Watchdog - Week 11 Giving Thanks

It's always baffled me that old Garfield harped so often on some variation on the theme "I hate Mondays". Ah, Garfield. What a strange day it was when I finally realized that Garfield just wasn't very funny. Like finding out that Michael Vick, apart from last year, never was that good a fantasy football quarterback. Check out the stats - in his second-best season of his career, he averaged just under 23 points per game. This year? 23 points per game. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you that. Anyway, does it make sense to start one day in seven with a bad mood just because of the name of the day? On the other end of that scale, you have the Apostle Paul saying "Rejoice in the Lord always". Can't say I'm there either, but this seems an appropriate time of the year to stop and take stock, and perhaps even give thanks. As the commish, I want to thank you all for your participation. When I was a kid, I used to spend untold hours playing stratomatic baseball and similar games, so I'm extremely grateful to have found other geeks who enjoy this stuff too, particularly when I'm about to take so much of your money! For each team then, here are some things you might be thankful for.

Starting from the bottom and working our way up:

Tim & Kumar are thankful for Matt Forte, and to have traded him before his QB broke his thumb. The words "Caleb Hanie" are enough to send a chill into the heart of any Bears fan. Nope, I wouldn't want to have any Bears on my fantasy team for the next few weeks. Some guys just look better with the ballcap on backwards, right? T&K can be thankful to own two extra picks next year, including a first rounder, and for a two-game winning streak, which was nearly three had they started Victor Cruz instead of Mario Manningham. And they can be thankful for the Sprockets, who although they have one more win, have scored 90 fewer points than T&K this year. And you thought it might be tough to find things for a last place team to be thankful for!

Our other 2-9 team belongs to my own beloved brother. Yes, he can be thankful for Aaron Rodgers for keeping his team from being a total disaster this season. And he can be thankful for three extra draft picks next season. Maybe next year he'll be grateful to not have drafted a roster full of guys who were good five years ago. Of course, he can be thankful for Tony Gonzalez, the Firm and Dale's Doormats, all of whom helped him double his win total on the season in one short week! See, this isn't so hard!

And while the Sprockets are indeed dead last in the league in points scored this year (by nearly 10 points per week), they too have much to be grateful for. First and foremost, they can give thanks for the Wombats, a team that could have had a share of first place and a 9-2 record, but stumbled this week and gave Team Fletch their third win on the season. For some reason, they keep on being thankful for Ryan Fitzpatrick, despite the fact that Josh Freeman has outscored him in five of the last 7 weeks (and one of those two games he lost by 2 points). Coach Feldman can of course be grateful for MJD and even for the commish, who suggested two weeks before he hit the big-time that they pick up DeMarco Murray, giving them one of the top three keepers heading into next season. And as a Giants' fan, I'd be remiss if I didn't say a quick word of thanks to DeSean Jackson for not learning the lesson yet. Keep it classy, DeSean!

Ah, a tough one - Dale's Doormats. They got stuck with the harder division, going 1-5 against the other Quakes teams. With three straight losses and no obvious keepers, Coach Dale has just one true bright spot, fantasy-wise, in AJ Green. Only six rookies in NFL history have had more receiving yards in their first nine games in the NFL than Green. He has outpaced such quick-starters as Randy Moss, Andre Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, James Lofton, Steve Largent and Keyshawn Johnson (though the guys he trails are Marques Colston, Anquan Boldin, Charlie Brown, Michael Clayton, Darnell Scott and Sammy White). Coach Dale can be grateful, however, for the chance to root for Jermichael Finley and Mason Crosby every week, and for Aaron Rodgers and the rest of that team from Wisconsin.

One of the oddities of our league is that there are no teams with exactly four wins on the season. The Fatties come in next at 5-6 with 899 points scored on the season. Like Dale's Doormats, they too drew the wrong division. They also had both the good luck and misfortune to get Tom Brady for only $22. Yes, he's Tom Brady, but again he comes up with a mere 22 points against the pathetic Chiefs, one fewer than rookie Andy Dalton managed against the Ravens. Of course, as you can see, Brady has a lot to be thankful for too, despite never winning the big one since he met Giselle Ono. So what do the Fatties have to be grateful for? Yes, that it's a keeper league, and though Brady has only topped 25 once since week 3, he's still second in the league in scoring and he'll be an easy cornerstone piece for next year. And they can be grateful that Hue Jackson doesn't believe in Running Back By Committee, giving Michael Bush 30 carries for the second straight week, his fourth straight game with 10+ points.

