Watchdog week 3 - an exercise in mediocrity

Sometime early Sunday afternoon, we'll pass the 1/4 pole of the season.  What do we know so far?  Well, the Sprockets aren't very good.  The Fatties and Red Bandits are again out to stong starts while the Turd and Semi-P are off to unusually good starts.  Everyone else in the league is 1-2.  I'm not even sure this is mathematically possible, but there you have it.  And since everyone seems to be mailing it in this year, it's time for the Watchdog to lead by example and get things riled up in here!

So how bad are the Sprockets?  You'd think a team with Aaron Rodgers, DeMarco Murray, Megatron, Mike Wallace and Aaron Hernandez can't be too bad.  It doesn't help having the 30th ranked fantasy D in the league as their only D.  OK Hernandez got hurt, and they don't have a second RB much less a third.  In actuality, their points scored are tied for 9th in the league.  A return to form for Rodgers wouldn't hurt - after averaging 31.5 points per game last year, he's averaging just 17 through three games this year.  If Rodgers was averaging even halfway in between, it would put the Sprockets at 4th in the league in scoring so far this year.  Replacing the awful Chefs with any of the top 10 Ds available as free agents would help even more. 

With 10 of the 14 teams at 1-2, how do you distinguish between one pile of feces and another?  By what that team ate to produce the pile in question.  And the team with the biggest stench so far among these seemingly identical stinkers is - your defending champion Gumpsters!  While a 58-point "effort" in week 3 didn't help their numbers any, they'd only averaged 79 in the first two weeks.  "Overhead" Cam Newton is certainly part of the problem.  Losing Bradshaw the last couple of weeks didn't help.  Getting a total of 6 points from their 4 WRs may be the crux of the matter.  Woodhead and Felix figure to be at lease passable as back-up RBs once Bradshaw is healthy (if he can get healthy).  Pitta was a nice grab off the waiver wire.  Ravens' D needs to step up, but they don't play the Patriots again this season, so they got that going for them.  Which is nice.  The good news is that Andrew Luck looks pretty good and that there are at least a dozen acceptable WRs on waivers. 

Just a single point ahead of the Gumpsters are the Camel Jockeys (or Kumar of Tim & Kumar fame).  The bad news is that they got their first victory of the season by an absolute gift - 64 points is not a total that will win you many games.  The good news is that their bench scored 79 and simply inserting Roofiesberger for Old Man Rivers, they'd shoot up to league average in points on the season.  Alertly scooping up Natural Disaster cast-off Daniel Thomas off waivers adds an nice layer of depth at RB, especially if Reggie W Bush has trouble staying healthy.  (Helpful hint:  when in doubt, pick up the player cut by Disaster.  It's even more a sure thing than the Madden Curse.) 

The controversial Walla Walla Wombats are next as we move up the rank ranks.  After controversially starting Chris Johnson and his 1.4 yards per carry average, and Tony Romo against the suddenly juvenated Tampa Bay D instead of Joe Flacco against the consistent New England D, the WWW reacted by controversially picking up Golden Tate, the diminutive thief from the Pacific Northwest.  One wonders whether the Wombats will waive the wideout when Wayne is wakened next week (whew!).  With CJ2.0 (that's for his YPC not indicating he's new and improved), Toby Gerhart and Kevin Smith taking up roster space and Devery Henderson as their only other "legitimate" WR (and I use that term loosely), the Wombats are thin, but dangerous.  Choosing between these two cheeseballs each week is going to be a tough trough though (I'm not sure what that means either).  And now, controversially, the Wombats have benched CJ2.0.  What will become of the former has-been?

In a battle of the bottom of the barrel, the Wombats will hope to beat I/R this week, a team that continues its dubious tradition from last year as Darius Heyward-Bey looked like Apollo Creed when he fought Drago in Rocky IV.  If Trent Richardson can play the Bengals every week, I/R can roll out most of a nice starting 8 with Buick spokesman of the week at starting QB, Steven Jackson, Steven Johnson, Nate Boom Boom Washington, Heath Miller or Jermaine to the Conversation Gresham at TE and Shayne "Crackers" Graham or Nate "Alex P" Kaeding at K the only other question mark is whether the Pats D is the juggernaught that trounced the Titans in week one or the Jello that tried to stop the Cards and Ravens in weeks 2 and 3.  The problem with Richardson is that, outside the Cincy game he's averaging only slightly better than Chris Johnson. 

