Watchdog Week 5 - Creepy and Kooky

The torture of fantasy football!  Last week, the average score of the league was 91.5, this week it was just under 82.  And with Halloween a mere three weeks away, and the whole torture theme, it seemed appropriate to give a nod to one of my favorite movies of days gone by, the Addams Family (yes, the movie is 20 years old and is officially an "oldie").  By the way, since when did Halloween get a "season"?  It's not even a real holiday!  It is similar to saying that we're celebrating the season of Christmas Eve.  But I digress...

 

Morticia: Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.

Dale's Doormats are now fourth in the league in points scored and 1-4 on the season.  And yes, they had just enough points on the bench to have tied for high points for the week, with San Francisco QBs coming up with 44 points, which is by 5 the highest point total of any player for any week this season.  With Alex Green suddenly thrust into the starting RB role in Green Bay, the future looks bright for Dale's Doormats.

 

Gomez: [to his family] They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with God as my witness, I am that fool!

Coach Ken of the Hundering Turd was quoted earlier this week as saying "I may have just made the most lopsided trade in the history of fantasy football."  Yes, giving up Drew Brees and Marques Colston certainly seems like an epic blunder from where we stand today.  I will say here that the Turd had it in them to move to 5-0 this week, had they started Jay Cutler and Owen Daniels and/or found a second WR in place of Lance Moore who was inactive going into the game this week.  Given that they have a good young QB in Andy Dalton, and that Colston had averaged 4 points per game over the first quarter of the season, was getting Cutler, Michael Bush and Nicks enough?  It may depend on the health of Matt Forte and Nicks going forward.  Or you can just answer now - yeah, probably not.

Morticia: And our credo: "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc." We gladly feast on those who would subdue us. Not just pretty words.

Semi-P seems to be taking these pretty words to heart, moving to 5-0 and opening a comfortable lead in the Wilt Scoring race.  A quiet day for Matty Ice with a mere 345 yards passing and 2 TDs, it was the Panthers D and Frank Gore who feasted this week.  A very quiet 95 points overall, Gronk got only 3, Miles Austin had the week off, and Adrian Peterson had his fourth straight week of not reaching the end zone.  I'm sure Coach King is waiting to use Peterson at the goal line until it's absolutely necessary.  Did SP get a break with Andre the Giant getting concussed and David Wilson finally hanging onto the football?  The Fatties are this week's main course.

Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

The Sprockets continue to try to make Girl Scout Cookies when life hands them Girl Scouts, astutely trading Megatron for Marshawn Lynch from the Wombats.  It did not result in a win this week, as Jonathan Stewart, Mike Wallace and Scott Chandler combined for 7 points, but for the second straight week, Aaron Rodgers was over 30 points, and with Wallace and Anquan Boldin! at WR, they seem to be deep enough there to withstand the loss of Megatron.  Will it result in a playoff run?  They are just 3 games out of a playoff spot with 8 weeks yet to play.

Pugsley: Are they dead?
Wednesday: Does it matter?

 The Camel Jockeys fell to 1-4 this week despite an inspired effort by Philip Rivers and Victor Cruz, who together had 69% of the Jox points for the week.  The Thomas brothers (Pierre and Daniel) finally showed up, as a sign that the Jox may not be dead yet, and might indeed feel like getting up and walking around, but that's a different movie entirely. 

 

Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So we can play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: It's called, "Is There a God?"

There is a rumor going around that the Wombats' Coach Sharp heard that the Turd had just offered "the worst trade in the history of fantasy football" and said "not so fast!"  On paper, a trade of Marshawn Lynch for Calvin Johnson makes a ton of sense.  Megatron is the reigning points leader among non-QBs and Lynch is a very good back.  However, when looking at the Wombats' roster, they have four WR who scored 8 points or more this week, including Reggie Wayne's 27 and James Jones' 16 (just acquired on waivers, and alertly so given Jennings' injury).  Meanwhile at RB, they have Alfred "What Me Worry" Morris and Chris "CJ2.0" Johnson at RB and little else.  Now CJ2.0 was coming off a 141 yard effort, so there was reason for optimism.  However, that is a level he'd reached only twice since week 1 of 2010.  And in his last 20 games, he's scored a total of 4 TDs.  I would think this trade falls under the category of "high risk".  Right Puglsey?

 

Gomez: [about Morticia] I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.

Now, I'm not trying to say Peyton Manning throws like a girl, but I think I/T has to be a little concerned at the wobbly passes coming out of his hand.  Either way, when he passes for his third straight 300+ yard game, what bliss!  All the moreso with I/T moving into a tie for third in the mediocre Quakes Division (at a sterling 2 wins and 3 losses).  A team with just 18 points on the bench and no other reliable scorers this side of Shayne Graham, they truly will live and die with Peyton.  Fortunately, with a D as bad as Denver sports, there figures to be more than a few shoot-outs, so even if he's bringing a pea-shooter instead of a cannon, it's still a pretty accurate pea-shooter.  At least that's what Coach Eichhorst is telling himself, right Dennis?

Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone before?

Wednesday: He's only a child.

Uncle Fester: That's no excuse!

Natural Disaster did indeed slaughter someone this week, earning high points for the second time in the last four years.  Like Pugsley, it seemed a bit shaky, going into Sunday Night's game with just 40, and being ever-so-grateful that Dale left Alex Smith on the bench.  Further, like anyone ununsed to success, it will be hard for them to repeat, given that the Saints are off this week, but with Ray Rice, a healthy Fred Jackson, Brandon Lloyd, Marques Colston and "Legatron" Greg Zuerlein, there's a chance they'll grow to love the taste of blood. 

Dr. Pinderschloss: Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand. The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.
Grandmama: Even with a chainsaw.

Someone certainly seems out to stop the Fatties, as Ryan Williams goes down for the season and their four-headed RB duo of Jones-Drew and Green-Ellis combine for 6 points, leading MJD to talk about the frustration of playing for a team as bad as that for so long.  Was he referring to the Jags or the Fatties?  We may never know.  Nevertheless, as long as the Bears D continues to be the highest scoring non-QB in fantasy football (yes, you read that right - Arian Foster has 91, Chicago D has 94), the Fatties will be hard to kill.  Even with a chainsaw. 

Dr. Pinderschloss: Love/hate, hate/love. Like for mama, no?
Gomez: But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident!

The Red Bandits hold a narrow lead in the Canes Division at 4-1.  While Coach Marcin is a Cowboys fan, having to root for Eli may have him contemplating having Eli meet an accident at some point, but not until after week 16, I would think.  Not to mention having to root for LeSean McCoy.  At least he does not have to deal with the agony of having to root for Tony Romo this year.

Wednesday (putting an apple in Pugsley's mouth):  Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.

Pep & Cheez were right in the middle of the pack of mediocrudity coming into the week, but by putting the apple in the mouth of Pugsley, so to speak with a 58-point effort, it does call into question whether they indeed know what they're doing.  Sometimes having a QB on a team with too good a defense can be a detriment, especially if that QB has a history of injuries, right Matt Schaub?  The good news is that P&C had a Rashad Mendenhall sighting in week 5.  And Jimmy Graham doesn't figure to have too many more 4-yard efforts. 

Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Well, Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpurnia Addams.
Morticia: Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They said she danced naked in the town square and enslaved the minister.
Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Really?
Morticia: Oh, yes. But don't worry. We've told Wednesday college first.

There are 10 teams who have scored between 406 and 451 points.  Just about right in the middle of that we find Dunder Mifflin, with 427 points scored.  And while it may seem like they're on a wrong career track, with just a 1-4 record, they have weathered their starting QB's bye week already (Matthew "if he's healthy" Stafford) and had four bench players pitch in 14 points or more this week.  And just like Calpurnia had to endure people's little suspicions of her witchcraft, the Dundies will have to endure losing Cedric Benson for the year.  Forunately, they have - er, well no one actually on the bench who can play running back.  Hmmm...  is there a fantasy football college somewhere that the Dundies could go to learn about the importance of back-up RBs? 

Margaret: You are too precious for words, why I could just... eat you alive!
Morticia: Oh no, Margaret! Too young!

Team Gump has taken a bit of flak in this space for their preponderance of rookies and young players. But at 3-2 now, having won two straight, and having witnessed Andrew Luck's stirring 27-point second half comeback against the Packers, with the resurgence of Ahmad Bradshaw, Michael Turner and the continued dominance of Baltimore D, the defending champion Gumpsters do indeed seem to know what they're doing, draft day aside.

 Dr. Pindershloss:  What are you, darling?  Where's your costume?
Wednesday:  I'm a homicidal maniac.  They look just like everyone else.

Team Brokerage does seem to look just like everyone else - although they do actually sport a winning record (3-2), they have 426 points, again right in the middle of the middle pack of mediocre teams.  With Mike Vick turning the ball over left and right (except against the Giants) and having to play two Charger RBs to avoid playing DeAngelo Williams (who apparently wouldn't have played himself either), they indeed look just like everyone else.  Or do they have that murderous glint in their eye?  Percy Harvin and AJ Green certainly have the ability to take out a few unsuspecting victims by themselves.  There does not appear to be any truth to the rumors that Coach Lubert was the fantasy owner who got DeAngelo's dander up though.  A homicidal maniac, maybe, but not a stalker.