Watchdog Week 3 - Gettin' Some Cold Cuts Today!

I don't watch a lot of TV and most of what I watch is on DVR so I can skip through the ads.  But for whatever reason, I caught the latest GEICO ad and am I ever glad I did!  There are not many ads that make me laugh even once, much less multiple time, but this one doesn't get old, it just gets funnier.  I believe we have a new designation for the team that wins high points for the week:



Henceforth, that team will be said to be "Getting Some Cold Cuts Today!"  That team in week three is TBD, who appear to be in a two-team race with Dale's Doormats for the Wilt Scoring Title.  Having Nick Foles get into a shootout with Kirk Cousins is not something I thought I'd be excited about this season, or really ever, but that was an excellent football game, complete with bench-clearing brawl.  Of concern going forward for TBD is the fact that Frank "the Riddler" may have finally been relegated to #2 RB in San Francisco and whatever happened to Drew Brees, because Jimmy Graham is looking crackers these days. 



Not to be outdone, we have Dale's Doormats who get the Charlie Daniels "That's How You Do It Son" award for second-most points this week behind Andrew "Luck is Clutch" and Knile Davis, alertly benching Montee Ball against Seattle.  Teddy Bridgewater bears watching as a backup QB this year, and Bishop Sankey finally got some Papal Dispensation to get off the bench for the Titans.  Of concern for the Doormats is Dennis Pitta's injury, but allayed by KC's 2nd year player Travis Kelce.

Since we're on a commercial theme, we'll keep counting them down, with Team Brokerage coming in third for the week with 98.7 points, despite the last-minute substitution of Tannehill over Romo, which still puzzles us, yes it does, Precious.  Still, Maclin, Garcon and Forte with Bengals D makes a tough lineup, along with depth that includes Ahmad Bradshaw (14 points), Taliaferro (15) and Victor Cruz (16) not to mention Josh Gordon waiting ever so patiently for Week 11 and DeAngelo Williams and Doug Martin due back from injury in week 4.  You have to trust that they're going to get healthy and that they're going to get decent QB play, and with Romo, really, what could go wrong?

#4 on the points list for this week we find 2-1 Camel Jockeys, featuring a rather unlikely combo of Cutler, Crowell, Stacy, Dancin' Dan Bailey, Jordy Nelson, Antonio Brown and Delanie Walker, the last three being the core of the team.  Their three QBs (CHI, ARI and NYJ) all were within 2 points of each other, firmly mediocre.  But as the saying goes, there's nothing like bringing in a herd, and there is nothing like bringing your team to the Enchilada Playoffs.  Steven Jackson, Reggie Wayne and Bernard Pierce all figure to be viable pieces before too long.  Could the Camel Jockey's long Enchilada drought finally end this season?

Just getting edged out for 5th most points this week is undefeated I in I/T, who got 50 points from Redskins QBs and Chicago D combined.  One blessing last night was that Geno's big blunder occurred on the second play from scrimmage, saving me the torture of having to watch three hours of a Jets' game.  The bad news for I/T is the Bears D doesn't play the Jets again this season, they feature Trent Richardson and Darren Sproles at RB and have to wait patiently to see what the heck is going to happen with Adrian "All Day" Peterson.  You can point that arrow at 3-0 all you want, I'm not sure it's really pointed up.

There are 5 teams in the league at 1-2, including four in the Quakes Division.  "Topping" the list is #6 scorer for the week, Natural Disaster, along with Team Gump, the Wombats, Pep and Cheez and the Fatties.  When these teams grow up, they want to get to .500.  They want to be brown nosers.  They want to have a brown nose.  You want someone pumping sunshine up your skirt, telling you it'll all be OK and you're going to make the playoffs after all?  I think you've come to the wrong Watchdog.





Is Semi-Precious the worst 2-1 team in the league?  Does Elmer Fudd have trouble with his "Rs"?  What would you say if I told you that the LAST rated Fantasy QB in the entire NFL is named Tom Bwady?  How about if I said the best player on one of the top defenses in the league (Gweg Hahdy for Cawolina) has also been indefinitely sucked into suspensionland?  What about if I said that Cowadelle Pattason is a tewwible woute-wunner?  Or that Wob Gwonkowki is over-weighted and injuwy-pwone?  I have nothing against Phil Dawson though.  Fine kickah. 

Now, Marky Marc, Mike and the Mad Dog are clearly the best 2-1 team of the five, and with Peyton not having to play against Seattle again this year, they figure to win their share just based on that.  Add in AJ Green, Michael Crabtree and passable RBs Chris Ivory and Pierre Thomas, Zack Ertz and Patriots' K and D and they could legitimately complain about putting up enough points to beat half the league this week, but were stuck going against TBD.  In the immortal words of Elmer Fudd singing Joe Cocker, "Cwy me a Wiver". 