Unbelievably, Team Brokerage is tied with the 0-3 Sprockets for 9th most points scored so far this year.  Now I say "unbelievably" because the Brokes are projected to score 107 points this week when they battle the aforementioned Sprockets.  The Brokes have benched Michael Vick in favor of Harvard Fitzpatrick (and the forecasters agree with the decision).  Their season may ride on whether this guy (Ryan Mathews) can hold onto the football or whether he'll treat it like a greased watermelon.  The other key to their season is also Charging into mediocrity.  After 8 seasons of averaging over 9 TDs per season, Antonio Gates has 7 catches for 65 yards and 0 TD in the first 3 games of 2012.  The Brokes have done a nice job of working the waiver wire, picking up Bilage Powell (4.0 YPC vs Shonn Greene's 3.4) and Lamar Miller (5.2 YPC backing up the oft-injured Reggie the Vacator and the oft-fumbling Daniel Thomas) as well as #2 D in the NFL Arizona Cardinals (not a typo - and that after playing both New England and Philadelphia).  The strength of this team though is at WR with AJ Green and Percy Harvin starting and Danny Amendola (currently 6th ranked WR in the NFL) and DeSean Jackson backing up. 

Next up is Natural Disaster, which again left too many points on the bench this week in the person of Kyle Randolph, whose 2 TDs would have been enough to secore a victory against the Fatties (and on the waiver wire, in Christian Ponder, whose 2 passing TDs and 1 rushing TD would have been more than enough compared to this guy.  Trading Cutler, Michael Bush and Hakeem Nicks for Drew Brees, Marques Colston and spare change (Knowshon Moreno) seems to fix Disaster's biggest problem.  Now their season will hinge on whether a) Andre the Giant Brown continues to out-run Ahmad Bradshaw and/or it's "Fast Freddie" or "Fragile Freddie" Jackson who comes back to the Bills this week; b) Andrew Hawkins continues to look like a homeless man's Wes Welker and c) whether they can finally pick which tight end to play. 

In a mediocre league that is averaging 83.31 points per game so far this season, Pep & Cheez is averaging a stellar 83.33 points per game - miles better!  They did put up 106 of their 250 this week though, with half of that coming from Matt Schaub and Jamaal Charles, who looked fairly healthy in week 3 (233 yards on 33 carries) after a week 2 showing that even CJ2.0 would spit on (3 yards on 6 carries).  On the season he's averaging 5.9 YPC and for his career 6.04 (on 554 carries).  This week's opponent, the Chargers, have bottled up Charles to a mere 5.9 YPC in his career though.  Charles is the large RB in the P&C stable, with Darren Sproles the other starter.  Their tilt this week against Wilt Chamberlain leader Dale's Doormats will leave one team at 1-3 (but really only 1 game out of a playoff spot).  By the way, how are the Redskins' D #4 in the league in fantasy points?  They've given up 101 points in three games!  That is a hard trick to pull off!

The penultimate 1-2 powerhouse is Dunder Mifflin, the people person paper people.  As exciting as putting up 114 points is for the Dundies, any time you see "Matthew Stafford (leg) was unable to practice" you have to hold your collective breath, especially when Josh Freeman is your backup.  With "Air Vernon" Davis, World Wide Wes and Andre "Ooh My Groin" Johnson, Stephen "Believe It or Not" Ridley, Cedric "Benson" Benson and Tony Gonzalez rounding out the team, Stafford's health makes the Dundies either a powerhouse or a "paper tiger" (sorry...).

Leading the entire league in scoring is (are?) Dale's Doormats, the last of our 1-2 medo-crites.  So who are these Doormats?  They scored 94 week 1, following that up with 131 in week 2 and then 68 in week 3.  Seemingly, overall points leader Bob Griffin gives them a significant edge, especially when paired with Arian Foster.  Doug Martin, Demarius Thomas and Dwayne Bowe don't figure to all take the week off at the same time again.  Coby Fleener and Marcedes Lewis combined for 8 yards receiving in week 3 and TE remains a problem, and as the Packers continue to struggle defensively, carrying only one team D seems a risky strateegery. 

