Watchdog Week 3 - Running Scared

One of the classic ‘80s comedies you probably never saw, don’t remember and/or maybe never even heard of.  It is truly one of my all-time favorites, all the more because that is what Natural Disaster is doing now, as the only 0-3 team in the league.  So let’s see what Mr. Hines and Mr. Crystal, along with Dan Hedaya, Joe Pantaliano and Jimmy Smits have to offer for week three of the PCFFL, shall we?  I knew that you would.

Danny Costanzo: Look, Snake. From here, the angle of trajectory - Oh, great. Look who I'm talking to. Mr. S.A.T.'s.

Billy Crystal (Danny) is explaining to Snake (Joe Pantaliano) how he, Danny, hit the car that was charging toward them and not his partner Ray.  Similarly, the Camel Jockeys were explaining to Semi-P how they beat them despite scoring a mere 61 points last week:  “Look, in the end, it’s about having more points than the other team.”  No need to apologize.  Chris Ivory’s injury held him to 5 yards rushing, and Matt Ryan managed just 21 points.  Edelman will no doubt be glad to see Mr. Gronk back in the lineup.  But CJ2.0 had 90 yards and the Jets’ D is looking, can I say it? Frisky? 

Ray Hughes: [Trying to pass himself off as Italian] Hey, I'm a paisan', huh? What did ya expect? What do you want me to do, want me to cook you up a pile of Ragù? You want me to sweat garlic for you? Huh? Sing an opera? Lose a war? Huh?

 The Hundering Turd put up 96 points, tied for third most among teams that actually won last week, led by Drew Brees and the Jones Brothers, no surprise, and early Rookie of the Year and surprise Italian Giovani Bernardo.  OK, I added the “o”.  But here he is.  Does he look ready to sing an opera?  Lose a war?  Lead a fantasy football team to the Enchilada Bowl?  OK, maybe one for three.

Danny Costanzo: [Having learned his ex-wife will marry a dentist] Do they play the same music at home that they play in the office?

Team Brokerage (yawn) put up a 3-point win against the Fatties, despite having Hakeem Nicks and Jermichael Finley both get shut out on Sunday.  Nicks (“I can’t throw it to myself”) was targeted once in a forgettable game by Eli “Pick Six”.  But McCoy and Forte continued their strong season, and alert pick-up Jason Snelling (111 yards from scrimmage and a TD) adds depth.  (Sour grape note – Team Brokerage bid $1 for Snelling, Natural Disaster had put in a $0 bid, thinking to steal him.  Ooops.)  They still don’t have a QB (Tannehil had a season high 2 TDs in the game) but could have the depth to deal for one now.  Wake me up when they do.

Ray Hughes: Listen, Snake, here's the situation: I have this gun here. Now I am going to take the gun out and I am going to shoot a lot of holes in the door. If you are standing if front of the door, what can I tell ya? Some of the holes are gonna be in you. Ya catching my drift, Snake?

Dale’s Doormats had the gun on one side of the door.  Natural Disaster was cowering on the other side, hoping to not get any new holes.  DeMarco Murray’s 25 didn’t help, but the real damage was done by the Bears D (two defensive TDs and 25 points) and Jordan Cameron (three TDs and 24 points) in a surprise offensive outburst by the Browns.  Yes, the Browns and “offense” were just used in the same sentence in a positive way!  For those of you thinking, “well that won’t happen again,” DD’s bench was the third highest-scoring team in the league and that includes the Wombats’ three-QB bench. 

Thug:  No habla ingles.

Danny Costanzo: [points his gun at the thug threatening Hughes] Hablo, Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a CORONER. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you.

 TBD continued getting mediocre point production from Tom Brady, though far fewer obscenities spilled on the sidelines this week, but had plenty of firepower from Jimmy Graham to take down I/T.  They alertly picked up Stephen Hill, who is emerging as a WR threat, but foolishly got a .38 up their nose when they already had their own .22 pointed at Billy Crystal when they spent big waiver bucks getting Eddie Royal, who had 5 TDs in the first three weeks and will finish the season with 7 (or less).  Check the back of his football card.  He’s not good.

