Watchdog Week 16 - Apocolype Later!

Jump for joy!  End of the world averted!  I think we can all offer up a big thank you to Coaches Weryk and Tyburski for helping to short circuit this whole Mayan thing.  I don't think any of us really were ready for Semi-P as PCFFL champions any more than we were ready to see Abba in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame or to order a McRib.  In one of the more memorable fantasy games in PCFFL history, the Bandits did indeed somehow come through with their fifth straight time winning at least some money out of five tries.  You can call Fantasy Football "pure luck" as I have often in this space, and will again further down in this article, but good owners make their own luck.  "Luck is the residue of design" as the late great Howard Cosell liked to remind us (some attribute this quote to Branch Rickey, though if you Google it, John Milton may have also said it - so there).  When examining the career of the Red Bandits, I am reminded of that of one Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, born on the 3rd of July, 50 years ago. Why, you might ask?  (Or you might not, I suppose...)  They're both a little short, a little controversial, undeniably successful and a little too handsome. 

So what the heck just happened?  How did a kid actor go from a bit part in "Endless Love" to minor roles in "Taps" and "The Outsiders" to a first starring role was as "Woody" in "Losin' It" which sounds like a Skinemax flick - how did this actor suddenly rip off Risky Business, All The Right Moves, (Legend) and Top Gun?  Not to mention then starring opposite Paul Newman in the 30-years later sequel to The Hustler???  As Branch Milton would tell you, "Luck is the residue of having great teeth."  How did a team that went 7-6 in the regular season and finished 12th out of 14 in points scored win their last three games and stumble into their second Enchilada Championship in four years?  Looking at their team and their draft yields few clues.  They drafted both New York QBs, with Eli finishing 23rd in fantasy points and Sanchez finishing 30th.  LeSean McCoy finished 10th in average points per game and was passable when he was healthy.  Reggie Bush finished 18th in ppg.  Bilal Powel was their next best RB at 50th in ppg.  Julio Jones was clearly their best player, finishing 6th in total points among WRs.  Pierre Garcon was their next best WR at 26th in ppg.  Jason Witten provided excellent value at TE, particularly after getting over having his spleen ripped from his belly.  Over his last 12 games, Witten averaged a bit over 8.1 ppg, good for 5th best over that time period.  Janikowski was the 10th-best kicker in the league, ostensibly an alert free agent pick-up, though the guy they drafted at kicker, Matt Prater, finished 8th (oops).  And the mighty Seattle D, finished 5th in fantasy points, though over the last 7 weeks they were second.  So with that awesome performance, they must have made a few astute waiver pickups right?  Umm...  apparently Janikowski was their best pickup, except perhaps Powell.  Picked up Beanie Wells in week 2, cut him in week 4.  Picked up Daryl Richardson, Shaun Draughn, Cedrick Peerman, dropped Draughn and Peerman a few weeks later in favor of Montario Hardesty and Josh Gordon.  Hardesty was then cut 4 weeks later.  Picked up Vikings D and dropped them for Jets D, dropped second-round draft pick Peyton Hillis for Lance Dunbar.  Their regular season record over the last 4 years is 27-25.  Their post-season record is 11-1.  To answer the Tom Cruise questions at the start of this paragraph, one must assume that Coach Marcin has a little Raymond Babbitt in him - he's a good driver, and excellent driver.  Other than Rain Man, A Few Good Men and the early movies he had small parts in (Taps and Outsiders were both very good), it would be fair to say that the Mission: Impossible films are probably Cruise's most "important" works, whatever that means.  But what he has been consistently good at is making money - his movies have made over $3Billion in the last 31 years.  Just like the Bandits, relatively speaking. 

What about the game itself?  Like "Rock of Ages" the Enchilada Bowl did not disappoint.  Of course, you have to set your expectations properly for both.  "Rock" looked goofy to begin with.  Enchilada looked goofy but for different reasons.  Before the games even started, the Bandits scored a victory of sorts when Gronkowski did not travel with the rest of the Pats down to Jacksonville, meaning Semi-P would have to rely on Martellus Bennett for the fifth straight week.  (By a strange coincidence, Semi-P would end up losing 4 of those 5 games.)  The Saturday Night game went decidedly in Semi-P's favor with Matt Ryan throwing for 279 yards and 4 TDs, and only one of those scores going to Julio Jones.  37-13 after the first game of the week.  Back and forth they went, with Reggie the Vacator putting up the third-best game of his 7-year NFL career and only the second time he has scored more than 2 TDs in a game (indeed he's only scored two TDs in a game 8 times, plus three this week and four back on 12/3/06).  With LeSean McCoy returning from concussion after missing the previous four weeks, that meant the Bandits got his 11 points instead of Powell's 3.  Semi-P finally, after a season of being berated in this space, benched Larry Fitzgerald in favor of Cecil Shorts, only to see Shorts' game cut short by a concussion of his own (who else's would it be?) while Fitzy went for eleventy-one yards, a 6-point swing.  As the 1PM games wound to a finish, Semi-P held a 3-point lead after Miles Austin caught a game-tying TD (for the Cowboys) when suddenly Eli emerged briefly from his season long slop through the mire to get a garbage-time TD and the Bandits went into the Sunday Night game ahead by 3 with Frank Gore going against Seattle D.  Seattle D smothered the Niners for most of the game but tallied only one sack and one fumble as the clock started ticking down in the fourth quarter.  The previous time SF played the Seahawks, Gore got 16 carries for 131 yards.  This time he got a mere 6 carries for 28 yards.  Even so, Semi-P trailed by just 10 points when Gore broke free momentarily inside Seattle's 5 with one man to beat.  If he had managed to run over, around or through that player, Semi-P would have seen a 10-point swing - 7 from Gore for their tally with the Bandits losing 3 from allowing the TD.  But the tackle was made and when Kaepernick threw an interception two plays later and the Enchilada was once again headed for the Red Bandits' trophy shelf, so to speak.  Unfortunately for Cruise, the only trophy "Rock of Ages" might produce is a Razzie.  Stay tuned!