Team Brokerage, though Canadian Thanksgiving was last month, has much to be grateful for. Tyler Palko might be first on that list, the rookie QB giving Patriots D more than enough to earn a victory against Natural Disaster and nab them high points for the week. At 5-6, they're tied for fourth, but just one game behind second, with realing Bandits (3 consecutive losses) and the inferior Semi-P (83 fewer points on the season) ahead of them. Brokerage will have their work cut out for them, with remaining games against the Wombats and I/R. Dunder Mifflin will play Natural Disaster and the Wombats; Semi-P will play Tim & Kumar and Natural Disaster; and the Realing Bandits will play Pep & Cheez and Dale's Doormats, so no one has an easy slate, though some have easier than others.

Dunder Mifflin can of course be grateful for Mario Manningham and the fact that Victor Cruz has emerged as Eli's #1 target this season. Had Manningham, the talented WR from Michigan, lived up to his billing, T&K might have put an end to their playoff hopes this week. See the picture below? Stafford is even telling you how many TD's he's going to throw! They'll be all the more grateful if Chris Johnson remembers where he misplaced his fast shoes. And of course, Dunder will always be grateful for Billy Bernens for drafting a playoff-contending team on their behalf!

Next up is indeed Semi-P, who can also be grateful for a pinch-hitter in the draft, when Dan Brooks picked Jordy Nelson for them in the 7th round of the draft. Sometimes it is a good thing to pick up the star of the previous Super Bowl. Nelson, of course, will be grateful if Polamalu reverts to the more traditional "horse-collar tackle." And while they can be grateful that Jay Cutler will return, perhaps in time for the fantasy playoffs, they can also be grateful for the emergence of Matt Moore. Why? Because Moore has averaged 20 points a week the last three for the suddenly relevant Dolphins, which is 2 more per game than Cutler has over the same period, and because Moore is a free agent.

Ah, the Red Bandits - another tricky one. Grateful for three-game losing streaks? For choking away a sure playoff spot, going from 6-2 and first place to 6-5 and fighting for their playoff life? Perhaps not if looked at from that perspective. But, to paraphrase the great philospher Clint Hurdle, "Fantasy Football has two types of people: those who have been humbled, and those who are about to be humbled." For my part, I am grateful for the Bandits' bravado because it is that which makes this pasttime so much fun. For their part, they can be grateful for Tony Romo for scoring nearly half their points this week. If only he'd had more than 29!

One of the many other oddities of our league is that coming into this week, the Canes Division was 7-21 against the Quakes. So what happens this week? Only one Quakes team won - of course it was I in I/R, getting their 7th straight, this time over the Red Bandits. I don't hear a lot of talking from Coach Marcin lately. What's up with that? In any case, I/R can be grateful for the Turd's bad season, for making off with Aaron Rodgers for a better trade package than the Raiders gave up for Carson Palmer and for being tied for the third playoff spot, and while they're unlikely to catch Pep & Cheez or Natural Disaster, they're only 8 points behind the Wombats for the tie-breaker. And of course they can be grateful for the Sprockets as well, for upending the Wombats this week, creating the three-way tie in the Quakes Division. They'll be all the more grateful if the Sprockets will kindly roll over against them this week.

The Wombats can be thankful that Eli's schedule includes two of the worst pass defense in the league the next two weeks, in New Orleans and Green Bay. Do you think Eli is grateful he didn't have to keep this jersey? The Wombats can also be grateful for the re-emergence of Marshawn Lynch, who has averaged 14 per in his last 7 starts, and for the emergence of Chris Oingoboingo for the Browns, who has averaged 14 per in his last two games.

Pep & Cheez, they can be thankful for a 68-point lead in the race for the Wilt, with just two games to play. They can be grateful that Carson Palmer has played well enough to enable them to avoid having to resort to Matt Leinart this week. As you can tell from the picture, Leinart is grateful to be done with those terrible two-a-days. And of course, P&C is grateful for #1 running back in the league, LeSean McCoy.