Ray Hughes: [finds Gonzales hiding under a tarp] You're under arrest! You know the routine.

[Gonzales stays quiet]
Danny Costanzo: Very good. You have the right to remain silent. Now what else?
Ray Hughes: [punches Gonzales in the stomach] WHAT ELSE!
Danny Costanzo: [growls angrily] Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
Danny Costanzo: That's two, you're doing great. Now what's next?
Julio Gonzales: I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to me by the court.
Ray Hughes: Yeah! Yeah. Now do you understand these rights you just explained to us?
Julio Gonzales: Oh yeah.
Danny Costanzo: It is such a pleasure to deal with professionals. Refreshing.

OK, the picture doesn’t go with the quote again, but it is easily the best police lineup scene this side of the Usual Suspects.  In what is becoming almost a foregone conclusion, like Billy Crystal picking out Snake from the police lineup above, the Steel Trojans win again, getting double-digit production from six players, so despite getting only 16 from Bob Griffin Jr-Jr, they also totaled 96 on the week and moved to 3-0.  Who are these guys???

Danny:  Don’t you be careful out there.  Ray:  Hey, you neither.

There were at least two different ways Semi-P could have beaten the Camel Jockeys last week.  Neither of them involved gunfire, Aaron Hernandez or Eli Manning.  Now if we could just hook the three of those up, the Giants might…  But I digress.  Anyway, when Andre Johnson came up lame and Seattle D let in a garbage-time TD to the Jaguars, this one was over and Semi-P became one of the seven 1-2 teams in the league.

Danny Costanzo: [unable to arrest Snake] This block is being designated a Neighborhood Watch Area. There's a guy up here named Snake. He's wearing garage-sale clothes and the top of his head looks like a parakeet. He also has FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills in a briefcase. As his neighbors, it is your responsibility to make sure there are no suspicious characters or evil perpetrators lurking in the area who would seek to do him harm. Again, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills, tax free, in a briefcase right in this apartment. Which has a really cheeseball lock! You can bust your way in there, bop him on the head, take the money, nobody would know! So it's UP TO YOU. Thanks a lot, have a good day.

Well Natural Disaster has had better days.  Putting up 103 points and losing does kinda sting.  But hey, with an 0-3 record, they have some pretty good players (Russell Wilson, Calvin Johnson, Marshawn Lynch) – the equivalent of $50,000 in small unmarked bills.  So if they keep losing, just declare their team a Neighborhood Watch Zone, bust the door in and take what you want.  And really, their GM has really cheeseball locks on his office. 

Ray Hughes:  That’s terrible!  What is that?

Danny Costanzo:  Whaddya mean?  It says “born to squeal”!                  

The Fatties were once again a pre-season pick by this publication to play for the jackpot.  And once again, they’re off to a losing start (1-2).  One would think that this kind of torture would be inhumane, like giving someone a tattoo who didn’t want one, a tat that says “born to squeal” for instance.  But don’t worry, Fatties.  Like Billy Crystal, I didn’t use ink.  Ray Rice will be back this week, probably.  And Marshall and Jackson are due for big days.  And remember, when all else fails, put Natural Disaster on your schedule.  Oh, they’re next?  You’re welcome.

Ace:  Lemme guess:  you want it invisible, invulnerable, invincible right? 
Danny:  I want it Thursday at 9.

Ace:  It won’t be invulnerable until 5.

Team Pagano (Dunder Mifflin?) still looks invincible, or at least invulnerable.  Certainly not invisible with Payton Manning at the helm.  Right now, that seems to be enough to win most games right there.  He put up 15 more than Aaron Rodgers in a head-to-head matchup this week, setting a new 3-game record for TDs to start the season in the process.  With Eric Decker, AJ Green, Randall Cobb, Fragile Fred Jackson, Stephen Ridley and Cincy D, they will come and go like the wind, like a taxi cab/cop car in Chicago. 

 

Danny:  Be advised, we have left the interstate and are now on the El!

