Watchdog Week 12 - Better Off Dead

This may have been a better theme to pick for the week when the Turd played Natural Disaster, but who am I to argue with what I've been given to work with? 

Lane Myer: Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching "The Wide World of Sports." So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?

There is exactly one playoff spot up for grabs and the battle will be between the Fatties (7-4-1) and the aforementioned Disaster.  ND will face the already-whining Team Brokerage while the Fatties square off against the Hundering Turd.  Since Brokerage has already been whining about the trade between the Turd and Disaster, it seems the whole thing is coming full circle.  At this point, the Turd do not seem to be "resting their starters" which is going to make the Fatties earn their way in.  The website is predicting a 107-102 victory for the Turd - hardly decisive and a high-scoring epic. 

The Turd and Semi-P have locked up their divisions, Dale's Doormats have locked up a playoff spot and the Chamberlain Scoring Title and the other 

Monique Junot: I figured if we had nothing to say to each other he would get bored; go away. But instead he uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me.
Lane Myer: Excuse me?
Monique Junot: You know, like octopus? Testicles?
Lane Myer: Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Tentacles; big Difference.

There were two games apparently decided by one point in week 11.  Or were there?  Dale's Doormats received 2 extra points when Arian Foster was somehow awarded an extra 13 yards rushing the following week, bringing his total from 77 to 90 and changing the outcome of the Doormats-Turd battle from a 105-104 Turd victory to a 106-105 Doormat win.  Tom-foolery?  Shenanigans?  Back-door negotiating?  A full investigation is underway with all the resources the PCFFL has available. 

And the Fatties were initially awarded a 73-72 win over Team Brokerage, but somehow a week later, Cincy D came up with a phantom sack, turning the loss into a tie.  Now in the Foster/Texans game, you can look up the box score and see that he ran for 90 yards.  Hard to argue with that.  If you look up the Cincy game from week 11, four guys are listed with 1 sack each and Cincy D with a team total of 3.  So which is it?  According to nfl.com, the team did have four, so that's what we're going with.  The upshot for the Fatties is not all that different either way - if they win, they advance, if they lose, and Disaster wins, they're out.  If they had won in week 11, they'd be in nearly the same spot but would have one extra advantage and that would be if they end up losing this week and Disaster wins, but Fatties would out-score Disaster by more than 33, they'd win the tie-breaker.  Since that seems unlikely, I'm going to let this one rest.  For now.  If that is exactly how this plays out, I'll investigate the Cincy Week 11 game further.

But the upshot of the Doormats' "come from behind" victory (the fantasy equivalent of the "Fail Mary"?), is that DD have a playoff spot locked up instead of having to win this week, so it's two teams fighting for one spot instead of three vying for 2 spots.  And of course, as always, it's the Turd in the middle of the punchbowl (if you will).  Anyway, it's the difference between "S-T" and "N-T" in "tenticles."  Small change, big difference!

Every year, the Watchdog has to chase one or two teams down for their league dues.  You know who you are. 

  Paperboy:   Four weeks, twenty papers, thats two dollars. Lloyd: Sorry, I don't got a dime. Paperboy: Don't want a dime. Two dollars. Lloyd: Its a funny story, you see my mom had to leave early to take my little brother to school and my dad to work so.. Paperboy: [threateningly] Two dollars. Lloyd: The thing is, this morning my little brother got his arm caught in the microwave and my mom had to take him to the hospital, then my grandma dropped some acid and she kinda freaked out and hijacked a schoolbus...full of penguins. So its kinda a family emergency so if you could just come back later? Thanks.

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but Semi-P lost their second straight game as their WRs combined for 3 points.  Will Cecil Shorts (CS3) work his way into the lineup? Can you bench Larry Fitzgerald or Miles Austin?  Semi-P won't play a game that matters between week 10 and week 15.
 
Paperboy: Two dollars!



Charles De Mar: I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.

