Watchdog - what's a meta for?

Separating the men from the mice is not always as easy as falling off a bicycle. Separating Enchilada teams from the Toilet Bowl bound is like taking candy from a baby who is falling off a log though, and that is a tune of a different color. At mid-season, we'll separate the teams into their appropriate categories.

"Like a bull in the headlights":

Hundering Turd (1-6) - what do you do when your dreams come true and it's not quite like you planned? When you get the #1 scoring player in all of Fantasy Football for $15 and you're 1-6, something has gone tragically wrong. But how bad was this team really (before they pulled the plug)? They are the worst defensive fantasy team in the league, with 669 points against so far this year. Put another way, only Pep & Cheez has scored more points than whoever is playing the Turd each week. In their first 5 games, the fewest points scored against them was 91.

Tim & Kumar (0-7) - alertly traded for Matt Forte (#2 in scoring among non-QBs) before the season and for Darren Sproles during (16th), and yet...

Sprockets (1-6) - kudos for holding onto MJD despite a semi-decent trade offer from Natural Disaster, with Coach Feldman stating "we still can win this thing!" Whichever thing that is, I do not know, but I truly appreciate the attitude.

"Six dozen of one, half of the other":

Dale's Doormats (2-5), 3 games out of a playoff spot with 6 to play. Strangely, Roofiesburger and the Sanchize are 7th and 8th in QB scoring this year. Like bad scramble-golfers, one of them has outscored the other by more than 10 only twice so far this year. Sanchize has won 4 weeks, Roofie 3 weeks, including "beating" Sanchize 9-4 in week 4 scoring.

Semi-P (3-4), 535 points scored ranks 12th in the league, but they're one game out of the playoffs and they have the #1 scoring player in the league outside QBs in Calvin Johnson. Having Hightower out for the year bodes well for Torain. Mendenhall and Stevie Johnson, Gates and Gronkowski - this is a nice team other than at QB. Cutler is not going to get it done, so until they trade for Newton (or even Sanchize), they remain in the long-shot category.

Fatties (3-4), two games out with 6 to play - McFadden's injury could hardly have happened at a worse time. Fortunately they were alert enough to have Michael Bush already. Brady will of course keep them in contention each week. Benson picked a bad week to get suspended, with Bush on a bye. At least they have Muchostinko on the bench finally.

Dunder Mifflin (3-4), those pesky 4-game losing streaks do put a damper on things. Chris Johnson being on a pace for 700 yards rushing does not help. Stafford and Steve Smith can still carry this team. Question is, where?

"Dance with the horse that brought you":

Brokerage (4-3) - I'd feel a lot better about their chances if Ponder makes teams eschew the 10-men in the box strategy so often employed against Adrian Peterson when McNabb played QB. Vick, Lloyd, Bryant and Steelers D give them good-to-great performance. So Coach Lubert is now a big Ponder fan - think about that!

Wombats (5-2) - I'd feel a whole lot better about their chances if Eli wasn't so stinky, but he's decent as a fantasy QB, if not an actual QB. Giants' schedule gets tough after this week. A healthy Yo Arian and Colston goes a long way to putting this team into the next category.

Natural Disaster (6-1) - I'd feel a whole lot better about their chances if Philip Rivers wasn't 402nd in the passer rankings. Wasn't he supposed to be a top-6 QB? Seriously, he's got 3 more points than Grossman! Still, Rice and Jackson, Nicks, Fred Davis and #1 kicker (on average scoring) Dan Bailey gives this team enough depth to contend without a big year from Rivers. If he reverts to past form, they move up to Elite status. Meantime, despite the fancy record, with a mere 508 points scored against in 7 weeks, the jury is still out. Put another way, this would be like playing the Sprockets every week (no offense Kevin).

I in I/R (4-3) - When they get Andre Johnson back, with Bradshaw and Vernon Davis, along with that QB they traded for, I/R moves up to Elite status if Felix Jones can reclaim his starting job from DeMarco Murray or if Battle becomes at all useful. Could they trade Tebow for more help?

"Keep your eye on the tiger!"