Pep & Cheez dropped to 1-2 also, despite a rather exciting chase, like this scene when they were chasing bad guy Jimmy Smits on the El, dodging oncoming El Trains, getting shot at and generally being one of the better chase scenes in a comedy ever.  But in the end, it was their pick of Willis McGahahahee over Ahmad Bradshaw or even Danny Thomas that put enough electricity to move a train through them.  Hard to justify the recently signed McGahee going to Cleveland (remember Cleveland?) over Bradshaw, even with or especially with the newly traded for Trent Richardson.  Anyway, the bad guys got away this time, but Bradshaw might become even more valuable now that he has a real #2 back to share the load.

Danny Costanzo: I mean retire--quit-be a regular person.

Ray Hughes: Regular people suck.
Danny Costanzo: Maybe, but they don't get shot.

It had to look like a good thing for Trent Richardson to get trade from the Browns to the Colts right?  I mean, from I/T's perspective, their #1 RB goes from a team that can't run the ball to a team that can both run and throw.  But what happens if Richardson just isn't that good?  Who was the last Nick Saban back to be a big-time player in the NFL?  I think the next one will be the first one.  Anyway, I/T started the year with a win, but now after putting up a massive number this week (I won't say how massive, but it's the same atomic number as silver, which has the symbol AG, which Coach Eickhorst was saying a lot on Sunday).  What's going on with Kaepernick?  That is the better question.  When your two leading scorers total 27, that's not good.  When they're both on the bench...

Ray:  What are we doing in Key West?

Danny:  It’s as far south as we could go without having to speak Spanish.

These are far from the coolest tie-die t-shirts you'll see, but they are memorable.  The Gumpsters had a game they'd just as soon forget.  What do you say about Team Gump in a week like this?  They lost.  Badly.  OK, you figured Luck would have a tough time against SF D and he did.  Moreno and the Firm didn't show up either.  The Thomas Brothers each got 9.  Even the 9ers D didn't show.  But like a scramble golf tournament, why waste a good shot?  They're still 2-1.  They still have Luck on their side.  And they still play Natural Disaster later this season. 

Danny:  I’d much rather get shot with that puny little .22 than with my .38.

The aforementioned Aaron Rodgers lost his aforementioned shoot-out with the aforementioned Payton Manning, putting up a mere 244 yards and 1 TD.  It was indeed like bringing a .22 to a gunfight when the other guy has a .38.  But starting Chris Givens, Jessica Simpson and 64-year old Tony Gonzalez?  That's like watching the guy with the .38 reach into his coat and pull out his .38 and point his .38 at you and demand that you drop your gun.  Not that that is what happened in the movie.  Most likely.

Watchdog Week Two - DEFCON 20!!!

If Week One was National Over-Reaction Week, Week Two must be time for outright panic, at least for some teams.  Now in week one, half the teams scored over 100.  In week two, only Pep & Cheez did, after putting up 62 in the first week.  There were six other teams in the 90s though.  Let's take a peak at who is breaking out the cyanide pills and who is sitting pretty after two weeks!

Defcon 10!  When Michael's ex-girlfriend Jan shows up wanting to get back together and having gone to great lengths to convince him to do so, he goes from Defcon 10 to Defcon 20.  Now first of all, you may or may not realize that the Defense Conditions run from 5, meaning "Nothing to see here, move along" to 1, meaning "Run for the hills!  Or you'll be up to your armpits in Martians!"  Does Michael Scott realize this?  Does Natural Disaster?  After a week one showing of just 55, they put up a lesser shade of horrible 88 this week, but remain a Jan-like (post-op) top-heavy team, getting 53 points from two guys this week.