Perhaps my favorite Cruise movie, or at least the most under-rated one, is the Last Samuri.  Yes, it's about 45 minutes too long, and yes Cruise plays himself in it again.  But Ken Wantanabe is in it too.  I'm looking forward to a Wantanabe/Don Cheadle/Lou Diamond Philips buddy movie someday.  But I digress.  Or was that "regress"?  Egress?  Anyway, for Semi-P, their buddy movie starring Gore/Peterson did well in the box office, but flopped come awards ceremony time, so to speak.  "All Day" Peterson still finished 35 points clear of second place as the best RB in fantasy this season.  He had been averaging 188 yards per game over the previous 8 weeks, a pace that would put him at 3008 yards for a full season.  The first 6 weeks of the season he averaged fantasy 11.83 ppg.  Over the next 8, he averaged 24.28.  When the spit hit the spam, he managed just 82 yards and no TDs.  In the entire season, his low game was 8 and he scored under 12 just three times, counting the Enchilada.  Gore finished 12th best in the league in RB ppg, but again managed just 2 in the Enchilada.  His previous low for the season was 5 and he had at least 11 in 10 of 15 weeks.  Ryan finished 6th among QBs in fantasy ppg.  Shorts finished 17th and Austin 24th in WR ppg while Fitzgerald finished 41st (behind Brian Hartline, Golden Tate and teammate Andre Roberts among many others).  Gronkowski missed the last 5 weeks and still finished tied in total points among TEs.  Chicago Kickers combined to finish 17th, which is really inexcusable when many teams carried only one and two kickers who finished above that level finished the season as free agents.  They did make an alert pickup of San Diego D who put up 15 points against the hapless Jets.  And grabbing Cecil Shorts was one of the better pickups made by anyone all season, even if one of the few weeks he made the starting lineup he nearly cost Semi-P the title.  With no trades and only a handful of waiver moves, Semi-P can point to a strong draft, with Ryan for $20, Peterson for $35, Gronkowski kept at $15, Gore in the first round, Austin in the second, Sidney Rice in the fourth.  Both Ryan and Peterson are potential keepers for 2013, so Semi-P looks like a strong candidate for a return to the Title Game.  Word has it, t-shirts reading "Unfinished Business" have been printed and distributed to the team and coaches. 

Speaking of unfinished business, Tom Cruise has apparently agreed to star in Mission Impossible 5, though the guy in white in the picture here might have spared us that fate.  Dale's Doormats have unfinished business as well - they would have tied the Red Bandits had they not been dropped out of their own window in the semi-final round by Semi-P.  Their Constipation win over the Hundering Turd was over shortly after kickoff, even with Arian Foster leaving the game early due to heart problems after scoring only 2 points.  Doug Martin, Griffin Jr-Jr, Mike Williams, Demaryius Thomas, Matt Prater and Packers D all put up 10+.  And while the Turd got 10+ from most of their guys too, the goose-eggs by Hakeem Nicks and Giants D and 2-point effort from Owen Daniels yielded a 29-point loss.  Despite spending $38 on Thomas, this was easily the best performance by Dale's Doormats in the draft in recent memory, with Jr-Jr, SF QBs, Foster, Martin, Jacquizz Rogers, Bowe, Moss, Williams, GB K and D.  Throw in an alert (lucky?) pickup of Brandon Myers, who finished 12th in TE scoring despite totalling 2 points in the last 3 weeks and it's easy to see how DD won the Chamberlain title. 

Picking Cruise's worst movie ever is hard to do.  In the same way that only a couple stand out as being excellent, few were unwatchable.  Vanilla Sky, Knight and Day, Eyes Wide Shut, Cocktail.  I bring that up because it's time to talk about the Turd.  For the Turd, they somehow managed to win 9 games despite the Brees trade.  Spiller and Forte were both top 15 RBs despite missing time to injuries.  Cincy QBs were strong enough, finishing 12th in the league.  Vincent Jackson finished 6th in WR points and Crabtree 19th.  One cannot help but wonder how the season might have unfolded for the Turd with Brees (#1 overall) and Colston (12th in WR points).  Simply substituting Brees for Dalton and Colston for Nicks would have given the Turd wins both last week and this week... "Ouch" comes to mind.  I guess I'd pick Eyes Wide Shut, if I had to.  Vanilla Sky might have "won" if Cruise had done his own stunts in this scene...

In the Toilet Bowl, congratulations must be sent out to the Walla Walla Wombats, who pulled away from another nip and tuck game to win by 25 over the surprising Sprockets.  The Wombats got 40 from Romo, who bested 25 points for the 6th time this season putting up 20 points in the 4th quarter and OT.  They also got a combined 32 from Wayne and Decker, where the Sprockets got just 2 points total from Wallace, Amendola and Aaron Hernandez.  Sprockets got 38 from Rodgers, 19 from Shonn Greene and 16 from the Colts D, but little else, totalling 83 points.  For the Sprockets, it was perhaps Rodgers' uneven season that did them in.  He finished 2nd overall in points, but had 8 games with 29+ and 7 games with 21 or fewer.  Comparitively, Brees had 9 games with 29 or more,  but only one game under 20.  DeMarco Murray's injury didn't help, nor did Mike Wallace and Anquan Boldin's underwhelming seasons.  Interesting or not, the Wombats' bench had 85 points, despite two players with a DNP.  Lance "Code Red" Kendricks (seen here) even put up a career best 119 yards and a TD.  CJ2.0 reverted to form with 11 carries for 28 yards - other than the 122 and TD he put up against the Jets last week, he totalled 15 points in three of his last 4 games.  For the Wombats, the season rested squarely on the shoulders of Romo.  In the first 10 games, he had just 3 scores above 22 and none above 31.  In the last 5 he's averaged 29.8 with only one stinker (16 against Cincy in week 14) with an average of 353 yards passing and 13 TD passes total.  If Romo had shown up in the first half of the season, even with trading Lynch for Calvin Johnson, the Wombats might have made a run.  Wayne and Decker, Alfred Morris and CJ2.0, Jermichael Finley - all were solid if not spectacular.  Which brings us back to Cruise's box office take - $3Billion in 33 pictures, but the highest grossing Cruise movie ever was?  War of the Worlds.  And suddenly we're back to the Apocolypse.  See that?  It all comes full circle... 

Watchdog Week 15 - This Week's Sign That The Apocolypse May Be On Us

Well, looks like this is the last Watchdog ever.  The Apocolypse is upon us.  Are you ready?  (In all seriousness, are you?  If tomorrow was your Great Gettin' Up Day, would you be ready?)  How do we know?  Aside from a bunch of Native Americans who ran out of digits in their calendar like some reverse Y2K bug, we have several events without precedent - that will send even the most cold-hearted skeptic running for the bomb shelter:  1)  the NRA is supporting gun-control; 2) the McRib is back; 3) Abba is in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame; and 4) Semi-P is in the Enchilada Championship Game.  So literally taking a page from Sports Illustrated, we give you, without further pomp or circumstance, the end of the world.

(oops)


A bodybuilding competition in the Netherlands was canceled after all of the competitors fled when drug testers arrived.
I'm not suggesting Adrian Peterson has been getting "outside help."  But, perhaps the best measure of how unexpected Adrian Peterson's season has been is in the pre-season predictions.  According to the CBS website, which admittedly stinks, the three "experts" predicted as high as 1213 yards for AD.  He has passed that by 599 yards with two games left to play.  And so as he has carried the Vikings back into relevance, so he has also carried Semi-P in a minor upset of Dale's Doormats.  Peterson and Gore combined for 38 compared to the Doormats' dynamic duo of Martin and Foster, who combined for 18.  Margin of victory in the game?  20 points.  Or is it 26?  Still waiting on the league website to award Gore a TD on the fumble recovery.  In either case, the RBs were the difference.  And so Dale's Doormats move onto the Constipation Bowl after a stirring season that saw them battle tooth and nail with Semi-P for the division title and the Chamberlain title.  Each team won one title, but only one can win the Enchilada.  Will that be Semi-P?

