Watchdog - the Whole Enchilada

"WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I just want to thank God for this award, because I feel God in this Enchilada tonight." - Pam Beasley (or was it Coach Davey?)

Now I don't want to say that Dunder Mifflin is the first Echilada Champion to finish the regular season dead last in total scoring. They were. And I don't want to say they became the lowest scoring Enchilada Champion in league history. They did. But like the 2008 Mighty E-Head they certainly picked a good time to go on a 6-game winning streak! Must have been that key trade they made with Natural Disaster - picking up key bench players like Randy Moss and Aaron Hernandez as well as Ryan Torain, who was released outright in favor of Maurice Morris before week 12 (who himself was released in favor of Javarris James, who had also been recently released by Natural Disaster just the week before). So you see, that trade was huge for the Office in much the same way that unloading Babe Ruth was good for the Red Sox. (Fat ol' tub was never that good a pitcher anyway.) In the four weeks immediately following the trade (which some league members thought Dunder got robbed in!) they went 1-3 with a 62.0 point per game average. So clearly the trade was instrumental. Their six-game winning streak started, coincidentally, with a 64-53 win over same Natural Disaster. They followed that up by trouncing the Fatties 107-46 and averaged 90.8 ppg over the last 5 of the streak. Their prize of course will be paid in Shrute Bucks.

As for the Fatties, what can we really say? They dominated the 2010 season the way few teams ever have, outscoring the 2nd-best scoring team in the league by almost 7.5 points per game. They were 40 points clear of the field after week one and never looked back. Perhaps they should have. After week 11, they were averaging over 102 points per game. Over their last 4 games, they averaged just 67.25. Philip Rivers averaged over 26 ppg for the first 11 weeks, then just 17 in the Fatties last 4 games. Chris Johnson averaged over 15 ppg over the first 11 weeks, then just 7.5 over the Fatties' last 4 games. Darren McFadden averaged 16 for the 8 games he played in the first 11 weeks, then just 11.25 in the last 4, not counting the 38 he put up during the Fatties' bye week. Oh by the way, Josh Freeman threw for 5 TDs Sunday. Add that to Santonio Holmes' 69 yards and a TD, they did have enough points to top Dunder Mifflin. (Though to be fair, how do you play Freeman over Rivers, particularly with the Chargers playing Cincinnati?)

For the Turd it was time to pull out all the stops in the Constipation Bowl. Coming to the finish line like the greatest Flonkerton athletes in the world, they needed a big game from the light-headed Aaron Rodgers against their beloved Giants. How does 4 TDs and 404 yards passing grab ya? Getting just enough from Addai, Green-Ellis, Rowdy Roddy White and a dominant Rams' D (led by former Giants D-Coordinator) it was a game I feel confident in saying that the Turd would just as soon have lost. For all that, they still needed at least one point from Visanthe Shiancoe in the Tuesday Night Football game, which they finally did get midway through the third quarter. And just like that, the Turd had conquered the Constipation Bowl.

Like Michael Scott struggling just to survive minute after minute in the harsh Pennsylvania wilderness, I in I/T weathered a 37-point beat-down by Semi-Precious in week 13. Then they rebounded, edging Tim & Kumar in the first round of the playoffs (by a mere 42). But just when you thought they might survive all the way to the Enchilada title, they got up-ended by the Fatties in the semi-finals. Once in the Constipation Bowl, I/T made a go of it, by getting as many points from Kellen Winslow II as he had in his best two games of the season prior to Sunday to make things interesting. But when Andre Johnson pulled a Bananas Foster (showing up in street clothes with no prior warning) after scoring 63 in the previous 4 weeks, I/T had too much to overcome.

And in the Toilet Bowl, once again the Red Bandits were crowned victorious. That award is supposed to say "BUSIEST Beaver." We can have that fixed. Perhaps not as sweet as winning the Enchilada last year, but back-to-back titles nonetheless.

For Pep & Cheez, from draft day to losing their last two games of the regular season to miss the playoffs then making a run in the Toilet Bowl, they once again seemed a little confused. Like Dwight unknowingly putting up sketches of himself (but with a porn-stache) as a serial flasher, P&C left Matt Cassel's 32 on the bench. But in the end, it would not have mattered. The Bandits were just too tough.

So congratulations Dunder Mifflin! And thanks everyone for a great season! Running this league without you, well, it would have been really hard. ("That's what she said.")

Watchdog Wishes You a Merry Christmas!

Hark the Herald Watchdog sings! Fatties and Dunder are the last left in this thing! So without further ado, with a little Toilet Bowl pooh, and the Constipation Bowl, we'll see who wins and who gets left out in the cold. So with a little help from our favorite Christmas friends, just one more week and we'll see how this season ends!