From Chuck:  "We're at Defcon 1, or 5, or whichever means HURRY!" - I have to say, I've never seen this show, but the quote is perfect, so here it is.  The picture of course is the Illudium Q37 Explosive Space Modulator.  Which means that for the Camel Jockeys, it's time to run for the hills!  The Jockeys have put up exactly 83 in each of the first two weeks, and while that meant they were blown out in week one, they were relatively competitive this week.  Why is it time to go to Defcon 1 or 5 or whatever?  With no real stars (Matty Ice, CJ2.0, Vernon Davis, Pierre Garcon and Julian Edelman lead the team) and no real depth (Chris Ivory, Marcel Reese, Christine Michael, TY Hilton, Kenny Britt, Jermaine Kerley, Leonard Hankerson and Dallas Clark combined for 31) they're going to have to rely on Red Bandit levels of luck to be anything better than middle of the pack this season. With an 0-2 start, they are already looking at the wrong end of a disintegration pistol.
 
Liz: Listen up, jagweeds, it's go time. We are at Defcon Five here!
Toofer: The lowest level of defense preparedness? Fantastic.
TBD is also 0-2, but were one of the teams to score 90+ this week, coming up short when Tom Brady put up only 13 and their receivers combined for 9.  However, at least they know which end of the scale is up!  And with McFadden, Foster and Jimmy Graham, along with Brady, they figure to have better days ahead. 

For I in I/T, do you look at the 98 point effort in week one or the 60 point effort in week two?  Well, the Niners don't have to go back to Seattle during the regular season, so that should help calm things down a bit.  Roddy White figures to get health at some point this season, doesn't he?  And Trent Richardson got a "vote of confidence" from the brain trust that is the Cleveland Browns coaching staff.  On the other hand, the Delta House just unleashed their Deathmobile, there is panic in the streets, the Steelers D put up Zero points on national TV, David Akers showed his age, Jared Cook showed his Jared Cookiness, their other three RBs not named Rashard combined for 1 point, their back-up TE came up injured.  Sometimes it's hard to remain calm, right Coach Eickhorst?



"That's Right! It's goin' to the streets. Hey y'all! It's revolution up in this Bitch! Set the alarm for Defcon 5! It's on, baby... it's on!"

Pep & Cheez is ready to take it to the streets, with a 104-60 beatdown of I/T in week two.  In this case, I'm going to say Defcon 5 (or 1?) is a good thing - they're declaring war on the league!  Cam Newton did enough (22 points), Bradshaw looked healthy-ish, and every starter except Rams D scored at least 11.  Add in 290 yards and three TDs from Cutler and a possible break-out performance from Rookie DeAndre Hopkins (117 yards and TD) and they are ready to put aside the khaki pants and café lattes and grab the shotgun!  For one week anyway...




In Stephen King's book "Head Down" a boy finds a bathroom just as his bladder is "going to Defcon One!"  Similarly, the Hundering Turd had to be crossing their legs and searching desperately for that gas station after a week one 57-point effort.  But the relief that comes with having Drew Brees and the Jones brothers, along with the Italian Brother Giovani Bernard providing depth for MJD.  The bad news is that the Turd only plays Natural Disaster once.
 When you're a three-headed giant knight, you really don't have to dither around, particularly against the likes of the Brave Sir Robin.  The Wombats also turned around a tough week one with a solid 98 in week two, though their four-QB system still seems a bit over-done.  At least they have the right QB in, with Rodgers throwing for 480 yards and 4 TDs.  Seemed like he could have thrown for twice that if he wanted to against the vaunted Redskin D (speaking of "time to panic").  When you have one of the top 2 QBs in football, do you need the #6, the defending Super Bowl MVP and whatever Tony Romo is? 