12/16/02 A Buccaneers fan has purchased season tickets in four sections of RaymondJames Stadium so that he can watch each quarter from a different angle.
...and decided that they stink from every single one.  Semi-P got a respectable game from Matt Ryan, 270 yards and 3 TDs, the biggest recipient of that was Julio Jones, who they will play against in the Enchilada Finals as the Red Bandits somehow upended the Hundering Turd.  Interestingly, Sam Bradford on the bench set a career high with 377 passing yards and had 3 TDs from the Semi-P bench.  Their receivers continue to struggle, with Austin and Rice each getting just 7 points.  Will Gronkowski be back for the finals?  Will Cecil Shorts work his way into the lineup?  After missing the Jets game in week 14, he was back with 101 yards receiving against Miami.  He's now had 10 or more points in 5 straight starts, 7 of his last 8 and 9 of 13 overall. 

The Red Bandits, meanwhile, overcame another attrocious game from Eli, mainly thanks to Julio, Janikowski and Seattle D (again).  Reggie the Vacator and "Hard Hittin' Jason Witten" were both in double-digits and that was enough.  Of major concern for the Bandits, Eli was in the single-digits for the fourth time in the last 7 games and he has just two games with 20+ since week 5 (and just 5 out of 15 overall). 

So how will the Enchilada Finale go?
Eli vs Ryan has to be a big edge for Semi-P.  The Giants face the Ravens though, who are 26th in the league in overall yards allowed and 22nd in passing yards allowed, though 13th in points allowed.  Ryan faces a Detroit D that is 28th in the league in points allowed, though just 8th in passing yards allowed and 12th in overall yards allowed. 
Peterson and Gore for Semi-P figure to have a big edge over Reggie the Vacator and Bilal Powell.
Julio Jones is easily the best WR in the group, but does having him go against Matt Ryan favor Semi-P or the Bandits?  Depends on how much Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez do. 
Witten is better than Martellus Bennett, but if Gronkowski plays, again a big edge to Semi-P.
Bandits have the edge at K with Janikowski vs Mare and at D with Seattle vs either San Diego or Dallas.  But Seattle plays San Francisco, a tough team to get defensive points against, and while Dallas plays New Orleans, San Diego plays the Jets who just gave up 17 points to the Titans D.
 
11/26/07 A 102-year-old woman from Lincolnshire, England, posed nude for a calendar to raise money for a local soccer team.

Yep, the tale of the tape seems to confirm what is obvious to the naked eye - Bandits best chance is to start drinking heavily.


 1/22/96 Thirty-five Kansas City football fans last week signed up for Chiefs Grief, a therapy session designed to help people get over the team's Jan 7 playoff loss to the Indianapolis Colts. 

Jamaal Charles leads Pep & Cheez to a 93-0 victory over TBA.  He was the only KC player to finish the fantasy season on any team's roster.  Great Googly-moogly indeed!  P&C, finished for the season of course, finished the season with the second-most points in the league despite having 71 points on the bench just from Seattle QB, DeAngelo Williams and Darren Sproles.

I don't have a quote to go with this one.  It's relevance to the Apocolypse does not seem to need elaboration.

They don't call him "Big Ben" for nuttin!  And he showed why, putting up 25 points on 339 yards passing and 2 TDs, leading the Camel Jockey bench to a 70-67 victory over the Sprockets.  Unfortunately, the Jockeys' starting team put up a mere 66 and will once again be planning for next year's Draft Dominator updates (c) 2002. 






1/30/06 A Denver doctor offered a free vasectomy in exchange for tickets to the AFC Championship Game.

Aaron Rodgers shows you how swollen he got after his.  Nevertheless, he was able to lead the Sprockets to a 67-66 victory over the Camel Jockeys, with just enough help from Shonn Greene (35 second-half yards and 68 overall provided the winning margin) the former Camel Jockey traded earlier this season.  Yes, Anquan Boldin and Lawrence Tynes combined for zero points, as did Danario Alexander for the CJs.  


Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: What do you mean, "biblical"?
Dr Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!
So be good!  For goodness sake! 

See you on the other side my friends!

Watchdog - Playoff Week 1

In order to get into the spirit of the season a bit more, it is time once again for the first time ever to unveil the Watchdog's Shakespearean Insult edition.  Now there are websites where you can order up a Shakespearean insult like it's a Chinese Menu, simply picking one word from Column A, 2 and III such as "thou goatish onion-eyed miscreant" or "thou yeasty fen-sucked strumpet".  These however are actual insults from the Bard hisself.  And if we bloggers have offended, think but this and all is mended, that you have but slumber'd here when you shouldst have been working, and this weak and idle theme your time was jerking.

There's no more faith in thee than a stew'd prune (Henry V) For Dale's Doormats, they plunge once more into the breach, withstanding the assault of the Patriots, and fortunately the lesser assault of Justin Forsett, to hold onto a 9-point win.  And thankest they largely Kirk Cousins, on whom may rest their fortunes next week 'gainst the Garnets of Semi-P shouldst the knee of RGIII prove weaker than bowels after eating stew'd prunes.  Or will the DDs pick Kaepernick should Jr-Jr prove sick? 

That swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack...that Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly (Henry IV Part 1)  Now I have no idea what a Manningtree ox is, nor what he'd be doing with pudding in his belly, but apparently the Bard had trouble with Eli as an elite quarterback as well.  Is it the QB's fault if a receiver is a swollen parcel of dropsies?  Is it his fault if he is a huge bombard of sack?  Well, we mayst never know, but the Red Bandits hath reversed their previous error, having lost five of their last half dozen, whilst scoring a mere three score and six in each contest.  This week, with pudding in their bellies (mayhap from the wedding reception), the didst nearly double that output, and thankest they Eli and the stout defense of Seattle, which wast the second highest scoring "player" this week, with a pick-six, four INTs, four fumbles recovered, three sacks and a shutout of hapless Arizona.  And so the Bandits will sally forth and face the Turd of Hundering in the Enchilada semi-finals.

Pray you, stand farther from me (Antony and Cleopatra) the Sprockets may well say this to the Watchdog after last week's comment that they could keep Rodgers and Brown for $55 next year and have a beavy of picks, those two beheamoths combine for 15 points with Brown rushing a full dozen times for half a dozen yards, an effort that even CJ2.0 would be embarrassed by.  And yet, with Shonne Greene, Mike Wallace, Anquan Boldin! Aaron Hernandez, Lawrence Tynes and Cleveland D all hitting double-digits, they put up 107 and since trading Marshawn Lynch and DeMarco Murray before week 8, they have won 4 of their last 7, including averaging 98 points over their last 3.  If only the Watchdog would refrain from saying nice things about them and coming over and talking with them, spreading their stink!  Well Sprockets, you've been sprayed! 