And Natural Disaster is certainly grateful for the Sprockets and Gumpsters for upending the Wombats and Pizza Boyz this week. We're grateful for having fallen bass-ackwards into Kevin Smith and his 38 points and Ray Rice and Fred Jackson for being second and third in the league in RB scoring.

It may be a little strange to say "thanks for a great season" when we still have five weeks to go, but perhaps it's never a bad thing to stop and say thanks.

Watchdog Week 10 - On the Other Hand

According to Steven Wright, on the other hand, you have different fingers. Let's see if you can spot the Steven Wright "jokes" in this week's Watchdog. I'll give you a hint - anything remotely clever or funny is probably Wright's. Not sure if this will work unless perhaps you can read the entire post in a dull monotone in your head.


With that bit of profundity, let's see what week 10 has to tell us about our futures. Last night, I stayed up late watching the game and playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and five people died. Those that have died (or are mostly dead) are the Turd, Sprockets, Tim & Kumar, Dale's Doormats and the Fatties. If you lost to any of these teams this week, that's like saying that everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Well guys, with three weeks left, time is running out.

As it stands now, the Quakes Division has four teams fighting for three spots. Natural Disaster improved to 9-1 besting the always frisky Sprockets. Sprockets got 41 from their running backs, but Disaster got 53 points from players picked up off waivers including 37 from players picked up last week. As Coach Ingrey said in his post-game comments, "If you shoot a mime, you should always use a silencer."


Pep & Cheez improved to 8-2 with their third high-point effort of the season, but may have lost Matt Schaub for the year with a sprained foot. That leaves them with a choice between Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer, both USC alumni, former Heisman winners, both washed out with their original teams and both fighting to carry Pep & Cheez to the Wilt the Stilt Scoring Title. From Coach Yeager's post-game: "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

The teams with the best three records on the season finished with 110, 109 and 108 points this week. The Wombats ran their record to 8-2 with the 109 point effort, even getting 10 points from Chris Oingoboingo. Of course Marshawn Lynch had 21, giving him 84 in his last 6 starts, but going against the schitzophrenic Ravens' D, who could blame Coach Sharp for benching Lynch. As he said, "If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

That leaves There is an I in I/R as the last team still alive in the Quakes Division. Going into last night's game at 6-3, I/R trailed Team Gump 76-38. Gump had all their players play already, I/R had Aaron Rodgers and James Jones going against the Vikes. If those two guys both hit their projections from the website, I/R would get exactly 39 points and still be in the race, one back with three to play. Jones got one catch for 9 yards. Rodgers got 288 yards passing, 4 TDs and 21 yards rushing and another TD for 43. I/R improves to 7-3 and remains just one back with three to play. Coach Eickhorst: "I intend to live forever. So far so good."

In the Canes Division, the I/R comeback kept Team Gump in a tie with the Red Bandits at 6-4. The decision to bench Drew Brees may not have been such a good one. The 11-point differential in QBs between Brees and Future Vacator does loom large given the 5-point loss. FV's 13 fantasy points are his lowest score of the season. Looking at Newton's season, only one other week did he fail to put up enough points to win this week. Coach Fred: "If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" Yes Fred, just because you have Brees, Forte, Turner, Denarius Moore (123 yards, 2 TDs) and Akers (0 missed FGs on the season), if you keep benching your best players, you all go down with the ship.

There were three teams tied for third place at 4-5 coming into the week. Dunder Mifflin, Semi-P and Brokerage. Going into last night's game with Tim & Kumar (who last week gave up on the season), Brokerage was down only 6 with Adrian Peterson going against James Starks. In three of the previous four weeks, Peterson scored 23 or more. Last night against the 31st ranked D in the NFL, he put up 51 yards and one TD, but at the end of the third quarter, it looked like that would be just enough. In the first three quarters, Starks had 5 carries for 26 yards and 3 receptions for 11. 3 fantasy points. In the fourth quarter, he had 8 carries for 37 yards, four more fantasy points. T&K 65, Brokerage 63. T&K now are 2-0 since giving up on the season. Brokerage falls to 4-6. Coach Lubert: "It's like when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"


For Dunder Mifflin, Willis McGahee had averaged 103 yards and half a TD per game for his last 6 starts. Yesterday, in a game when Denver ran the ball on 55 of 63 offensive plays, McGahee got injured in the first quarter after just 17 yards. So on a day when the real Chris Johnson finally shows up, Robby Gould and Titans D combine for 28, they lose by 9 to the Fatties because McGahee, Steve Smith and Wes Welker combine for just 8, dropping to 4-6. As Coach Piccione said so succinctly after the game: "I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."