Red Bandits (5-2) - Romo, Austin, Jennings and Steven Jackson, Owen Daniels, Gostkowski and Ravens D - their one weakness is second RB, where they rely on Beanie or Alfonso Smith for Arizona, or Addai or Monterio Hardesty. If they had any one top 5 player, they'd be even further up the rankings.

Team Gump (6-1) - Drew Brees, Michael Turner, Pierre Thomas, Dwayne Bowe, Devin Hester, Akers and Jets' D. With Brees, they have that firepower to give them a chance to win any game.

Pep & Cheez (6-1) - #1 in scoring, Matt Schaub, McCoy, Fitzgerald, Graham, Hanson and Eagles D - McCoy is second in scoring average (Jahvid Best is top 10), Fitzgerald and Graham are top notch. How good has Graham been? He's scored 40% more points than the second-highest scoring TE in the league (Gronk). Hanson is 4th in scoring average for kickers at age 41 (though I have more hair than him, so there!).

Watchdog - Week 6 - Bad 70s TV

People are always asking me "Watchdog, how do you come up with all the crazy stuff you come up with?" Well it's Rolling Stone of course. No wait, that doesn't make any sense either, even for me. Sometimes, I admit, it's hard coming up with new things to say. Almost, I imagine, like trying to write for a sit-com. Say, a really bad 70s sit-com, like the ones I love(d) so much. Sometimes you get it just right and it's Dy-no-mite! And sometimes it's more "Whatchutalkingabout Watchdog?" Toward that end then, bear with me (if you'll pardon the pun) and we'll see if these old shows have any wisdom to impart to us, shall we?

Remember when Ponch wanted to date that hot suntan lotion model, to find out later she was only 14? A cop falling for jail bait - high comedy indeed! How did he not know? Remember when Tim & Kumar drafted a team fronted by Donavon McNabb and the team that benched McNabb last year? How did they not know? If only they had some sort of draft selection matrix that would help them pick the best players. Maybe Buck Rodgers could've helped?

Before you say "Wait a minute Wheezey!" about the trade I/T just pulled off, remember how well these "sure things" have worked out in the past (see Manning, Peyton, or really just about any Wombats trade that involved draft picks in the past 5 years). That said, it would seem that the 3-3 I/T is indeed movin' on up.

One of the ways to tell if your favorite sit-com has run its course is when they add the cute 4-year old like the Partridge Family did with little Ricky here, or like the Red Bandits did by trading for Owen Daniels. Seriously? Meanwhile, it turns out Yugo Williams finally got recalled. Only a matter of time before Beanie and Montario, if those are their real names, get the ax.

Ah, the Christmas special. A staple of sit-coms from the dawn of television. If there was ever a human being less like Santa (physically), it would have to be Jimmy Walker right? Will Rashad Mendenhall's revival bring an early Christmas to Semi-P? Will the Gronkowski family reunion bring a tear to the eye of Coach King? Stay tuned next week to find out! (Oh no! It's the dreaded cliff-hanger ending!)

From the "How do they do that?" department, I often wondered how Tattoo got to Fantasy Island, how all the hot chicks went crazy over him and how Team Gump seems to end up with a playoff team every year. Not only did they get high points this week, they left 21 on the bench in Devin Hester. The great thing about Fantasy Island is that the basic premise calls for guest stars every week. The Watchdog could never get away with that, say having Nostramoosus guest star one week and quote Airplane! and Seinfeld the next. Nah, that'd never work...

In the 70s, it seems every show had it's great catch phrase (well at least my favorites did) Is it a coincidence that all the best catch phrases of the 70s were said by black actors? "Dy-No-Mite" "Whatchutalkinbout" and of course "Outta Sight!" combined with the double gunshot. Isaac was gangsta before you were allowed to be gangsta! Who else is outta sight? Gotta be Pep & Cheez! I'd be extremely impressed by their pickup of Raiders QBs if I thought Carson Palmer was better than Jason Campbell. Still, having a 49-point lead in the points race through 6 weeks is on the way to being out of sight. I'd be even more impressed if they hadn't cut Ronnie Brown right before he got traded to Detroit and made a starter.

