Excuse me sir, is this the Delta House?

Believe it or not, we're just about at the quarter pole in the fantasy season already. It's time head over to Faber College and see what we think we know. And no cheating!

"Fat drunk and stupid is now way to go through life son."

First of all, a quick glance at the standings finds the Fatties with a 79 point lead in the points race. Everyone else in the league has scored between 211 and 274 points. The quote may well be for Darren McFadden, who seems to have finally gotten himself into shape - through 3 games he is just 12 yards shy of what he produced for Electric Mayhem all of last season. Or it may be for the Fatties themselves, who after years of great teams that just missed, may have finally happened on the right mix.

"What? Over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"

To give further evidence in the randomness of fantasy football, the Red Bandits and Sprockets have both scored more points than Dunder Mifflin, yet DM is undefeated and the others are 0-3. The defending champion Bandits have been answering questions all offseason that last year was a fluke, and here they sit at 0-3 following a 92-90 heartbreaker that saw them outscore Brokerage 7-3 on Monday Night Football, with Jennings getting just 2 catches but Forte for TB get held to just 14 yards receiving. So much for the Marshall Faulk comparisons.

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

Yes, I divided that quote up for two teams. It's that good a quote. Sprockets lost 74-64 in week one with David Garrard outscoring Drew Brees by 10; lost 75-73 last week to the Turd with Bernard Scott and Desmond Aromashodu totalling 1 point; and worst yet lost 113-112 this week. They are rolling... I guess.

"Is that a pledge pin on your uniform?!?!"

Somewhat scary - Team Gump edged the Sprockets 113-112 this week, and Gump's bench scored 98, good for 5th best score of the week even carrying an injured Reggie "the Vacator" Bush. Difference in the game? LaRod Stephens-Howling "running back" Arizona, who got no carries, no receptions and ran one kick back 102 yards for a TD. Why he was in the starting lineup is a bit of a mystery given his 0 carries and 3 receptions in week 2. Including his kick return, he has 13 fantasy points on the season. Not bad for a team that dropped Dexter McCutchen right after the draft. Don't know how you cut a guy with that good a name in favor of a poor man's Law Firm...

"I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture, be done on somebody's part. And we're just the guys to do it!"

According to my research, Kyle Orton approached a record on Sunday, becoming just the third player in NFL history to throw for more than 475 yards in a game and just one TD pass, joining Phil Simms (who lost to the Bengals 35-30 in 1985) and Bernie Kosar (who beat the Jets in the playoffs, 23-20 in OT). That's right, the other 20 QBs to throw for 475 or more all had at least 2 TDs. I bring this up because maybe it would have been nice for Natural Disaster to see the Broncos reach the END ZONE once in a while. But I digress.

"Remain calm! All is well!"

Meanwhile, if the Wombats every get a Wide Receiver this year, they're going to be scary good. Of course, part one of that is assuming Michael Vick doesn't suddenly remember his career QB rating is 81. Or that Brett Favre suddenly remembers he's 81 (rimshot).

"Do you mind if we dance with your dates?"

Not sure what this has to do with anything. I just like the scene when they all get dates from the all-girls college by pretending to have been engaged to Fawn Leiberwitz. "She was just talking about making me a pot." Pep & Cheez had a clunker this week, putting up 46 after 213 in the first two weeks. Whether your best two position players are both tight ends, or your fiancee dies in a kiln explosion, it's a rough week.

"Daniel Simpson Day: has no grade point average, all courses incomplete."
Somehow I think a team lead by Matty Ice and the Chiefs and Seahawks' best running backs may not be headed for the playoffs. At 2-1, Tim & Kumar may beg to differ, but now tied for last in points scored may prove the point.

"No more fun of any kind!"

No I in I/T got a monster performance from the Law Firm and can look to ride McNabb's return to Philly this Sunday. Possibly losing Andre Johnson could put a bit of a damper on Coach Eickhorst's fun this year.

"As of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!"

Semi-P finally fell out of the ranks of the unbeaten after (gasp!) a disappointing effort from Jay Cutler last night. Needed 3 TDs, got one. On the plus side though, CJ Spiller showed a bit of a spark and Dustin Keller is tied for 15th in all non-QB scoring. If he keeps this up, people may start to think the Jets have an offense this year! But don't tell anyone!

"Seven years of college down the drain."

After scoring 97 in a week 1 win, the Turd follwed that with a 75 point effort for another win and followed that with a 51 point "effort" in week 3. If there is any quote involving drains, it almost automatically goes to the Turd, but this is not the kind of trend you want to set. Over/under for week 4 is 30. At least Brandon Jacobs kept his helmet out of the stands this week. Other than Shinacoe and Rodgers, this would have been a very scary team 7 years ago - McGahee, Addai, Muchostinko, TO, Hines Ward...

"Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!"

Listen to Coach Davey of Dunder Mifflin in her press conference after the game. "Hey" she said, "we got Brady, Rice, DeAngelo Williams, Crabtree and Gates. Have we been lucky so far? Maybe, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the only undefeated team in the league!" Well then!