Four of his five wits went halting off and now is the whole man governed with one (Much Ado About Nothing) the Dundies had been on a similar run to what the Sprockets now find themselves on which of.  (Since we are using and abusing the Queen's English here, and as one may not end a sentence with a preposition, I thoughtst to use three and thereby nullify that rule with the little-known triple-negative preposition proposition.  So there.)  The Dundies were also 1-8 before unexpectedly going on a four-game tear, also averaging 98 points per game, before unexpectedly crashing back to earth and realizing that "oh yeah, there was a reason we were 1-8."  Actually, I can find little reason for either their strange run of success or their long run of failure.  Stafford threw for 5000 yards last year and has a chance of doing so again this year (he has 4006 with three games to play).  Stevan Ridley, believe it or not, has 1082 yards and 10 TDs on the season.  Mikel Leshoure, Worldwide Wes Welker, Andre Johnson are all solid.  Tony Gonzalez at TE is second in the NFL behind Gronk.  Stephen Gostkowski is second behind Lawrence Tynes at K.  Pitt D (27th) and Atlanta D (13th) have disappointed, but the difference between Atlanta and Denver (3rd in D) is less than 2 points per game. 

Let's meet at little as we can (As You Like It)  Team Brokerage put up a fine effort, all the better if they'd picked Foles instead of Freeman, but even then, 99 would have fallen victim to the aforementioned Eli / Seahawk combination.  And so Coach Lubert mayst state that he'd hope the Seahawks and Cardinals wouldst meet as little as they can.  And betwixt Brokerage, Natural Disaster and the Camel Jockeys, we have clearly demonstrated the perils of trading future draft picks for a chance at glory unending.  At least the Jox are still alive in the Toilet Bowl. 

No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip, she is spherical...I could find countries in her (The Comedy of Errors)  This one seems fairly close to ebonics, or a 16th century version thereof, and couldst apply only to the Fatties.  The rash of wrongs to their running backs sank their season swiftly, being forced to find Forsett or Tate instead of MJD or Jennings.  And so teams touting Brady, Brees, Newton and Stafford are all home for the holidays whilst Romo, Daulton, Rivers and Ryan all play on.  The big difference in the game was clearly at RB, with Dale getting 31 from his and the Fatties getting 10 from theirs.  The gift TD that Stafford handed the Packers' D did not help, but without it, DD would have still had a 1-point margin. 

She hath more hair than wit and more faults than hairs (Two Gentlemen of Verona) Not sure if this works out to an insult for a bald guy or not, but a team wrecked on the rock of injuries was the Camel Jockies, a team picked by this pundit to waylay the league, but one that averaged just 69 points per game and only once broke 82 during the season of course put up 115 in round one of the Toilet Bowl, needing every point the way this sentence so desperately needs a period as their opponent, Team Gump, put up 110.  We witnessed Philip Rivers throw three scores for the third time this season, Darren McFadden dipped into double-digits for the fifth time, Marshawn Lynch maurauded the Cardinals, Cruz and Danario combined for 38. 

I can hardly forbear hurling things at him (Twelfth Night) Ah, Team Gump, 110 points in a losing effort and only David Akers to blame (or Coach Fred?).  If only they'd started Steven "Gesundheit" Hauschka at kickker instead, they'd have a chance to follow their Enchilada Championship with a Toilet Bowl Championship today, following in the footsteps of the Red Bandits.  But though they alertly benched Andrew Luck in favor of Cam Newton, somehow got 100 yards and a TD from Brandon Gibson and got their full effort from Dennis Pitta (you might say they were Pitta-full), they nonetheless fell short, and now will we quoth "taken" nevermore (at least until next season). 

Watch out he's winding the watch of his wit, by and by it will strike (The Tempest) - a bonus insult, apply it to Semi-P or the Turd if you like as they wind their teams up during their bye weeks.

There's small choice in rotten apples (Taming of the Shrew) Pep & Cheez found how true this is in having to pick between Matt Schaub and Russell Wilson (15 points each), though they did have better choices at RB (Dwyer 4 points, DeAngelo Williams 16, Darren Sproles 19) and D (Arizona 3, St. Louis 12).  Sub in any of those three and it'd have been more than enough to overcome the 2-point deficit they ended with against I/T.  And so ends another season for Pep & Cheez, overcome by Schaub and Wilson's effectiveness as a NFL QBs (11-2 and 8-5 teams respectively) but uselessness as fantasy QBs (16th and 22nd overall).  One can abide such putrid performance as one might abide a puking swag-bellied foot-licker (OK one extra made-up insult), provided one has a wealth of backs and receivers, but only Jamaal Charles showed up this season.  Maclin, Bryant and Pitt RBs were too inconsistent, and Sproles was injured too much to overcome. 

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee (All's Well That Ends Well) Did I/T use this game as a Milton Berle, taking out just enough to beat Pep & Cheez?  With Peyton, 4th in fantasy QB points, putting up another 300-yard game but only 1 score, that was all the Broncos needed and all I/T needed.  Getting the ball into the end zone a few times made all the difference, with Richardson and Jackson combining for three 1-yard TDs.  And I/T plays on. 

Away you three inch fool! (Taming of the Shrew) Ah, how sweet a win for the Wombats of Walla Walla, fleecing the Disasters for a first-round pick and then picking them off in round one of the playoffs (Toilet Bowl, that is).  Strangely, Chris Johnson did not again take his vengeance on the Disasters (and yes, we're plural now, as we have proven to be disasterous again and again) as I thought he would for the whole CJ2.0 kerfuffle earlier this season.  But Alfred Morris, Reggie Wayne and Eli Manning (and his pick-six gift to the Saints' D) combined to do in the Disasters, and the Wombats cry "Away, ye unmanly men!"  (Who knew Shakespeare could be so bawdy?)

Beg that thou may have leave to hang thyself (Merchant of Venice) And for the fifth time in six losses, the Natural Disasters leave the winning points on the bench, this time in the person of second round pick Brandon Lloyd.  After inexplicably dropping Kyle Rudolph, the Disasters scrambled to find any tight end that might produce points and settled on Pettigrew.  Unbeknownst to the Disasters' "braintrust", the Lions had decided to essentially bench Pettigrew in favor of a sixth lineman to provide Stafford extra protection and in the half-dozen plays he was on the field for, he managed to injure himself.  Fortunately, the other half-score tight ends they also considered also produced nary a point.  However, the revolving door at kicker produced some added angst as no fewer than 9 free agent booters would have given enough points for a win, three of whom had been Disasters at one point during the season. 

I do repent the tedious minutes with her I have spent (A Midsummer Night's Dream) Hopefully this one does not apply to your reading of this column, but nonetheless, should any of you have taken offense at anything herein, consider yourselves mere froward, clapper-clawed flap-dragons and all will be well. 

Watchdog Week 13 - Say It Ain't So Joe!

I keep looking at the league website to see if they've added a turnover to the Giants' D from Monday Night.  Wasn't there more than one fumble in that game?  No?  Two points.  As it turns out, the Fatties' tie in week 12 had one other outcome I hadn't even counted upon - a second straight tie, which would have put them in a third tie, this one for the sixth and final playoff spot.  And they avoided that fate by just two points.  Before Junior-Jr's 4th quarter touchdown, the Giants' D actually had 5 points, with three coming from holding the Skins to just 10 on the game.  Hold the Skins to a field goal there and the Turd wins 69-68.  Alternatively, the Turd could have "rested their starters" because their bench scored 69.  At every position possible the Turd made the wrong roster decision.  Last week, Coach KIngrey lucked into a win by inadvertantly starting Michael Bush over Matt Forte and when Forte left the game early he got gifted with 14 points he would not have otherwise had and a 7-point division-clinching win over the Wombats.  Tried to catch lightning in a bottle a second straight week but this time Forte outscored Bush by 12.  Bengals QB scores 20, Bears 23; any combination of two of their three reserve WRs would have scored at least 2 more points than Nicks/Jackson.  And Bills D had 8 compared the Giants' 2. 