I in I/T was crushed like Papa Elf
By the Fatties' team of top shelf
Though I/T did show they're smart
100 bench points takes real art
Division winner, Scoring Champ and now the Big Game
If they come up short now, is that kinda lame?


Dunder Mifflin triple-dog-dared the Turd
A notion that may seem absurd
But Rodgers was out with a little headache
So John Skelton led the Turd's funeral wake
When TO leg was crushed
The Turd's season was finally flushed


While Pep & Cheez continues to roll
Knocking the Doormats out by a single toll
Any one of Brown, Harvin, Watson or Moeaki
Would have worked to stop Dale's hari kari
But the win for the Pizza Boyz'
Featured shows of force by Misfit Toys
LT2, Miller and Colston
Shaub, McCoy and Welker from Boston
Not a single top 10 in the bunch
But one more win and they'll be treating to lunch!


And the Defending Champ Banditos
May have another title to their creditos
With Kitna and the other Cowboys
hurtling downhill like a sleigh full of toys
Hey Sprockets! Look out below!
Brees and Maclin were not enough to dodge the blow
With MJD coming up short
It may be time to find a new sport!




Will the Fatties show their might?
Or will the Office give them a fright?
One way or the other, a new winner be nice
The high-scoring Fatties or Brady and Ray Rice
One will be second and one will be champ
One wins Enchilada, the other this nice lamp!


You may hear the Watchdog proclaim
As I blog out of sight
Merry Christmas to all, may you never bicker
And to the Football Giants, please Santa, bring just one kicker!

Nostramoosus Returns

One of the great seers of our time, perhaps of all time, is of course Nostramoosus, the mystical monk from the the mountains near the Monangahela. The Watchdog has humbly approached Nostramoosus with a humble request to offer his prognostications for the playoffs. And Nostramoosus said "I knewest you were going to say that."




And lo, the Corpulent ones and the Hundering ones shall labor for near a fortnight of Sundays and Mondays (and the occassional Thursday) and on the fourteenth week, they shall rest. But they shall rise again the next week and enter the great fray known as the Whole Enchilada.


Those lowly teams that are not worthy to scrape the muck out of the Corpulent Ones' little sandals with those funny little points underneath shall do battle, but it shall be a massacre on both sides.

On one sideth, there shall be An I in I/T and they shall rompeth over Tim & Kumareth, despite leaving 17 points on their bencheth. And what is worse for the smaller of I/T's foes are the woes of Graham Gano's and subsequently those for the city of the District. For this slog-toed fool shall haveth a chance to send the Skins of Crimson into extra time with a simple point after kick. But he shall misseth it badly and misery shall descend upon all who root for that team. If only they had a Super Bowl winning coach. Or a Field General who hast at least beeneth to the big game. Or an owner who would spend whatever it tooketh to get the very best, or at least the very largest of players. (And yes, the caption says "Graham Gano, Best placekicker in college football")

And on the other sideth two shall battle: those whose players are always "Taken" but who neverthelesseth shall finish with the second most points in the league shall cross swords with those fools and bumblers from Mifflin a-Dunder who will finish dead last in points scored for the yeareth. And like David against the great giant, Michael Scott shall take a stone and sling it, and the boys (and girls) from Scranton shall slayeth the Gumpsters. Without working up much of a sweat either.

But there shall be much gnashing of teeth and wailing in the city of Walla Walla for they shall have their game against the Pizza Boyz lockethed up until there shall be but twenty and one seconds left in the last game of the week. And then it shall come to pass that the Great Fighter, who shouldest have been suspended but was not, shall catch a pass for the Texans and then Jacoby Jones shall catch another. And blow upon blow, the Pizza Boyz shall rain down upon the Wombats of Walla Walla and by their raining blows, the Boyz shall reign. For a time.

And behold, the Watchdog shall proclaim day upon day, week upon week, even month upon month that the Field General of the Striped Cats doth sucketh and none shall heed. But on the day of the Great Battle, one called Dale shall finally hear and heed, and Palmer shall be benched for another General who had been benched six times and three times more, one who playeth for the City by the Bay. And lo, that Smith shall rise up and deliver just enough points to vanquish the Watchdog's favorite team. And truly it shall be a Natural Disaster. (Nevermindeth that the Disaster shall have enough points on its bencheth to nearly winneth the game outrighteth.)