"Look, these parades you throw are very expensive. You using my police, my sanitation people, and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So, if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken."

No reference here - just like the quote.

"Ramming Speed!"

On the other end of the ledger, Dales Doormats got off the Schneid this week. With Buckhalter, Ricky Williams, Mendenhall, Steve Smith, JerMichael, Percy Harvin, Mike Wallace and Eagles D, if they ever find out what happened to Carson Palmer's dead body, they could just get on a roll here!

Watchdog - Things I never thought I'd say

As a father of three young children, I have an unofficial list of things I never thought I'd say that goes beyond the normal "get your finger out of there" and "don't put those Cheerios in your nose" kind of stuff. And as commissioner of this league for going on 9 years now, I am thinking the same thing.

First, is the element of surprise, as the kid here ably demonstrates. "Have the Fatties finally built a playoff team?" They had four players score 20+ this week, three others score 10+, feature the #1 running back in the league and three solid WRs - maybe 5? When Larry Fitzgerald is your third-best WR, when Darren McFadden suddenly becomes relevant - if only for one week - and Matt Hasselbeck scores three TDs (2 passing, 1 rushing) in a week, is it a sign that things will be different for the Fatties this year? Or just a sign that things were different this week? By the way the phrases "Larry Fitzgerald is your third-best WR" and "Darren McFadden suddenly becomes relevant" are also things I never thought I'd say. It is a team that looks loaded and unafraid to show what they've got.

Sometimes you have to think outside the box, aim for something not readily apparent to get a good result (or at least a laugh). Nearly as stunning as the Fatties rise - "Has Eli Manning become a top fantasy QB?" The Turd put up the second-best point total for the week and had Easy E on the bench (rightly so) in favor of Aaron Rodgers. How about this: "Chad Muchostinko and TO have combined to make Cincy's passing game relevant again." And "If the Turd gets even moderate production from their RBs, they'll contend for the Enchilada this year." Right up there with "Henry, put down your carrots and eat your pizza."

Some things you don't necessarily want to know how it works - like the how congress works (that's a trick! It's the opposite of "progress"!), how sausage is made, what a real Scot wears under his kilt or how Pep & Cheez ended up as a playoff contender. Yes, "The team that finished the auction with $26 left over has a deep, balanced team and a great chance at making the playoffs." They got just 10 points from Schaub despite Houston taking Indy to the woodshed (another one!) and still put up the third-most points this week. And "Ladanian Tomlinson might have a little gas left in the tank." He was the only part of the Jets offense that wasn't totally offensive last night.

Another stunner - "Michael Vick is back! And I like it!" Look, this may be his highwater mark for the season, but watching him scramble, twist and sprint, it was vintage Vick. OK, "Vintage Vick" was never really that great in terms of fantasy QBs, but he can light it up. By the way, some advice - when you meet this girl at a kegger at whatever community college she ends up at, you may want to make sure you're not the one who drinks until you pass out. Not that I know anything about that...

And then there's "Matt Forte may be the next Marshall Faulk." Look I don't know what happened to Forte last year, and even as a rookie I never would have thought "Marshall Marshall Marshall" but if you saw him run through a surprisingly tough Detroit D (witness the 4 straight stuffs from inside the 1), and of course the Martz connection, that's what came to my mind. When Brandon Marshall and Randy Moss have better days, and they will, Brokerage will be hard to beat. Surprising? Perhaps not. Scary? Is Elmo scary? I guess it depends who you ask.

"David Garrard just got 10 more fantasy points than Drew Brees." That's all you need to know about the Sprockets' opening weekend. It's enough to make you want to...

"Semi-P is undefeated." OK yes it's only one game, but sometimes you have to get these things in while you can. Anyway, for one week at least, my predictions have taken a shot on the shnozz. How about this: "Jay Cutler has the second-most points of any fantasy QB."

"Mike Williams (former top pick by Matt Millen) has been turned into a starting WR by Pete Carroll and had more fantasy points than Andre Johnson this week." How many weird things are in that sentence?!?!

Fortunately, some things are very predictable: "Mark Sanchez threw for 74 yards and 2 fantasy points last night against Baltimore." Exciting game last night right Dunder Mifflin?




And your moment of Zen: "Natural Disaster left the highest scoring player in the league on the bench" in the person of "Yo Arian" Foster. (Please, "Bananas" was Barry Foster. Can we find a new nickname for this guy?) See? Everything's going to be all right.

The Year of the Steal

The story I heard on how the thieves were able to mastermind absconding with Edvard Munch's "The Scream" is that the thief stymied the museum's security system by lowering themselves from the roof and opening a window then making off with the painting. Not quite the opening scene from The Thomas Crowne Affair, but amazing nonetheless.

Now there will be a full investigation into exactly how last night happened, but first let's take a quick look at what happened and who did it.