Remember Adam West's Batman?  Every week, the villain would have him tied up and facing certain death.  Yet they'd get "monologing" or decide they were urgently needed in the next room and Batman would of course find exactly what he needed in his utility belt.  He never had to panic.  Always had everything under control.  Team Brokerage has everything you could want in an Enchilada contender - McCoy is the league's leading rusher, Forte looks awesome in the Bears new offense, Nicks is healthy, Wallace, Finley, Gostkowski.  What they don't have is a decent QB.  Call it a Homeless Man's Wombat strategery, but they have three crappy QBs instead of four good ones.  Josh Freeman threw for 125 yards and a score, Brandon Weeden threw for 233 and no scores and Ryan Tannehill is the "best of the bunch" which is indeed fainting with damn praise.  Can they fix the problem?  Can they get by with this three-headed monster?  Tune in next week!  Same Bat Time!  Same Bat Web Page!
 If there is one team that has had some good answers despite perhaps looking at a Fantasy Apocalypse, if you'll pardon the hyperbole, it is the Fatties.  In the space of just a few minutes, Eddie Lacy gets his bell rung, Ray Rice grabs his hip and Randy Bullock doinks a game-winning field goal off the upright.  OK, not exactly Biblical proportions, but perhaps a Family Guy Y2K proportions.  Brent Celek, who looked so good in week one, had no catches in week two.  But just like Peter Griffin with his quest for the Twinkie Factory, they have an answer for everything.  No Ray Rice?  We have Bernard Pierce.  Eddie Lacy gets KOed?  We put in the high bid for James Starks.  Raiders D doesn't face Jacksonville again?  No problem, we have Tampa Bay D.  See that?  Everything's going to be alright for the Fatties.  Just watch out for the Stewie-squids.

Pagano, or the Dundies if you prefer, have the Ultimate Answer.  They have Peyton.  You can say Steven Ridley fumbles too much or that Fragile Fred Jackson is their best RB, but in the end, when you have Manning, you have a chance.  Now if the Giants hadn't been so putrid, he might have had to work a little harder on Sunday and Pagano might have been able to run their record to 2-0.  But with Manning, Cobb, Green, Rudolph, Mason Crosby and Bengals D, they're going to be able to rely on that answer to Life the Universe and Everything when it comes down to it.  The problem may be that they never fully understood what the question was.

Semi-P is a team that could, for once, stand to show a little alacrity.  It appears that Adrian Peterson is truly mortal, particularly on that awful Vikings offense.  And while they have Eli "Pick Six" Manning, Jordy "Admiral" Nelson, Andre "the Giant Johnson" Johnson, Seattle D and even got a frisky performance from Sam Bradford, David Wilson is clearly a concern, and Isaac Redman and Bryce Brown provide no relief.  This is no time to sit here and suck your thumb and hold your security blanket, Adrian Peterson.  Eventually that blanket is going to get old and ratty and have to be thrown out.  That said, they stand 1 point behind in the Wilt Chamberlain Scoring race.  Eventually, one would think, Gronk will show up again this year.  Do you really need two RBs in this league?










"No more Saul, now I'm Paul" - TobyMac.  Changing your name (unless you're MuchoStinko) is usually the sign of rebirth, new life.  Like the Apostle Paul becoming a new man, ending his persecution of Christians and becoming the driving force behind the church, the Steel Trojans have put their old sinful ways behind them and are ready to become the driving force in the league.  They are one of three teams at 2-0, on the strength of Bob Griffin Jr-Jr and their Tight Ends.  Why are they third on the countdown?  Reggie Bush came up limping, Reggie Wayne got just 4 points and last week's hero Anquan Boldin managed just 7 yards receiving in Seattle.  So how are they 2-0?  Was it trading for all those extra draft picks?  Or was it the name change? 
"Who's on first?  That's what I'm trying to find out."  - Raymond Babbit.  There is no team that lulls its opponents into a sense of security like Team Gump.  From "taken" to drafting guys like "Ben Green" (the Law Firm) and "Marino" (Knowshon Mareno), they put off this vibe that they have only recently started playing fantasy football.  But remember, they have made the playoffs over half the time and have an Enchilada trophy on their shelf, figuratively speaking.  And now they sit at 2-0 and have a deep lineup, with the Thomas brothers out in Denver, the aforementioned RB tandem, a little Luck, Alex Smith, and depth at every position.  What out for these guys when they hit the blackjack table.