The Red Bandits were the ones who had the misfortune of trying to rely on Baltimore D. In the first four weeks, the Ravens D put up 75 fantasy points. In the last 5 weeks, they've scored 27, going against teams like Jacksonville, Arizona (at home) and Seattle. As Coach Weryk correctly stated: "My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out." At 6-4, they probably have to win one of their last 3 games to ensure a playoff spot. With a 20-point lead on Team Gump, they hold tie-breakers for the division championship as it stands now.

Semi-P had a 20 point lead on Dale's Doormats with Ryan Grant and Jordy Nelson going against Jermichael Finley and Mason Crosby. Semi-P had to get it done and they did, despite Grant being a no-show (8 carries for 6 yards). At 5-5, despite the 12th most points scored on the season, Semi-P could be heading to the playoffs. As Coach King so aplty put it: "I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Watchdog Draft Review

We're going to do something a little different this week and look back and make fun of all the bad draft picks people made. I added up all the points scored by players drafted by each team, regardless of whether they kept that player or not. Extra credit is given for free agent finds. I did not consider Kickers or Defenses because no one spent any real money there.



Looking at the picks by position first: only three of the top 15 QBs were in the draft section - Carolina, Buffalo and the Jets (with Indy, Arizona and San Francisco falling out). So this year, if you didn't pay, you got what you paid for. Looking back, it's hard to believe no one took a chance on the Future Vacator.

Among RBs, there were several great values, but none better than Fred Jackson, the 13th pick of the first round. Ryan Matthews, Beanie Wells and Jahvid Best were valuable 1st round picks, but not as good as Sproles (7th round) or McGahee (5th round).

For the WRs, Steve Smith (3rd round) may be the best value in the draft at any position. AJ Green (5th round), Jordy Nelson (7th round) and Julio Jones (3rd round) were excellent picks; Maclin, Dez Bryant, Anquan Boldin were solid 1st round picks. Victor Cruz, Eric Decker, Torrey Smith, Laurent Robinson and Early Doucet were good waiver selections.

Unlike prior years, Tight End was almost completely unpredictable this year. Interestingly, this year four of the top 5 TEs in scoring were not in the auction, and the 6th best (Fred Davis) wasn't drafted at all.


Looking at the points by team:

Going from the bottom up, the team with the worst draft by total points scored would be your 7-2 Walla Walla Wombats! The entire team they drafted has scored 805 points. Their actual weekly starters have scored 748. With only 686 points scored against, they've clearly been luckier than most. Best move - trading for Arian Foster, who has averaged 18.4 points per game. Best find was Aaron Hernandez, who has averaged 10 points per game, but only played in 6 games. "Can't spell Elite without Eli" Manning has somehow managed to be the 7th rated fantasy QB in the league, averaging 23.4 per game. What went wrong? The Madden Curse has hit in perhaps its most diabolical fashion ever, knocking Peyton Hillis out of 5 games this season with ailments like the deadly strep throat and the dreaded "sleeping with his contacts in and now he can't see straight". (OK I made that one up, but still...) Losing Colston in week 1 was a killer, and no other WR has more than 56 points in 9 weeks.

Semi-P comes in 13th by this haphazard study, with a total of 826 points scored by the 16 players they drafted. Their plan to toughen up the team with new high-tech cleats is controversial to be sure. Their best player is clearly Calvin Johnson, who is actually averaging more points per game than Jay Cutler. Gronkowski and Jordy Nelson were perhaps the steals of the draft, averaging 11.5 and 10.5 ppg and picked in rounds 7 and 8 respectively. What went wrong? Well, Cutler for one - starting the 20th best QB in the league won't fly, particularly when your backup is Sam Bradford (31st). Their #1 running back is Rashad Mendenhall, the 26th ranked RB by points per game. After him, their other three RBs TOTAL 70 points on the season. Gates was never healthy enough to give them the latitude to trade Gronkowski. And yet, there they sit, 4-5, tied for a playoff spot with Dunder Mifflin and Brokerage.