In keeping with the theme:
Jack Tripper: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days! Janet Wood Dawson: Good times! Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!
Speaking of Little House on the Prairie, it's "come and get it" days at Hundering Turd Headquarters! And while Carson Palmer may be worth two #1 picks, and I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone the last time his QB rating was on the FM dial was 2006, I have to think the Turd should have gotten more than Matty Ice and a #1 for Aaron Rodgers. Feeling a little breezy in here Ken?

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." Perhaps the funniest episode in television history was Arthur Carlson's famed Thanksgiving Turkey Drop. If you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and find it. One might think that a team like Brokerage, stocked with Mike Vick, Adrian Peterson, Reggie the Vacator, Dez Bryant, Reggie Wayne, Kellen Winslow and Steelers D, would not be capable of putting up a 65, but sometimes the turkeys just get you down. At 4-2, they're holding a playoff spot, but Dunder Mifflin is just one back and has scored 45 more points on the season. Will this turkey fly?

One staple of sit-coms that wasn't really perfected until Friends was to have your stars be really hot chicks. (I never really decided who was the hotter chick, Joey, Chandler or Ross...) I always wondered, which of Laverne or Shirley was the hot one? Looking back, I wonder, why did I watch this show? Best I can come up with is what George Costanza told NBC when the executive asked him why people would watch their show about nothing: "Because it's on TV!" The Sprockets remind me of this, unfortunately in that, looking at their lineup, I can't tell which one is the hot one. MJD? Plays for the "Sucking for Luck" Jags. Dallas Clark? Not so pretty without Peyton. DeSean Jackson? He's like another Seinfeld episode, when Jerry was dating Two-Face, the girl that was either a stone-cold fox or a train wreck depending on the lighting. Jackson has three games of 14+ and three games of 4 or less. Yikes!

Ah, the guest star. One of the more unlikely sit-coms ever to use the guest star plot line is Gilligan's Island. Who among us who lived through it could ever forget when the Harlem Globetrotters dropped by for a week? And while the plot was always the same, somehow it worked. Perhaps it helped that Gilligan was ahead of it's time in that you could actually have a debate about who was hotter, MaryAnn or Ginger? There is no team who better represents all Gilligan's shrewdness and problem-solving ability than Natural Disaster. Add in that their roster features one TE, K and D and they will be kings of the guest star for the last 7 weeks of the season. We'll see if they ever get off that island known as the Toilet Bowl where they've been stranded seemingly forever.

What's more surprising? That the cute little girl with the pig tails and braces from the Facts of Life ended up looking like this?

Or that the guy with the cheesy smile and mullet hair cut ended up looking like this?
Now what's more surprising? That Dunder Mifflin's Matthew Stafford is still healthy almost half-way through our fantasy season? That Carolina's Steve Smith has had his career resurrected by Cam the Future Vacator? Or that Wes Welker may end up in the Hall of Fame someday?

When a show can combine the guest star appearance with the after school special theme, that's always a sign that show may be reaching the end of the line. Unfortunately, such was the case with Diff'rent Strokes, when Nancy "Just Say No" Reagan guested. Speaking of "just say no," that apparently is what Peyton Hillis says every time the coach tries to send him in, much to the chagrin of the Wombats. First it was strep throat, now his widdle weg hurts. You would think a guy 6'2" 250 pounds might be a little tougher than that. Has the Madden Curse struck again? Stay tuned!

The On-Location plot device. Another classic! Let's see, we have nothing new at all, but what if we use the exact same plot but in the Grand Canyon or Hawaii or something? When you have an ensemble as diverse and talented as the Brady Bunch, you might get away with that for a season or two. When you're Dale's Doormats and your five back-up RBs (Ridley's believe it or not, LaGarrette Bench, Tashard "not much of a" Choice, someone named Deji Vu Karim and Danny Knock On Woodhead) combine for 7 points, perhaps you should stick with guest star episodes. Isn't Joe Namath available these days?