 The Fatties are the "worst" 3-0 team, having lucked into a 67-63 win in week 2, but earned hard wins in weeks 1 and 3, 91-84 and 100-93 respectively.  Readers of the Sports Guy might recognize this strategem as the ultimate "Milton Berle" - taking out just enough to win each week.  With Brady, MJD, BJ-GE, Steve Smith, Brandon Marshall and #1 fantasy D Chicago, they have the makings of a strong starting 8.  Ryan Williams may have just earned #1 starter for Arizona and Torrey Smith is looking like a #1 WR in the making.  Having no backup QB (sorry Jacksonville), TE, K or D may come back to haunt them, but other than week 6 (when most of their starters are off) and week 9 (when Brady is off), they should be fine.

The 3-0 Bandits will face off against the 3-0 Turd this week.  The Bandits are averaging exactly 87 points per game and are projected to score exactly 87 again this week!  How's that for prognosticating?!?!  With Reggie the Vacator on the sidelines and the Bandit's other 4 RBs besides LeSean McCoy averaging 3.33 points per game, the Bandits could be in a short-term fix.  Eli, McCoy, "Which One's Pink" and "Me and Julio" Jones, Jason Witten and Seattle D, the Bandits have the makings of a playoff team - if Bush can come back healthy.

The Hundering Turd is currently 4th in the league in points per game, having gotten off the schnide vs the aforementioned Brokes. With their three best RBs injured and their other RBs named Knowshon and LaMichael (you can't make this up), the Turd traded 2011 MVP Drew Brees for Michael Bush and Hakeem Nicks. Healthy, that gives them a lineup of Andy Doolin' Daulton, CJ Spiller and either Forte or Bush, Vincent Jackson and Nicks, Owen Daniels or Freddie "One Toke Over the Line" Davis, Garrett Hartley or Jason "MmmBop" Hanson and Giants D, with McGaheehee, Crabtree and Lance Moore backing up, along with Cutler. Will this trade make the Turd important or impotent?

And leading the league (more or less) is Semi-Precious?!?!  At just 3 points off the Wilt and sporting a fancy 3-0 record, SP has all the markings of an Enchilada contender!  Matty Ice, Yo Adrian Peterson, Frank the Riddler Gore(shen), Larry Fitzgerald, Miles Austin, Gronk, Chicago Kickers and Dallas D, a stellar starting 8.  They carry two young QBs to back up Ryan in Bradford and Locker, a break-out candidate at TE in Martellus Bennett and five position players who totaled 2 points in week 3.  But that's just one week right?  Law of Large Numbers (or Small Sample Size)?  Week 2 those same 5 guys scored 3 points and Week 1 they scored 9.  Hmmm...  They are projected to score 113 in week 4, though still only get 9 points from those 5 bench guys.  Not saying they won't beat Disaster this week - but like a guy who just took Viagra, you have to wonder how long they can keep this up? 

By the way, before we all start swapping spit in the shower over the league's projected points, keep in mind that the lowest projected point total for week 4 is 87 (Red Bandits) while in actuality, 10 teams have averaged 87 or lower over the first 3 weeks of the season.

And by the by-way, the deadline for getting your money in has come and gone.  Fines have begun to be levied.  Don't make me hurt you.

Watchdog Deux - the sequel!

There are very few sequels that should have ever been made.  Here are a some of them, set to the possibly recognizable tune of the Watchdog's Week Two Review. 

RGIII!!!  In 3D!!!  We have a new leader in the Wilt Chamberlain Title race and it's Dale's Doormats!  Given the hype machine that exists in today's hype-y machine-y world, it might be tempting to lay all the credit for DD's success at Griffin's feet (and arm).  But that would be disingenuous.  In Coach Dale's pre-game speachifying, he encouraged "Everybody scores today!"  And they did, all except Fleener.  If the Doormats had any depth at RB, they'd be a lock for the playoffs.  As it is, in the immortal words of Butch and Sundance "these guys are good."  The Sprockets, to quote Ty Webb, "you, you're not good."  How long will they go with KC D (1 point total in 2 games)?  When will the real Aaron Rodgers show up?  How long will Aaron Hernandez be out?  Tune in next week when we answer these and many other important questions!