Now I've been playing fantasy football for nearly 20 years now and I'm no dummy.  And yet, I'm an idiot, a complete moron.  Case in point:  Disaster has three lineup "decisions" to make this week against a frisky Dunder Mifflin team who was forecast to score 105 but only put up 102, and moreover, negated Calvin Johnson with Matthew Stafford.  Choice one:  Conor Barth or Adam Vinatieri at K.  Got this one right, yielding 3 extra points (ba-dum-bump).  Choice two:  injured but playing Fred Jackson against Indy, or Andre Brown against the Pack with starter Ahmad Bradshaw missing practice all week and Brown having scored a TD in 4 straight games.  Picked Jackson, lost 11 points in the move.  And choice #3 - 49ers D against Brees and the Saints or Carolina D against Philadelphia's back-ups (Foles, Bryce Brown and company).  Being down 80-20 after the Thursday game, I felt that Brees and SF D were unlikely to both have big games and that we'd need a big game to win.  I went with Carolina.  Lost 14 points in the trade, though they dropped at least 2 pick-sixes - the 9ers did not drop theirs.  Lost by 8 points.  Now that would be one thing if it was a one-time thing, but in three of ND's other four losses, the winning points were left on the bench.  Which would be one thing if it was a one-season thing, but ND brought in Coach Morrison to "help keep Dave away from Stupid."  It has not worked.  Stupid has moved into the apartment over the garage and is cleaning out ND's fridge every night.  As such, Coach Ingrey has been fired, and Coach Morrison has been put in charge of the lineup.  You read that right.  D-Mo, don't mess it up!   

Charles De Mar: This is pure snow! It's everywhere! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Dunder Mifflin, by the way, currently has the second most points scored in the Canes' Division and fifth-most in the league and will miss the playoffs at 4-8.  Those pesky 6-game losing streaks can really dampen your chances in a given year.  Eight times this season the Dundies have faced a team that scored 94 or more, winning just one of those contests.  By contrast, Semi-P has played an opponent who put up more than 83 in a game just twice and won one of those two contests. 

Yee Sook Ree: Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.

Speaking of being badly beaten, but not out, the Sprockets won for the second time, ending the season for Pep & Cheez (or at least relegating them to the Toilet Bowl) after alertly scooping up Bryce Brown (178 yards, 2 TD, 30 points) after missing out on Knowshon Moreno by a matter of minutes and a technicality.  OK, they weren't the first team to try to drop someone who had already played that week, so this seems like a good time to point out that YOU CAN'T DO THAT in order to pick up someone who hasn't played yet.  Nevertheless, the Sprockets were without daunts.  Didn't even matter that Mike Wallace was fired from 60 Minutes or whatever he did to put up ZERO points (1 catch for 9 yards against CLEVELAND).  Or that Aaron Rodgers got Discount Double-Checked right out of the game against the G-MEN!  When you see Graham Harrell under center for the Pack, it's either a really good thing or a reeeeeaaally bad thing.  It was not good.

Tree Trimmer: Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

The other key game this past weekend was the Fatties putting up 105 and then relying on Team Gump to pull a "Disaster" by benching last year's "can't miss" guy Cam Newton in favor of this year's in Andrew Luck, and by leaving Bradshaw out in favor of either Felix Jones or Michael Turner.  So in essense, they should have thrown out the white boy...  However, a loss by the Fatties in week 12 would have put much more controversy into the week 11 strangeness.

Language lessons. Inspired words from a man who knows how to ski.

So Dale's Doormats put up their third high-score for the season and, with a 77-point lead on Semi-P, have put a strangle-hold on the Chamberlain.  How did they do it?  "Language lessons?"  Inspired words indeed!  Two great RBs, and two good / potentially great QBs in SF and Bob Griffin Jr-Jr.  And they spent nearly half their auction on Peyton Manning's likely #1 target in Demaryius Thomas (#5 WR in the league) and you have a team.  When BGJr-Jr panned out, their victory was assured.

With all that being said, it must be time for Dr. Gray's pre-post-season predictions!  Tune in next week to find out what they are! 

Watchdog Week 11 - Hasta la vista?

Not so fasta.  In what figured to be a week where at least a few teams heard "Hasta," in fact, no one saw their season terminated.  OK, technically the Wombats did, but they had already announced the firesale, so I'm not sure that counts.  And yes, I/T is on life support, but we'll get to that directly.  Is it possible that either Gump or the Camel Jockeys can make the playoffs?  Is it possible that Dale's Doormats can lead the league in points and miss?  Just like in T1, T2, T3, TS and the TV show, no one ever really dies, they just keep crawling back for more!