Hard to believe looking at Henry Winkler now, but he was once cool enough to waterski in a leather jacket. Well, looking back, maybe he wasn't quite that cool. Any skiing enthusiast can appreciate just how hard this stunt is, to say anything of jumping the umm... Well, when you produce an episode that becomes synonymous with the killing the golden goose, that, that's not good. So has Tom Brady jumped the shark? His scoring by week: 44, 34, 39, 21, 18, 24. With the Patriots featuring the 32nd ranked defense in the NFL, they figure to have to throw, and I'm sure we all saw the two-minute drill against Dallas on Sunday. At least he's lost the Brady Hair, right Fatties? Anyway, there's a reason no sit-com ever again featured someone skiing over a man-eating shark. And there's a reason the Ryan Brothers keep shutting down New England's high-powered offense. If anyone else figures it out, the Fatties will be in real jeopardy of pulling the same old plot - a great team and a great season followed by an appearance in the Toilet Bowl.

Watchdog Week 5 - mystery solved!

Did you ever wonder what happened to that poor shlub they got to do Kermit the Frog's voice after Jim Henson died? Me neither. But even so, I found him, and I am nonplussed to report he is gainfully employed. Now, you may be asking "Watchdog, what does this have to do with fantasy football?" I'm glad you asked. (You did ask, didn't you?)


http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights (sorry about the ad)


Now aren't you glad we figured that out? On to the next mystery! For you younger readers of the Watchdog, you may be asking "Watchdog, what the heck is a muppet?" Well, believe it or not, the Muppet Show used to be one of the biggest shows on TV, winning 4 primetime Emmy Awards including 1978 Most Outstanding Comedy-Variety or Music Series. Moreover, and more directly to our purposes today, in it's original four-year run, the show featured some of the biggest names in entertainment. Shall we explore this mystery together and see if it sheds some light on our current fantasy football season? I knew that you would. Let's see if Kermit can help guide us through the league this year.

Well, are we in for a treat here with the Watchdog today. It's Mystery Week here. Mystery number one is, will Team Gump get a legitimate offer for either of their top 5 QBs, Drew Brees or the Pink Panther? To clear up the matter, we'll call on Chief Inspector Clouseau himself. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers. Waaaaah! "Eet eez elementary, my dear Gonzo. Dere is no way zee Gumpsters vill trade zee Pink Panzer in a keeper league. Zee beeger mystery today is why Frenchmen any movie today speak with zee Eengleesh accent, non? Mais, Sacre Bleu, do you not see zee beegest mystery of all? Team Gump eez tied for zee best record in zee league!"


And now, we're really fortunate to have Luke Skywalker, C3PO, R2-D2 and Chewbacca here from a little movie you may have heard of. So now it's time for another installment of Pigs In Spaaaace. STATLER: I wonder if there really is life on another planet.WALDORF: Why do you care? You don’t have a life on this one? Speaking of mysteries, what ever happened to Mark Hamill? Well, he ended up as the voice of the Joker on Batman cartoons. Whatever happened to Ben Roofiesberger? Well he threw for five TDs on Sunday, or two more than he'd thrown for in his previous four games combined. And whatever happened to Dale's Doormats? Well after an 0-3 start, they've won two in a row. Yaaaay!


Sam The Bald Eagle: Mr Cooper... Alice Cooper: Yes? [Sam loses composure for a second, then continues] Sam The Bald Eagle: Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty, freako! Alice Cooper: Why, thank you! Sam The Bald Eagle: Freako's one, civilization zero. [Alice licks finger, marks a score] And speaking of freaks, what is Calvin Johnson doing on Semi-P? Megatron is on a pace to shatter the record for highest percentage of his fantasy team's points scored in a season with currently just over 25%. That is one freaky individual.



WALDORF: They aren’t half bad.STATLER: Nope, they’re ALL bad! One of the least mysterious mysteries we're looking into today is why a guy like Elton John would ever agree to do the show. However, when investigating what happened to Tim & Kumar this week, it appears a time zone zap got Coach Haas, as he submitted a claim for Oakland D to replace the Cowboys in their bye-week at 1:30PM for the 1PM eastern start. Sometimes vacationing in LA-LA Land is more than just an expression! And in this case, the 7-point differential meant an 83-77 loss and an 0-5 start to the season for Tim & Kumar.

