Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal?
I know I must have done a Fletch theme in the past, but seriously, how this movie got left off the Top 100 by the AFI, I will never know. In any case, with the mighty Sprockets falling to 0-7, it's time to pay tribute to one of the most spectacularly unlucky franchises in fantasy football today.
Fletch: No, not since breakfast.
The Sprockets are currently 6th in the league in scoring, but are 5 games out of a playoff spot with 7 to play. This week they lose by just 2 points to the Camel Jockeys, who got 3 points last night from Brandon Pettigrew. The Sprockets got -2 yards from LaGarrett Blount when either Jonathan Stewart or Kendall Hunter would have given them the win. Last week, they got zero from Scott Chandler when Aaron Hernandez would have given them the win. Four times this year, their opponent has scored 105 points or more against them. It is true that Heath Fisher's job as defensive coordinator is in jeopardy, though he has been given the dreaded "vote of confidence."
Fletch: Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
Meanwhile, the Camel Jockeys move to 3-4 on the season, despite having scored 63 points less than the Sprockets on the season. How the Redskins let Victor Cruz get behind the defense on what was essentially the last play of the game for the Giants, I will never know (but will be eternally grateful). It's one of those things, like having a beautiful woman show up at the door wearing only a towel, that never seem to happen in real life.
Questions persist as to whether the Wombats are currently living however, having dropped their third straight game. Despite getting a revenge game from Chris CJ2.0 Johnson (104 yards on his first 4 carries, more points in this game than his previous 4 games combined), Coach Sharp inexplicably made no move to replace either Alex Henery or Matt Bryant, both his kickers being on a bye this week. There were 6 free agent kickers who had more than the 8 points the Wombats needed for victory. Even with that, they had Calvin Johson, Megatron, going last night, needing just 11 to tie. Megatron's average receiving yards on the season going into last night was 111. In the bag right? A key drop on the first series of the game and a key pass interference in the end zone killed his chances and the Bats fall to 2-5.
Detective #2: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.
Fletch: I'll waive my rights.
At about 2:30PM, Natural Disaster looked like they were going to be doing some serious ball-stomping on the Wombats. Drew Brees had 313 yards and 4 TDs at halftime against the Bucs, but managed just 64 yards passing in the second half. And Jim Harbaugh's decision to decline an end zone penalty and take a safety did not come back to haunt the Disasters.
How would undefeated Semi-P survive Matt Ryan's bye week? How does putting up 104 points and getting high points for the week (only team with 2 of those) grab you? I/T was the defenseless baby in question. Only Larry Fitzgerald again failed to show, the third time in 7 games he's been held to 6 points or less.
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.
[leans arm on hot engine part]
Fletch: Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
For I/T, it's all so simple! Just get some 3-in-1 oil and get Trent Richardson to get off his rear. Richardson looked like a potential stud a couple weeks ago, putting up 4 straight double-digit games. He's followed that with 4 points against 25th ranked run defense Cincinnati and 1 point (8 yards on 8 carries) against 26th-ranked run defense Indy. Surviving Peyton's bye week? Not so much. You should see I/T's shoes!
Fletch: Comanche Indian.
It's a funny game - Mike Williams had 11 or more in 3 of the last 4 games, his QB threw for 420 yards, and he got 36 of them. Still, Dale's Doormats have Bob Griffin, Doug Martin and Arian Foster who by themselves would have been enough to scalp the Fatties this week. If they ever do anything about getting a tight end, this #2 scoring team in the league could be dangerous! Maybe even to someone other than themselves!
Fletch: No, that's "Babar".
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?
Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
The Fatties have plenty of Bs - just not right in a row - Brady, Ben-Jarvus, Brandon Marshall, Brandon Myers and Da Bears starting and Ben Tate, and Brian Hartline on the bench. But Brady has been bad lately - I know I've written this in the past, but this time it's true. Outside of one half against Buffalo, he's averaged just 21.2 points per game on the season, which would put him as the 14th best QB in fantasy football right now. With Jones-Drew going down, having Rashard Jennings should prevent a run on bids on Jags' back-ups, so nice job with the hand-cuff back. And while the Fatties are 5-2 and in second place in the Quakes division, they are only 8th in the league in total scoring, thus earning a first-half grade of B (OK BB).
The Red Bandits might be looking to shoot whoever scheduled the bye-weeks in the NFL this year, having to negotiate the week without the services of LeSean McCoy, Reggie Bush, Peyton Hillis and Julio Jones in the same week. They alertly picked up the Polish Prince (Janikowski) and thus were able to shoot down the defending champion Team Gumpsters. Disappointing effort by Eli against the worst pass defense in the league, but it was saved on the aforementioned strike to Cruz.
Alan Stanwyk: Who?
Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.
Speaking weird, what do we do with a Gump team that is 13th in the league in scoring, but 3-4 on the season? With Bradshaw healthy, Kerley (not to mention Larry and Moe), Roddy White and Michael Turner, can they survive with Cam Newton and Andrew Luck at QB?
Fletch: Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.
Brokerage improves to 5-2 with a thorough pasting (77-72) of Pep & Cheez. Josh Freeman's 420 yards and 3 TDs bode well as this is his second straight week with 30+. Not sure, but he might be using the whole fist. With the alert pickup of LaRod Stephens-Howling, Brokerage continues to be the rectal exam in the Turd's season.
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.
Pep & Cheez, meanwhile had another one of those dominating team performances but mediocre fantasy scoring from Matt Schaub. When your team is up by 30, there just doesn't seem to be much urgency to pass. Combine that with a late scratch for Jimmie Graham and a no-show by Dez Bryant, and Pep & Cheez falls one game out of the playoffs. Their alert pickup of Jonathan Dwyer could help down the road, but carrying three Pittsburgh RBs has to be some kind of record (though probably not the White Album).
The Dundies fall to 1-6 on the season, but unlike the Sprockets, have done more to earn their record. When Steven Gostkowski is your second-best player, you know things have not gone well for your team. Sorry to pull rank you here, but Wes Welker, Andre Johnson, you're not doing enough to carry this team. Matthew Stafford? I'm going to have to take you downtown. Vernon Davis - no catches? This was not your bye week Vernon. If you look at this list of names, this team should not be 1-6. I commend the Dundies on their (draft) choices, but this team looks to be Toilet Bowl-bound.
And at last we come to the Hundering Turd, 6-1 on the season now, with Nicks rounding into form, Forte looking healthy and 10 points out of the Red Rifle (Dalton), are (is?) the Turd ready to run off on vacation and charge it to the rest of the league? The battle for family pride this week looms large - will Drew Brees come back to haunt his old fantasy team? Or will Vincent Jackson actually run at full speed this week and not get caught from 10 yards behind again? Tune in next week to find out!
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