In Revenge of the Nerds 2:  Nerds in Paradise, the nerds score with all kinds of chicks on Spring Break.  It is a measure of how far Eli has come as a QB that while watching him throw for his three picks, which led directly to 21 points for the opposition, I was chalking it up to "one of those days" and figured "he'll get 'em next week".  A long way from what I used to think when this sort of thing would happen, "Remind me again how many draft picks we gave up to get this bozo?"  As it turns out, he got 'em not "next week", but in the second half.  By Eli's calculations, he threw for an NFL record 610 yards, if you count the interception return yards.  In any case, he and Reggie Bush nearly outscored the Camel Jockeys by themselves as the Red Bandits cruzed to victor-y!  Well, at least Cruz showed up this week, but unfortunately for the Jox, Eli threw to Nicks and others at least as much as he did VC, so advantage Bandits there.  McFadden and Greene were essentially no-shows though their Saints' RBs both were in double digits on the bench.  Will Coach Haas get his guys to walk a mile for these Camels? 

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Arizona.  Poor Larry Fitzgerald.  You know those kids in the Jaws movies and you think "why would they go swimming?  Get out of there!"  That was the same thought I had when Larry signed a long-term deal with the Cards.  Semi-P was just whelming enough this week, nosing out Pep and Cheez with Larry Fitzgerald going for 4 receiving yards for the 2-0 Cardinals.  Pizza the Hut got good special teams and not much else.  Semi-P did improve to 2-0 as well, but Vegas is taking odds on either the Cards or Semi-P finishing the season over .500. 


Was there ever a more appropriate sequel name than "Die Hard 2:  Die Harder"?  In it, our hero overcomes terrorists (again) holding an entire airport hostage (again) with the help of the fat black cop (again) despite the fact that the fat black cop is on the other side of the country, and of course it all comes together at the last possible moment.  I tell you that story to tell you this one:  it's Sunday at 3:51PM and the email comes across from Team Brokerage, "drop Bills D and pick up Dante Rosario".  The commish says "Sorry, Bills D have already played, and it's now 4:15 PM, you have to drop someone who hasn't played yet."  Our heros are cool under pressure:  "Drop 49ers D."  Rosario has just 4 catches, but only one of the 4 doesn't go for a TD and Brokerage comes through with a big win against the vile terrorists from Dunder Mifflin (work with me here).  But at what cost?  Their feet are all cut up, they're covered in blood and now they have to chose between Oakland and Buffalo D!  The horror!  Stay tuned for Live Free or Die Hard!  A quick shout out to Dunder Mifflin's colorful tight end, Burnin' Vernon Davis.  You may recall last week's ill-advised slam dunk attempt.  This week he opted for the fade-away jumper.  To quote John McLain:  "I'm getting too old for this s(tuff)!"

Was there ever a less appropriate sequel name than "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare" which unfortunately was the 6th of the 9 nightmares?  For the rest of us, CJ Spiller is Freddy Kruger.  For the Turd, they were led by the "glorified punt returner", who has a frightening yards per carry so far this year of an average punt returner's yards per return:  29 carries for 292 yards.  I'm no Norman Einstein but I think that comes out to a bit more than 10 yards per tote.  With Brees, McGaheehee and of course Knowshown Moreno, the Turd is truly a nightmare on any street.




If "Miss Congeniality" is one of those movies you'd never want to admit you like, what does that make "Miss Congeniality 2:  Armed and Fabulous"?  That would make it Peyton Manning - coming back when most thought he never should have, and yes he is armed, and yes, he is fabulous.  And like Armed and Fabulous, getting married seems to have addled Coach Eickhorst's brain, as when Steven Jackson went down with a groin, IT eschewed obfusicity and conventional fantasy wisdom by electing not to pick up Jackson's backup, but standing pat on Isaiah Pead (that's his real name), a man with limp-damaged hair who hasn't actually touched the ball on offense this season, but a fireball nonetheless.  In any case, Manning overcame an NFL record four turnovers in one quarter to lead IT to a sterling 9-point win as Natural Disaster lived up to the billing of it's sequel - Natural Disaster 2 - this time the Asteroid hits, wiping out Hakeem Nicks and Brent Celek.  The good news for ND fans, Natural Disaster 3 - the Glacier Attacks is coming soon and ND's bench had enough to win the game outright despite having three guys get caught directly under the asteroid. 

In Star Wars II - Attack of the Clones, we finally got to the point where we could safely say "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"  As if Jar Jar Binx wasn't enough to do it in Part I - Killer Clones from Outer Space.  But for the Wombats, the question of the season is, who cloned Chris Johnson and what did they do with the real guy?  In two games this season, he has 21 yards on 19 carries.  After predicting he would lead the league in rushing early in the off-season, we're saying the same thing to him as to George Lucas - please just stop.  At least they have Alfred the Butler Morris and Marshawn "Dewey" Lynch.  I can suggest here, however, that for CJ2K to reach his goal, he be allowed to carry the ball 2000 times this year - that might just do it.

