps the most awesomely bad QB the Falcons have ever had. Sure, he's no Vince Young or Jay Cutler, he went to BC, so give him a break!

Farty All The Time - this is, without a doubt, the most insidious piece of crap ever produced in what appeared to be a serious manner. This may be the exact moment that Eddie Murphy's career imploded (and a more just outcome I could not think of). As VH1 pointed out in their coverage of the song, Murphy was at the peak of his career, having left Saturday Night Live (with grown-up Buckwheat, Gumby, Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood, the James Brown impressions), produced a string of great movies: 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places and several great live comedy albums. After this attrocity, he gave us The Golden Child, Harlem Nights, Another 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop II and II and so on and so on until Meet Dave. And so we come to Natural Disaster. Aside from my love of this song, the natural fit is the early success this once-proud franchise had, culminating in the Whole Enchilada title back in the same year 48 Hours came out (I think - it's a little fuzzy remembering that long ago) and a string of disasters so egregious that even his most devoted fans now just cringe and encourage him to hang it up. If it wasn't for animals (Donkey in Shrek and the Watchdog in the Watchdog), that opinion might just be unanimous.

I'm Too Sexy - for my socks, has to be the Fatties, who finally got a semi-decent performance from Chris Johnson in an even-numbered week, though even that took until the 56th minute of the Monday Night game. What was looking like another disappointing 25 carry - 80 yard - 0 TD performance in a game the Titans had well in hand (23-3 running out the clock) when suddenly CJ rips through the line and is gone, making an 8 point game into a 19 point game and giving the Fatties just enough Sexy to send T&K home frustrated.

Sussudio - it must have been hard to pick just one Phil Collins song for this count-down. Yes, he had "In the Air" but for every good song, there's a "One More Night", "Easy Lover", "I Can't Dance" or "Land of Contusions". Which of course leads us to Team Gump. Yes, they have the good Manning and Adrian Peterson, but they also have Danny Woodhead (that's his real name) and Roy Williams in their starting lineup and Dwayne Bowe, LaRod Stephens-Howling and Reggie Bush on the Bench. Talk about a Land of Contusions! I wouldn't know who to play either! By the way, Phil himself said "Sussudio" means absolutely nothing. It is utter nonsense. And may I just say "Thank you so much for that."

Hangin' Tough - Sprockets are doing just that! I am reminded of when one of the New Kids fell off the stage performing this song and broke his arm (true story) - "Hangin' To-whoa!" Anyway, the Sprockets have won two straight after starting the year 0-4 and are now solidly in 2nd place in the points race with their first high-points week of the season. If MJD ever gets in gear, these guys are gonna have some Good Vibrations. (How about that picture eh? If those guys don't know about hangin' tough, I don't know who would!)

The Final Countdown - if I say this is the best song on this list, is that a compliment? Europe may have been a one-hit wonder, and that may end up being one more hit than Dunder Mifflin, as a desperately bad week (59 points) leads them to make a desperation trade - strangely again with Natural Disaster - giving up their best player in Antonio "Hot" Gates. How is it that Def Leppard wasn't on this list anywhere? When I think of your team and I think of a one-armed drummer, that's not a good thing.

Rump Shaker - I have no idea who sings this song, but you have to love the title. And you have to respect I in IT, a team that features such generic players (Jackson, Johnson, Harrison, Thomas, Williams) that it's like they're trying to check into a hotel incognito. I guess "R Mexico" was already taken. Looking at the picture, maybe this should have been for the Red Bandits?

Never Gonna Give You Up - Never gonna take "no" for an answer, only gonna get you drunk and take you into the back room and hurt you. Is that going too far? Well, blame Rick Astley and "Big" Ben. Nevertheless, Brokerage is not going to give up either, not when Chad "Smoked" Henne is their other QB. And Coach Lubert expressed confidence earlier today that "Hey, if it looks like we may not have enough to win it all, we'll see if we can pry another RB off Natural Disaster." Sound strategy.

