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Welcome back (some of you for the first time)! Like Mike Vick, I feel just blessed to be here and be able to make fun of you fine people. But seriously, what a fine draft by everybody. You should all be proud. Well, most of you, anyway.
HYPER-INTELLIGENT SHADE OF BLUE: Fatties - more than most, they need to pay their health insurance. With Michael Turner approaching 400 carries last year, DeAngelo Williams' checkered injury history and Brady suddenly looking like Creed in Creed v Drago, they may need to make sure they have their towel with them. Questionable strategy waiting until the 10th round to take a back-up QB and then settling on Sanchez (who may be fine, but has no receivers, so we may never know). Interesting that the Fatties are absolutely bloated at running back, taking full advantage of the new flex roster rules the way ol' Two Plates takes full advantage of the all you can eat buffet. All that said, I wouldn't want to have them on my schedule. Another season of leading the league in points and missing the playoffs seems in the offing.
SMART AS DOLPHINS: "For instance, on planet Earth, man had always assumed he was more intelligent than dolphins because he ahd achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. Mighty E-Head - nothing spectacular, but top 10 or breakout guys at just about every position. SD and BAL qbs, both with easy schedules. Slaton, Steven Jackson and two of the three leading RB candidates for Denver; DeSean Jackson, Berrian (with breakout potential now that he has a QB for the first time since Pop Warner), Gates, two good kickers and Atlanta D. Fear the Head!
SMART AS MAN: Sprockets - a shrewd pre-draft trade of Roddy White for Chris Johnson, along with Keeper Clinton Portis gives the Sprockets excellent RB tandem, along with TD machine LeRon Die Hard McClain and Fragile "Not Dead Yet" Fred Taylor. QBs like Arizona are sneaky good because while everyone and their sister is sure Warner won't last the season, you also get Leinart, who has finally looked like he knows what he's doing back there this pre-season. Nothing special at WR, but Driver and Holmes are as good as any pair outside the top 8. Kellen Winslow, Green Akers and Miami Ds round out a surprisingly good draft for the always tall Sprockets.
HOOPY FROODS WHO KNOW WHERE THEIR TOWEL IS: Gump - you know, for a long time I thought we might get through this year's draft without hearing "Taken" when Gump was up, but they hit their stride late. That said, they also ended up with perhaps the scariest starting lineup in the league. Peyton, All-Day Peterson, T Jones, Lee Evans, Cotchery, Boss, Gould and Bears D. Call me taken with their chances!
THE ULTIMATE ANSWERS:
These teams may have the ultimate answer, but like Deep Thought, they have no idea what the question was.
"How many roads must a man walk down?" Hundering Turd - 42? Excellent. Any team with Drew Brees has a shot in a given week. Add Jacobs, Lynch (when he's back from doing whatever he bought that whizzinator for), Colston, Cooley, Keading, Dewey, Cheetem & Howe, and you've got something. Just don't ask what it is.
"Why?" "No, it doesn't fit. Why? 42. See?" Red Bandits - Packers D and a bunch of injury prone RBs, TO and TJH and the word "why" does tend to come to mind.
"Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?" "How much?" "None at all." - Brokerage - Unlike the Fatties, who got quantity at RB but quality only at the top, Brokerage got quality all the way through, from James Davis up to Matt Forte. Their main problem is, we didn't adopt the flexible starting team rule and they're limited to just 2 RBs per week. Why is that a problem? They have no QB, WR, TE or K to speak of. But they can run right over you.
"It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water." Tim & Kumar (formerly known as BYOB) - can Hasselback come back? Or is it "so long and thanks for all the fish"? With the best WR corps in the league, it is puzzling why they spent a 5th roster spot on one, particularly with no star RB. Still, Fitzy and Cal-John (take me away), they'll win more than a few.
"We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem." - Wombats - four very good RBs is usually a good strategy (and a 5th with potential). Will Kyle Orton be servicable at QB? Some under-rated WRs and one good TE, though one wasted pick (there's a Shockey). Two kickers in the auction again. Situation normal. As usual (and a very viable plan) they were trying to work Electric Mayhem for a post-draft trade, which could put them up the charts a bit.
"You know, it's times like this that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young." "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen." Fish in a Barrel (formerly known as the Mavs) - after Tim & Kumar, the best WRs in the league. Like T&K, they need a shaky QB to step up. Sproles and LD "don't call me Orson" White figure to be at least serviceable, and with injury-prone backfieldmates, they could be excellent.
"Sheesh, you guys are so un-hip, it's a wonder your bums don't fall off" - Pep & Cheez - a very thin team, with Eagles QB, Pierre Thomas, Anquan Boldin, and Greg Olsen, but also Oakland QBs, Larry the Ancient Mariner Johnson, Kindafast Willie Parker and a group of WRs who would make Doctor No look like Jerry Rice.
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." Dale's Doormats - other than QB, they have as good a team as any in the league. So if Cutler can do what no other Bears QB has ever done, and become a good fantasy QB, Dale's Doormats will finally get that second ring.
TIME TO HIT THE PAN-GALACTIC GARGLEBLASTERS:
"Mostly Harmless" Semi-Precious - yes, they have Randy Moss and Mark Witten, but little else. Chad MuchoStinquo is done, Austin Mason sounds like a soap opera star, not a pair of receivers. Brady Quinn and Carson Palmer at QB - I'm afraid their season comes down to whether Palmer can regain his magic touch. I'm afraid we all know the Ultimate Answer to that question.
"I'd much rather by happy that right any day." "And are you?" "Ahh... No." Electric Mayhem - start with the pre-draft trade of Chris Johnson for Roddy White in a year where good RBs are scarce. Continue on with passing on every star available in the auction despite having 9 picks in the first 5 rounds of the draft. Proudly selecting the only player in the NFL draft that hasn't signed a contract yet. Using a second round pick on a 7th round talent (John Carlson). And that's not even mentioning selecting a guy named "Beanie." I'm thinking of a word to describe this and it rhymes with Beanie.
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