Watchdog Week One - we return, for the first time, to the Twilight Zone

Not to be confused with the the Old Spice Red Zone, Tom Coughlin's Green Zone or the Green Mile, which is how long the last 20 yards of the field looked to the Giants this week. 

Picture a league, a league beyond sight and sound, a league finished with its draft/auction/debacle, a league that has entered the Regular Season Zone.  It was a week like any other week for the Paladin Cat Fantasy Football League - a league lost in the mists of the Twilight Zone for over 10 years and counting.  Almost all the teams in the league went about having their normal every-day scores, completely unaware that just four of their member would put up any score out of the ordinary.  And yet two of those four extra-ordinary teams were destined to meet. 

Before we look in on these two extra-ordinary teams, lets look at the top 10 scorers among running backs:  CJ Spiller was a 3rd round pick (Turd), Alfred Morris a 7th rounder (Wombats) and the subject of three different attempted waiver pickups, Adrian Peterson (Semi-P) went for $35 in the auction though he could have been kept for $31, Ray Rice (Disaster) was a $47 keeper, Stevan Ridley (Dunder Mifflin) was a first round pick, 8th overall, Kevin Smith (Wombats) a second round pick, Arian Foster (Dale's Doormats) went for $49, Matt Forte (Turd) went for $41, Frank Gore (Semi-P) was a first round pick (third overall) and Michael Bush (Disaster) went in the fifth round.  Spiller, Morris, Smith and Bush were not in the starting lineups. 

Parenthetically, in addition to the myriad of waiver selections for Alfred E. "What Me Worry" Morris, we had several teams put in for Ashlon Jeffrey.  Let me iterate here, because I would not have thought it something I needed to say - a player needs to be a free agent in order to be eligible for waivers.  If a player is already on another team, you can't get him just by increasing your waiver offer from $31 to $40 (you know who you are).  Sub-parenthetically, two other oddities in the waiver process: the Hundering Turd spent over half their budget on a man with 13 yards rushing on 5 carries; and for the first time in the history of our waiver auction, Dale's Doormats have bid on and won a player, spending $1 on a back-up tight-end.  These two teams have left the Twilight Zone and officially entered .... the Danger Zone (cue the Kenny Loggins).

Among the other strange bits of flotsam and jetsam that washed up during week one, you had Eagles QB put up 27 points despite 4 interceptions a 51.0 QBR, his team scoring 17 and barely edging out the Browns.  Conversely, the Bears QB put up 25 despite leading his team to 48 points and a 98.9 QBR and Patriots QB scored only 21 despite a 117.0 QBR in their rout of the Titans.  You may also note that $3 auction team Jets QB put up 29, 4th best in the league for week one, but even less likely was the Jaguars QB putting up 24, a pick that was widely ridiculed by commentators on this league.  Congratulations are also in order to all owners - 30 team QBs were drafted - the two that were not selected came in 31st and 32nd in fantasy points for week one.  Speaking of the Eagles QB, picture a man, a man with a career QB rating of 80.3, a man who has never thrown for more than 3303 yards in 9 "full" seasons, a man who has started all 16 games in a season exactly one time, a man equally likely to finish 8th or worse in QB fantasy points as he is to be a top 4 guy, and yet a man who routinely goes for among the most money in the auction.  (do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do)

Among the WRs in week one, the leading scorer (Ogletree) was undrafted, as was the 3rd leading scorer.  #2, Julio Jones, was a keeper (Bandits) for $15.  Lance Moore was a 4th round pick by the Turd.  Andre Johnson went for $18 to Dunder.  Demaryius Thomas went for $38 to Dale's Doormats, though only because he was the last WR on the blocks.  Brandon Marshall went for just $11 to the Fatties.  Pierre Garcon was a 4th round pick by the Bandits.  Jeremy Kerley remains a free agent. And Jeremy Maclin was a second round pick by Pep & Cheez. 