Then it shall come to pass that the lowliest team in the land, the Sprockets from lower than LA-LA Land, shall rise up cut loose their End who was Tight named Bo, but he shall scoreth two touchdowns just to spiteth the Sprockets. But it shall matter not, for the Brees shall blow and the Bowling Ball named Tolbert shall roll, and the Branch of the tree of Deion shall bring forth fruit a-plenty and the Mighty Brokerage shall fall. And it shall help that the Steelers D doeth playeth the barfy Bengals and the aforementioned Putrid Palmer.

(the caption says "Because I can show you and still beat you")

And the first shall be last, and the last shall be first, which doeth giveth hope to the Ones that Gollum doeth liketh (a little at least). For there is always next year to waiteth upon, as fans of the Mets doeth well know. (Or 2012 as the case mayest be...) But for the Bandits of Scarlet, there will always be last year, for from their reign of pain, they shall abstain. Yet wait, they may yet winneth the Bowl of the Toilet! What does my crystal ball sayeth? Tis a bit cloudy. Cometh ye back next weeketh and see. That shall be $10 if it please thee!

Watchdog 12 - Leslie Nielsen: Dead and Loving It!

We can all hope so anyway. Surely it comes as no surprise to readers of this column to find a tribute to the late great Leslie Nielsen. ("It's not a surprise... and stop calling me Shirley.") Speaking of surprises, we have just one week left in the regular fantasy football season! Yikes! Where did the season go?





"The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner."

The Hundering Turd was 8-1 just three weeks ago. Now, on the strength of a 3-game losing streak, they have all but locked up the Canes Division title. Now all they need is someone to help them land this team in the Enchilada Bowl. And someone who didn't call out Darrell Revis as "ordinary" and then get 12 yards receiving against him. This week's game vs Natural Disaster means nothing more than family bragging rights so long as they don't get outscored by Dunder Mifflin by more than 127 points.

The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure."

The Red Bandits' season may be Oveur (huh?) but that doesn't mean they shouldn't go out there and win just one for the Watchdog. Looks like they picked the wrong season to rely on Dallas QBs. Anyway, if the defending champion (for one more week anyway) Bandits win against Tim & Kumar and have both Gump and Brokerage lose and they outscore Gump by more than 49, they will go to the playoffs. But just winning will open the door for Natural Disaster to have a chance to slip into the playoffs.

"I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you."

Semi-P is even less likely to make the playoffs than the Bandits, needing a win vs I in I/T along with a loss by Gump, Brokerage and the Bandits, and they need to outscore everyone by 136. However, again, a win vs I in I/T could be significant for others (OK, Natural Disaster again). Do they go with Cutler off his 4-TD game against the Eggles? I wouldn't want my season to come down to that! (Oh wait...)

"Nice Beaver"

There is an I in I/T is looking like they may be able to ride Eli Manning all the way to the playoffs. With their 5th straight win (and the Turd is 0-3 since trading him), they've shot from tied for last to second place and controlling their own destiny. They can also make the playoffs with a loss if either Natural Disaster or Tim & Kumar lose, or if Disaster wins but I/T outscores them by 35. Anyway, nice trade!


"It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day."

If the Sprockets had started Deion Branch instead of either Braylon Edwards or Jeremy Maclin, they'd still be alive for a playoff spot with what would have been a sterling 4-8 record. If it had been Branch over Edwards, they would also have the third-most points in the league right now instead of 5th. Twice they scored high points for the week, and back in week 3 lost to Gump 113-112. "Goodyear?" "No, the worst."


"Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested."

Pep & Cheez, meanwhile may be feeling a bit violent. Not only did they have enough points to win their game vs Team Gump (which would have been good for high points for the week), but a win would have kept alive their playoff hopes. By the way, in the last 7 weeks, Matt Cassel has 18 TDs and 1 INT. OK, he's only thrown for more than 250 yards once, but his season numbers are 22 TDs and 4 INTs.


"Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."

For Tim & Kumar, they've started noticing things like how to put together a winning lineup. Since that tie left them 2-2-1, they are 5-2 and control their own destiny. With Jamaal Charles and Fast Freddy Jackson, do they have enough to best the defending champion Red Bandits?





"Move along! Nothing to see here"

The Fatties put up 46 this week as Chris Johnson gets held to 5 yards rushing and Rivers fails to throw a TD pass (so much for the Marino comparison). They have a playoff spot locked up and high points too (so long as they don't get outscored by Gump by more than 99). They lock up the division and a first round bye with a win vs the Sprockets or a loss by I in I/T.