For context, "appropriate" amounts of money were spent on Brees ($35), Brady ($29), Rivers ($20), Romo ($17) and Peyton ($33). Bids that were between slightly high and "what were they thinking?" were heard for Palmer ($12), Flacco ($20), Eli ($14), Cutler ($11) and Kolb ($10).

But witness the quickness with which the following getaways were purpatrated: Aaron Rodgers went for $16, Matt Schaub went for $11 and Brett Favre for $7. Last year, Rodgers threw for 4434 yards and 30 TDs and ran for 5 more. Schaub threw for 4770 yards and 29 TDs. And Favre threw for 4202 and 33 TDs.

At Running Back, things were slightly less puzzling, with the biggest surprises being Chris Johnson at $51 and Adrian Peterson at $49 while Michael Turner also went for $49.

Interestingly, the WRs all seemed to go at reasonable prices, with Andre Johnson at $26, Randy Moss at $25, Miles Austin at $22, Larry Fitzgerald at $20 down to Muchostinko at $7. The surprise was just how much money was spent on TEs this year. However, given that Gates and Clark, among others, are projected to score as much as Jahvid Best and Steve Smith, perhaps the $16 and $14 was a bargain for them.

So how did it happen? One theory is that Pep & Cheez's master plan of sitting on a wad of cash as a decoy duped them into thinking they had no chance for Aaron Rodgers, Ronnie Brown and some of the other late picks.

Another theory is that the auctioneer had a stutter. Personally, I can't imagine anything worse, and frankly, if that were so, we might still be drafting. Seriously though, if I was slow to say "sold" a few times and it cost you the player you wanted, tough nuts. No, I mean I apologize.

And of course there was the flurry of rule change suggestions causing so many complaints that even Lubert seemed a voice of reason. Did the one change that went through (unanimously), expanding the auction to 14 players per position regardless of players kept, throw off seasoned vets, causing them to over-value certain players, leaving bargains at the end? We may never know. But consider this - the average cost of the first 11 QBs, RBs and WRs was $24. For the last 3 it was $16. Coincidence? I don't think.

I'm sure by now the question in all of your minds is this: who will win it all. According to the league website projections, the team with the best starting 8 is - the Sprockets! Here are all the teams' starting 8 by projections:

Sprockets 1,366
Brokerage 1,342
Office 1,340
RedBandits 1,336
TeamGump 1,332
Turd 1,329
DalesDMats 1,316
SemiP 1,306
PepNCheez 1,297
TimNKumar1,272
Fatties 1,264
Wombats 1,260
IT 1,251
Disaster 1,214

Recognizing that having a bench is important, counting all 16 positions, Brokerage and the Turd have (by over 200 points) the deepest teams, with the Fatties, Sprockets and Gumpsters bringing up the rear. Is it strange not to have the Turd bringing up the rear? (HA! Those jokes never get old!) (Or do they?)

So the question is: does this mean anything? Should we all just save ourselves the trouble and send Feldman our money (again)? Or Lubert (again)? Or the Turd??? But surely that's one of the signs of the Apocolypse, no? Let's look inside the numbers for a minute.

The projections have Pit QB scoring 329 points this year despite Roethlisberger having more success passing at underage girls while NE QB is good for 330 despite a healthy Brady and Welker, no rushing game and no defense. Kevin Kolb is projected for 348 and Favre 336. And most surprising, Cutler is projected to throw for more TDs than INTs. I cannot tell if pick-sixes count as part of his projected 25 TD passes on the site. It is interesting to note that Cutler is also projected to have more chins than yards rushing, so they got that right. (By the way, when I did a search for a Cutler picture, this is what came up. Inspire confidence SemiP?)

At RB, Chris Johnson is projected to lead the league with 1497 yards rushing. I would be stunned if CJ leads the league again and floored if 1497 is enough to lead the league. In the last 10 years, 34 times running backs have rushed for more than 1500 yards in a season. Only 5 players have done it 3 times (Portis, Edge, LT2, Shaun Alexander and Tiki Hut).

Adrian Peterson is projected to lead the league with 14 rushing TDs and only 4 other RBs are projected to score 10 or more. In the last 10 years, 95 backs have scored 10+ rushing TDs and 33 of those have scored 14 or more. OK, you say, but in today's NFL it's RBBC. Well, in each of the last 2 years, 4 backs have scored 14 or more. And this is not counting receiving TDs.

For WRs and TEs, only two, Randy Moss and Dallas Clark, are projected to score more than 9. However, in the last 10 years, 73 times WRs and TEs have scored 10 or more, including 27 in the last 3 years alone.

I'd guess by now if anyone is still reading, you're probably asking "Watchdog, what's the &*%@*! point?" Well my point, and I do have one, is that "You play to win the game!" No, that's not it. My point is that some players will vastly overreach their projections. And while the projectors have, apparently, tried to be conservative, particularly with RBs and WRs, some will underachieve as well. So if there's just one question left, it's this. Do you feel lucky punk? Well do you?

Is that Sean Penn with Harry?