Watchdog Salutes Real Men of Genius

The Watchdog Salutes Real Men of Genius

With 13 of the 14 teams at either 2-1 or 1-2, it's time for the Watchdog to earn his pay and help you separate the Real Men of Genius from the just plain Real Men. Sorry for all the links - I'd have just put pictures in but there weren't any. Hope you enjoy the shmorgasbord.

First up has to be the Mighty E-Head - my all time favorite - Mr. Footlong Hotdog Inventor. Sure, they're just 1-2, but they feature Steve Sluton, Antonio "Hot" Gates, and Neil "Big" Rackers. If only they had Reggie Bush, or at least Michael. Maybe next year! But thanks, Mr. Footlong Hotdog Inventor, for giving us all a bigger weiner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotxdkKx-tA&feature=PlayList&p=DCFE5C2BF4569FE0&index=2

Semi-P is next up - Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy. With a new stadium that is 3 times as big as the Meadowlands, yet half as loud, and featuring a team of three Cowboys and no Texans, strangely a team that had just one player score more than 17 points on the whole roster this week, and they hold the longest winning streak in the league. Proving (I guess) that you just don't mess with Texas. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apMyjOAacyA&feature=PlayList&p=DCFE5C2BF4569FE0&index=15

Electric Mayhem is Mr. Pro Sports Heckler Guy. Those who can't coach sit 30 rows back with no shirt. That's right m*****-f*****. And while Semi-P had only one player score more than 17, Mayhem had just one score more than 12. So while there's no I in team, there's certainly and F and a U. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x0MbVYVE2A&feature=PlayList&p=DCFE5C2BF4569FE0&index=23

Pep & Cheez - Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer. Sweet mercy, some one crack open a window. After really stinking the joint up in the first two weeks (a total of 93 points in 2 weeks), Pep & Cheez dumped all over us with a high points for week 3 proving that the one you never hear coming is always the one that sends you running for the door weeping. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEYInUvLalQ

Tim & Kumar: Mr. Really Bad Toupee Wearer - Yes, they have five potential Pro Bowl Wide Receivers, but somehow they're not able to comb those over the Cadillac Williams, Seneca Wallace/Chad Henne expanse of their bald lineup. I mean it couldn't look worse if it had a chin-strap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOgQcyklEBc&feature=related

Sprockets - Mr. Pro Wrestling Wardrobe Designer - While lesser managers would shy away from putting LeRon "Die Hard" McClain with Fragile Fred Taylor, while many would shudder to have Tampa Bay QBs on their roster, while basic decency would compel a normal person from putting 300-pound men into spandex , pairing leather boots and thongs, tights and a cape. But Feldman has no such qualms. Clinton "Parliament Funk" Portis and Chris "Lightning" Johnson: a very understated way of saying they're going to tear our heads off and look fabulous doing it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCK5l9euX_o&feature=related

Team Gump - Mr. Tiny Thong Bikini Wearer - Sometimes it pays to have a little here and a little there right? Like having Adrian Peterson AND Peyton Manning on the same team. Just know that if you weren't wearing that, we'd ask you to take a bow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7c_ceCOQZg&feature=related

Hundering Turd - Mr. Athletic Groin Protector Inventor - Just 2 points from remaining undefeated on the season, they say "here, stick this in your pants." With "Summer" Brees, Big Man Jacobs and Steve Breaston (no nickname necessary), we're just nuts about you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjHvHjczdGc&feature=related

Brokerage - Mr. Male Football Cheerleader - I did mention that one team has yet to get off the schnide this season. Knock 'em back all the way to Hackensack. You may not score a touchdown, but you're peppy and that's gotta count for something. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmC4LqJxTJY&feature=related

Dale's Doormats - Mr. Overly Competitive Touch Football Player - their back-ups could have beaten ten of the starting lineups this week. You wanna make somethin' of it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgnS9bmP_qw&NR=1

Red Bandits - Mr. Really Really Bad Dancer Guy - Their 4 RBs combined to score 5 points this week. Talk about busting a move. You're either dancing or you have fleas. TO is held without a catch for the first time in 185 games. Somehow, I think, not the last time this season though. Is that all you got playa? Who's in the house? Some guy who can't dance, that's who. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFfq6J-rKns