 

Well, the old Watchdog double-jinx finally tripped up Semi-P as going into the Monday Night game, all they needed was 12 points with Gore and Gould going.  Gore did his part with 7, but no Cutler does not equal no problem for the Bears and the dream of the undefeated season dies for Semi-P.  The point is moot, as I mentioned last week - SP already has the division sewn up.  If you're looking for trouble, Gronkowski's broken wrist on the Pat's PAT to get New England up to 59 on the day will keep him out of the next two fantasy games and probably SP's first playoff game (in week 14).  Gronk accounted for 25 of SP's 50 points scored on Sunday.  Though the Camel Jockeys are 4-7 now, they had Ben Roofiesberger, McFadden and Jennings injured, Marshawn Lynch and Victor Cruz on a bye this week.  Oh, and the Eagles D quit.  That's a pretty good team on the bench and the Jockeys still won without them.  Oh by the way, Matty Ice was looking more like Vanilla Ice with his 5 INTs.  And yet if he'd thrown just one TD...  And while Semi-P may be full of holes for one week, as Robert Patrick says here - his sister shot him full of holes once.  Once. 

"Your clothes.  Give them to me."  In this week's Battle of the Century, the Hundering Turd held on to defeat Dale's Doormats 105-104, despite DD taking a commanding lead in the Chamberlain Scoring race.  As usual, these were two of the three teams to  score over 86 points this week facing off.  So far this season, 8 times in 11 weeks two of the top 5 scoring teams for the week playing each other.  As a result, Dale's Doormats are now in 5th place with two to play (against the aforementioned Camel Jockeys this week and the occasionally dangerous Red Bandits next week).  It appears winning both games will be crucial as they need at least two teams ahead of them to lose at least once.  Dale could become the first team in league history to lead the league in scoring and make the Toilet Bowl (otherwise, he would be one of four other teams since 2002 to lead the league in scoring and finish 3rd in his division). 

The Turd, meanwhile, locked up their division, opening up a 3-game lead with 2 to play.  Presumably the debate over whether or not to rest their starters is already in full force in Hunderingville, with Cutler riding the pines last night with a widdle headache.  Awwww....  (now that's a concussion!)






"Did you call moi a dips***?" Pep 'n' Cheez, desperate for a win, came up with their first high points week of the season, putting up 108 on the suddenly lethargic Red Bandits.  527 yards passing and 5 TD will help get that total up there.  That ties Schaub with Warren Moon for the second-most passing yards in a game in NFL history, but 27 yards behind the mortal Norm Van Brocklin.  Van Brocklin and Schaub had 5 TD passes, Moon a mere 3.  By the way, Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch had 9 catches for 176 yards and 4 TD receptions in the Van Brocklin game in 1951.  Their victim?  The New York Yankees.  Well, that explains everything, does it not?  The Yankees were never known for their pass defense, even when ARod was in his prime or back in the day when Mickey Mantle was patrolling center.  This is Schaub's second career game with 490 or more yards passing.  The only other player to do that was Boomer Esiason (522 and 490).  So how is it that Schaub and the Texans QBs are currently 16th in fantasy points?  And coming into this week (that is, not including the 51), he was averaging 17.2 PPG, just behind Arizona, Cutler, Eli, and just ahead of Seattle, St. Louis, Minnesota and the Jets. 

"Hasta la vista baby."  Meanwhile, what has happened to the Red Bandits?  They were 6-2 a few short weeks ago and still have a magic number of just 1 to make the playoffs, but the last 3 weeks, they've scored 66, 66 and 49.  And when you look at their roster, LeSean McCoy and Eli were the only guys capable of putting up 30 in a given game and now McCoy is out for week 12 and Eli hasn't topped 20 since week 5 against Cleveland.  OK, Reggie Bush has 31 in week 2 against Oakland, but doesn't everyone put up 30+ against Oakland?  Against everyone else, his high for the season is 12. 