No I in I/R (6-3) comes in 12th in the rankings, with 849 points scored on the season by the team they drafted. What went wrong? Andre Johnson, Kenny Britt, Ahmad Bradshaw and Felix Jones have all missed significant time (or will). If you're scoring at home, that would be their top three players by cost, plus their top draft pick in Britt. Trading Sproles for Denver QBs, Vernon Davis and Nate Washington didn't seem so bad until Washington got hurt also and Den QB was made irrelevant by trading for Rodgers. Picking up Torrey Smith on waivers has been huge, if for no other reason that the TD to end the Steelers game this week which also helped I/R avoid a most embarrassing loss to the Turd. They had just finished trading their #2 pick for Shonn Greene, only to watch him get concussed in his first start with the team.

The Sprockets (2-7) are next with 860 points scored. Best draft pick was MJD, a keeper from last year. A disappointing 18th-best QB season by Josh Freeman probably should have been paired with a higher pick than Raiders QB (full disclosure, this pick was made for Kevin when he had to leave the draft early). Still, that Carson Palmer looks like the stud I always said he was, throwing for 31 fantasy points. After QBs and MJD, no one they drafted has more than Dez Bryant's 65 points. DeSean Jackson has been attrocious. Dallas Clark and DeAngelo Williams too. Their one saving grace is having picked up DeMarco Murray who has 55 of his 62 points in the last 3 weeks, and also Eric Decker (10 ppg). They remain 2 games out of the last playoff spot with 4 to play. Trading Dez Bryant for Bills QB might have worked great had Fitzpatrick not gone in the toilet right after the trade. Looks like that's where the Sprockets are headed too.

Dale's Doormats (3-6) are 10th ranked at 889 points scored. What went wrong? Lagarrette Blount hasn't been able to stay in the lineup (10.2 ppg, but only 61 on the season). Their best WR was 5th round pick AJ Green. And as great as Jermichael has been, he got almost half his points on the season in one game. Gore has been solid at 13.5 ppg. Roofiesburger and Sanchize have been OK (ranked 10th and 14th respectively among QBs), but no better. At 4 games out with 4 to play, it's going to take a miracle. The lack of waiver success has hurt, with Brent Celek being the most successful pickup, but balanced out by having dropped Marion Barber III (a useful 6.8 ppg - not a bad 3rd or 4th RB).

Coming in 9th are the Red Bandits (6-3) at 932 points. Romo has been OK at 22 ppg. Beanie Wells, Steven Jackson and Greg Jennings have each averaged over 13. Miles Austin and Julio Jones come in at 10+ when they've been healthy, which is part of the problem. Addai and Hardesty have given nothing as backup RBs. Zach Miller was a disaster at TE, but they alertly swooped in to scroung Owen Daniels in the Turd firesale. Gostkowski and Ravens D are part of the success of this team, still in first place in their division.

The Fatties (4-5) are 8th at 944 points. They're 3 games back with 4 to play and still have to leapfrog I/R, so it looks like another disappointing season for the corpulent ones. What went wrong? Brady's 3rd ranked season is, as I have said before, an illusion, having averaged 21.4 ppg since week 3 (2 points per game less than Denver QBs over the same stretch). McFadden's injury was a killer, but with Mike Bush on the roster, that should have been mitigated. Brandon Marshall has been stellar - considering who is throwing him the ball. Cedric Benson and Mark Ingram have been pretty good when healthy and out of jail. After Marshall, their WRs have been awful, with Mike Thomas' 35 points the brightest of them. Muchostinko... what more needs to be said?

Dunder Mifflin (4-5 in 3rd place in their division) comes in 7th, which really goes as an asterisk for I/R, as this team was picked by new co-owner Billy Bernens. Stafford has avoided injury and is the 5th ranked QB. Willis McGahee has made up for Chris Johnson's underwhelming performance. Wes Welker, Steve Smith (Carolina) and Jeremy Maclin have all been overwhelming, while Jered Cook at TE has just been whelming (5.0 ppg).