Fatties - Mr. All You Can Eat Buffet Inventor - pre-season #1 by almost every poll. If there's beef, they'll chip it! The Fatties are definitely taking a different approach so far this year - putting together a team that SHOULD be fully satisfying, with Forte and DeAngelo Williams - but in fact looks bloated and teetering off to the rest room. They are now dead last in points scored on the season. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHNt9rXSsTM

Fish - Mr. Push-up Bra Inventor - never before has one team done so much with so little. A team basically constructed of Matt Schaub, a couple of wide receivers and Ryan Longwell is now 2-1 and just 20 points out of the lead in the Points Race. "Va Va Voom!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUCE2XYF8vI

Wombats - Mr. Handlebar Mustache Wearer - Klye Orton and Jake Delhomme are your starting QBs? Heaven knows we wouldn't be caught dead in one, but it looks good on you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M48av7BiCMs

I couldn't find my other all-time favorite - Mr. Giant Foam Finger Inventor Man. Besides, they only make one kind of Giant Foam Finger. Anyway, you guys already know what number you are.

Who will watch the Watchdog?

Joe Morganstern, ace movie reviewer of the Wall Street Journal, described the movie "The Watchmen" as akin to "getting whacked in the head with a blunt object for 2 and a half hours." Some might refer to reading the Watchdog with similar sentiments. "Who will read the Watchdog?" might be a more appropriate question. Nevertheless, the question remains - does the Watchdog get to just howl at the moon without anyone throwing cold water on the poor mutt? Well today, we're going to go for full accountability.


Last week's pre-season analysis, vague as it was, seemed to indicate the Fatties, E-Head, Sprockets and Gumpsters were the teams to beat. It seems the Dog was half right - E-Head and Fatties were indeed beaten, putting up nary a whimper in protest.

The Fatties, widely regarded as having the best QB/RB trio in the league got a nice run of 46 points from those 3, but just 9 points from their other 5 starters. Turns out you do need receivers, tight ends and even a kicker in this league!

E-Head, however, got that message and then some - getting 42 of their 68 points from those positions, but just 26 from Old Man Rivers, the two Steves (Jackson & Slaton), as well as Weekend at Bernie Barrian. Who'd have thought Rivers was the wrong QB play, facing the Raiders?

The Gumpsters did in fact look decent, as Adrian "AD" Peterson will help make anyone look pretty good. The good news for the rest of us is the Vikings don't play Cleveland again this year. The bad news is, I'm not sure it'll matter. Chances are Peyton Manning will throw for more than 1 TD per game too.

The Turd got more from Drew Brees than from the rest of their starting line-up. Again, the good news here is that the Saints don't play Detroit again this season. I may be going out on a limb here with a saw, but I have to say I feel confident that Brees will slacken off his pace for 96 TD passes this season.

As the great comedian once said, "It's better to look good than to feel good." Dale's Doormats are certainly looking good with a solid all-around effort - 5 starters with at least 12 points. But look a little deeper at Jay Cutler's Bears' debut and something smells a bit off. By the way, was anyone else surprised at how many chins a 26-year old star quarterback has? No, not Chinese phonebook level, but still...

For the Bandits, things actually went according to the Watchdog's script. Tomlinson got hurt, TO complaining in week one, but a deep team that still has a chance. It's funny though, I thought Rodgers played a lot better than 184 yards and one TD. TO looked like he was in midseason form at his press conference yesterday, saying the Bills "missed a lot of opportunities". Hmmm - I wonder which opportunities he meant?

Meanwhile, I thought Warner played much worse than 288 yards and 1 TD. But the Sprockets did have Santonio Banderas Holmes and Kate Winslow Jr.

No, Brokerage, you do not get any points for Brandon Marshall tipping the ball to Stokely. Keep in mind when setting this week's starting lineup that the Eagles' D does not face Jake Delhomme again this week. May not repeat last week's 5 INT, 5 Sack, Defensive TD performance. Don't say I didn't warn you!