The Fatties won a must-win game against Team Brokerage with just enough (73-72).  Both teams left big games on their benches from back-up QBs (Freeman had 31 for Brokerage, Chad Henne had 39 for the Fatties).  The Fatties got further good news with Willis McGahee going down for the rest of the regular season, making Ronnie Hillman the #1 RB in Denver.  As long as MJD is out, that will be key for the Corpulent Ones.  Brokerage still has Percy Harvin coming back from his bye week and DeMarco Murray coming back from injury, though probably not until at least week 13.  Their magic number remains 1 also to make the Enchilada, though with the tie-breaker of points scored, they'd have to fall apart completely to miss even at 6-7.  Brokerage has to still figure out what to do with Harvard Fitzgerald, who has averaged 28 points per game in 6 of his starts and 7 PPG in his other four starts.  The Fatties slide into a playoff spot if the season ended today, despite having the 6th most points in the Quakes Division. 

The Dundies continue their late-season surge, with their second straight win, this time dealing a big blow to I/T's playoff hopes.  By points per game, the Dundies are the 3rd best scoring team in the Canes Division but have been eliminated from Enchilada contention due to having 107 more points per game scored against them than the league average (or 24 points per game more than Semi-P).  For I/T, their game and perhaps their season came down to the inexcusable decision to start Tampa Bay D (4 points) over New England (21 points).  Or was it inexcusable?  Going into the week, TB had scored 80 points and was facing an anemic and troubled Carolina team.  New England had scored 79 and was facing a hot Indy team.  The only two points in New England's favor - newly acquired Aqib Talib made his first start for them (and had a pick-6) and they were playing at home.  Still, a defensible decision for the defense, I think.  And now I/T is 2 back with 2 to play. 

 "It's definitely you."  Is that the Justin Blackmon the Jags thought they were drafting?  That is a weapon!  Team Gump also managed to stay alive (barely) with a convincing 92-79 win over the Wombats, breaking that pesky 5-game losing streak.  The Gumpsters are 17 points behind the Red Bandits in total points but if first round NFL draft pick Justin Blackmon can come anywhere close to his 29-point outburst as opposed to the 29 points he'd accumulated in his previous 9 games total, Gump might just do their part and win out against the Fatties and I/T.  Alertly picking up Kyle Rudolph when Natural Disaster inexplicably dropped him could also pay off big. 

"The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves."  ND moved into second place in the Quakes division behind recently acquired Drew Brees and even more recently-acquired Calvin Johnson and the 49ers D demolishing the Bears.  Just because their draft stunk, doesn't mean they have to settle for "also-ran".  No one else did much of anything as they edged the now 1-10 Sprockets.  Not sure what the picture here has to do with the theme of the day, but Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Watchdog Week 10 - Stop that Rhyming Now, I Meant It!

So here we are again with just 3 weeks left before the end of the regular fantasy season.  What do we know?  Who will win it all?  How good is Semi-P?  Let me put it this way.  Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?  Morons.  Who will find the secret way in, rescue the Man In Black, save the princess, avenge their father and win the Enchilada?  Same answer!  That's a fargin' trick question!  (Oops, wrong movie!)


It seems like the mediocrity has filtered out of the Canes division, as the Sprockets and Dundies have been eliminated from Enchilada contention and the Gumpsters and Camel Jockeys have a magic number of just one - if either of them loses one of their next three games or Brokerage and the Bandits win one, they are out.  And we know the Turd continues to reign supreme despite the shellacking they received this past week at the hands of the aforementioned Semi-P.  As the Man In Black said, "Life is pain.  Anyone who says differently is selling something."

In the Quakes division, things are a bit more muddled.  Semi-P has locked up the division championship already, an event unprecedented and never before seen (as reported from the Department of Redundancy Department).  And the Wombats also have a magic number of 1, being three back with three to play.  The other five teams in the division all have a pretty good chance of finishing 8-5 on the season.  Remember, the first tie-breaker is points scored, not head-to-head which I believe would be unfair if the one matchup happened in a week when one team had its key player(s) on a bye. 