And in keeping with the commercial theme, we have just two teams left - the 0-3 Hundering Turd and the 0-3 Steel Trojans.  Who mugged these two teams?  Who beat them silly and left them dazed the corner?  The STDs alertly traded their best WR (V-Jax) for Phil "Cwy me a" Wivers, throwing in potential franchise QB Johnny Football for grins, saying "we need this to win this week".  The trade did not work out as planned, at least for this week.  They did alertly scoop up Alfred "Bubba" Blue and Brian "Witness the" Quick"ness", and Arian Foster figures to be back sooner rather than later.  The Turd bench, featuring injured Odell Beckham and Vernon Davis, had 20 more points than their starters.  Coach Ken seems to be in the wrong rhythm with Sammy Watkins, starting him in weeks 1 and 3 when he totaled 5 points and benching him in week 2's 17 point outbreak.  Matty Ryan is the second-rated QB in the league and hasn't gotten off the bench yet.  Between Alfred Morris, Blount, CJ2.0 and Carlos Hyde, things are not as bad as they seem for the Turd.  Will they trade one of the QBs?  If so, which one?  Will either of these teams get into the win column next week?  Will we ever find out?  I wouldn't want to play either one in week four. 

Watchdog Week 2 - Who You Gonna Call (again)?

Do you experience feelings of dread when filling out your lineup or getting ready for the draft?  Was your #2 RB suddenly tripped by the 5 yard line when no one else was around?  Has your star player been suspended or benched for no apparent reason?  Well, who you gonna call?  WATCHDOG!  (Yes, I've done Ghostbusters before.  You can have your money back on this column if not fully satisfied.)

(Putting on my best Movie Trailer Voice-over voice):  In a world where DUI convicts ram their car into pedestrians and get a 2 game suspension, where an entire team juices their way to the Super Bowl and where players who were suspended for the season are suddenly reinstated for the Enchilada Playoffs, one man stands for the fallen.  One man is unafraid to mix his metaphors.  A man who knows fantasy football like the back of his head.  That man is... the Watchdog.  Coming this Christmas to a Toilet Bowl Playoff near you.  Don't worry, I'm not going to quote Ghostbusters 2, which incidentally was never actually made.  The ghost above is just saying it's Watchdog Week 2.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.
Winston Zeddemore: That's a big Twinkie.

It would take a big Twinkie to push Ray Rice off the scandal pages for the NFL.  Fortunately, here comes child abuse!   There Is an I in I/T had a poltergeist jump out of their TV and pull their best player Adrian Peterson into the void of suspensionland.  The initial report said (and I'm not making this up) he "beat his child with a tree branch."  As awful as that sounds, I think we're all missing the big picture here - I didn't realize Peterson knew who his children were!  Second, I think the technical term for what he used is not "tree branch" but a "switch".  I'd blame this on the liberal media, but I think it's more a case of the crazy media trying to make a story where there isn't one.  Now as a parent, I favor the more wussy "time out chair" over a good beating for my own children.  But last time I checked, this was America, the land where a 9-year old 60-pound little girl is encouraged to use a submachine gun like she's getting ready for a part in KickAss 3. But I regress.  The other reach from the beyond for I/T may have saved their season, as RGIII suddenly rolled his ankle for no apparent reason and Kirk Cousins Itt comes on to complete 22 of 33 for 250 yards and 2 TDs and suddenly I/T has a real QB.  Also Mark Ingram may be starting to look like a real RB.  I'd say he's been rejuvenated, but I think you have to be good first for that to apply. 

 Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.

If you're a little fuzzy on the "good lineup / bad lineup" thing, remember this important safety tip:  play your best players.  The Gumpsters alertly had Brandon Marshall and Antonio Gates on the bench this week, and while it's understandable about Gates when you have Julius Thomas, picking either Roddy White or Anquan Boldin over Marshall makes no sense at all.  We are sending over Winston Zedimore now to investigate the Gumpsters' kitchen.  Coach Ueda said he distinctly heard a growl from the refrigerator say "Zuul!  You must start Boldin!"  Though he admitted later it may have said "Fool!  You must stop folding!"  As he neither plays poker nor does origami, he figured it must have been a reference to Boldin.  Oh the pain! 

 Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

What would happen if it turned out you didn't actually have to pick your own team to win in this league?  What if there was some kind of zombie draft you could use?  High points for the week went to a team that missed half the draft.  Dale's Doormats moved into first place in the Wilt the Stilt Scoring Race (by 1 over TBD - no, I know who's in second.  No, who's on first...  never mind!).  Luck came up short once again in the real game but had plenty in the fiction game.  The player who had opposing Coach Lubert calling Ghostbusters was Buffalo D, who somehow came up with 18 points.  Could Coach Dale be onto something here? 

 Dr. Peter Venkman: I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.
[Dana starts passionately making out with him]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...