T&K got 49 points from Seattle QB and Orange Julius - yes the Hawks do play the Rams again this year, but only one more time. Meanwhile, they got a total of 4 points from their kicker and D and due to expert management, they have no back-up at either position.

What would you say about a team who had their highest scorer for week one leave the game with cracked ribs? Such is the plight of Pep & Cheez. Add a little knee twist to Anthony Gonzalez, Pierre Thomas not ready for week one and Anquan Boldin getting 1 point and suddenly the Pizza Boyz might be scrambling to get that Enchilada. Sounds like the change at the top has led to a certain consistency in effort...

Wombats put up excellent scores this week but with a grain of salt - their winning margin came from a) Jeremy Shockey getting his first two scores in more than 2 years, and/or b) the Bungles playing volleyball, allowing Kyle Orton to claim the record for longest winning TD-pass in the final minute of a game in NFL history. Kyle Orton?

Let's see, you draft two great WRs, the best TE in league history, a good kicker, a top 5 D and sprinkle in a few RBs that occassionally have good weeks... Sometimes it's not terribly difficult - kinda like shooting Fish?

When your QBs are both from Ohio, neither of your RBs led his team in rushing and your one kicker plays on the only team in the NFL not to score in week one...

Right Semi-P?

So if the Mayhem has a good season this year, will more people complain about the talent dump they did last year? Will more people copy what they did? Or some of each?!!?! That said, when 53 points comes from Tony Romo's career best day and an unknown Tight End getting 2 TDs, getting a repeat performance will be the trick.

One last thought on predictions....

The Watchdog's Guide to the Galaxy

Before we get to the Watchdog's Draft Report, a couple of housekeeping items.



Please get your $130 entry fee to Haas Chaudhry by the end of week one to avoid the $10 per week penalty on your waiver wire funds. Checks can be sent care of Paladin Catastrophe Management, 51 Grove Street, Suite 3, Chester, NJ 07930. Thanks.


Also, please note any roster changes can be made free and clear at any time on a first-come first-serve basis from now until opening day. If you have questions about how the waiver wire works, please notify your commissioner.





















Welcome back (some of you for the first time)! Like Mike Vick, I feel just blessed to be here and be able to make fun of you fine people. But seriously, what a fine draft by everybody. You should all be proud. Well, most of you, anyway.




HYPER-INTELLIGENT SHADE OF BLUE: Fatties - more than most, they need to pay their health insurance. With Michael Turner approaching 400 carries last year, DeAngelo Williams' checkered injury history and Brady suddenly looking like Creed in Creed v Drago, they may need to make sure they have their towel with them. Questionable strategy waiting until the 10th round to take a back-up QB and then settling on Sanchez (who may be fine, but has no receivers, so we may never know). Interesting that the Fatties are absolutely bloated at running back, taking full advantage of the new flex roster rules the way ol' Two Plates takes full advantage of the all you can eat buffet. All that said, I wouldn't want to have them on my schedule. Another season of leading the league in points and missing the playoffs seems in the offing.





SMART AS DOLPHINS: "For instance, on planet Earth, man had always assumed he was more intelligent than dolphins because he ahd achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. Mighty E-Head - nothing spectacular, but top 10 or breakout guys at just about every position. SD and BAL qbs, both with easy schedules. Slaton, Steven Jackson and two of the three leading RB candidates for Denver; DeSean Jackson, Berrian (with breakout potential now that he has a QB for the first time since Pop Warner), Gates, two good kickers and Atlanta D. Fear the Head!





SMART AS MAN: Sprockets - a shrewd pre-draft trade of Roddy White for Chris Johnson, along with Keeper Clinton Portis gives the Sprockets excellent RB tandem, along with TD machine LeRon Die Hard McClain and Fragile "Not Dead Yet" Fred Taylor. QBs like Arizona are sneaky good because while everyone and their sister is sure Warner won't last the season, you also get Leinart, who has finally looked like he knows what he's doing back there this pre-season. Nothing special at WR, but Driver and Holmes are as good as any pair outside the top 8. Kellen Winslow, Green Akers and Miami Ds round out a surprisingly good draft for the always tall Sprockets.