If there is one world leader who cannot be touched today, it's gotta be this guy right?  Peace in Syria, re-elected in a landslide and look at those guns!  His approval rating in Russia must be off the charts! (Do they have opinion polls in Russia?)  Is it ironic that Syria is turning its weapons (back) over to this guy?  Now who's he going to sell them to?  And though their lead is just a single point, the highest approval rating in the league through two weeks is Dale's Doormats.  With Vick, Doug Martin, DeMarco Murray, Victor Cruz, Colston, James Cameron, Matt Prater and both Packers and Bears D, along with Lamar Miller and Montee Ball, they have the security of the Rock.  If any team has a definite edge on the Enchilada after just two weeks, it is Dale's Doormats.  Tavon Austin, Antonio Brown, Tyler Eifert, it seems like they have extra spots on their roster, that's how deep they are.  If they don't get you with their tanks, planes or missiles, they'll get you with a searing Op-Ed in the Times. 

Watchdog Week One - Time to Play "Jump To Conclusions"! 

It is hard to believe, but the Watchdog has never yet given tribute to one of the best comedies of the last 15 years.  When the guy on the walker passed Peter Gibbons (below) in the opening credits, you knew the next 100 minutes or so would be pretty memorable.  So what does this have to do with Fantasy Football?  You just have to remember Tom Smykowski's "million dollar idea" - the next Pet Rock" - yep, the "Jump to Conclusions" game! 

Tom Smykowski: It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. Michael Bolton: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom. Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.

 

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life. Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

So for instance, we know Peyton Manning will throw for 112 TD this year.  OK, maybe not, but with Welker, Decker, the Thomas brothers, no discernible running game and a mediocre defense, the TD record does look like it might be reachable, particularly with 6 games in that horrid division.  This would seem to spell good news for the Paganos (aka Dunder Mifflin), who nearly had enough with just Peyton to beat the mighty Pep & Cheez.  Throw in Cobb and Green and even a TD from Ryan Matthews and we have our top scorer for week one and obviously our front-runner for the Whole Enchilada Championship. 

 

Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.

 

Seven of the 14 teams scored 98 points or more, despite there being only 3 players with 100 yards rushing in week one.  One was LeSean McCoy, who only needed 200 more to help Brokerage edge Team Gump, one was Shane Vereen, who helped the aforementioned Pep & Cheez bench put up a massive 51 points against the aforementioned Paganos.  And the other was Tyrell Pryor, making his second career start for Da Raidahs.  So we know teams will more and more be emphasizing the passing game right?  I mean Adrian Peterson had 78 yards and a TD on his first carry of the season for Semi-P, but only 15 yards on the rest of his 17 carries.  And as good as Semi-P played this weekend, with David Wilson holding onto the ball like it was a greased watermelon and Eli "Pick Six" Manning, you have to wonder if all that is repeatable.  And how many 8 and 9-man boxes will Peterson face this season?  I have a bad feeling he's going to end up the season like old Tom here.  Or am I jumping to conclusions again?

Peter Gibbons: When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'?
Lawrence: [long pause] No.... No, man...Shit, no man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying somethin like that, man.
If there's a team with a case of the Mondays, it's probably coached by an Ingrey.  With the Turd edging out the Disasters by two points, we'll give this quote to ND.  When your draft strategy is to get three stars and those stars combine for 25 points in week one, you have to reconsider your chances this season.  Watching Calvin Johnson get another TD called back for "not having control of the ball" in the end zone or some such nonsense, after having been tackled 6 times on the 1 yard line last season, you have to start re-examining why you play this silly game. 

Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately. Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
The scene when Peter gives himself a window office while "Damn It's Good to Be a Gangsta" is playing doesn't have any dialogue, but the spirit is applicable only to Fred "Gangsta" Bennett and Team Gump.  No other team makes more out of less year after year.  When you go from "who the heck is Julius Thomas?" to "How the heck did he know?!?!" in one game (and does JT look like the next Antonio Gates or what?), along with having Luck, "Ben Green" - they had Larry Fitzgerald and Jason Witten on the bench this week!  The lack of Running Back might come back to hurt them, but with the passing game working on all cylinders, it might never matter.

Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
The Steel Trojans may have been jumping to conclusions after Bob Griffin 3 put up a massive 2 points in the first half last night, but he followed it up with a 25-point second half and all was right with the world.  As the Sprockets, they've mumbled about staplers and moving their desk and not getting any cake for years.  But last year, they stockpiled draft picks (despite mumbling about getting the 14th pick this year) and then made the dramatic move to dump the Sprockets nickname and now they put up 114 with their starters and 99 more with their bench.  With Reggie the Vacator, Steven Jackson, Anquan Boldin, Brian Hartline, Wes Welker, Reggie "Stately" Wayne, Sproles, Joquie Bell and even DeAngelo Williams, is this the year they finally take a torch to this league?  How good would they be if they'd opted for Calvin Johnson instead of Atlanta Kickers? 

Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing? Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
Dale's Doormats didn't call in sick to the draft, didn't spend more than $27 on any player and somehow ended up with a pretty good catch.  They even wrapped up that catch in TPS reports which may or may not have lambasted their lack-luster draft, citing Lamar Miller's lack of production, Montee Ball's position way down the Denver depth chart, Antonio Brown's position on a putrid Steelers team.  But Mike "Ron Mexico" Vick, Doug Martin and DeMarco Murray along with Victor Cruz and Marques Colston give Coach Dale more than enough to say "I got your TPS report right here!"

Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music. Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
The Turd was (were) a popular pick for the Enchilada with Brees, Spiller, Jones-Drew, Jones, Jones and Fleener.  They even avoided Jacoby Jones, who could not avoid Brynden Trawick, the rookie punt cover guy who plowed into him.  But James Jones somehow avoided getting any of Aaron Rodgers' 333 yards passing and 3 TDs and Coby Fleener avoided all but one of Andrew Luck's passes.  With Blaine Gabbart at QB, it seems likely MJD will face a lot of the same defensive fronts as Adrian Peterson.  Which could, in turn, lead the Turd to re-enact this scene with his computer at some point this season. 

Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please?  I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt. No salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.[under his breath as he walks away]Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.Milton Waddams: I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I...I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put...I could put...strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.

If there is one team that could end up sitting on the beach sipping mai tais, er, pina coladas - er, um, margaritas, with or without strychnine, it is the Fatties.  With Matthew "5000" Stafford, Ray Rice, Eddie Lacy, Brandon Marshall, Vincent Jackson, DeSean Jackson, Brent Celek, and even a nice debut from EJ Manuel, plus alertly backing up Rice with Bernard Pierce, they'll either win the whole thing or... or... or they won't be leaving a tip, that's for sure. 

Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon? Peter Gibbons: No. Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm? Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes. Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them. Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.
Speaking of coming back another time, it looks like the Camel Jockeys are one of (the only?) team who made a line-up error that cost them the week one game, starting TY Hilton over Julian Edelman.  The 17-point swing would have been enough for them to tell I/T to pound sand.  Instead, they have a meeting with the Bobs.  Not to worry though, with Matty Ice, CJ2.0, Vernon Davis and the under-rated Jets D, I have a feeling the Jockeys have upper management written all over them.

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Bob Slydell: Great. Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

There Is An I in I/T made a draft-day trade to pick up a decent QB in Kaepernick, kept Richardson, drafted White, Bryant and Mendenhall.  But the place where the rest of the league really spaced out was in missing on drafting Jared Cook.  For years we've been hearing about what a great talent Cook was.  But in four seasons for the Titans, he totaled 8 TDs and 1858 yards.  He's on a pace to surpass those numbers by week 4 this season.  There are teams in this league who would have been happy with the 58 points I/T's bench put up this week. 

You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great.
The one team this week who really got Lumberged was Team Brokerage - the only team to put up more than 83 points (they got 94) and still lose.  With LeSean McCoy, Forte, Nicks, Finley, and Gostkowski, they have plenty of ammo and may be the only team in the league with two legit #1 RBs.  But they have zero legit QBs and barring a trade or a miracle, they're going to see the Enchilada going to another team once again, just like Jennifer Anniston making it with the wrong Lumberg.  Yeah, that's great. 