And so the Fatties move on and earn a first round matchup with Wilt Chamberlain Scoring Champ Dale's Doormats who clinched their scoring title in style with their fourth high-points week of the season, a 112-64 demoralizing, dominating win over the Red Bandits, who may already be on their honeymoon (congrats, Coach Marcin, on the impending nuptuals!).  For DD, everybody scored at least 8 but no one scored more than 21.  For the Bandits, Eli's continued struggles against the 30th rated pass defense in the league, or more appropriately, the Giants' puzzling reliance on running the ball against the #3 rated run defense in the league, along with McCoy's bell-ringer seems to foreshadow a short post-season appearance for their first time in the league.

Semi-P gave one of those "it's the last game of the regular season, we better put up a good effort" type games you get from teams that clinched their division 11 weeks before.  Interestingly, they did bench one of their under-performing WRs in favor of Cecil Shorts 33 1/3 (The Smell of Cecil) - they just picked the wrong one, keeping Larry Fitzgerald in the lineup over Miles Austin and having to witness one of the worst QB displays in NFL history this side of Patterson Plank Pisarcik.  Ryan Lindley!  Mark Sanchez!  Greg McElroy!  And Tim Tebow didn't even get in the game...  Anyway, SP fell short as the Avis "We Try Harder" Award this season goes to the Sprockets, for continuing to work that roster, picking up Bryce Brown (potential keeper) and Vick Ballard (another potential keeper or trade option) on waivers after already picking up two extra first round picks for next year's draft.  They could theoretically keep Aaron Rodgers and Bryce Brown, trade Ballard for a first or second round pick and end up with five of the top 28 picks, two keepers and $45 to spend.  Even Coach Feldman should be able to build a winner with that! 

Team Brokerage broke out some world-class anti-trash talking (whining) which reminded both my brother and I of one of our father's most effective techniques in winning all those games and contests over the years.  Looked after the Thursday night game like it would pay off in a big way when Brees had his 54-game TD streak broken, but alas, it was not to be.  Calvin Johnson, Ray Rice, Fred Jackson combined for 47.  Looking ahead though, Brokerage's acquisition of DeMarco Murray looks like it's going to pay dividends in the playoffs.  If Harvin can come back healthy, with Josh Freeman's friendly up-coming schedule Brokerage looks like a tough out.

In other games, the Dundies finished the regular season strong, winning their fourth straight with Stevan Ridley and Mikael Leshoure looking like potential keepers for next season.  They finished with the second-most points scored in their division but fourth in the standings.  Not sure I can pinpoint why they are suddenly scoring 98 per game over the last four after scoring just under 81 per game over the first 9.  Stafford is a big part of that - the only truly great game he had in the first 9 weeks was in week 3 when the Dundies put up 114 to beat the Sprockets, but the correlation isn't there - he averaged 23.25 in the first 9 weeks and 25.5 in the last 4 - not exactly a 17 point swing!  Similarly, Ridley, Andre Johson and Leshoure are each doing better, but no one is doing it all by themselves.  Pep & Cheez, meanwhile, never really overcame the "fantasy mediocrity" of Matt Schaub.  Sproles, Charles, Nelson, Dez Bryant and Jimmy Graham are the nucleus of a competitive team, but no one had a great season.  The Steelers' revolving door at RB didn't help anything either. 

I/T finished by winning their last two, to end up at 7-6 and scored only one point fewer than the playoff-bound Fatties, but still a disappointing season despite backing into having Peyton Manning as a keeper QB and having two pretty good RBs in Steven Jackson and Trent Richardson.  The rest of the team never really seemed to gel.  Steve Johnson was only OK, Heyward-Bey got his head taken off.  Having no first or second round pick definitely hurt, particularly when none of their waiver pickups panned out.  Their best value pick in the draft was Heath Miller, the fourth-best TE in the league this year, nabbed in the 9th round.  The Gumpsters finish defending their Enchilada championship with a 4-9 record after getting pasted by I/T.  Luck looks like a keeper for next year, and maybe Bradshaw too if he looks healthy. 

Last and least, the Wombats edged the Camel Jockeys and each team finished at 4-9.  The Wombats had a particularly frustrating season, one that saw them get top flight production from 3rd round pick Reggie Wayne and 7th round pick Alfred Morris.  Chris and Calvin Johnson's slow starts and the roller coaster season for Tony Romo did them in as much as anything.  Romo had only 5 games with more than 22 points but all 5 of those were at least 29 points.  The Camel Jockeys were bitten by the injury bug, with McFadden, Roofiesburger, Keller, Pierre Thomas, Beanie Wells and Greg Jennings all losing large chunks of the season.  Danario Alexander was a great waiver pickup, but didn't make up for Phil Rivers and Victor Cruz' disappointing seasons.

In an unprecedented move, the Watchdog is actually going to hold itself responsible for the pre-season predictions.  How'd we do?  Picked the Sprockets, Camels and Turd int he Canes Division (oops) and Fatties, Semi-P and Wombats in the Quakes division.  50% success ratio isn't too bad, I think, but not too good either - seems to be right in keeping with the theme of the season - call it "a return to mediocrity!" 

And in a precedented move, the Watchdog will hereby declare our prediction for the Enchilada Bowl as Semi-P, with the Turd coming just short!  Well Joe?  The curse is on! 

Watchdog Week 12 - Better Off Dead

This may have been a better theme to pick for the week when the Turd played Natural Disaster, but who am I to argue with what I've been given to work with? 

Lane Myer: Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching "The Wide World of Sports." So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?

There is exactly one playoff spot up for grabs and the battle will be between the Fatties (7-4-1) and the aforementioned Disaster.  ND will face the already-whining Team Brokerage while the Fatties square off against the Hundering Turd.  Since Brokerage has already been whining about the trade between the Turd and Disaster, it seems the whole thing is coming full circle.  At this point, the Turd do not seem to be "resting their starters" which is going to make the Fatties earn their way in.  The website is predicting a 107-102 victory for the Turd - hardly decisive and a high-scoring epic. 

The Turd and Semi-P have locked up their divisions, Dale's Doormats have locked up a playoff spot and the Chamberlain Scoring Title and the other 

Monique Junot: I figured if we had nothing to say to each other he would get bored; go away. But instead he uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me.
Lane Myer: Excuse me?
Monique Junot: You know, like octopus? Testicles?
Lane Myer: Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Tentacles; big Difference.