Team Brokerage had a rule against picking up suspended people.  Like Venkman, it was more of a guideline than a rule as they alertly scooped up Josh Gordon, who suddenly had his suspension reduced from 16 to 10 games when it turned out he was not as high as people previously thought.  Turns out President Clinton was right, you can puff without inhaling.  Anyway, Gordon figures to be back in time for the stretch run in Fantasy.  Their other more subtle pickup was to alertly scoop up whoever Natural Disaster cuts loose, in this case Cincy D, who went for 11 in a dominating performance over the Falcons (who had gone for 8216 points on offense the previous week). 

Winston Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!

Losing out on high points for the week by 0.1 points was TBD.  I can only say I'm glad they didn't play the Doormats as that would be an excruciating way to end up with an L for the week.  Anyway, Jimmy Graham dominated the game with 2 TDs and 118 yards receiving, Cobb had 18 points and Julio Jones had 15.  And while they lost high points for the week (which means nothing really), TBD had more than enough for the Turd.

 Dr Ray Stantz: Listen... do you smell something?

The Turd had two pickups this past week - Alan Hurns, who came out of nowhere to get 110 yards and 2 TDs last week, and Larry Donnell, the TE for the Giants who had 50 yards and a TD.  Which one did Coach Ken put into the starting lineup?  Yep, Hurns, who followed up his 23 point performance with 1.3.  Donnell meanwhile looked like a star in the making, diving all over the field for Eli's randomly thrown passes and getting 81 yards worth.  Sharing the bench with Donnell for the Turd was Sammy Watkins, who had a breakout performance of his own with 117 yards and a score.  I'd blame this on ghosts too, but I know my brother too well.

 Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

The Camel Jockeys kicked the Wombats' ass this week, despite battling some phantasms of their own.  The Wombats dropped to 0-2 this week even with a bounce-back performance from Aaron Rodgers, who put up 36 points.  Unfortunately most of his production went to Camel Jockey Jordy Nelson who had 27.  Jockeys nearly got caught with a loss for forgetting to hit "submit change" in benching Drew Hanson in favor of Cutler, which did cost them 27 points and high points for the week.  It was a winnable game for the Wombats, as they left 7 points on the bench with their RBs (Stewart and Ridley benched in favor of Forsett and Asiata).  As usual, when you try to get fancy, you get dusted.  90 points is nothing to be ashamed of, but oh the one that got away.  Coach Haas did not blame Gremlins for the QB issue, but the benching of Bernard Pierce is an unexplained phenomenon. 

 Man at Elevator: What are you supposed to be, some kind of a cosmonaut?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we're exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.

Marky Marc endured the phantoms of the fantasy that grabbed Knowshon and AJ Green as well as reserved Eric Decker and still came away with a "W" thanks to Peyton and Patriots D.  Not much mystery to the Pats performance when Peterson was suspended.  With Gostkowski going for 12 and opposing TE Gronkowski going for 3, they were able to coast to a win. 


Dr. Peter Venkman: He slimed me.

Their opponents, Semi-P, have put in a call to the Ghostbusters to see what is behind the mysterious fading of Tom Brady.  "He's a shadow of his former self" Coach King gasped, shaking his head in awe.  Last year was Brady's first full year since 2006 that he failed to throw at least 26 TDs (he had 25) and he threw for "merely" 4343 yards.  His QBR of 61.1 was the lowest of his career last year.  Through two games this season, he has 398 yards and 2 TDs a QBR of 48.1.  Does he miss his Mankins?  Is it the curse of Gisele Ono?  Cue the mysterious music! 

 Dr. Egon Spengler: We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue.
Louis: Okay.

Yep, this actual conversation took place between GM Ingrey and Coach Morrison:  DI: "I think we’d have to be crazy to change our starting lineup after winning high points for week one right?"  DM:  "Great job with the draft.  You gave me lots to work with.  No change to the lineup."  Last week, 118 points, high for the week.  This week 54 points, low for the week, losing by 19 to a team that had their best player (Charles) get 4 yards rushing.  Ghost of the week was Marques Colston who had 5 catches for 110 yards last week and ZERO targets this week. 

 Dr. Peter Venkman: I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

For Pep and Cheez, their ghost of the week was Percy Harvin's TD, where he obviously  stepped out of bounds on a scoring play right in front of the ref and was somehow awarded a TD anyway.  I'd complain longer and louder about this apparition, but even if Harvin was banned from the league and his points stricken from the record like Steve Martin demanding that the letter M be stricken from the English language, Disaster would still lose by 8.  (You always have to have one crazy demand when taking hostages so you can plead insanity later.)  Now clearly the Pizza Boyz don't have to take this abuse from the Watchdog.  They can go abuse their own players.  Er, they can count the win and look forward to next week.

 Dr. Peter Venkman: It's Miller time.