The biggest surprise of the list is Tim & Kumar (1-8) coming in 6th with 958 points scored despite losing Jamaal Charles in the second game of the season. Denver QBs come it as the 11th-ranked QB on the season. Forte was an alert trade and a great keeper (always good to fleece the commish when you can). Vincent Jackson has been a monster in two games this year with 61 of his 134 points coming in week 2 and 9 combined. Picking up free agents Victor Cruz and Early Doucet (10 ppg and 7.5 ppg) helps. Holmes has been disappointing and having two good TEs (Keller and Vernon Davis) only helps if you can turn one of them into Darren Sproles. What went wrong, aside from the Charles injury? Only one other RB selected in the draft hurts. Manningham has been disappointing at $12 in the auction. Mostly they've just been a little unlucky every week, losing two games by a total of 7 points and never losing by more than 24 regardless of whether their opponent scored 113 or 71. This week, finally getting off the schnide, they finish with 106 points only to see their opponent come up with 55. Thanks Sprockets!

Did I say Tim & Kumar were surprising at #6? How about the Turd in at #5? 27% of their 983 points on the season have been scored by the since-traded Aaron Rodgers. Jacobs, Greene and Green-Ellis have been whelming, all between 50-74 points on the year. Roddy White and Plax have been disappointing at 23rd and 26th among WRs on the year. Tony Gonzalez (5th round pick) has been the 5th best TE on the season. So the team as drafted was basically Rodgers and Gonzalez. In three weeks out of the first 9, the Turd managed more than 70 points and only won one of those three.

#4 ranked team is Pep & Cheez (7-2) at 1010 points on the season. This despite having the 15th ranked QB and spending $13 on Peyton Manning. McCoy (160 points) has been nearly invinceable. Mike Wallace has given the full 60 Minutes every Sunday. And Jimmy Graham (2nd round pick) has been far and away the best TE in the league (11.6 ppg). Larry Fitzgerald (9.9 ppg) has been rueing the day he re-signed with Arizona. P&C looks like a sure bet to hold onto the points title with a 70-point margin and 4 games to play. They've scored under 92 points twice this year and lost both games. Five times they've been 100 or better.

#3 is Team Brokerage (4-5, tied for 3rd in the Canes Division) with 1057 points scored on the year. Vick, Adrian Peterson and Ryan Matthews have been great. Trading Buffalo QBs at their absolute peak value was inspired. Reggie Bush has two 100+ yard games in the last 5 years - both against the Giants. The WRs have been vinceable, with Brandon Lloyd's 53 points on the season leading the way. If Matthews comes back and can stay healthy and Dez Bryant can also stay healthy, Brokerage should be the team to beat for that last playoff spot.

#2 is Team Gump (6-3) in at just one point higher than Team Brokerage but with two more wins nonetheless and neverthemore. The Gumpsters get full credit for alertly swooping up the best undrafted player in the league - Cam the Future Vacator, the second-ranked QB in the league to date with 28.5 ppg. Brees ($40) has been pretty good too (4th best QB). Michael Turner ($40) has been solid enough (8th best RB). Dwayne Bowe ($18) has been the 10th-best WR.

And the #1 team in the league is of course Natural Disaster (8-1) at 1,129, despite spending $29 on Phil Rivers (#12 ranked QB). Having the #2 and 5 ranked RBs (Fred Jackson and Ray Rice) helps a bit. Mike Tolbert (17th), Hightower (21st ranked average ppg before getting hurt) and Ben Tate (23rd) have provided depth. Nicks has been the only good WR (#14 ranked at 10.3 ppg). Celek turned out to be decent enough at 4.5 ppg, but they cut him long before finding that out. However, adding Jake Ballard (6.8 ppg) and Fred Davis (8.1 ppg) has been huge. Other than Rivers and the RBs, Nicks is the only player from the draft/auction still on the team. And of course their fantasy defense (651 points scored against) is the #1 reason why they're 8-1. That is is over 10 ppg lower than the third-luckiest team. Still, they've scored 99 or more in six games (losing one of those) and only once been under 79. And the reverse-whammy they put on this past week's game was impressive - the old "we haven't had high points in five years" trick. Oldest trick in the book.