There were two games apparently decided by one point in week 11.  Or were there?  Dale's Doormats received 2 extra points when Arian Foster was somehow awarded an extra 13 yards rushing the following week, bringing his total from 77 to 90 and changing the outcome of the Doormats-Turd battle from a 105-104 Turd victory to a 106-105 Doormat win.  Tom-foolery?  Shenanigans?  Back-door negotiating?  A full investigation is underway with all the resources the PCFFL has available. 

And the Fatties were initially awarded a 73-72 win over Team Brokerage, but somehow a week later, Cincy D came up with a phantom sack, turning the loss into a tie.  Now in the Foster/Texans game, you can look up the box score and see that he ran for 90 yards.  Hard to argue with that.  If you look up the Cincy game from week 11, four guys are listed with 1 sack each and Cincy D with a team total of 3.  So which is it?  According to nfl.com, the team did have four, so that's what we're going with.  The upshot for the Fatties is not all that different either way - if they win, they advance, if they lose, and Disaster wins, they're out.  If they had won in week 11, they'd be in nearly the same spot but would have one extra advantage and that would be if they end up losing this week and Disaster wins, but Fatties would out-score Disaster by more than 33, they'd win the tie-breaker.  Since that seems unlikely, I'm going to let this one rest.  For now.  If that is exactly how this plays out, I'll investigate the Cincy Week 11 game further.

But the upshot of the Doormats' "come from behind" victory (the fantasy equivalent of the "Fail Mary"?), is that DD have a playoff spot locked up instead of having to win this week, so it's two teams fighting for one spot instead of three vying for 2 spots.  And of course, as always, it's the Turd in the middle of the punchbowl (if you will).  Anyway, it's the difference between "S-T" and "N-T" in "tenticles."  Small change, big difference!

Every year, the Watchdog has to chase one or two teams down for their league dues.  You know who you are. 

  Paperboy:   Four weeks, twenty papers, thats two dollars. Lloyd: Sorry, I don't got a dime. Paperboy: Don't want a dime. Two dollars. Lloyd: Its a funny story, you see my mom had to leave early to take my little brother to school and my dad to work so.. Paperboy: [threateningly] Two dollars. Lloyd: The thing is, this morning my little brother got his arm caught in the microwave and my mom had to take him to the hospital, then my grandma dropped some acid and she kinda freaked out and hijacked a schoolbus...full of penguins. So its kinda a family emergency so if you could just come back later? Thanks.

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but Semi-P lost their second straight game as their WRs combined for 3 points.  Will Cecil Shorts (CS3) work his way into the lineup? Can you bench Larry Fitzgerald or Miles Austin?  Semi-P won't play a game that matters between week 10 and week 15.
 
Paperboy: Two dollars!



Charles De Mar: I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.

Now I've been playing fantasy football for nearly 20 years now and I'm no dummy.  And yet, I'm an idiot, a complete moron.  Case in point:  Disaster has three lineup "decisions" to make this week against a frisky Dunder Mifflin team who was forecast to score 105 but only put up 102, and moreover, negated Calvin Johnson with Matthew Stafford.  Choice one:  Conor Barth or Adam Vinatieri at K.  Got this one right, yielding 3 extra points (ba-dum-bump).  Choice two:  injured but playing Fred Jackson against Indy, or Andre Brown against the Pack with starter Ahmad Bradshaw missing practice all week and Brown having scored a TD in 4 straight games.  Picked Jackson, lost 11 points in the move.  And choice #3 - 49ers D against Brees and the Saints or Carolina D against Philadelphia's back-ups (Foles, Bryce Brown and company).  Being down 80-20 after the Thursday game, I felt that Brees and SF D were unlikely to both have big games and that we'd need a big game to win.  I went with Carolina.  Lost 14 points in the trade, though they dropped at least 2 pick-sixes - the 9ers did not drop theirs.  Lost by 8 points.  Now that would be one thing if it was a one-time thing, but in three of ND's other four losses, the winning points were left on the bench.  Which would be one thing if it was a one-season thing, but ND brought in Coach Morrison to "help keep Dave away from Stupid."  It has not worked.  Stupid has moved into the apartment over the garage and is cleaning out ND's fridge every night.  As such, Coach Ingrey has been fired, and Coach Morrison has been put in charge of the lineup.  You read that right.  D-Mo, don't mess it up!   

Charles De Mar: This is pure snow! It's everywhere! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Dunder Mifflin, by the way, currently has the second most points scored in the Canes' Division and fifth-most in the league and will miss the playoffs at 4-8.  Those pesky 6-game losing streaks can really dampen your chances in a given year.  Eight times this season the Dundies have faced a team that scored 94 or more, winning just one of those contests.  By contrast, Semi-P has played an opponent who put up more than 83 in a game just twice and won one of those two contests. 

Yee Sook Ree: Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.

Speaking of being badly beaten, but not out, the Sprockets won for the second time, ending the season for Pep & Cheez (or at least relegating them to the Toilet Bowl) after alertly scooping up Bryce Brown (178 yards, 2 TD, 30 points) after missing out on Knowshon Moreno by a matter of minutes and a technicality.  OK, they weren't the first team to try to drop someone who had already played that week, so this seems like a good time to point out that YOU CAN'T DO THAT in order to pick up someone who hasn't played yet.  Nevertheless, the Sprockets were without daunts.  Didn't even matter that Mike Wallace was fired from 60 Minutes or whatever he did to put up ZERO points (1 catch for 9 yards against CLEVELAND).  Or that Aaron Rodgers got Discount Double-Checked right out of the game against the G-MEN!  When you see Graham Harrell under center for the Pack, it's either a really good thing or a reeeeeaaally bad thing.  It was not good.

Tree Trimmer: Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

The other key game this past weekend was the Fatties putting up 105 and then relying on Team Gump to pull a "Disaster" by benching last year's "can't miss" guy Cam Newton in favor of this year's in Andrew Luck, and by leaving Bradshaw out in favor of either Felix Jones or Michael Turner.  So in essense, they should have thrown out the white boy...  However, a loss by the Fatties in week 12 would have put much more controversy into the week 11 strangeness.

Language lessons. Inspired words from a man who knows how to ski.

So Dale's Doormats put up their third high-score for the season and, with a 77-point lead on Semi-P, have put a strangle-hold on the Chamberlain.  How did they do it?  "Language lessons?"  Inspired words indeed!  Two great RBs, and two good / potentially great QBs in SF and Bob Griffin Jr-Jr.  And they spent nearly half their auction on Peyton Manning's likely #1 target in Demaryius Thomas (#5 WR in the league) and you have a team.  When BGJr-Jr panned out, their victory was assured.

With all that being said, it must be time for Dr. Gray's pre-post-season predictions!  Tune in next week to find out what they are! 

Watchdog Week 11 - Hasta la vista?

Not so fasta.  In what figured to be a week where at least a few teams heard "Hasta," in fact, no one saw their season terminated.  OK, technically the Wombats did, but they had already announced the firesale, so I'm not sure that counts.  And yes, I/T is on life support, but we'll get to that directly.  Is it possible that either Gump or the Camel Jockeys can make the playoffs?  Is it possible that Dale's Doormats can lead the league in points and miss?  Just like in T1, T2, T3, TS and the TV show, no one ever really dies, they just keep crawling back for more!