The top TEs featured two keepers in Graham and Gronk at 1 and 3, with two free agents at 2 and 6 (Pitta and Lewis), Gonzalez went in the 5th round, Tamme in the 7th, Hernandez was auctioned for $7 and Bennett in the 5th.  Vernon Davis went for $20 but only because he was at the end of the auction.  Among kickers, 7 of the top 14 kickers from week one are still free agents.  And among Ds, #1 and 6 scorers are still free agents.  Congrats to the Sprockets for picking up #32 ranked KC D.

All of that is to set the scene.  If you saw your name in the lights above more often than your opponents, chances are you scored more than they did and, as Joe Thiesman will tell you, that is the key to winning in football, real or imaginary. 

As we already know, two extra-ordinary teams were destined to meet this week, and so it was for the Wombats and Dale's Doormats, with the Wombats alertly leaving Tony Romo on the bench to heighten the tension, leaving it for Flacco to engineer the comeback on Monday Night.  As troubling as Chris Johnson's 4 yards on 7 carries are, the Wombats have Alfred Morris (the flavor of the week for the Shanahans), Kevin Smith and Marshawn Lynch.  The Doormats got a very encouraging game from RG3, though the Skins won't play the Saints again this year, as well as Doug Martin, Arian Foster, Demaryius Thomas and even bench guys like Randy Moss and Alex Smith. 

And as we continue to wend our way through the bizzarre and the sublime, the early leader in the points race is Semi-P.  Even stranger, this is no illusion, with Atlanta QBs living up to the hype for one week at least, Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore doing their thing, Austin, Gronk and Chicago Kickers also in double-digits.  They have no RB depth at all, which will be a problem at some point.  It may be a while before we see David Wilson on the field again.  Only Larry Fitzgerald and Dallas D disappointed this week, but don't they always?  (They don't?)  Dunder Mifflin was the unfortunate team to go against this behemouth, and got a total of 2 points from Welker and Cedric Benson and only 20 from Detroit QBs.  Other than those 3 spots (QB, 2RB and 1WR), the two teams were 61-61, even with Vernon "Equinox" Davis not quite having the ups.  Not that I'm into sadistic beastial necrophilia (that would be beating a dead horse), but if Dunder had only scored more points...

Fatties again look strong, or at least big-boned, putting up 91 despite only 21 from Brady and 1 from Ryan Williams, alertly leaving $43 auction RB MJD on the bench.  It didn't cost them, but it could have if I/T had started either Nate Washington over Heyward-Bey or Heath Miller over Jermaine Gresham. 

The Red Bandits put up a sterling 82 against the Sprockets (not Serling 82 though), easily good enough to edge them out with Marm Sanchow and Reggie "Jeb" Bush tied behind their backs.  For the Sprockets, having to pick between Legarrett Blount and Kendall Hunter was like choosing between asparagus flavored shots and asparagus.  And having only one team D and having that D be the 32nd ranked D in fantasy football, well, one gets what one deserves. 

Natural Disaster overcame Fragile Fred Jackson's injury (a 30-year old RB gets hurt?  Eerie!) and only 9 points from their four WRs combined to edge out Pep & Cheez.  The good news for Pep & Cheez is the depth of their WR corps, getting 8 each from Admiral Jordy Nelson, and "Dez Dispenser" Bryant as well as 12 from Brandon LaFell, 14 from Ashlon Jeffrey and 15 from Jeremy Maclin.  Obviously Jeffrey or Maclin would have been enough for the W.  Also good news, Charles and Sproles both looked healthy, which is particularly good because neither Redman nor Mendenhall played for the Steelers and Bernard Pierce and Taiwan Jones combined for 1.  Yep, they have 4 RBs on their bench and totaled 3 points.  The Disaster's 4 RB bench scored 31, so they got that going for them, which is nice.

Second to last and second to least, the Turd put up 81 to edge out the Camel Jockeys, getting 31 from Brees, 18 from Forte and 8 from McGahee.  The best news of the week for the Turd, even better than winning one game perhaps, was the injury to Fragile Fred Jackson and the 18-point effort from CJ Spiller.  The Camel Jox had little to cheer about, starting with Victor Cruz running from the ball like it was a 300-pound salsa dancer.  They did have sufficient points to earn a tie had they elected to start Ben Roofiesberger against Denver instead of Old Man Rivers against Oakland.  McFadden and Greene looked healthy and strong, but getting 3 points from their three bench RBs was cause for concern (and the axing of one of said RBs). 