Last, and possibly least this week is the epic "battle" (or slap-fight) between the Steel Trojans and Fatties.  If you recall the movie, the above quote was uttered when they mistakenly thought they'd vaporized Zuul.  It turned out there was more work to be done.  I bring that up because....  It was the Fatties who ultimately triumphed when Roofiesberger broke a nail during his 8-point eruption against the Ravens Thursday night.  The final score was 61.6 to 59.8, with the STDs getting 10 from Ellington, 21 from Foster and not much else.  The reports of Arian Foster's demise appear to be premature.  Or is he back from the dead????  For the Fatties, Cam Newton's return was just enough to offset the disappearance of Eddie Lacy, who appeared lost in a fog of post-concussion syndrome against the Jets "D".  LeSean McCoy's 16.2 last night was the difference in the game.  Tim Wright is trying to get noticed by Brady (he said "what am I invisible here?") and Jordan Reed had the dreaded "hamstring" to miss week 2 leaving the Corpulent Ones without a tight end, which is OK if you're in Philly, but no condition to be in if you're in San Francisco.  Anyway, both teams still have some work to do.

Watchdog - Week One - My Blue Heaven

After all these years of writing the Watchdog, it is hard to even remember all the different themes I've already used.  I feel like I must have used most of my favorite old movies by now.  But one I am pretty sure I have not used is my favorite old Steve Martin movie "My Blue Heaven", with Martin purposefully miscast as a Mafia Boss turned State's Evidence.  And since it's that kind of day here in Northern New Jersey, home of the Sopranos, we'll give a nod to Rick Moranis, Joan Cusack and the rest of the cast of "hey wasn't he in the Godfather?" as we recap the draft and week one.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Shaldeen: Why is that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Because you could melt all this stuff.

TBD was picked by the league website as the team with the best draft, and even after their heartbreaking 0.9 loss to Dale's Doormats, it is hard to disagree with them.  Eagles and Seahawks QBs, Mathews, Bush, Gore and Stark, Julio Jones and Randle Cobb and of course TE/WR Jimmy Graham make this a team to reckon with.  For the first time in at least nine months, I'm looking at a coach that made every right pick for their starting lineup this week.  Some might question whether Gore has any tread left on his tires, but until he's averaged 1184 yards rushing, 8 TDs and 4.4 yards per carry the last three years and Sunday he went over 10,000 yards rushing in his career, so congrats to the Riddler!  Of course, there is still lingering resentment over the handling of the Justin Forsett incident.  But remember too, he's Justin Forsett, not Tony Dorsett. 

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Richie loved to use 22s because the bullets are small and they don't come out the other end like a 45, see, a 45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head and there's a lot of dry cleaning involved, but a 22 will just rattle around like Pac-Man until you're dead.

Of course, on the long end of that epic 102.1-101.2 battle was Dale's Doormats, who left plenty of points on the bench and look perhaps even more dangerous.  Proving that "clutch isn't luck" but rather "Luck is Clutch", Indy QBs helped the Doormats rally in the Sunday Night game thanks to going against Peyton and Co with 370 yards passing, 2 passing TDs and one rushing score.  Add in 14.3 from Montee Ball and that was just enough.  While Demaryius Thomas and Riley Cooper disappointed, Mike Wallace and Greg Jennings combined for 25.9 on the bench. 

Barney: The Padres play the Mets every so often, though you folks would probably be Yankees fans. It's been my experience that most organized crime people are.

Natural Disaster put up the high points for the week with a comeback Monday Night win over the Camel Jockeys, though the issue was probably never really in doubt after Lynch started things off on Thursday Night with 110 yards and 2 TDs.  But when Stafford connected on 2 first-half TDs last night, that was all she wrote.  Of course, having traded for all those extra draft picks (6 in the first 2 rounds), they promptly wasted the first of those by using it on Ray "Boom Boom" Rice.  This is essentially a two-horse team with Stafford and Lynch.  Many say that Stafford has to deal with Jim Caldwell as his coach while popular opinion is that Lynch has too many miles on the odormeter, but if they can be top 5 players each, there is still enough depth here to contend.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: what's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb.  See?  No sense of humor.
Hannah:  I see that it's funny.

The Camel Jockeys were not laughing this week with a 75.1 point effort, based largely on getting no production out of Bernard Pierce, starting for the suspended Boom Boom, and Zac Stacy, who looks like he might have trouble playing with no QB.  Maybe he should give Adrian Peterson a call and see how he managed.  Nelson, Brown and Walker look fine and Cutler too, but those RBs...  Not funny.

Hannah:   The car you stole belongs to the Reverend Malcolm Dickinson, he is the minister of the presbyterian church here in Fryburg.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli:  Are you sure he's a minister? My best friend makes his living as a completely phony minister - for two bucks, I can make you a minister. Some guys steal your money, but these guys, they steal your heart.

Team Brokerage managed an ugly win despite scoring just 73.9 points (11th for the week).  But guy that stole his heart was Doug Martin, who may have to miss time with a leg.  And Victor Cruz is also looking suspect as a member of the NY Giants "offense".  Dallas QBs figure to have to throw a lot, but if Romo feels the pressure to make every throw, he may battle Eli for the league lead in INTs this year.  With Forte, Bradshaw, both Carolina RBs, a healthy Maclin and Greg Olsen, Brokerage has a good chance at making a run at the Enchilada if Martin can come back healthy.