 

Well, the old Watchdog double-jinx finally tripped up Semi-P as going into the Monday Night game, all they needed was 12 points with Gore and Gould going.  Gore did his part with 7, but no Cutler does not equal no problem for the Bears and the dream of the undefeated season dies for Semi-P.  The point is moot, as I mentioned last week - SP already has the division sewn up.  If you're looking for trouble, Gronkowski's broken wrist on the Pat's PAT to get New England up to 59 on the day will keep him out of the next two fantasy games and probably SP's first playoff game (in week 14).  Gronk accounted for 25 of SP's 50 points scored on Sunday.  Though the Camel Jockeys are 4-7 now, they had Ben Roofiesberger, McFadden and Jennings injured, Marshawn Lynch and Victor Cruz on a bye this week.  Oh, and the Eagles D quit.  That's a pretty good team on the bench and the Jockeys still won without them.  Oh by the way, Matty Ice was looking more like Vanilla Ice with his 5 INTs.  And yet if he'd thrown just one TD...  And while Semi-P may be full of holes for one week, as Robert Patrick says here - his sister shot him full of holes once.  Once. 

"Your clothes.  Give them to me."  In this week's Battle of the Century, the Hundering Turd held on to defeat Dale's Doormats 105-104, despite DD taking a commanding lead in the Chamberlain Scoring race.  As usual, these were two of the three teams to  score over 86 points this week facing off.  So far this season, 8 times in 11 weeks two of the top 5 scoring teams for the week playing each other.  As a result, Dale's Doormats are now in 5th place with two to play (against the aforementioned Camel Jockeys this week and the occasionally dangerous Red Bandits next week).  It appears winning both games will be crucial as they need at least two teams ahead of them to lose at least once.  Dale could become the first team in league history to lead the league in scoring and make the Toilet Bowl (otherwise, he would be one of four other teams since 2002 to lead the league in scoring and finish 3rd in his division). 

The Turd, meanwhile, locked up their division, opening up a 3-game lead with 2 to play.  Presumably the debate over whether or not to rest their starters is already in full force in Hunderingville, with Cutler riding the pines last night with a widdle headache.  Awwww....  (now that's a concussion!)






"Did you call moi a dips***?" Pep 'n' Cheez, desperate for a win, came up with their first high points week of the season, putting up 108 on the suddenly lethargic Red Bandits.  527 yards passing and 5 TD will help get that total up there.  That ties Schaub with Warren Moon for the second-most passing yards in a game in NFL history, but 27 yards behind the mortal Norm Van Brocklin.  Van Brocklin and Schaub had 5 TD passes, Moon a mere 3.  By the way, Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch had 9 catches for 176 yards and 4 TD receptions in the Van Brocklin game in 1951.  Their victim?  The New York Yankees.  Well, that explains everything, does it not?  The Yankees were never known for their pass defense, even when ARod was in his prime or back in the day when Mickey Mantle was patrolling center.  This is Schaub's second career game with 490 or more yards passing.  The only other player to do that was Boomer Esiason (522 and 490).  So how is it that Schaub and the Texans QBs are currently 16th in fantasy points?  And coming into this week (that is, not including the 51), he was averaging 17.2 PPG, just behind Arizona, Cutler, Eli, and just ahead of Seattle, St. Louis, Minnesota and the Jets. 

"Hasta la vista baby."  Meanwhile, what has happened to the Red Bandits?  They were 6-2 a few short weeks ago and still have a magic number of just 1 to make the playoffs, but the last 3 weeks, they've scored 66, 66 and 49.  And when you look at their roster, LeSean McCoy and Eli were the only guys capable of putting up 30 in a given game and now McCoy is out for week 12 and Eli hasn't topped 20 since week 5 against Cleveland.  OK, Reggie Bush has 31 in week 2 against Oakland, but doesn't everyone put up 30+ against Oakland?  Against everyone else, his high for the season is 12. 

The Fatties won a must-win game against Team Brokerage with just enough (73-72).  Both teams left big games on their benches from back-up QBs (Freeman had 31 for Brokerage, Chad Henne had 39 for the Fatties).  The Fatties got further good news with Willis McGahee going down for the rest of the regular season, making Ronnie Hillman the #1 RB in Denver.  As long as MJD is out, that will be key for the Corpulent Ones.  Brokerage still has Percy Harvin coming back from his bye week and DeMarco Murray coming back from injury, though probably not until at least week 13.  Their magic number remains 1 also to make the Enchilada, though with the tie-breaker of points scored, they'd have to fall apart completely to miss even at 6-7.  Brokerage has to still figure out what to do with Harvard Fitzgerald, who has averaged 28 points per game in 6 of his starts and 7 PPG in his other four starts.  The Fatties slide into a playoff spot if the season ended today, despite having the 6th most points in the Quakes Division. 

The Dundies continue their late-season surge, with their second straight win, this time dealing a big blow to I/T's playoff hopes.  By points per game, the Dundies are the 3rd best scoring team in the Canes Division but have been eliminated from Enchilada contention due to having 107 more points per game scored against them than the league average (or 24 points per game more than Semi-P).  For I/T, their game and perhaps their season came down to the inexcusable decision to start Tampa Bay D (4 points) over New England (21 points).  Or was it inexcusable?  Going into the week, TB had scored 80 points and was facing an anemic and troubled Carolina team.  New England had scored 79 and was facing a hot Indy team.  The only two points in New England's favor - newly acquired Aqib Talib made his first start for them (and had a pick-6) and they were playing at home.  Still, a defensible decision for the defense, I think.  And now I/T is 2 back with 2 to play. 

 "It's definitely you."  Is that the Justin Blackmon the Jags thought they were drafting?  That is a weapon!  Team Gump also managed to stay alive (barely) with a convincing 92-79 win over the Wombats, breaking that pesky 5-game losing streak.  The Gumpsters are 17 points behind the Red Bandits in total points but if first round NFL draft pick Justin Blackmon can come anywhere close to his 29-point outburst as opposed to the 29 points he'd accumulated in his previous 9 games total, Gump might just do their part and win out against the Fatties and I/T.  Alertly picking up Kyle Rudolph when Natural Disaster inexplicably dropped him could also pay off big. 

"The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves."  ND moved into second place in the Quakes division behind recently acquired Drew Brees and even more recently-acquired Calvin Johnson and the 49ers D demolishing the Bears.  Just because their draft stunk, doesn't mean they have to settle for "also-ran".  No one else did much of anything as they edged the now 1-10 Sprockets.  Not sure what the picture here has to do with the theme of the day, but Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Watchdog Week 10 - Stop that Rhyming Now, I Meant It!

So here we are again with just 3 weeks left before the end of the regular fantasy season.  What do we know?  Who will win it all?  How good is Semi-P?  Let me put it this way.  Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?  Morons.  Who will find the secret way in, rescue the Man In Black, save the princess, avenge their father and win the Enchilada?  Same answer!  That's a fargin' trick question!  (Oops, wrong movie!)