And lastly, we come to the defending champion Gumpsters putting up a mere 77, a score good enough to beat just 3 teams in the league, but (do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do) they were playing against one of those teams!  Brokerage got a total of 5 points from the 5 RBs on their roster, though they did get 27 from Vick and a decent performance from Harvin, AJ Green, DeSean Jackson and Danny Amendola.  For the Gumpsters, they got a 63-yards FG from David Akers, 14 from Bradshaw and 303 yards passing from Cam "Sir Fig" Newton and another defensive TD from Ed Reed to cement the win.  The strange thing is that with all these performances, they got only 77!

Watchdog 2012 "Hope and Change II"

Ah the annual post-draft pre-season predictions, the first of at least 10 pre-season predictions the Watchdog will be rolling out as the season goes on, taking our cue as always from Bill Gray and company at the Hurricane Center. So who won the draft this year? Given the Democratic National Convention and the election, let's take a page from the Daily Show and break it down with a nod to the vageries of our political system!

Dale's Doormats are perhaps the Herman Cain of the draft. As the early front-runner, it seemed all they needed to do was not screw things up. They waited and waited while player after player went for way too much money before making a play for Arian Foster, a fine guy to take the plunge with. But to end up with Damarius Thomas as your only other guy in the auction? One has to wonder if he'd trade Demarius Thomas and Green Bay Kickers for Aaron Rodgers (if he could have had GB QB for $41). I'm still not sure how GB D ended up in the top 7 for pre-season projections based on being #31 last year, but any time you can spend $2 on the 31st best D in the league, you gotta do it!They had the first pick in the draft section which they alertly tried to trade for the #2 overall pick. Overall, a lot seems to ride on Doug Martin and either RG3 or Alex Smith being good.
 

The Fatties look like Obama 2008 - an unstoppable machine of polish and bluster going up against an old guy and the political version of a pin-up doll. "Yes we can" indeed! It'll be interesting to see what twist of fate will ruin their chances this year. They have Brady, MJD, Green-Ellis, Ryan Williams, Brandon Marshall, the Smith brothers (Steve and Torrey), Jacob Tamme (Peyton's security blanket), Bears D and Miami K. It would seem hard for this team to miss the playoffs! Not crazy about Brandon Jennings, but as a handcuff to MJD, it's not the worst pick of the draft.

Semi-P looks like Obama 2012 - their slogan this year is "Yes we can, but..." If you believe all the hype about Matty Ice with Roddy and Julio down by the schoolyard to throw to, and if Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore can stay healthy, having Fitzgerald, Austin, Rice, Gronkowski, Bears K and Dallas D should be a great team. There are a couple of obvious ways for them to miss, starting with David Wilson's fumble last night that led to his benching. Did he really fumble once every 42 touches at VaTech? That wasn't a typo last night? Peterson and Gore both have a lot of miles on them and Ryan has never been an elite QB. Fitzgerald is all-world talent-wise but has no one to throw him the ball. Can they win it all? Yes they can - but...

Pep and Cheez are the Bill Clintons of the draft. Remember when Jamaal Charles, Rashad Mendenhall, Matt Schaub and our economy were all healthy? Remember when Darren Sproles played for a team that hadn't been convicted of illegally trying to take out their competition? Remember when Vinatieri hit all those game-winning kicks and you said "yes a kicker can get into the hall of fame" and "yes a fat, dope-smoking, filandering criminal from the 48th smartest state in the country can be a fondly-remembered president!" Four more years!

The Wombats are clearly the Mitt Romney of the draft. Good looking QB with great numbers who seemingly always steps in a pile of doo-doo of his own making at exactly the wrong time, the trophy wife in Lynch and Chris Johnson (they look good, or at least they once did), over-drafting Peyton Manning's old and new favorite receivers is much like picking a guy with two first names as your running mate - sure, he looks good, but which is it, Paul Ryan or Ryan Paul? Which is it? Did Manning make Wayne great and thus will make Decker great? Or was Wayne already great (and if so, why didn't he show up last year) and Decker is this year's Austin Collie? With all that said, like Sir Mittford, they don't have to say or do much to make it to the finals.

