'Course, what the Watchdog gives lasts a lifetime; what you give lasts 16 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of fantasy football - now who can forget Hakeem Nicks for Drew Brees, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church ** *******(edited out for accuracy).
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche.
I'm not saying Semi-P is "meat". So far, it does look like they have a Porsche with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt and everything. I am saying they could stand to learn to throw a breaking ball. I am pointing out that they have had by far the fewest points scored against them in the league, 48 fewer than the Fatties who are in at #13 and 252 points fewer than the Dundies (who just took over the #1 spot from the Sprockets) - that's 28 points per game. They snuck past the Gumpsters this week by 4 and that was their first win by fewer than 10 points since week 2. I'd be more excited about this team if they had a second RB (David Wilson started this week and did not touch the ball on offense) and/or if they had a WR who had a QB that could start in a flag football league (Fitzgerald, Austin and Sidney Rice). They got Matty Ice and Adrian Peterson and so far that's been enough.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I held it like an egg.
Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the f***ing bull! Guy gets a free steak!
Dunder Mifflin and the Sprockets can be mathematically eliminated from contention for an Echilada spot with one more loss or a win by Team Brokerage. They will get a free steak though, and of course, we thank them for playing!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash Davis: He did know.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How?
Crash Davis: I told him.
The highest scoring team in the league through 9 weeks is Dale's Doormats, who put up a mere 131 this week. Doug Martin, the diminutive one from Boise State, put up over 1/3 of his points in the season in one game. And even though you knew he was getting the ball, the Raiders didn't seem to be able to catch up to his fastball.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.
As seems to always happen, there were just three teams to score over 100 points and two of them played each other. In this case the undeserving loser was Team Brokerage. As Nuke LaLoosh said though, sometime you win... Question is, whether we've seen the last of Michael Vick as a fantasy starter. A fourth straight strong performance by Josh Freeman makes it in doubt as much as whether or not the Eagles continue to run him out there.
Joe Reardon: He walked 18.
Larry: New league record!
Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.
Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice... Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious s***.
It's a little vague in the course of the movie, but it appears that Nuke won his first professional start that is being described above. The Camel Jockeys were not quite as fortunate, with McFadden going down after just 17 yards rushing. While Natural Disaster was cheering McFadden's annual trip to the injury list, their own Raider RB went down with the exact same injury. So much for shadenfreude!
Annie Savoy: The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness.
The Turd continues to roll on, blissfully unaware that Jay Cutler is a better fantasy QB than Andy Dalton and nearly untouched in the loss column. With Spiller healthy and no obvious holes, the Turd is just trying to play 'em one day at a time. Good Lord willing, things will work out.
Crash Davis: You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club.
Team Gump earns this quote by default as I think the only team that left winning points on the bench this week, starting Ahmad Bradshaw over Felix Jones. Can't say it's terribly a propos, but it is one of my favorite quotes from this or any movie and therefore had to be in here. Anyway the Gumpsters are 2 behind Brokerage with 4 to play, through they've scored 113 fewer points on the season. Things look bleak for the defending champs, but as Forrest will tell you, he's not a pretty face.
Poor Pep & Cheez made their beds with Pittsburgh RBs this season and are carrying three of them currently. Fortunately as a group, they have been worth it, much like Nuke may have found for his reason for wearing women's underwear when he pitched. As a group, they're averaging 10.7 ppg. Clearly this is a team that knows where the rose goes.
Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
Crash Davis: Goodnight.
Annie Savoy: Oh my. Crash...
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?
I have long thought it was ironic that in one of Costner's best speeches in his career, he opines that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and just three years later made a gazillion dollars showing conclusively that there was a second spitter, there on the gravelly hill (Roger McDowell!).
Larry: Lollygaggers!
Skip: Lollygaggers.
Do you see Eli in the back there? He's lollygagging his way in and out of the huddle. Lollygagging his way through three quarters of the game, relying on his "fourth quarter magic" to pull out the victory? Do you know what that makes him, Red Bandits? 5 points for "Can't spell Elite" this week, and a total of 44 in the last 4 weeks. Yikes. (Makes him due for a breakout this week when his team plays Natural Disaster.)
Crash Davis: I wouldn't dig in if I was you. Next one might be at your head. I don't know where it's gonna go. Swear to God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euHfP6X_axY
I tried to find a picture of the bull getting whacked but it's funnier on video. Anyway, the Fatties put 105 points with Tom Brady tied behind their backs. It was just enough to edge out the Sprockets (and cover the 32.5 point spread). Next week's opponent better not get to comfortable in there (that's you, Dundies)!
Crash Davis: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present. Is that about right? We're dealing with a lot of s***.
Larry: Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two!
For I in I/T, they had to deal with some serious s*** this past week, trying to get through Sandy. They did get a late lineup change in time to put in Baltimore K and TB D though the league hasn't registered it yet. Didn't affect the outcome of the game, fortunately. Check out these last 5 games by Peyton Manning: 31, 31, 30, 30 and 29. Not sure if that's a new league record, but I've never seen a standard deviation so low! After a huge win against the Red Bandints, I/T is just one game behind a playoff spot with 4 to play.
This one goes to both the Wombats and the Watchdog. Chris Johnson ran for 90 or more yards just 4 times last season has now done it 5 of the last six weeks and his next TD will tie last year's total. So if the song the 'Dog was singing was that CJ2.0 was getting a little wooly, it may be that the lyrics weren't quite right. And while all that is fine and good, the Wombats are still two games out with four to play, and chasing four teams ahead of them in the standings for that last playoff spot in the Quakes Division. Can Megatron and a revived (???) CJ2K lead the way for the Wombats? Or is this team angling for the Toilet Bowl championship?
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