"It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

The Wombats have carried Vincent Jackson since the draft, perhaps submarining their chances of making the playoffs. Finally, having been eliminated, Jackson suffers a groin injury where there was "considerable swelling and a lot of soreness" according to Norv. I don't care to know how he found that out. Anyway, Jackson's final farewell for the season cost the Wombats a chance at high points for the week, as they lost 107-106.

"Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?" "No."


Dale's Doormats got edged 62-61 by a Lion-based Semi-P team, watching them get exactly 3 points from Burnin' Vernon Davis on Monday Night. The unpleasant part is that, even with a win, they were already relagated to the Toilet Bowl. And since "facts" is plural, how's this for unpleasant: Since winning the Enchilada Bowl in 2002, the Doormats are 61-65-1.

All right, I'm going to level with you all. But what's most important now is that you remain calm. There is no reason to panic. Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill... slightly ill. But the other two pilots... they're just fine. They're at the controls flying the plane... free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

No need to panic for Team Brokerage. They just need to win against the lowly Wombats and have Team Gump lose, or if they both win, Brokerage only needs to outscore Gump by 137. Remain calm. Getting a goose-egg from Hightower on Monday Night didn't help their cause much. The alert pick-up of Chargers D may come in huge this week though, fresh off their dismantling of Peyton and playing Bruce Gradkowski and Da Raidahs this week.

"Look everybody! It's Enrico Palazzo!"

After week 5, Dwayne Bowe had a total of 152 yards and 1 TD for Team Gump. In the 7 weeks since then, he has 733 yards and 13 TDs. And so in a week when Peyton looks ordinary and Adrian Peterson goes down with an ankle, they still put up high points (tied) and knock Pep & Cheez out of the playoffs. If Bowe keeps this up, he'll have people chanting "Enrico Palazzo! Enrico Palazzo!"

"I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!"

Dunder Mifflin also tied for high points this week, scoring as much as when they were a Boy Scout leader. This while finally benching Randy Moss and all the other guys they traded Antonio Gates to get. They have sewn up a playoff spot at 7-5 so their game this week vs Pep & Cheez is for show only. After starting the year 4-1, they lost 4 of their next 5 before righting the ship the last two weeks. Despite being a playoff team, they may want to see if they can outscore the Sprockets and/or Brokerage by more than 36 or 39 respectively to avoid being the lowest-scoring team in the league for the season.

"I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you."

Natural Disaster staved off elimination with a typical performance from Orton - have the Broncos fall behind by 306 then lead them on a furious comeback, throwing for 347 yards and three TDs. Despite having traded the Sprockets for Devon Bess, Team Disaster picked up Blair White (who was the difference in the Sunday Night game). They also have Eddie Royal (15 points), and yet still spend their last waiver bucks on Jacoby Ford. I guess when I say I'm counting on you, I just need to not be too specific...

Watchdog Week 11 - I came, I drank, I stayed

(Picture of a dingy little cubicle: a few regulars looking for excuses not to do work. The email chime rings. The shout goes up: "WATCHDOG!")

And now, the Watchdahg will do his best "Cliffy" impersonation to give you the latest edition of "as the playoff picture turns."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?""I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

Eh, ya know Nahmy, ya godda be talkin bout the Fatties hee-yah. It's a little known fact that their line-up of Rivahs, Jowhnson and now Santonio Holmes, they got a chance to eclipse the 1993 Rings Around Uranus as the all-time fantasy football scoring champ. All they need is 236 points in the last two weeks. Either way, they treat their opponents the way you treat them beers, Nahmy!

"How's about a beer, Norm?""That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

I think you gotta be talking about Tim & Kumar here Nahmy. They won two in a row, and rode Fast Freddy Jackson to 108 points this week and a win over the Toid. They got a half game lead on Natural Disaster too with 2 to play. It's a little know fact that Fast Freddy did not get his nickname from his footspeed! No, in fact, he used to give up the most for Lent every year and all the other guys in his CCD class were jealous of him.

"What'll you have, Normie?""Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.""Looks like beer, Norm.""Call me Mister Lucky."

I tink you're talking There's an I in I/T now Nahmy. Despite a pee-utrid performance from Easy E against the Eagles, I/T got 19 points on Sunday night, just enough for a 98-97 win over Brokerage. And from the looks of Brokerage's new team photo, they are not happy about it. But I/T has four wins in a row and a full game lead on a playoff spawt. They bettah win out though - they scored the second fewest points in the league this year!

"What's shaking, Norm?""All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

OK, that's from when you was on MASH and put an entire billiahd bahl in yah mawth! That was high cahmedy Nahmy! But what's shakin' is clearly the Sprockets who put up theah second "most points of the week" award putting a hurtin' on the Wombats this week. Sprockets are still 2 games out of the playoffs with two games to play and two teams between them and Brokerage and Nahmy - that's too much!