Bill Lumbergh: Hi, Milton. What's happening? Um, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and move your desk again. So, if you could go ahead and get it to as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great.  Milton Waddams: No, no, because I was, I was told...Bill Lumbergh: That way, we'll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put  in here.Milton Waddams: No..no...[Lumbergh sees the Swingline stapler on Milton's desk]
Bill Lumbergh: And uh...oh, there it is.Milton Waddams: What?
Bill Lumbergh: Here, let me just go ahead and get that from ya. Great. So if you could just get to that as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Okay? Have a nice lunch, Milton. Bye.[he walks off]
Milton Waddams: [to himself] Okay. I'll set the building on fire.

The Walla Walla Wombats may have horded QBs and Kickers like they were Swingline Staplers, but they have four pretty good performers to try to trade for a WR.  It may have made them feel like burning down the building when Danny Amendola (one of their two WRs on the roster) was grabbing his groin in pain, but with two pretty good RBs (can't put Daryl Richardson better than that yet), Tony Gonzalez, Frank Gore and the lurking Ben Tate, the Wombats do have a dangerous look about them.  Like they just might...

Samir: No one in this country can pronounce my name right. I mean it's not that hard. I mean, 'Ni-i-na-najaad', Niinanajaad. Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton. Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.  Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning grammys.  Samir: Well, if it bothers you that much, why don't you just go by Mike; instead of Michael?  Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
TBD, defending league champions, sort of, are, in a way, the Michael Bolton of the league.  You could call them (the Red Bandits) no-talent ass clowns who started winning grammys (or Enchiladas).  But nonetheless and neverthemore, new ownership is in place and while the results might not end in grammys, the talent level is definitely a step up from the roster than somehow fell bass-ackwards into a championship last season.  Tom Brady, Arian Foster, Steve Smith, Jimmy Graham and even the Prior-mentioned Tyrell Aforementioned.  Once Le'Veon Bell is ready to go and these guys figure out what their nickname is going to be, look out! 


Stan: We need to talk about your flair.
Joanna: Really? I...I have fifteen pieces on. I, uh...
[she shows him her flair buttons]
Stan: Well, okay. Fifteen is the minimum, okay?
Joanna: Okay.
Stan: Now, you know it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Or uh...well, like Brian, for example, has thirty seven pieces of flair, okay. And a terrific smile.
Joanna: Okay. So you...you want me to wear more?

The one team that's going to want some more flair from their lineup is Pep & Cheez (if it's not the Turd or Natural Disaster).  OK, the three teams that want more flair.  Let me start over.  Pep & Cheez may want some more flair from their lineup, rather than the minimum 62 points of flair.  When one of your two best performers (the aforementioned Shane "don't call me Ben" Vereen) breaks his hand and will miss the next month, "Overhead" Cam Newton's offensive coordinator admits after the game that he screwed the pooch and three other guys (Jonathan Stewart, Brandon LaFell and Toby Gerhart) get a whole lotta nuttin, you start saying things like "wow, Roy Helu really showed me something this week."  And "Maybe Ahmad Bradshaw's feet aren't so bad this year!"  Or "Hey Jay Cutler!" 

So which team will win it all?  Semi-P has the horses if David Wilson comes around and if Gronk and Peterson can stay healthy for 16 games (or the right 13 games).  Steel Trojans have everything except a backup TE, Kicker and D.  Fatties might be a little thin at RB, but if Eddie Lacy proves worthy of the #1 pick in the draft, they'll be there in the end.  The Turd, despite dropping one in the punchbowl this week, have everything but a TE.  Watch out for Team Gump and the Paganos, who are both vying to be first team to win without any discernible help at RB.  Dale's Doormats have an excellent starting eight, but need Montee Ball to step up for when DeMarco Murray gets hurt.  And IT looks as deep as anyone.  If it's not one of these teams hoisting the trophy at the end of the year, it'll be a major upset.  I say here and now that there will be much honking of horns and slamming of car doors in Dale's Doormats' hometown this December.  If you don't like that conclusion, you either need to Accept It, Go Wild, or Jump Again.