Pimp Juice - I don't even know who sings this song either, but this is another "serious" song, yet one that could have come directly from one of the all-time great parody movies - way better than Spinal Tap - I refer of course to Fear of a Black Hat, the pseudo-documentary story of Niggaz With Hatz. The soundtrack features songs like "Ice Froggy Frog", "Booty Juice", "Grab Yo Stuff", "Granny Say Kick Your Black A**" and "My Peanuts". Not making the soundtrack but featured in the film was of course "Kill Whitey" which the guys from the band claimed of course was NOT their instructions for their fans to kill white people in general, but rather one specific dude, Whitey Lockman, their former manager who ripped them off and was strangely never seen again. Speaking of "never seen again", is that Semi-P? After a 2-0 start with 213 points, they've lost 4 straight, scoring over 63 points just once. But don't look at me, I wasn't even IN Cleveland on that night man.

Cotton Eye Joe - "Where does he come from? Where does he go? How does he win even one in a row?" One might think it's hard to knock a team just days after getting beaten by that same team, but one would be wrong. Let's face it, Dale's Doormats are not good. Alex Smith? Carson Daly? (Oops - Palmer!) Ladell Betts? John Starks - doesn't he play for the Knicks? I think D Brown might be dead! (Well, cross him off the list...) And yet they beat me this week. Yep. Yep... I'm not sure what this picture is, but when I did a search for Cotton Eye Joe, this is what came up. Interestingly, mine is bigger than that.

We Didn't Start the Fire, we were always burning, even when our team was lucking its way to a championship last year. Ah yes, the immortal Billy Joel classic - interestingly it was NOT written directly about or for the Red Bandits. I know why you might think that, given their 1-5 start to the season and talking another beating this week. They weren't just burned on the fantasy field, but DeSean Jackson actually thought he was Marylin Monroe and in North Korea (or South Korea, he wasn't sure) up until yesterday. Now he says he's Batman. So much better there. By the way "Spoiler Alert" on the picture there! Hope that doesn't ruin anything for anyone, but yes, that's how they filmed those amazing special effects. And no, Robin was not harmed in filming this scene.

All I Wanna Do is give you my dough and I've got a feeling I'm not the only one. No, this song didn't make VH1's count-down, but it's so awesomely bad that Sheryl Crow refuses to sing it in concert anymore. Yes, the song that launched her career (along with being a back-seat singer, er back-UP singer for Eric Clapton) and made her dozens of fans up and down Santa Monica Boulevard and she won't sing it anymore. Now THAT's an insidious song! Sweet Justice! Speaking of justice, I refer of course to the Walla Walla Wombats, who tried to buy a championship (Yankees Style!) last year and of course got the Eagles QBs this year once again. So they bench Korn on the Kolb in favor of Faver , only to have Kornie throw for 300 yards and 3 TDs, scoring exactly 21 points more than the Jason Vorhees of QBs, leading the Wombats to lose 74-54.

10/10/10 - lies, damn lies...

Well I'm sure you gamblin' guys and gals out there don't need me to tell you, but the rest of you may not have noticed that on 10/10/10, all the starting quarterbacks wearing #10 were undefeated. At one point one of them (Eli) completed 10 straight passes (to his own team!). The moral here of course is, next time there's a 10/10/10, make sure to bet all the #10 QBs you can. Or put all your money on Eli to win. By the way, can we all agree that the cornrows were a big mistake? What the hell was she thinking? Anyway, here are some other stats that may or may not interest you:

The Fatties have averaged 122.3 points per game in odd-numbered weeks and 79.5 ppg in even numbered weeks. Good news for Tim & Kumar, this week's opponents? Interesting (or not) Chris Johnson is averaging 25.0 ppg in odd-numbered games and 5.0 per game in even. Coincidence? I don't think!

Semi-R has scored 1 more point than Canes Division leaders Dunder Mifflin (11 more than co-leaders, the Mighty Turd) yet trails by 2 games in the standings. Over the last four weeks, Detroit QBs have averaged 25 points per game, tied for third most in the league. And how does this grab you: the Detroit Lions have the highest scoring team in the NFC. Go ahead and look it up. Amazing no? Not only that, but the Lions also have the second-highest scoring fantasy defense in the league. If they keep this up, they may win another game this year! Well, they might.