"What's new, Normie?""Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

Are we allowed to make terrorist jokes still Nahmy? That may be crossing the line these days eh Nahmy? Still, if one thing is as sure as the headline "Trouble in the Middle East" it would be "Natural Disastah chokes away a playoff birth." In a week where 11 teams scored 84 or more and the average score of the other 13 teams was 96.8, Natural Disastah put up 53. Strangely enough, if Ohton and Tee-bow had scohed their average for da season, Disastah would have had enough to beat Dundah Mifflin. Ifs and buts was candy and nuts, right Nahmy?

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?""Going Down?"

Ah, Semi-P. Not su-ah this needs any more explanation Nahmy.

"What'd you like, Normie?""A reason to live. Give me another beer."

How 'bout dat Dundah Mifflin team Nahmy? They got 1 point from Crabtree and Moss and still won by 11 points ovah Disastah. And Brady, geez, don't get me stahted on the Pats. The worst 8-2 team I evah saw! Still Dundah's one win away from locking up a playoff spowt! How's that for a reason to live?!?!

(Coming in from the rain)"Evening everybody."Everybody: "Norm!""Still pouring, Norm?""That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

It was coming down points in the Gump-Fatties game Nahmy - Gump put up 110 and still lohst! That Peyton Manning is pretty good. And Woodhead (not you Woody) - I always liked him! They're one game behind Brokerage and have the toy-breakahs with the second-most points scored in the league.

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?""Like a baby treats a diaper."

Now why would someone change my face like dat Nahmy? Nahm! That's not funny! I don't even know what theah trying to say! Still, when I think of Fahve, I think of Dale's Dooahmats. They didn't have a bad week with 85 points, but it wasn't really that close against the Bandits. The Dooahmats ah 1 and 1/2 games out of the playoffs with 2 games left and no toy-breakahs. That reminds me of the once-a-decade cohnfluence of when Seahs and Redbook had theah catalogues come out in the same week. That's a painful week for a mailman Nahmy.

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.""I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

That's the Red Bandits tryin' to tell the season they're not ready to go home yet. I tell ya Nahmy, if the Cowboys had fired Wade Phillips two months ago, the Red Bandits might well be 7-4 right now instead of 4-7. That's how incompetent he was. Ya know, he'd fit in well on that bah stool next to you. Well, the Bandits are suddenly one game out of the playoffs with two to go and only 4 points behind Team Gump for the tie-breakah. Maybe they're tired of a certain eh Watchdahg callin' 'em "Lucky"all yee-ah.

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?""Another layer for the winter, Wood."

Do you remember when Diane asked how we can drink beeah on the coldest day of the year? And you said "$10 I'd have an answer, and $20 it'd be a doozy?" Well in the British East India Company (I think that was your $20 right there) they used to drink tea on the hottest day of the year because it balanced out their body temperature with the outside temperatures. And Diane says "then why do you drink beer in the hottest part of the summer?" And I said to her "What the hell else are you supposed to do with it?" Anyway, the Hundering Turd already clinched a playoff spowt. They're just putting on more layahs for the playoffs.

"Whatcha up to, Norm?""My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

Ah Nahmy, I love that Satuday Night Loive bit you did. By the by Nahmy, how ah you still aloive? And how is Pep & Cheez still aloive too? I mean they got Matt Cassel at Quawtahback, a 416 year old stahting running back and - it's a little know fact that no Receivah currently in the top 20 in the league in scoring did less in their first two years in the NFL than Steve Johnson. Yet here he is scoring 31 with three TDs for the Bills!

"How's life treating you, Norm?""Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

Well, Ben Rothlisbergah put up 40 points, got himself whacked in the face and had exactly no one on his team so much as breathe to Richahd Seymore about it. Interesting eh Nahmy? Brokerage didn't score the most points to lose this week, but they did get their hearts broken by that Eli guy and the Raven's D putting up 22 in one week against the Panthahs. I mean Brian St Pierre? How the heck are Brokerage supposed to combat that?!?

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?""It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

That's gotta be da Wombats. 84 points don't stink, but it wasn't gonna get it done against the Sprohkets this week. Sprohkets put up 122 points with one running back tied behind their back. If they'da stahted Mike Tolbert insteada Kevin Smith, they'da had nearly a Gross! Dats a lotta fantasy points Nahmy. Pooah Wombats.

And of cahse Nahmy, I can't do this whole thing without tellin' 'em your best line ever. Not sure what it has to do with Football, but still:

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."