So question number one on everyone's mind - can Semi-P go undefeated?  The answer of course is "inconceivable."  It is impossible, unprecedented and in every other way inconceivable.  That said, their path to the undefeated regular season is "blocked" by the Camel Jockeys (3-7), the Red Bandits (6-4) and the Sprockets (1-9).  They've already earned a bye week for week 14.  What kind of season are they having?  Larry Fitzgerald is on a bye so they pick up Cecil Shorts III (CS3?) and he puts up a career high 16 points.  And oh by the way, another top fantasy team puts up a mediocre 68 points when Semi-P shows up on the schedule.  All that is to say, maybe that word doesn't mean what I think it means?


Dale's Doormats are 14 points behind Semi-P but due to having had 175 more points scored against them, come in at 6-4 and could conceivably miss the Enchilada playoffs.  Their three remaining games are vs the Turd (8-2), the Camel Jockeys (3-7) and the Red Bandits (6-4).  Presumably, with a 154-point lead over the 4th, 5th and 6th place teams, they will hold onto the first tie-breaker and make the playoffs with two more wins.  The Doormats have the two best RBs in the league in Foster and Martin and a "pack" of pretty good WR in Mike Williams, Demayrius Thomas and Dwayne Bowe.  Will Bob Griffin Jr-Jr revert to his early season form when he was as unstoppable as the Dread Pirate Roberts?  Or will he continue to be mostly dead, and put up 13s as he has his last two weeks?  Can Dale's Doormats storm the castle and make a run at the Enchilada?  It'll take a miracle.

With Natural Disaster, letting them lurk around and maybe make the playoffs is a huge mistake.  Possibly as big as getting involved in a land war in Asia, but easily as big as going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.  It would be hard to see this team finishing 7-6 with Brees, Rice and Colston and recently-acquired Calvin Johnson (gave up Britt and their #1 pick in 2013)  If Fred Jackson gets healthy and/or Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't (and Andre Brown takes over as the Giants #1 RB), ND could make this the Year of the Disaster in a fantasy football sense as well as in a reinsurance sense.  They currently hold a 31-point lead over the Fatties for 3rd place. Their remaining games are against the Sprockets (1-9), Dundies (2-8) and Brokerage (6-4).  I just hope none of these players are susceptible to iocane powder.  (By the way, how does Prince Humperdink determine by smelling the vial that it contained iocane?  It was supposed to be odorless!)

The Fatties picked a terrible time to put up a "double nickel" (putting up just 55 and losing to the now 2-8 Dundies).  They are now on the "all dead" side as opposed to "mostly dead" and as you know, with all dead, there's only one thing you can do - go through their pockets for spare change (get it?  Double nickel?  Ha!)  But, as the Fatties will be quick to remind - being mostly dead is the same as being partly alive.  And with Brady, Green-Ellis and Brandon Marshall, and with Jones-Drew due back any time (except this week) from a sprained foot, they too could be ready for a miracle.

There is an I in Inigo - in fact two I's but not right together - and There is an I in I/T.  Coincidence?  I don't think!  Can I/T make a run at the Enchilada?  Well, up next is a game with the Dundies, who killed I/T's father and are now preparing to die.  After that is a game with Brokerage, who also killed their father and are now preparing to die.  And lastly a game with the Gumpsters, who killed I/T's father and are - OK!  I'll stop saying that!  Anyway, they have two winnable games and one harder one (you can decide which is which), meaning that 8-5 is a real possibility. 


And then there's Pep and Cheez, who play the Bandits, Sprockets and Dundies, again one tougher game and two "more winnable" games.  After three straight games in the low 70s, they hit 99 against the Camels and could be peaking at the right time.  If only Schaub had to work harder to win games for Houston!  They have Jamaal Charles, Maclin, Dez, Jimmy Graham, Jordy Nelson, Sproles (when healthy) and Pittsburgh RB.  Would Green Bay QBs be available by trade?  This is a nearly perfect team and perfect teams are a shame to waste. 

Ah, the torture of fantasy football!  Two fateful decisions hit the Wombats hard this week - leaving Flacco and Calvin Johnson on the bench.  When I asked if Coach Moose had trouble getting online in the wake of Sandy and he said no, he meant to do that.  And so the Wombats lose by 1 to the Brokerages and are essentially eliminated from playoff contention.  Now they've just lost one year off their fantasy football life.  Coach, can you describe your feelings at this point? 