HOOPY FROODS WHO KNOW WHERE THEIR TOWEL IS: Gump - you know, for a long time I thought we might get through this year's draft without hearing "Taken" when Gump was up, but they hit their stride late. That said, they also ended up with perhaps the scariest starting lineup in the league. Peyton, All-Day Peterson, T Jones, Lee Evans, Cotchery, Boss, Gould and Bears D. Call me taken with their chances!

THE ULTIMATE ANSWERS:
These teams may have the ultimate answer, but like Deep Thought, they have no idea what the question was.

"How many roads must a man walk down?" Hundering Turd - 42? Excellent. Any team with Drew Brees has a shot in a given week. Add Jacobs, Lynch (when he's back from doing whatever he bought that whizzinator for), Colston, Cooley, Keading, Dewey, Cheetem & Howe, and you've got something. Just don't ask what it is.

"Why?" "No, it doesn't fit. Why? 42. See?" Red Bandits - Packers D and a bunch of injury prone RBs, TO and TJH and the word "why" does tend to come to mind.

"Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?" "How much?" "None at all." - Brokerage - Unlike the Fatties, who got quantity at RB but quality only at the top, Brokerage got quality all the way through, from James Davis up to Matt Forte. Their main problem is, we didn't adopt the flexible starting team rule and they're limited to just 2 RBs per week. Why is that a problem? They have no QB, WR, TE or K to speak of. But they can run right over you.

"It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water." Tim & Kumar (formerly known as BYOB) - can Hasselback come back? Or is it "so long and thanks for all the fish"? With the best WR corps in the league, it is puzzling why they spent a 5th roster spot on one, particularly with no star RB. Still, Fitzy and Cal-John (take me away), they'll win more than a few.

"We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem." - Wombats - four very good RBs is usually a good strategy (and a 5th with potential). Will Kyle Orton be servicable at QB? Some under-rated WRs and one good TE, though one wasted pick (there's a Shockey). Two kickers in the auction again. Situation normal. As usual (and a very viable plan) they were trying to work Electric Mayhem for a post-draft trade, which could put them up the charts a bit.

"You know, it's times like this that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young." "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen." Fish in a Barrel (formerly known as the Mavs) - after Tim & Kumar, the best WRs in the league. Like T&K, they need a shaky QB to step up. Sproles and LD "don't call me Orson" White figure to be at least serviceable, and with injury-prone backfieldmates, they could be excellent.

"Sheesh, you guys are so un-hip, it's a wonder your bums don't fall off" - Pep & Cheez - a very thin team, with Eagles QB, Pierre Thomas, Anquan Boldin, and Greg Olsen, but also Oakland QBs, Larry the Ancient Mariner Johnson, Kindafast Willie Parker and a group of WRs who would make Doctor No look like Jerry Rice.

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." Dale's Doormats - other than QB, they have as good a team as any in the league. So if Cutler can do what no other Bears QB has ever done, and become a good fantasy QB, Dale's Doormats will finally get that second ring.

TIME TO HIT THE PAN-GALACTIC GARGLEBLASTERS:

"Mostly Harmless" Semi-Precious - yes, they have Randy Moss and Mark Witten, but little else. Chad MuchoStinquo is done, Austin Mason sounds like a soap opera star, not a pair of receivers. Brady Quinn and Carson Palmer at QB - I'm afraid their season comes down to whether Palmer can regain his magic touch. I'm afraid we all know the Ultimate Answer to that question.

"I'd much rather by happy that right any day." "And are you?" "Ahh... No." Electric Mayhem - start with the pre-draft trade of Chris Johnson for Roddy White in a year where good RBs are scarce. Continue on with passing on every star available in the auction despite having 9 picks in the first 5 rounds of the draft. Proudly selecting the only player in the NFL draft that hasn't signed a contract yet. Using a second round pick on a 7th round talent (John Carlson). And that's not even mentioning selecting a guy named "Beanie." I'm thinking of a word to describe this and it rhymes with Beanie.