Kermit: You may serve us now, please. Insolent Waiter: Oh... may I? Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Ryan Fitzpatrick had 88 points in three games before the Sprockets traded for him. Since then? 20 points total in two games. Ryan, you can stop stinking now. Ryan Fitzpatrick: "Oh... may I?"

Ladies and Gentlefrogs, Mr. Paul Simon, Waaaahhh!!!! "For youuu... I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe -- for yoouuuu!" In a game reminiscent of Eli's Restaurant Massacree, this year's "good Manning" threw for 420 yards and three TDs, leading the Wombats to victory. It was that one pick-six that had Giants' fans thinking of frying their legs and eating them too, as in Gonzo's song written to/for Paul.

Stadler: Waldorf!! Wake up! Here come the bikinis! Waldorf: Oh boy! Let's syncronize our pace makers! By far the hottest team in the league is Team Brokerage. And while they may not be Raquel Welch hot, they certainly can be as hot as her singing partner in this next number, so let's all give a big hand for Michael Vick and his 1-4 Eagles as Raquel, Miss Piggy and Miss Vicky sing "I Can Bring Home the Bacon!" Yaaaayyy!!!!



Fozzie: [drinking champagne] You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale. Another mystery I'd like to take a bite out of is this whole vampire craze. What's so new about it? In fact, Mr. Vincent Price showed me a thing or two about becoming a vampire. And he showed the Red Bandits a thing or two about how to avoid curses, crosses, mirrors and sunlight. Getting 26 points out of Alex Smith on a spot start has to be some kind of black magic, even strong enough to counter the jinx they put on their own team with their team logo. A team this scary? That bites!


Kermit: What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed. Zoot: Oh, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery. Animal: Renoir!
Ladies and gentlefrogs, Natural Disaster does look a bit upset right now. They had a 21-point lead going into Monday Night, an 18-point lead after 40 minutes of the Lions' game and a one-point lead with one possession left. All the Bears had to do was force the Lions to go 3-and-out and ND would escape with a 100-99 win. First play of the drive? 25-yard dash for Jahvid Best, game over. That was a stinker, not a thinker, to paraphrase Apollo Creed.

Statler: Wake up you old fool. You slept through the show.Waldorf: Who's a fool? You watched it. Ladies and Gentlemen, Rocky Balboa! Singing? About as good, the Fatties this week, losing their third straight. When Muchostinko is in your starting lineup on purpose, chances are, your season has taken a wrong turn somewhere.

Statler: Well, that was different.Waldorf: Yep. Lousy...Both: ...but different! Here's a mystery for you, Ladies and Gentlefrogs: how does the team with the single-highest-scoring player in the league, and by a good margin, hold a record of 1-4? Let's take a look at the Hundering Turd and find out. This week, Adrian Peterson had his first 30-point regular-season effort since opening day 2009. In week 3, Rob Gronkowski had his first 100-yard multi-TD game of his career. In week 2, Fred Davis had the best game of his career. And in week 1, David Akers and Jeremy Shockey combined for 20 points, compared to 3 from his TE/K. Or as Roy McElroy put it after the first round of the US Open: "I had a six-foot put rim out for me on 18 that would've given me an 82."


"Dun't vurry iff yuoo boorn zee tup, joost toorn it upseede-doon und blame-a zee Norvegian." Or in Dunder Mifflin's case, falling to 3-2 by falling just short of handing the Red Bandits their second loss of the season, blame the guy who drafted your team, not the guy who had Matthew Stafford starting against da Bears when Matt Cassel was throwing for 4 TDs against the hapless Colts D. No way to have seen that one coming.


Now let's go over to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Well the exciting things we're cooking up in the lab today are for There is an I in I/R. Yes, they got their second win of the season this week. How is indeed a mystery my assistant Beaker is working on. But in the meantime, the more interesting development may be the creation of a new quarterback in Denver, Colorado. Beaker, can you explain what happened to Kyle Orton? Beaker?


Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women. That's my motto. Kermit: But I can't. Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I. And that's my trouble. And that was Rudolph Nureyev's trouble with this dance with someone who may be Miss Piggy. And as scary-looking as his dance partner may be, it's no scarier than having to start Matt Schaub when Andre Johnson is out for 3-4 weeks. And yet, 416 yards and two TDs later, Pep & Cheez has cruised to a routine 107-100 win, again getting the winning points in run-out-the-clock time at 11:30PM on Monday Night. Not that I'm bitter.


Well that's just about all the time we have for mysteries this week. Join us next week when our guest star will be the fabulous Johnny Cash! Yaaaayyy!!!!


Statler: I guess all's well that ends well. Waldorf: Doesn't matter to me, as long as it ends.

Watchdog - week four - Turdbusters!

Are you troubled by strange injuries by your players in the middle of the game? Do you experience feelings of dread when putting in your lineup? Have you or your co-owner ever been spooked, jinxed or whammied by another team? If the answer is “yes,” then don’t wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals… Turdbusters. Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs. We’re ready to believe you.

Dr. Ray Stanz: We used to roast Stay-Puft marshmellows by the fire at Camp Waconda. Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon… what’ve you got left?Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. - When discussing the lack of rational thought, two things come to mind: Semi-R and Mike Shanahan. And in this week's games, Semi-R got Shanahaned - his old team gave their #1 RB (Moreno) a total of 11 yards while his new team gave their #3 back (Torain) 135 yards and a TD. Throw in the mysterious disappearance of Gronk (is he haunted by the cutting of his brother?) and the Bears remembering Cutler stinks and it's time to hit the chorus: Who ya gonna call?

Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes… Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave. Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria. - The Sprockets made a seemingly brilliant trade to trade from their surplus of WRs and give up Dez Bryant for seemingly brilliant Harvard Fitzpatrick and it all worked seemingly brilliantly as DeSean Jackson, Sidney Rice and even back-up Eric Decker all put up 13+ points. Brilliant! Until... the Bills took such an insurmountable lead against the Bengals. Unaccustomed to playing from in front, Harvard immediately put up a game not seen since he was last QB in Cincy. He does get bonus points for the 25 receiving yards, but not enough to avoid the 0-4 start. Who ya gonna call?

He slimed me. - It's not often when one injury kills two teams' hopes of winning, but such was the case when the whammy put on Andre Johnson leapt up and bit him in the hammy. Pep & Cheez, the #1 scoring team on the season, would have been better off with Curtis Painter at QB than Schaub, that's how bad things were once Andre went down.

Dr Ray Stantz: Listen! Do you smell something? - And of course the other team that got slimed was the team that owns Andre, I in I/T. Despite having scored 76 more points than 3-1 Wombats on the season and only 18 fewer than 4-0 Disaster, they are staring at 1-3 on the young season. They've endured a season-ending injury to #2 WR Kenny Britt and the very next week watched their #1 WR go down for no particular reason.

Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"! - Previously undefeated Dunder Mifflin did everything they could to move to 4-0, putting up eleventy-one against the Hundering Turd, making every correct decision in terms of who to start, having the Lions let the Cowboys get out to an insurmountable lead and even put the whammy on the Turd by making them rely on the same Mike Williams who got shut out in week three to get them 4 or more points. Except the Turd had their mojo working for the first time this season and they got not 4, but six from Williams. Shoulda called...

Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown - Team Brokerage got what I refer to as the perfect game from Mike Vick - 416 yards passing, 75 rushing, 2 TDs and an Eagles loss. Sweet. With Mathews looking passable, Adrian Peterson rounding into form, the alert acquisition of Dez Bryant and even the "make sure he's healthy before starting him" choice this year, Brokerage is indeed showing all us prehistoric bitches how to do things downtown. They're now 3-0 against teams that don't score 100 points against them so you better bring your unlicensed nuclear accelarator with you when you play them.

Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back. - I always love how Egon and Veckman just edge subtly away from Stantz after that comment. Speaking of edging subtly away, perhaps the rest of us should steer clear of the Turd if Aaron Rodgers is going to go nuclear on us like that. He had nearly half the points for the Turd for the week with six TDs on the day. And yes, they needed almost every one of Mike Williams' points last night, but they still got that cockroach up on six. (No offense intended to Dunder.)

Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal. Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon. - Tim & Kumar had an 18-point lead going into last night's stink-fest, with only LeGarrette Blount to worry about. And through 56 minutes, the game appeared well in hand. Until... yes, the 9-point 35-yards TD scamper. And so T&K is sitting at 0-4. Time to cross the streams, right Egon?

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, no job is too big, no fee is too big! - there were simply too many good lines to use, so I left a few of them in here unrelated to anything.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for? Louis: Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you! - What sign are you waiting for that Natural Disaster is back this year? Is it that whammy they put on Andre Johnson? Or how about the Jedi Mind Trick they pulled on the refs to call Victor Cruz' blunder "giving himself up." I'm pretty sure they made that rule up on the spot. But somehow it worked. Next play, bam - 30-yard TD to Hakeem Nicks. I'm reminded of the Family Guy quote: "Guy I know bought a car through the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes." Disaster has gotten through the first four games unscathed, but now have to negotiate the bye-weeks with a lopsided roster (as previously mocked) and a history of making bad trades. The coming fall could make them yearn for the comparative comfort of being roasted in the depths of a Slor.

Dr. Egon Spengler: I'm worried, Ray. It's getting crowded in there and all my data points to something big on the horizon. Winston Zeddemore: What do you mean, big? Dr. Egon Spengler: Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. Winston Zeddemore: That's a big Twinkie. - OK, another semi-random stat on Team Gump's back-up QB Cam the Future Vacator - Sunday was his third game this year with 374 or more yards passing. In John Elway's first 170 games, he topped that total just once. (Thanks to Peter King at SI.com for that nougat.) The only game the Panthers have won so far this year? Yep, the one he passed for 158 yards. Coincidence? I don't think. Anyway, the Gumpsters are so good, they can afford to leave Future Vacator on the bench and still win easy.

Dr. Egon Spengler: We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue. Louis: Okay.

Dr Ray Stantz: I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft! Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinkin', Ray. - The Wombats got their first win as well this week thanks to the remergence of Arian Foster's hamstring. I love when a coach says "we want to limit (player X) to no more than 20-25 carries" and then promptly hands him the ball 30 times. What's the worst that could happen right? Anyway, Peyton Hillis recovers from the Madden Curse striking him down with strep throat and the Wombats are starting to look capable of stepping on a church or two. Pep & Cheez, you couldn't knock them down to 0-4? Nice thinking, Brian.

Peter Venkman: Is there any history of mental illness in your family?
Librarian: I had an uncle who thought he was Saint Jerome.
Peter Venkman: I'd take that as a yes. - I don't know about Saint Jerome, but the Fatties have a remarkable history of putting up some of the best scoring teams in league history and yet struggling to make the playoffs. To wit, this year's version is just 44 points off the pace for the Wilt Chamberlain Award and sits at 2-2. How? When they fail to score at least 103 points, they have yet to win, losing week 3 to P&C 124-96 and losing this week to the Bandits 155-80. Fortunately the schedule gets a bit easier from here, with games against I/T, the Wombats and Natural Disaster coming up.

Ray Stantz: Hey, where do these stairs go?
Peter Venkman: They go up. - It was Dale's Doormats who got off the schneid with Blount's game-winning scamper. With Stevan Ridley being the flavor of the week for the Pats and AJ Green on his way to perhaps the best rookie season by a WR since Randy Moss, is this the stairway up for Coach Dale? (And yes, I know that's not what the picture is - I think you know what the quote was for that, but I had too many quotes and too many pictures to use them all.)

We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass! - Red Bandits got more TDs from Ravens D than anyone not named Romo (who they also have) or Rodgers. They also got a career day from Beanie Wells. How big? Last year he had 397 yards and 5 TDs for the season. In three games this year, he has 321 yards and 5 TDs. And in one fell swoop, the Bandits are 1 point behind Pep & Cheez for the points race.

One more time (just to make sure the song is stuck in your heads all day): WHO YA GONNA CALL?