Watchdog - Van Buren Boys Edition

"Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman." The fantasy football season we've had to date has been a Bizzarro World of sorts. We have four teams now who have had over 700 points scored against them, the lowest of those (Sprockets) averaging 89 points against per week. On the flip side, four teams have had less than 630 points scored against them, less than 78 ppg, with Natural Disaster having had just 72 points per game scored against. I predict here and now by the end of the season it will be like when George got his job with the Yankees by doing the opposite of his natural instinct, Elaine got fired from her job and evicted from her apartment, while Jerry kept having everything come out even-Steven, to the point that George threw $20 out the window only to have Jerry find a $20 in his pocket. My point, and I do have one, is that these things tend to even out. We'll see - will it be Bizzarro World all season? Or will it be Even-Steven?

"It's like my brain is playing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win." When Jerry is trying to break up with vapid bimbo Tawny Kitaen, it's just like those players you draft every year, the fantasy football kryptonite. The guy you know never plays well when he's on your team, but you just can't help it. For There is an I in I/R, it has to be Andre Johnson, the amazingly talented WR who seems to get injured every year. Still, I/R survived Aaron Rodgers' bye week even in a game when they had to start Tebow. At 5-3, it looks like Superman may be ready to save the day.

"You said it would be like a vacation from ourselves."
In my memory, this episode was the one where George announces his porn name would have been 'Buck Naked' but apparently not. Ah well, sometimes these little vacations from reality do a world of good. For instance, Natural Disaster may like to think of themselves like a powerhouse team, but the reality is they're going on five seasons now since getting high points for the week in any week of any season. By comparison, from 2008 to today, every other team in the league has had high points at least once. Interestingly, the Fatties have the most with 8, Dale's Doormats are next with 7.5, followed by Gump and the Sprockets with five weeks leading the league in points. And way down here, you have Natural Disaster who have just one tie (in 2008) in the last four seasons. I bring this up because once again Philip Rivers' inability to do anything but stink has killed ND's chances. Had the bogus pass interference flag on Antonio Gates been kept in the ref's pocket, or Vincent Jackson stumbled into the end zone instead of at the one, or if Rivers could stop throwing the ball to guys in the other color jerseys... but I digress.

Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.

Given up for dead, the Sprockets are 2-6 sure, but they're still swimming, only two games out of a playoff spot with 5 to play. And they've got Kramer, er Karma on their side, having declined to give up MJD and play for next year. With DeMarco Murray, DeSean Jackson, DeSidney Rice and LeDallas Clark, the Sprockets are LaLoaded for an Enchilada run. As long as DaFelix Jones keeps grabbing that hammy...

Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent of A Woman? Who-ah! Who-ah!
The Red Bandits are of course hoping to be able to say to the rest of us "No soup for you!" Going into the showdown with Natural Disaster this week, the two jugger-nots are separated by a mere 2 points scored on the season. The Bandits will almost certainly have Greg Jennings and Beanie Wells back in the lineup and with Dallas having been embarrassed on national TV, Romo and Miles $6-Million Man Austin figure to have a bionic day at home against a shaving-cream-strong Seattle Seahawks' "defense". And if you think I'm trying to put the reverse whammy on the Bandits, well...

Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
I believe this is the first year in history the Wombats do not feature any Eggles. By amazing coincidence, they are 6-2 and gripping that last playoff spot in the Quakes Division like it's a piece of extra crispy from Kenny Rogers Roasters. But like a Russian hat made of rat fur, this doesn't look like it will end well for anyone. They got past the Turd this week, but face a Giants-like schedule coming up: Team Gump this week, then the Bandits, Sprockets, Brokerage and Dunder Mifflin to finish the season. By comparison, the Giants play at New England, at San Fran, home against Philly, at New Orleans, home against Green Bay, at Dallas, get a bye against Washington, at the Jets and home against Dallas to finish the season. I'm thinking both teams will be lucky to finish over .500 much less in the playoffs. Difference is the Wombats can make a trade and have shown they'll give up draft picks to win now.