I/T is like the Ron Paul of the draft. He's the guy with no funds, no supporters, and no draft picks who has some of the best ideas and you think "now why doesn't he win?" Oh yes, because he's old. And so their season will hinge on the right hinge of Peyton Manning not coming unhinged and the right and left knees of Trent Richardson. Steven Jackson seems to still have some tread on the tires and getting his backup in Pead in the 10th round was astute. And despite not picking a WR or TE until the 3rd round, they have six legit starters in Stevie Johnson, Hey-ward-Bey, Nate Boom-Boom Washington and Laurent Robinson at WR and Jermaine to the conversation Greshem and Heath Miller.

Natural Disaster would then be the Libertarian Party of the draft - you look at their party platform and say "yeah, I agree with all that" but there's no way in hell they're winning because they can't get anyone sane to lead the damn thing! First of all, after years of maligning Jay "More Chins than a Chinese Phonebook" Cutler, they have indeed selected him (them?) to lead the damn thing. That said, Ray Rice, Fred Jackson, Donald Duck Dunn Brown, Michael Bush, Hakeem Nicks, Brandon Lloyd, Kenny Britt, Brent Celek, Jets D - "yeah, I agree with all that!"

Dunder Mifflin is like the Donald - a strong businessman like Matthew "Mr. 5000" Stafford and a great TV host like Wes "100 Catches a Year" Welker (OK, not the catchiest of nicknames). Believe it or not, I do like Ridley, Benson and LeShoure and Tony Gonzalez doesn't stink either. But even they can't disguise the reality underneath: coming out of the auction with Andre "Oooh My Groin" Johnson, Vernon "Nice Block" Davis and a kicker. There's $55 well spent!





The Sprockets, or 2/3 Kosher or whatever they're calling themselves now, are the Ron Reagan of the draft. They got the Star Wars done with GB QB, DeMarco Murray, Megatron, Mike Wallace and Aaron Hernandez and people look at him (them) as unbeatable. But in reality, he was senile for a good portion of his time in office (and a good portion of the draft - as evidenced by picking Carson Palmer in the 3rd round or at all, injured Jonathan Stewart, benched LeGarrette Blount, and the awesome KC D. Is it enough to take down the Soviet Union and win the Cold War?

The Red Bandits are the US Economy of the draft. Three years ago, they won the whole thing, since then, a Toilet Bowl and a Constipation Bowl championship and things seem to generally be heading in the wrong direction. But things may be looking up! "Can't spell Elite without 'Eli'", LeShaun McCoy, Reggie Bush (no relation), Peyton Hillis, Julio Jones, Pierre Garcon and Jason Witten - it's a bunch of positive job reports that have the stock market tanking month after month. Good luck!

Which leads us to the Sarah Palin of the draft - Team Brokerage! They look F-I-N-E fine but is there anything there? Philly QBs, Ryan Matthews, DeAngelo Williams, Percy Harvin and Antonio Gates are all really sexy picks, but will they produce or end up on the IR? Helu and Royster? That has "Shanahanized" written all over it. But they are easy to look at...



Team Gump is the Chris Christie of the draft - you wish it was four years from now so they'd run but at the same time, he's so damn fat you wonder if he'll make it that long. Cam Newton, Andrew Luck, Justin Blackmon, Michael Floyd - these are exciting young ideas! Michael Turner, Ahmad Bradshaw, Ray Lewis and Baltimore D? These guys have logged a lot of miles.

Kumar (now the Camel Jockeys) are clearly the Jeb Bush of the draft. Nobody wants them to run, but they scare the crap out of you anyway. Rivers and Roofiesberger, McFadden, Green and New Orleans RBs (Ingram and Thomas), Cruz, Jennings, Brown and the up and coming Titus Young, Pettigrew, Dallas Kicker and Philly D. Could this be their year? Or will we have to wait for 2016?

Last but not least, the Turd is the John McCain of the draft. OK, 10 out of 10 for being a war hero and a maverick and for drafting Brees, Forte, Colston, V Jax and Giants D. But minus several million for picking Beanie "Turf Toe" Wells, CJ "Kick returner" Spiller and Michael "if it was the holdout, shouldn't he be good by now" Crabtree, in much the same way that McCain may have blown the election with his choice of a running mate.

So who will win it all?  In the Canes Division it looks like all Republicans - Reagan, Jeb Bush and McCain (Sprockets, Kumar/Camels and Turd).  In the Quakes Division, it's Obama '08 vs Obama '12 vs Romney (the Fatties, Semi-P and Wombats)!  I guarantee it (or else I'll make another prediction later which may or may not be more accurate)!