It seems like the mediocrity has filtered out of the Canes division, as the Sprockets and Dundies have been eliminated from Enchilada contention and the Gumpsters and Camel Jockeys have a magic number of just one - if either of them loses one of their next three games or Brokerage and the Bandits win one, they are out.  And we know the Turd continues to reign supreme despite the shellacking they received this past week at the hands of the aforementioned Semi-P.  As the Man In Black said, "Life is pain.  Anyone who says differently is selling something."

In the Quakes division, things are a bit more muddled.  Semi-P has locked up the division championship already, an event unprecedented and never before seen (as reported from the Department of Redundancy Department).  And the Wombats also have a magic number of 1, being three back with three to play.  The other five teams in the division all have a pretty good chance of finishing 8-5 on the season.  Remember, the first tie-breaker is points scored, not head-to-head which I believe would be unfair if the one matchup happened in a week when one team had its key player(s) on a bye. 

So question number one on everyone's mind - can Semi-P go undefeated?  The answer of course is "inconceivable."  It is impossible, unprecedented and in every other way inconceivable.  That said, their path to the undefeated regular season is "blocked" by the Camel Jockeys (3-7), the Red Bandits (6-4) and the Sprockets (1-9).  They've already earned a bye week for week 14.  What kind of season are they having?  Larry Fitzgerald is on a bye so they pick up Cecil Shorts III (CS3?) and he puts up a career high 16 points.  And oh by the way, another top fantasy team puts up a mediocre 68 points when Semi-P shows up on the schedule.  All that is to say, maybe that word doesn't mean what I think it means?


Dale's Doormats are 14 points behind Semi-P but due to having had 175 more points scored against them, come in at 6-4 and could conceivably miss the Enchilada playoffs.  Their three remaining games are vs the Turd (8-2), the Camel Jockeys (3-7) and the Red Bandits (6-4).  Presumably, with a 154-point lead over the 4th, 5th and 6th place teams, they will hold onto the first tie-breaker and make the playoffs with two more wins.  The Doormats have the two best RBs in the league in Foster and Martin and a "pack" of pretty good WR in Mike Williams, Demayrius Thomas and Dwayne Bowe.  Will Bob Griffin Jr-Jr revert to his early season form when he was as unstoppable as the Dread Pirate Roberts?  Or will he continue to be mostly dead, and put up 13s as he has his last two weeks?  Can Dale's Doormats storm the castle and make a run at the Enchilada?  It'll take a miracle.

With Natural Disaster, letting them lurk around and maybe make the playoffs is a huge mistake.  Possibly as big as getting involved in a land war in Asia, but easily as big as going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.  It would be hard to see this team finishing 7-6 with Brees, Rice and Colston and recently-acquired Calvin Johnson (gave up Britt and their #1 pick in 2013)  If Fred Jackson gets healthy and/or Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't (and Andre Brown takes over as the Giants #1 RB), ND could make this the Year of the Disaster in a fantasy football sense as well as in a reinsurance sense.  They currently hold a 31-point lead over the Fatties for 3rd place. Their remaining games are against the Sprockets (1-9), Dundies (2-8) and Brokerage (6-4).  I just hope none of these players are susceptible to iocane powder.  (By the way, how does Prince Humperdink determine by smelling the vial that it contained iocane?  It was supposed to be odorless!)

The Fatties picked a terrible time to put up a "double nickel" (putting up just 55 and losing to the now 2-8 Dundies).  They are now on the "all dead" side as opposed to "mostly dead" and as you know, with all dead, there's only one thing you can do - go through their pockets for spare change (get it?  Double nickel?  Ha!)  But, as the Fatties will be quick to remind - being mostly dead is the same as being partly alive.  And with Brady, Green-Ellis and Brandon Marshall, and with Jones-Drew due back any time (except this week) from a sprained foot, they too could be ready for a miracle.

There is an I in Inigo - in fact two I's but not right together - and There is an I in I/T.  Coincidence?  I don't think!  Can I/T make a run at the Enchilada?  Well, up next is a game with the Dundies, who killed I/T's father and are now preparing to die.  After that is a game with Brokerage, who also killed their father and are now preparing to die.  And lastly a game with the Gumpsters, who killed I/T's father and are - OK!  I'll stop saying that!  Anyway, they have two winnable games and one harder one (you can decide which is which), meaning that 8-5 is a real possibility. 


And then there's Pep and Cheez, who play the Bandits, Sprockets and Dundies, again one tougher game and two "more winnable" games.  After three straight games in the low 70s, they hit 99 against the Camels and could be peaking at the right time.  If only Schaub had to work harder to win games for Houston!  They have Jamaal Charles, Maclin, Dez, Jimmy Graham, Jordy Nelson, Sproles (when healthy) and Pittsburgh RB.  Would Green Bay QBs be available by trade?  This is a nearly perfect team and perfect teams are a shame to waste. 

Ah, the torture of fantasy football!  Two fateful decisions hit the Wombats hard this week - leaving Flacco and Calvin Johnson on the bench.  When I asked if Coach Moose had trouble getting online in the wake of Sandy and he said no, he meant to do that.  And so the Wombats lose by 1 to the Brokerages and are essentially eliminated from playoff contention.  Now they've just lost one year off their fantasy football life.  Coach, can you describe your feelings at this point? 

So the Turd laid a stinky one this week.  Rest assured, they do not get eaten by the eels at this time.  Hey, we all have games where it's like we got thrown overboard into eel infested waters  (even Semi-P put up 67 and 75 earlier this season).  Red Rifle put up 31 of the 65 points.  Nicks showed up, even if the rest of the Giants didn't, and they continue to carry at least three legit starting RBs.  They all but have the division secure, so an upcoming schedule of Dale's Doormats (#2 scoring team in the league), Wombats and Fatties shouldn't make them soil themselves.  The Turd does make the playoffs.  I'm explaining to you because you look nervous.  OK, "concerned."   

And who bested the Turd this week?  That would be Team Brokerage, who survived injuries to DeMarco Murray and Percy Harvin and stepped closer to completing their goal of starting a war with Florin, global domination, or just winning the Enchilada Bowl.  With games remaining against the Fatties, I/T and Natural Disaster and needing just one win or a loss by Gump and the Camels to lock up a berth in the Enchilada, all they need to do is get healthy.   That way, they can face the Turd in the playoffs, as God intended.  Sportsmanlike.  No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.  It's not Brokerage's fault they're the biggest and strongest.  They don't even exercise. 

It turns out you can spell "elite" without Eli.  Even the Watchdog's patent double reverse jinx-o-rama didn't bring Eli out of his slump.  Unfortunately, that means the Red Bandits have now lost two in a row and their chances of winning the division are no better now than they were a month ago.  However, their chances of making the Enchilada playoffs remain as strong as ever.  If Reggie the Vacator and McCoy can find the end zone once or twice they've got a chance at making a run.  Don't count on the Bandits winning much the rest of the regular season though, with games against Pep and Cheez, Semi-P and the Doormats remaining.  7-6 would be an achievement.  Get healthy, get Eli back on a roll.  Survive and advance.  Because winning the Enchilada is possible, Pig.  It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that the Bandits are only lying there losing two in a row because they lack the strength to win a game.  But then again...