"He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
Dale's Doormats pick up their second high score of the season, giving them just one win when they don't have high points for the week. Yes, teams playing against them have averaged over 95 points per game and Team Brokerage was without ruth, putting up 98, but it was not enough. Will the Doormats have enough? They trail the Wombats by 3 games with 5 to play. If they had a second RB, they might be dangerous.

"And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular."
Ah, Teri Hatcher. Pep & Cheez got LeSean McCoy's 6th 19+ point effort in 7 games (his other was a mere 10) and added to their lead in the points race. The rest of us can only sympathize with Jerry here. Sure, we'd all like to have natural assets like P&C (or Teri), but they're gone and we're not catching them.

"If there is a woman who can stand your presence for more than five minutes, you should hang onto her like grim death, which is not that far off, I might add."
One might think that Tim & Kumar, still winless on the season, had started to trade off their assets for draft picks in 2012. Certainly Forte, Sproles and Vincent Jackson would seem to have some value. In fact, T&K have officially been eliminated from Enchilada contention, being 6 games out with 5 to play. I believe this is some kind of fantasy football record, so umm, congratulations?

"The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."
So many great lines in this episode - "Is anyone here a marine biologist?" "Is it a titleist?" But Team Gump knows the pain of watching the mercurial Drew Brees put up 43 fantasy points one week and following it up with 16 the next. And they were angry that day, my friends. Despite getting 9 sacks and a shutout from Buffalo D, when they came face to face with the great fish (Natural Disaster), the outcome was never in doubt. Hole in one.

Is it a 'manzier' or a 'bro'? Not sure they ever decided, but whatever the case, the Fatties could use a little extra support up top. Remember you heard it here first that Tom Brady is washed up this season. After putting up 117 in the first three games, he's put up just 82 in his last four. Sure, at $22 they can't afford to do anything else but keep throwing him out there and hope he plays the Giants or some other weak team soon. What? They play this week? In any case, the Fatties are now 3-5, and same as the Doormats find themselves 3 out with 5 to play. If McFadden was healthy and they weren't starting Ron Helu at RB...

"And you want to be my latex saleman?"
Did you know Mike Shanahan has a worse record coaching the Redskins than Jim Zorn or Steve Spurrier through the same number of games? I mention this because Ryan Torain, in a starting role, had 14 yards rushing for Semi-P. Sure Johnson & Johnson and a healthy Gates and Mendenhall bring no more tears. And while they are one game back of a playoff spot, unfortunately the immutable laws of fantasy football contradict their whole premise (which of course state that any team having to choose between AJ Feeley and Jay Cutler need to have one magic loogy to have any chance at all).

"It's a Festivus Miracle!"
If it's time for the airing of the greivances, it must be time for Team Brokerage. 704 points scored against them, which is 88 per game, works out to 16 more per game against than ND. And while they're currently sitting in the final playoff spot of the Canes Division, at 4-4 and on a 3-game losing streak, they've had five games this season where their opponent scored 89 or more. Further, they were one TD away from making a Festivus Miracle comeback on Monday Night, only to watch Ryan Matthews go down with yet another injury and someone with the unlikely name of Curtis Brinkley get the rushing TD that would have given them the win and high points for the week.

"Because first you cry, then when you see the dancing, you cry again."
I always love the names of the movies the gang goes to see: Agent Zero, Rochelle Rochelle, Brown Eyed Girl, and of course Cry Cry again to name just a few. Did the snowstorm prevent Dunder Mifflin from switching Chicago kickers out of the starting lineup when they were on a bye? We may never know. But the 11 points would have made no difference at all. Those pesky 5-game losing streaks do tend to put a damper on a season though. One might think with a lineup like they have, Dunder would be playoff bound, but when you see Chris Johnson run, you cry, and when you see him lose carries to Javon Ringer, you cry again.

"It's 'Moors' you idiot!" Ah, the Bubble Boy episode. This is hard to do, but the Hundering Turd had exactly one of their reserves score points this week, and that was St. Louis D. Whatever happened to Brandon Jacobs? Hasn't been the same since he threw his helmet into the stands last season. The Law Firm? Has he been Belichek-Mated? Shonn Greene had his first 100-yard game since October 3 last season, so getting him off the bye week should help, but ultimately it'll be like trying to hold off the Moopish Invasion.