So the Turd laid a stinky one this week.  Rest assured, they do not get eaten by the eels at this time.  Hey, we all have games where it's like we got thrown overboard into eel infested waters  (even Semi-P put up 67 and 75 earlier this season).  Red Rifle put up 31 of the 65 points.  Nicks showed up, even if the rest of the Giants didn't, and they continue to carry at least three legit starting RBs.  They all but have the division secure, so an upcoming schedule of Dale's Doormats (#2 scoring team in the league), Wombats and Fatties shouldn't make them soil themselves.  The Turd does make the playoffs.  I'm explaining to you because you look nervous.  OK, "concerned."   

And who bested the Turd this week?  That would be Team Brokerage, who survived injuries to DeMarco Murray and Percy Harvin and stepped closer to completing their goal of starting a war with Florin, global domination, or just winning the Enchilada Bowl.  With games remaining against the Fatties, I/T and Natural Disaster and needing just one win or a loss by Gump and the Camels to lock up a berth in the Enchilada, all they need to do is get healthy.   That way, they can face the Turd in the playoffs, as God intended.  Sportsmanlike.  No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.  It's not Brokerage's fault they're the biggest and strongest.  They don't even exercise. 

It turns out you can spell "elite" without Eli.  Even the Watchdog's patent double reverse jinx-o-rama didn't bring Eli out of his slump.  Unfortunately, that means the Red Bandits have now lost two in a row and their chances of winning the division are no better now than they were a month ago.  However, their chances of making the Enchilada playoffs remain as strong as ever.  If Reggie the Vacator and McCoy can find the end zone once or twice they've got a chance at making a run.  Don't count on the Bandits winning much the rest of the regular season though, with games against Pep and Cheez, Semi-P and the Doormats remaining.  7-6 would be an achievement.  Get healthy, get Eli back on a roll.  Survive and advance.  Because winning the Enchilada is possible, Pig.  It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that the Bandits are only lying there losing two in a row because they lack the strength to win a game.  But then again... 

Watchdog Week 9 - Ladies and Gentlemen, your Durham Bulls!

Just when you thought Sandy had washed out another week of the Watchdog!  Or did you even miss it?  I'm glad to say the Watchdog is back and as good as ever, or your money back (on the column, not on the league fees)! 

 'Course, what the Watchdog gives lasts a lifetime; what you give lasts 16 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of fantasy football - now who can forget Hakeem Nicks for Drew Brees, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church  ** *******(edited out for accuracy).


Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche.

I'm not saying Semi-P is "meat".  So far, it does look like they have a Porsche with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt and everything.  I am saying they could stand to learn to throw a breaking ball.  I am pointing out that they have had by far the fewest points scored against them in the league, 48 fewer than the Fatties who are in at #13 and 252 points fewer than the Dundies (who just took over the #1 spot from the Sprockets) - that's 28 points per game.  They snuck past the Gumpsters this week by 4 and that was their first win by fewer than 10 points since week 2.  I'd be more excited about this team if they had a second RB (David Wilson started this week and did not touch the ball on offense) and/or if they had a WR who had a QB that could start in a flag football league (Fitzgerald, Austin and Sidney Rice).  They got Matty Ice and Adrian Peterson and so far that's been enough. 

Crash Davis: Well, he really hit the s*** outta that one, didn't he?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I held it like an egg.
Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the f***ing bull! Guy gets a free steak!

Dunder Mifflin and the Sprockets can be mathematically eliminated from contention for an Echilada spot with one more loss or a win by Team Brokerage.  They will get a free steak though, and of course, we thank them for playing! 

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash Davis: He did know.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How?
Crash Davis: I told him.

The highest scoring team in the league through 9 weeks is Dale's Doormats, who put up a mere 131 this week.  Doug Martin, the diminutive one from Boise State, put up over 1/3 of his points in the season in one game.  And even though you knew he was getting the ball, the Raiders didn't seem to be able to catch up to his fastball.  

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.

As seems to always happen, there were just three teams to score over 100 points and two of them played each other. In this case the undeserving loser was Team Brokerage. As Nuke LaLoosh said though, sometime you win... Question is, whether we've seen the last of Michael Vick as a fantasy starter. A fourth straight strong performance by Josh Freeman makes it in doubt as much as whether or not the Eagles continue to run him out there.