And by the way, I in IT's Ravens D is tied for the worst scoring fantasy D in the league. Speaking of poor scoring, the 3-2 IT have scored 353 points in 5 weeks, good for just over 70 per week, 13th in the league.

Meanwhile the Sprockets, who have as many points as the Turd, finally got that elusive first win this week. It was, of course, their lowest scoring game since week 2. Also, Jacksonville QBs have now outscored Saints QBs in three of five weeks and Coach Feldman has already laid the blame for this squarely at the feet of newly un-retired Coach Fisher.

Team Brokerage's two team QBs combined would just edge out Kyle Orton and Shaun Hill for 3rd best QB total in the league. Josh Freeman, who is averaging 19.0 ppg (12th best) remains a free agent. Strangely, Jimmy Claussen and friends (10.0 ppg) are also still available.

Matt Forte, recently dumped on the unsuspecting Natural Disaster, has 62 points in two games and 16 in his other three. Can you say "feast or famine?" I knew that you could.

Conversely, there are only two running backs with double-digit points in every start they've made this year: Darren McFadden (injured this week for the Fatties) and Peyton Hillis of Wombat fame. Hillis' college claim to fame? Blocking for McFadden.

None of the top 4 WRs were ranked in the top 14 pre-season, 6 of the top 14 and only 10 of the top 30. Who'd have thought Hakeem Nicks would be so good? Oh yes. That would be me.

The only receivers to have double-digit scoring every week so far? Roddy White (SemiR) and Antonio Gates (Dunder Mifflin), who has the second-most points of any non-QB and more than half the QBs in the league. As a Tight End. And no, I don't think he's hoping to one day be a wide receiver and play for the University of San Francisco.

Quick quiz for anyone besides Pep & Cheez: what NFL team does Steve Johnson play for? Where did he go to college? How does he have more points than Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson, Brandon Marshall and the same total as the Moss brothers? Seriously, who is this guy? Whoever he is, this guy is good!

Did you know that "Seen Juan, Seen" Jamaal Charles is trying to do something you've never seen before? That is, he's trying to average better than 6.4 yards per carry, the record of any running back in the Super Bowl era set by Mercury Morris, who has the best nickname a back could ask for. If Charles gets the record, we may have to find him a better one. "Ain't Seen"? Mercury had exactly 1000 yards rushing for the undefeated Dolphins, the only time he eclipsed 1000 in his career. He did average 6.8 ypc in 1970, on just 60 carries.

Things are looking up for P&C in this regard too - they play the Mighty Turd in week 8, when six of the Turd's starters this week will be on a bye. We're looking into whether or not that is a league record. By the way, be sure to check out the TOcho show this week on whatever channel it's on, talking about whatever the heck they talk about. I'm sure at some point winning a football game might come up in the conversation. Sometime this season. But it'll be something like "I don't understand why we're not winning more football games."

Interesting note for Team Gump's TE Tony Gonzalez: He recently became the first TE in NFL history with more than 1000 receptions and has a chance to finish this season with more than anyone in NFL history except Jerry Rice. Also interesting in looking at the all-time receiver list, Marvin Harrison finished his career with exactly one more catch than Cris Carter for 2nd all-time. The big difference in the two men? Carter started his career off his rocker and Marvin finished his that way. Also semi-interesting, 5 of the top 14 in all-time receptions are active. Larry Fitzgerald, not one of the top 14 (yet), has 549 catches in 6 full seasons. Rice played 21 seasons and is exactly 1000 catches ahead of Fitzgerald as of today. I'm no math expert, but I think if you give Fitzgerald 14+ more seasons to play, he only needs to average 72 per season to catch Rice (get it? Ha!). All that said, Gonzalez only needs to average 75 per season for the next 7 to get to #1 also, so who knows?