My mother used to say be careful of women on diets 'cause they're always in a bad mood.

The Fatties are in a bad mood after week one putting up the fewest points in the league, thanks to injuries to Eddie Lacy and Jordan Reed.  Keenan Allen was a no-show and the vaunted Rams D managed just one sack against the Vikings.  Getting Cam Newton back at QB should help and snagging Bobby Rainey at RB may prove fortuitous if Martin is out for a while.  Having a few New England recievers on the bench used to be a good thing, but after Brady's debacle of a second half against Miami, including 4 sacks and 2 fumbles, it remains to be seen if the Pats are still #1 in the AFC East.  For the Fatties to contend, Newton will have to be a top 5 QB again.

Vinnie:  dont worry i didnt marry her under my real name

A lot to like from the Turd offense this week, despite the losing effort.  Having both Brees and Matty Ice looks smart.  Alfred Morris, CJ2.0, Carlos Hyde and LaGarrette Blount round out a deep RB corps.  One of his rookie WRs, Kelvin Benjamin, had a big day and that without Newton starting.  So despite going against Orange Julius, they nearly pulled it out.  Obviously Ryan with his 448 yards passing and 3 TDs would have been nice to have in there, but how do you bench Brees?  One might think that after the Saints' bye week in 6, Ryan might be on the trade blocks. 

Vinnie:  what a day for a mow, eh?

For Team Gump, it was a great day for a mow, operating for the first time in ages with out Fast Freddie "Taken" Bennett as coach who flushed the Turd this week behind the aforementioned Julius Thomas.  Roddy White and Brandon Marshall rounded out the top performers for the Gumpsters this week, but they got nice games from Fragile Fred Jackson, Anquan Boldin and Antonio Gates.  Something may need to be done about their QBs as Cincy, KC and Eli finished 22nd, 16th and 30th respectively in QB points for the week. 

OK, I ran out of good pictures...  it's more of a dialogue comedy that visual. 

Vinnie:  ....5 o'clock Christmas morning, I run downstairs and look under the tree and what do I find? Uncle Alfresco, dead on the floor, shot through the back of the head. Plus no bicycle. It was a dispointing Christmas on many levels

For Pep and Cheez, it was a disappointing opening week on many levels.  First, they lost to I/T with the second fewest points in the league.  Second, Toby Gerhart left with a leg.  Third, Jamal Charles put up only 3.4 points.  Jason Witten had only 1.4 and Bucs D only 1.  Edelman and Harvin looked pretty good and it is fair to guess that if Kaepernick had needed more production in the second half against Dallas, he would have faired better than 21.1 points.  Jake Locker showed signs of life against KC D, as did Shane Vereen against Miami and Khiry Robinson against Atlanta.  If P&C is going to make a run at the Enchilada Bowl, it'll likely be on the back and legs of Charles though.  Last year, his lowest output was 7.8 points in a game.  You have to go back to week 15 of 2013 to get lower than this week's total, so P&C can take comfort in that.

It's Louie! Louie Vincinzi from San Francisco! How was she? Man's so fast, he doesn't wear pants, it slows him down.

I in I/T took advantage of the favorable matchup with Pep and Cheez, putting up the third-lowest points for the week, but coming away with a win nonetheless.  While RGIII showed cause for concern, Mark Ingram showed signs of life averaging nearly 5 yards per carry and getting 2 TDs.  Adrian Peterson looked OK for this week, letting Cordarelle shine.  Emanuel Sanders and Andre Johnson were solid.  On the bench, Sproles and Brandin Cooks were excellent and Flacco had 345 yards, though only one score.  There is enough talent there to make the playoffs if they can get 20-25 a week from the QB slot.  Not sure the Redskins or Ravens are the guys to do it though.

Shaldeen:  whats your name? 
Vinnie:  Todd, it's Italian for extra special.

Marky Marc and the Mad Dogs looked pretty extra special this week with Peyton cruising, Knowshon and AJ Green looking strong, Zach Ertz adding 77 yards and a TD.  Crabtree was probably the only down note, as even the bench had Chris Ivory with 16.2, Nicks with a TD and Decker with 74 yards.  I was surprised to see Baltimore D with zero points.  A long way from the days of Ray Lewis and Ed Reed.  They are projected to score 114 this week in their showdown with Semi-P (projected for 111). 

Grocery Clerk:  have a nice day. 
Vinnie: f*** you

Welcome back to the league Conrad!  Thanks for taking over the Wombats!  By the way, your franchise QB faces the defending Super Bowl Champs in their incredibly loud stadium to start the season and you'll come out of the draft with no running backs.  Devonta Freeman may be the only useful one of the bunch.  Steve Smith had an 80 yard TD strike.  But oh by the way, you also get to keep arguably the best player in the league in Calvin Johnson, who torched the Gmen last night with 164 yards and 2 TDs including that ridiculous laying-out catch in the end zone.  As with the 9ers, you got the feeling that if Detroit needed more points last night, they could have had them.  I love the league website giving Eric Ebron a "trending up" arrow because he "almost made a catch last night".  We have a nice participation pin for him too.  Thanks for playing!  For the Wombats to make a run at the playoffs, they'll need a huge season from Megatron and Rodgers and they'll need Devonta Freeman to become the Falcons #1 RB, all of which seems pretty likely right now.  Can they find a second RB?  Will they need to?  Stay tuned!