Joe Reardon: He walked 18.
Larry: New league record!
Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.
Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice... Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious s***.

It's a little vague in the course of the movie, but it appears that Nuke won his first professional start that is being described above.  The Camel Jockeys were not quite as fortunate, with McFadden going down after just 17 yards rushing.  While Natural Disaster was cheering McFadden's annual trip to the injury list, their own Raider RB went down with the exact same injury.  So much for shadenfreude! 

Annie Savoy: The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness.

The Turd continues to roll on, blissfully unaware that Jay Cutler is a better fantasy QB than Andy Dalton and nearly untouched in the loss column.  With Spiller healthy and no obvious holes, the Turd is just trying to play 'em one day at a time.  Good Lord willing, things will work out.

Crash Davis: You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club.

Team Gump earns this quote by default as I think the only team that left winning points on the bench this week, starting Ahmad Bradshaw over Felix Jones.  Can't say it's terribly a propos, but it is one of my favorite quotes from this or any movie and therefore had to be in here.  Anyway the Gumpsters are 2 behind Brokerage with 4 to play, through they've scored 113 fewer points on the season.  Things look bleak for the defending champs, but as Forrest will tell you, he's not a pretty face.


Crash Davis: The rose goes in the front, big guy.

Poor Pep & Cheez made their beds with Pittsburgh RBs this season and are carrying three of them currently.  Fortunately as a group, they have been worth it, much like Nuke may have found for his reason for wearing women's underwear when he pitched.  As a group, they're averaging 10.7 ppg.  Clearly this is a team that knows where the rose goes.

Annie Savoy: What do you believe in, then?
Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
Crash Davis: Goodnight.
Annie Savoy: Oh my. Crash...
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?

I have long thought it was ironic that in one of Costner's best speeches in his career, he opines that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and just three years later made a gazillion dollars showing conclusively that there was a second spitter, there on the gravelly hill (Roger McDowell!). 


Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!
Larry: Lollygaggers!
Skip: Lollygaggers.

Do you see Eli in the back there?  He's lollygagging his way in and out of the huddle.  Lollygagging his way through three quarters of the game, relying on his "fourth quarter magic" to pull out the victory?  Do you know what that makes him, Red Bandits? 5 points for "Can't spell Elite" this week, and a total of 44 in the last 4 weeks.  Yikes.  (Makes him due for a breakout this week when his team plays Natural Disaster.) 

Crash Davis: I wouldn't dig in if I was you. Next one might be at your head. I don't know where it's gonna go. Swear to God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euHfP6X_axY

I tried to find a picture of the bull getting whacked but it's funnier on video.  Anyway, the Fatties put 105 points with Tom Brady tied behind their backs. It was just enough to edge out the Sprockets (and cover the 32.5 point spread).  Next week's opponent better not get to comfortable in there (that's you, Dundies)!

Larry: Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?
Crash Davis: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.  Is that about right? We're dealing with a lot of s***.
Larry: Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two!

For I in I/T, they had to deal with some serious s*** this past week, trying to get through Sandy. They did get a late lineup change in time to put in Baltimore K and TB D though the league hasn't registered it yet. Didn't affect the outcome of the game, fortunately. Check out these last 5 games by Peyton Manning: 31, 31, 30, 30 and 29. Not sure if that's a new league record, but I've never seen a standard deviation so low! After a huge win against the Red Bandints, I/T is just one game behind a playoff spot with 4 to play.  

Crash Davis:  Nobody gets wooly, God I hate it when people get the words wrong!

This one goes to both the Wombats and the Watchdog.  Chris Johnson ran for 90 or more yards just 4 times last season has now done it 5 of the last six weeks and his next TD will tie last year's total.  So if the song the 'Dog was singing was that CJ2.0 was getting a little wooly, it may be that the lyrics weren't quite right.  And while all that is fine and good, the Wombats are still two games out with four to play, and chasing four teams ahead of them in the standings for that last playoff spot in the Quakes Division.  Can Megatron and a revived (???) CJ2K lead the way for the Wombats?  Or is this team angling for the Toilet Bowl championship?