The Red Bandits' Tony Romo has 59 starts in his NFL career now. In that time, he is averaging about 23 fantasy points per game. In each of his three seasons with at least 13 starts he's finished in the top 9 fantasy QBs in the league. For comparison sake, Troy Aikman, in his NFL career had 165 starts and averaged just over 14 fantasy points per game only once finishing better than 9th-best fantasy QB in the league in 12 seasons. In the post-season, however, Aikman averaged 18 fantasy points per game in 16 starts. Romo is averaging 14 fantasy points per game in 4 playoff starts. Maybe it wasn't Jessica's fault?

And last and perhaps least (so far this year anyway) we come to the "whatever happened to you?" section of the broadcast. Today we focus on the artist formerly known as Carson Palmer, starting QB for Dale's Doormats. In 2005, Palmer led the Bengals to a record of 11-5 with a QB rating of 101.1 (WCBS FM New York, the old Oldies station - coincidence? You know...) I'm sure you all recall the dirty, scum-bucket, beneath contempt play of the sleazy, scum-bucket Stealers, ripping up Palmer's knee and shredding their Super Bowl chances (OK, go with me here). The next year, Palmer came back and threw for 200 more yards, but 4 fewer TDs and his passer rating fell to 93.9 (just a few points off WXRK, K-Rock, formerly classic rock, formerly home of How-weird Stern, now who knows what? Coincidence?) That was the last time Palmer's QB rating appeared on the FM dial. There are plenty of QBs who had one good season. David Garrard (102.2, nothing else over 90.1), Vinnie Testaverde - one season with over a 90.6, Chris Chandler (100.9 in 1998, only two other seasons over 84.1), Damon Huard had a 98.0 in 8 starts in 2006, never more than 79.8 otherwise, Steve Beuerlein 4436 yards and 36 TDs in 1999, Randall Cunningham - one season with over a 91.6 at 106.0 in 1998 - just to name a few of the recent ones. So my question (and I do have one) is - was Palmer just a one-hit wonder? Another "Dead or Alive"? He's got Coach Dale spinning round round baby, right round. Like a record baby... Now you'll be singing that song all day. You're welcome.

David Buehler's Week Off

I figure if I'm ever going to do this, I better get it in before Dallas wises up and cuts him. As Ferris himself so memorably said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't quote a dated 80s movie before this crappy kicker gets cut, you're going to miss it." Or something like that. Anyway, let's take a tour through the league with Ferris:

"Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something d-o-o economics." Week four saw a return to the good old days in many ways. It's like going back to the "Big 80s," Reagan-omics and a good Mets team. So comforting. The Fatties of course are back to .500 and looking like they're on course for another typical season - in the running for points race (winning this year?) and likely missing the playoffs.

"Trust me. I'm a professional." "Professional what?" Team Brokerage looks like this year's winner of the 'let's see who can snake a top RB from the commissioner' award. A smaller award, but coveted nonetheless. After getting "Yo Arian" Foster for Randy "J for Effort" Moss, they rode Foster and his 30-point effort (in 3 quarters) to a 4-point win over Semi-P. Amazing that a QB can look as bad as Henne (and get benched even) and still put up 25 fantasy points.

"The sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude." Believe it or not, that's the Turd this week, running out to high points for the week despite a goose-egg from their tight end and starting Muchostinko instead of TO (a mere 25 point difference). Who'd have thought TO had 28 points left in him for the season? He must be a rigtheous dude! Or something... Of course the best Charlie Sheen quote from the movie is "What are you in for?" "Drugs." Somehow he makes that so believeable. What an actor...

"I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?" Dunder Mifflin made a couple of bad decisions this week - starting Ray Rice against Pitts D, having Mike Sims-Walker on their team at all much less in the starting lineup, not having Eddie Royal of the #1 passing offense in the NFL in. Even if they got all that right, it wouldn't quite have been enough to make up for playing the Turd this week. By the way, my favorite new NFL nickname this year? Giselle Ono. Another outstanding effort by Brady and his hair. I have to think if their D and Special Teams didn't put up 28 points, Brady might have worked up a sweat in this one.

