Watchdog - week four - Turdbusters!

Are you troubled by strange injuries by your players in the middle of the game? Do you experience feelings of dread when putting in your lineup? Have you or your co-owner ever been spooked, jinxed or whammied by another team? If the answer is “yes,” then don’t wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals… Turdbusters. Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs. We’re ready to believe you.

Dr. Ray Stanz: We used to roast Stay-Puft marshmellows by the fire at Camp Waconda. Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon… what’ve you got left?Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. - When discussing the lack of rational thought, two things come to mind: Semi-R and Mike Shanahan. And in this week's games, Semi-R got Shanahaned - his old team gave their #1 RB (Moreno) a total of 11 yards while his new team gave their #3 back (Torain) 135 yards and a TD. Throw in the mysterious disappearance of Gronk (is he haunted by the cutting of his brother?) and the Bears remembering Cutler stinks and it's time to hit the chorus: Who ya gonna call?

Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes… Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave. Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria. - The Sprockets made a seemingly brilliant trade to trade from their surplus of WRs and give up Dez Bryant for seemingly brilliant Harvard Fitzpatrick and it all worked seemingly brilliantly as DeSean Jackson, Sidney Rice and even back-up Eric Decker all put up 13+ points. Brilliant! Until... the Bills took such an insurmountable lead against the Bengals. Unaccustomed to playing from in front, Harvard immediately put up a game not seen since he was last QB in Cincy. He does get bonus points for the 25 receiving yards, but not enough to avoid the 0-4 start. Who ya gonna call?

He slimed me. - It's not often when one injury kills two teams' hopes of winning, but such was the case when the whammy put on Andre Johnson leapt up and bit him in the hammy. Pep & Cheez, the #1 scoring team on the season, would have been better off with Curtis Painter at QB than Schaub, that's how bad things were once Andre went down.

Dr Ray Stantz: Listen! Do you smell something? - And of course the other team that got slimed was the team that owns Andre, I in I/T. Despite having scored 76 more points than 3-1 Wombats on the season and only 18 fewer than 4-0 Disaster, they are staring at 1-3 on the young season. They've endured a season-ending injury to #2 WR Kenny Britt and the very next week watched their #1 WR go down for no particular reason.

Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"! - Previously undefeated Dunder Mifflin did everything they could to move to 4-0, putting up eleventy-one against the Hundering Turd, making every correct decision in terms of who to start, having the Lions let the Cowboys get out to an insurmountable lead and even put the whammy on the Turd by making them rely on the same Mike Williams who got shut out in week three to get them 4 or more points. Except the Turd had their mojo working for the first time this season and they got not 4, but six from Williams. Shoulda called...

Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown - Team Brokerage got what I refer to as the perfect game from Mike Vick - 416 yards passing, 75 rushing, 2 TDs and an Eagles loss. Sweet. With Mathews looking passable, Adrian Peterson rounding into form, the alert acquisition of Dez Bryant and even the "make sure he's healthy before starting him" choice this year, Brokerage is indeed showing all us prehistoric bitches how to do things downtown. They're now 3-0 against teams that don't score 100 points against them so you better bring your unlicensed nuclear accelarator with you when you play them.

Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back. - I always love how Egon and Veckman just edge subtly away from Stantz after that comment. Speaking of edging subtly away, perhaps the rest of us should steer clear of the Turd if Aaron Rodgers is going to go nuclear on us like that. He had nearly half the points for the Turd for the week with six TDs on the day. And yes, they needed almost every one of Mike Williams' points last night, but they still got that cockroach up on six. (No offense intended to Dunder.)

Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal. Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon. - Tim & Kumar had an 18-point lead going into last night's stink-fest, with only LeGarrette Blount to worry about. And through 56 minutes, the game appeared well in hand. Until... yes, the 9-point 35-yards TD scamper. And so T&K is sitting at 0-4. Time to cross the streams, right Egon?

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, no job is too big, no fee is too big! - there were simply too many good lines to use, so I left a few of them in here unrelated to anything.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for? Louis: Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you! - What sign are you waiting for that Natural Disaster is back this year? Is it that whammy they put on Andre Johnson? Or how about the Jedi Mind Trick they pulled on the refs to call Victor Cruz' blunder "giving himself up." I'm pretty sure they made that rule up on the spot. But somehow it worked. Next play, bam - 30-yard TD to Hakeem Nicks. I'm reminded of the Family Guy quote: "Guy I know bought a car through the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes." Disaster has gotten through the first four games unscathed, but now have to negotiate the bye-weeks with a lopsided roster (as previously mocked) and a history of making bad trades. The coming fall could make them yearn for the comparative comfort of being roasted in the depths of a Slor.

Dr. Egon Spengler: I'm worried, Ray. It's getting crowded in there and all my data points to something big on the horizon. Winston Zeddemore: What do you mean, big? Dr. Egon Spengler: Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. Winston Zeddemore: That's a big Twinkie. - OK, another semi-random stat on Team Gump's back-up QB Cam the Future Vacator - Sunday was his third game this year with 374 or more yards passing. In John Elway's first 170 games, he topped that total just once. (Thanks to Peter King at SI.com for that nougat.) The only game the Panthers have won so far this year? Yep, the one he passed for 158 yards. Coincidence? I don't think. Anyway, the Gumpsters are so good, they can afford to leave Future Vacator on the bench and still win easy.

Dr. Egon Spengler: We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue. Louis: Okay.

Dr Ray Stantz: I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft! Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinkin', Ray. - The Wombats got their first win as well this week thanks to the remergence of Arian Foster's hamstring. I love when a coach says "we want to limit (player X) to no more than 20-25 carries" and then promptly hands him the ball 30 times. What's the worst that could happen right? Anyway, Peyton Hillis recovers from the Madden Curse striking him down with strep throat and the Wombats are starting to look capable of stepping on a church or two. Pep & Cheez, you couldn't knock them down to 0-4? Nice thinking, Brian.

Peter Venkman: Is there any history of mental illness in your family?
Librarian: I had an uncle who thought he was Saint Jerome.
Peter Venkman: I'd take that as a yes. - I don't know about Saint Jerome, but the Fatties have a remarkable history of putting up some of the best scoring teams in league history and yet struggling to make the playoffs. To wit, this year's version is just 44 points off the pace for the Wilt Chamberlain Award and sits at 2-2. How? When they fail to score at least 103 points, they have yet to win, losing week 3 to P&C 124-96 and losing this week to the Bandits 155-80. Fortunately the schedule gets a bit easier from here, with games against I/T, the Wombats and Natural Disaster coming up.

Ray Stantz: Hey, where do these stairs go?
Peter Venkman: They go up. - It was Dale's Doormats who got off the schneid with Blount's game-winning scamper. With Stevan Ridley being the flavor of the week for the Pats and AJ Green on his way to perhaps the best rookie season by a WR since Randy Moss, is this the stairway up for Coach Dale? (And yes, I know that's not what the picture is - I think you know what the quote was for that, but I had too many quotes and too many pictures to use them all.)

We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass! - Red Bandits got more TDs from Ravens D than anyone not named Romo (who they also have) or Rodgers. They also got a career day from Beanie Wells. How big? Last year he had 397 yards and 5 TDs for the season. In three games this year, he has 321 yards and 5 TDs. And in one fell swoop, the Bandits are 1 point behind Pep & Cheez for the points race.

One more time (just to make sure the song is stuck in your heads all day): WHO YA GONNA CALL?