Before we get to the guts of today's update, congratulations to the playoff teams:
Division Winners: Wombats and Fish get a bye this week
First round playoffs: Tim & Kumar vs Dale's Doormats; Sprockets vs Red Bandits
For those who are wondering (and it may just be Fish and the Sprockets), the Commish had decreed a few years ago that points scored would be first tie-breaker. The reason we use that instead of head-to-head is the likelihood that the head-to-head matchup would take place in a week when one team had one or several players on a bye, thereby creating an unfair advantage. As such, it is (are?) the Fish who get the first round bye and the 5% division winners prize, along with their regular-season points title.
For the rest of us, it's on to the Toilet Bowl!
Fatties will host Pep & Cheez; E-Head vs Electric Mayhem; Brokerage vs the Turd and Semi-P vs Team Gump.
The playoff race was truly down to the wire for several teams. Red Bandits needed 16 points from GB QBs to secure their playoff spot, holding off the red-hot Team Brokerage, who finished the season on a 4-game winning streak, even getting high points twice, including this week.
For the Doormats and Fatties, it was Dale putting up 90 and winning (despite leaving Washington QB's 32 on the bench) while the Fatties put up 99 and lost. Leonard Weaver (15) or JerMichael Finley (19) could have helped the Fatties stop the bleeding (they finished by losing their final 4 games) and sneak into the Enchilada Bowl.
So let's take a moment and reflect on the 2009 fantasy season with a little help from the Griffins:
Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear(Peter is in court)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........You bastard
Peter (drunk and naked at a wine tasting): Hey hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He told me he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off.
The Family Guy's version of "Fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son." But perhaps a good way to pass a fantasy football season. The Turd lost their last 7 games, though the last 2 were not surprising, having traded for picks in the 2010 draft. When Donald Brown, Earnest Graham and Marshawn Lynch all bombed out, it didn't really matter that they were able to keep Jacobs (big disappointment) and one of the two top candidates for NFL MVP in Brees. Even getting the #1 scoring TE in the league (Vernon Davis for those of you scoring at home - or even if you are by yourself) in round 7 failed stem the tide and a 4-2 start ended up 4-9.
Tom Tucker: And now over to Ollie Williams for the blackie punishment forecast, Ollie?
Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie!
Team Gump had that nasty 6-game losing streak in the middle of the season, and despite having Peyton, Thomas Jones, Adrian Peterson, (3rd and 9th best RBs in the league) alertly picking up Austin Collie and generally paying attention to available free agents, they just weren't able to put it all together this year. Not sure what the quote has to do with Team Gump - I just like that one.
Congressman: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
Peter: Well that may be, but what were all forgetting is anyone that doesn't want to go to war is gay.
Congressman:I want to go to war.
Congressman:I want to go to war.
All of Congress:I want to go to war.
Dick Cheney:I was the first one who wanted to go to war.
Semi-P looked ready for war, and most certainly not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). They will, however, certainly win the annual Fatties Award this year for finishing second in the league in total points, yet missing the playoffs. It would be tempting to say that losing Ronnie Brown killed SP's season, because with Ricky Williams, Randy Moss, Austin Miles, Vikings QB and Jason Witten, this team had everything you could want. But strangely, it was a slow start that doomed SP. They started 3-6, then won two games more before Brown got hurt. Got 4 of their last 5, but really needed to get 8 wins, not 6.
Meg: Mom, Dad--am I ugly?
Lois: Oh of course not sweetie!
Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg: Craig Hoffman.
Peter: Crai....Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.(Meg runs out crying)
Sometimes it's better to just call ugly ugly and be on with your life. Pep & Cheez had a better team than their record, but wisely pulled the plug and made some excellent trades for next season, picking up 2 first round picks and a third, giving up Pierre Thomas, Brian Westbrook and Anquan Boldin. As has been proven by both Ingrey brothers and the Jets however, just having a plethora of picks does not necessarily give one a guarantee a team of a successful draft!
Cleveland: All he needs is another lemon snow cone.
Peter: No thanks, that yellow snow cone you gave me didn't taste like lemon, it tasted more like...oh you guys are asses!
The defending Enchilada Champion E-Head lost 4 of their last 5 to fall out of contention and will have to defend their title in the Toilet Bowl. Don't eat that yellow sno-cone!
Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes. The Fatties endured the aforementioned 4-game losing streak to end the regular season and missed the playoffs again. Coincidence? I don't think! Worse still, they gave up their 1st and 3rd round picks in next year's draft in an effort to make the playoffs. Everyone's pre-season favorite's fate seemed sealed when Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams both sustained late-season injuries. Hard to believe that just a few weeks ago, the only question was whether or not the Fatties would catch the Wombats for the division title!
Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Team Brokerage, on the other hand, I'm sure would love for the season to be 2-3 weeks longer, having won 4 straight behind Roethlisberger, Forte, Tomlinson, Cal Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Heath Miller, Ryan Longwell and Philly D. Brokerage got off to a slow start largely due to Forte's slow start - he had 5 points or fewer in 5 of the first 7 weeks in one of the most disappointing sophomore seasons in recent memory. Their trade of Revenge of the Sith Barber for Tomlinson could hardly have been timed better as Tomlinson scored 13 or higher in 4 of his 5 weeks with Brokerage, after totalling 29 in the first 7 weeks of the season.
Peter:..Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested.
Either Dale or T&K will get to play the Wombats. Not sure that's a good thing. Dale's Doormats get a good matchup for Rashad Mendenahll against Cleveland, but Addai plays at Denver so that's likely a wash. Tim & Kumar have Pierre Thomas, Wes Welker and Larry Fitzgerald with decent matchups. Should be enough to give them the edge.
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Red Bandits have a tough matchup against the Sprockets - Chris Johnson against St Louis, Santonio Holmes against Cleveland give the Sprockets an advantage. On the flip side, TO has KC, so VG there.
Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!
Fish In A Barrell looked like a lock for the Enchilada Bowl a few weeks ago, but recently they've been barely able to keep their heads above water. Rice, Wayne and Roddy White, along with Tony Gonzalez and Matt Schaub gives the Fish a tough lineup. Picking between Laurence Bony Maroney and Justin Tony Forsett could prove to be the make-or-break decision of the playoffs. Maroney has 96 points in his last 7 games, but put up a 4-spot this past week. Forsett has 67 in the last 4 weeks and the Seahawk play Tampa in week 15 while the Pats visit Buffalo. Who to play? Who to play???
Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
The Wombats traded most of their draft next season for a better chance to win this year. Are they capable of turning regular household stationairy into a season-saving contraption? They were seen doing cartwheels when Sean Payton said they would try for the perfect season - then had to watch them get a gift from the Redskins to keep it alive. Nevertheless, their trade for Brees, along with keeping MJD and lucking into not trading Cedric Benson will make them a tough out. Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates should be able to do enough, even as Norv coaches with his hands around his neck down the stretch of the season.
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