"If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up." Has to be the Sprockets who continue their search for a Ferrari-like RB. They now have 7 backs on their roster. Two of them had 39 points yesterday, the other 5 totaled 5 points. No one is going to confuse Mike Tolbert (16 points yesterday) with a Ferrari - he goes at 5'9" 243 pounds.

"I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me. Good point there. After all, he was the Walrus." Pep & Cheez is running so well, they can leave LT2, Shonn Greene and TJ Housher on the bench and still roll the Sprockets. By the way, LT2 is trying to become just the 5th running back ever with 12,000 yards in a career to run for less than 1000 yards at 30+ and then come back and rush for more than 1000 in a season. Previously this was accomplished only by Franco Harris (1007 yards at a sterling 3.7 ypc), John Riggins (1347 and 1239 at a stellar 3.6 and 3.8 ypc), OJ Anderson (1023 yards at a spectacular 3.1 ypc) and Ricky Williams last year (1121 yards at a truly excellent 4.7 ypc). LT2 is almost halfway to last year's total of 730 yards through 4 games. And yes, the Jets do play Buffalo again this year.

"Do you realize that if we played by the rules right now, we'd be in gym?" Do you realize that if we still had strict rosters with regards to benches, Dale's Doormats would have almost an entirely different roster? They are currently carrying 6 RBs, 5 WRs, 2 QBs, 1 TE, 1 K and 1 D. Their 10-point win with the aforementioned pretty good Ricky Williams on the bench moved DD into a 5-way tie for 3rd place at 2 up and 2 down.

"What's the score?" "Nothin' - nothin'" "Who's winning?" "The Bears" Might be time to tweak that Draft Dominator T&K. Understand Miles Austin is on a bye this week, and Jamaal Charles. But Matty Ice and Vince Young are not leading anyone to the playoffs, much less a team featuring not one but two Raiders' WRs.

"One, you can never go too far, and two, if I'm gonna get busted it's not gonna be by a guy like him." Brad Gradkowski? Really? He lead the defending champion Red Bandits to their first win of the year? Even with San Diego D and their 27 points on the bench? (Who does Arizona play next?)

"He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this student body" "Well he makes you look like an a** is what he does." Now fortunately for Natural Disaster, the game against Tim & Kumar was already in hand going into last night's game, but when you trade the #1 RB in the league, you expect to get some value in return right? Well, you might unless you traded for Randy Moss instead of Anquan Boldin (as was originally offered by Brokerage).

"Does anyone know the answer? Anyone? Anyone?" The question of course is, 'who put up the second fewest points in the league and still won this week?' Due to a very alert pick-up of the Law Firm two weeks ago, No I in I/T sneaked out a 58-56 victory in a game that imitated real life - featuring Eagles QBs vs Redskins QBs. Interesting no? No?

"Abe Froehman? The Sausage King of Chicago?" Has to be Jay Cutler and Semi-P. You know it hurts when previously top-ranked fantasy QB Cutler gets out-scored 30-4 by Shaun Hill, who was cut in the off-season by the 0-4 49ers and picked up as the back-up of the Lions.

"He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend'sbrother's girlfriend heard from thisguy who knows this kid who's goingwith a girl who saw Ferris pass-outat 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious." Well I don't know about passing out at 31 Flavors, but when Vick got crunched it did look pretty serious. In any case, it KOed the Wombats' chances of getting a share of first place, as well as the Eagles'.

"Adamly? Adamowski? Adams? Adamson? Beuhler? ...Beuhler? ...Beuhler? ... Frye?" Last week Team Gump's backups scored 96, this week their entire team was playing hookey. Peyton's 352 yards and 2 TDs weren't even enough for the Colts to beat the Jags much less help the Gumpsters beat the Bandits. One last question: how on earth did Bills QBs get 24 points this week? One last last question - how does Ben Stein have three of the top 14 quotes from that movie? And I didn't even give you the Smoot-Hartley Tariff...