Vinnie:  are you trying to say capeesh, well dont do it, it hurts my ears

The last game on the docket was Semi-P against the Steel Trojans.  For the STs, it was not as pretty as the 82.4 point effort indicated, with SF D going for 17 - yay, but they don't play Dallas again this year, and Mike Nugent going for 5 field goals.  On the plus side, Coach Feldman's proclamation that Markus Wheaton would be a stud is off to a good start as he had 97 yards in his first pro game, and Andre Ellington looked awfully healthy for a guy who was possibly going to miss the game entirely.  Arian Foster and Shaun Greeeeneee looked passable as well.  As with many of the teams here, getting good QB production looks like it will be key to their hope of an Enchilada.

It's not tipping I believe in. It's over-tipping.

Quietly putting up 100.7 points was Semi-P, despite a lackluster performance from Brady and Dez Bryant.  They got nice games from CJ Spiller and Cordarelle Patterson and a monster game from LeVeon Bell.  And Gronk looked healthy enough for one week.  Miller, Hopkins and Golden Tate looked strong also.  If Brady can revert to form, this is a team as good as any in the league. 

Watchdog Week 16 - Gettin' Funky!

In one of the more questionable moves in the league this year, Coach Madden for the Fatties emailed Coach Piccione on Sunday morning and suggested they turn the Enchilada Bowl into a sort of "winner take all" (other than league dues).  Coach Piccione, to his credit, said "I don't like our matchups, but what the hey."  When you have Peyton Manning, the first player in NFL history to throw for 50+ TDs and 5000+ yards in the same season, you can take these kinds of chances.  How big was Manning's season?  He beat the second-best QB (in fantasy points) by 88 points.  He beat the league average QB by 201 points.  He beat the average top-10 QB by 136 points.  He's good, I'm saying.  Perhaps the strangest stat I've see, though, is that it looks like Manning will finish second in the league in Quarterback Rating.  Betcha can't tell me who is currently ranked first!  For comparison, last year Drew Brees was the #1 ranked fantasy QB, finishing 70 points better than ... #12 QB Matthew Stafford.  In 2011, it was Rodgers finishing 70 points better than #5 Cam Newton.  In 2010 it was Brady finishing 75 points better than #11 Matt Schaub.  Manning is good, I'm saying again (as long as you have the right Manning). 

So were the Funky Dogs just a one-trick pony?  If you take away Manning and insert 5th-ranked QB Andy Dalton (359 points), they still finish third in the league in total points, so no, the Watchdog has been unfair in saying that in the past.  You could argue that trading a #1 pick for Marshawn Lynch was what put them over the top.  But you could also suggest that Bobby Rainey  and his 11.9 PPG since being inserted into the starting lineup, along with Fragile Fred Jackson and Ryan Mathews, who just missed having his 6th 100-yard game of the last ten games yesterday (99 yards and a TD) made the trade a shade overpaid.  'Nuff said.  I ask again, has Ryan Matthews become a keeper?  He was a first round pick this year.  Over the last 6 weeks he's averaged a little more than... Marshawn Lynch. 

OK, you say, so the Funky Dogs had a top QB and a raft of RBs, but what about WRs?  Well, they have AJ Green, Eric Decker, Randall Cobb got hurt in week 6 and still hasn't come back, Jarrett Boykin has been an able replacement here and there.  Greg Olsen has been solid (8th best TE in total points), Gostkowski they got included in the Lynch trade - he was only the #1 kicker in the league.  And they ended up with three of the top six defenses in the league after picking up the Rams for this game (beating out the STDs claim for them by just over an hour).  Parenthetically, all three Ds were in double-digits.

So congratulations to the Paganos, Dundies, Marky Marks or the Funky Dogs!  Whatever else you want to call them, you can call them Enchilada Champs! 

By the way, what a strange effect this flexible roster rule has had on the "special teams" of K and D.  The top 10 Ds were owned by 5 teams.  At least six of those teams were available on waivers at some point, including the 5th place Rams, who were dropped and added a record 27 times this season.  Among Kickers, there was no such cornering of the market - the reverse, if anything, with two of the top 14 kickers finishing the year as free agents.  An amazing 9 of the top 14 kickers were claimed off waivers at least once during the season, including #1 Gostkowski, #3 Novak (several times), #5, 6, 8 9, 10, 11, 13 and 14, with Suisham and Succop getting the most add/drops, though not nearly as many as Rams D. 

Among TEs, only one of the top 10 finished the year as a free agent, Martellus Bennett, but 5 more of the next 10 also did, which I mention mostly because Natural Disaster was done in partially by cutting #7 TE Charles Clay in favor of a guy who didn't finish the year in the top 30. 

But I regress. 

So the Fatties give up their #1 and #3 picks for next year to get McCoy and Charles, they gamble away any profit they might have made by coming in second and they lose by 61.  Not sure what Matthew Stafford was doing against the Giants yesterday, but it sure didn't look like quarterbacking.  DeSean Jackson had another one of those classic games where his team puts up 54 and he ends up with 3 fantasy points, or one more than TE Zach Hurts.  If only they could've carried over some of the 200-odd points they put up last week...  On the plus side, Eddie Lacy looks like a keeper, and for that matter, McCoy at $48 might be too.  It is hard when you manage your team brilliantly for 15 weeks, only to be undone in the end, hoisted, as they say by your own petard. 

The Constipation Bowl is not over until the fat lady sings, with STDs holding a 17-point lead on the Gumpsters, with only the Gumpsters' SF D still active.  For the 14th time this season, STDs missed which QB to put in, picking Cousins over Roofiesberger, costing them 11 points in the process.  They were once again done in by their RBs as well, switching Joique Bell out for the Vacator, at a cost of another 17 points.  The Gumpsters may regret going with Jason Witten (#10, 1 point) over Julius Thomas (#4, 13 points) at TE, Alex Smith (10 points) over Luck (15 points).  Obviously if they'd started NE D and their 27, this one would be wrapped up now, but hard to say that was the wrong choice based on matchups.  SF and NE D have almost identical PPG on the season and only one of them was facing a team vying for a playoff spot this week.  But Luck and Thomas - yeah, that would be another 17 points right there. 

And while the Toilet Bowl is not officially over, it would take a Festivus Miracle to save I/T's season and see them upend Dale's Doormats.  They currently trail by 50 with only Kaepernick still to play tonight.  For what it's worth, they left exactly 2 points on the bench, not counting Phil Rivers' 14.  The Doormats correctly started Foles, though he got outscored by Dalton by 17 this week.  DeMarco Murray and Dez Bryant showed up in a big way (35 points between them), as did Antonio Brown. 

Among the strange stats this season, you have Pierre Garcon leading the NFL in receptions with 107, Josh Gordon missing two games due to suspension and still leading in yards receiving with 1564, you have the Broncos with four players with 60+ receptions and 10+ TD catches while the 12-3 Seahawks had no players reach either number.  You had the Enchilada Winner keep two players - Stevan Ridley who finished 30th among RBs in PPG, and Randall Cobb who finished 71st in WR total points scored after his injury.  The #1 and #2 fantasy WRs were both traded during the season, but only one was traded for a future draft pick.  You had the worst team in the last 5 fantasy seasons still playing on the last day of the playoffs.  You have the #1 and tied for #2 most INTs in the NFL both playing in the Meadowlands, bringing back cries that Charlie Ward is once again the best QB in New York.  One other note on Eli - the last two guys to throw for more INTs in a single season were - Brett Favre and Peyton Manning!  You have Nick Foles with a 25:2 TD:INT ratio (on the other end of the Eli Scale).  The last two guys to come close to those kinds of numbers?  Josh Freeman and David Garrard!  Remember, Freeman had 25:6 as a second-year QB.  And Garrard had 18:3 back in '07 for the Jags.  OK, really Brady had 36:4 back in '10, but what fun is that?  The best INT% ever for a single season is the immortal Damon Huard, who had 11 TD and 1 INT in 2006.  Tied with him is the immortal Josh McCown for this year's Bears (13:1).  The only other guy with less than 1% INT% in a season was Steve "Don't Pay the Ferryman" DeBerg for the 1990 Chefs (23:4 ratio).  Also appearing in the top 10 ever INT% for a season are Alex Smith, Steve Bartkowski, Neil O'Donnell (for the '98 Bengals), Jason Campbell, Brian Griese, Jeff Garcia and Seneca Wallace.  Brady, Rodgers and O'Donnell are the only guys to appear in the top 30 for more than one season. 

Watchdog Week 15 - Wax On, Wax Off!

"Get him a body bag!  Yeah!"  What else do you say when the margin of victory was more than all but one other team scored this week?  It was like some bad horror movie.  "They just kept coming and coming and coming!"  First, you have what was one of the top three playoff performances in the history of Fantasy Football with Jamaal Charles clearly in Charge.  Strangely, just 20 yards rushing, but 195 receiving and five total TDs - and he sat for the last quarter-plus.  Yes, Gale Sayers' total points for a single game could have been in reach.  By himself, Charles would have lost to Team Gump by 5.  Add in that everyone on the Fatties' starting eight had at least 9 and DeSean Jackson and KC D both had 20 or more and you have a blood-letting of Dexter-like proportions.  Keep this in mind - if for some strange reason, the Fatties had chosen to start Tennessee QBs over Detroit and Eddie Lacy over McCoy, they'd have become the first team in league history to score 200 points in a game. 

"Sweep the leg."  For the Gumpsters, what else do you say when they could have started all sixteen guys on their team and still lost by 31?  It was like some badly-aging but somehow still entertaining 80s movie starring a 30-year-old as a high school junior too young to drive.  Five of their starters scored four points or less, with the Law Firm going for just four yards.  It was his worst performance since 2009, but interestingly Green-Ellis' last three games at Pittsburgh look like this:  4 carries for 4 yards, 15 carries for 14 yards last year and 5 carries for 9 yards in 2011.  Do they have his number?  In 2010, he went for 123 combined yards at Pitt. 


Daniel: Hey, what kind of belt do you have?
Miyagi: Canvas. JC Penney, $3.98. You like? For the Chamberlain Winning Funky Dogs, they gave Peyton the second half off (a mere 23 points for him) and still coasted to a 99-72 win over the STDs.  We may have to start re-thinking Ryan Mathews' fantasy upside as he went for his fifth 100-yard game in the last nine games, matching his total from the previous three and a half seasons and playoffs combined.  He has become the Funky Dogs' secret weapon, their Crane Technique.  So long as Peyton plays the whole game next week, the Enchilada Bowl matchup against the Fatties should be very interesting indeed.  No Ralph Macchios in here - this one is Bobby against the random Asian guy, the semi-final matchup that should have been the finals if the seeding had been done properly in the movie. 

"Ai, had very good chance."  For the STDs, they needed Mr. Miyagi to do that thing with his hands, but he was not available, being mostly dead all season.  A disappointing end to a successful season, as they were beset by injuries to their top three RBs, with Adrian Peterson, Reggie Bush and Toby Gerhart all going down last week.  Bush came back to put up 15 this week, but the Trojans were left to pick between practice squad refugees Jordan Todman and Matt Asiata.  While Todman had the better real game, Asiata's three short TDs gave him a 10-point edge in fantasy points.  Couple that with the unlikely ascension of Kirk Cousins (381 yards and 3 TDs) and they had the points to pull off the upset.  But while they've been voted off the island, they can still compete on Exile Island against the Gumpsters for the Constipation Bowl. 

Daniel: I don't know if I know enough karate.
Miyagi: Feeling correct. In Miyagi-speak, that means it doesn't matter if you stink for the regular season as long as you peak at the right time.  In the Toilet Bowl, There Is an I in I/T continues its rampage, with a 69-67 wax-off of Pep and Cheez.  The good news is that Cecil Shorts and Jared Cook both got shut out, so I/T can insert Roddy White and Tyler Eifert into the lineup and not miss a beat.  Heck, they may even top 75 in the Toilet Bowl Finals. 

Lucille Larusso: This is it. This is the end of the line.
Daniel: You're telling me.  The look on Daniel-san's face was a perfect match for the look on Coach Yeager's face when he realized they lost to I/T.  Because while Justin Tucker had six field goals last night, Pep and Cheez needed seven to pull out the last-second win.  Or they needed to start Chicago QBs instead of Newton.  Or either Hopkins or LaFell instead of Bowe.  A heartbreaking end to the season for Bowe, who was just starting to look like the top 14-WR he was drafted as.  And again, Alex Smith had 318 yards passing and 5 TDs and Bowe had just 24 yards.  On the plus side, Keenan Allen continued his run at the all-time rookie receiving yards record held by Anquan Boldin (not counting Bill Groman's AFL record from 1960 of 1473 yards), though he needs 346 yards in his last three games to get it. 

Daniel: I thought it came from Buddhist temples and stuff like that. Miyagi: You too much TV. Look at the range of emotion Daniel-san can portray!  Is it any wonder Ralph Macchio is one of the finest actors in this movie?  For TBD, it was another disappointing day from the Brady Bunch.  Fortunately for the NFL side of it, the Pats found a way to lose to the Dolphins, who had supposedly given up on the season in the wake of the bullying in their locker room that may or may not go on in every locker room on every level in every sport to some degree or another.  Especially if you're wearing a Chargers jersey in public.  Well, now they have an excuse not to watch too much TV (like the rest of us).

Miyagi: Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything. Daniel: Ever catch one?
Miyagi: Not yet.  For the Doormats, they continued to do their best Mr. Miyagi impression.  They seem like nice guys if they're making bonsai trees or fixing a sink.  But get them riled up and look out!  It's their third straight 100+ point game and their fourth in the last five weeks.  On the season, the Doormats have pulled off one of the most amazing performances in fantasy football history.  They have exactly two games this season where they scored between 67 and 98.  Six times they were 67 or less, seven times they were 98 or more.  For the entire rest of the league, they were in the 67-98 range 63% of the time.  Doormats were 13.3%.  Are they peaking at the right time?  Or are they due for an epic let-down against "the worst team since sliced bread"?