People are always asking me "Watchdog, how do you come up with all the crazy stuff you come up with?" Well it's Rolling Stone of course. No wait, that doesn't make any sense either, even for me. Sometimes, I admit, it's hard coming up with new things to say. Almost, I imagine, like trying to write for a sit-com. Say, a really bad 70s sit-com, like the ones I love(d) so much. Sometimes you get it just right and it's Dy-no-mite! And sometimes it's more "Whatchutalkingabout Watchdog?" Toward that end then, bear with me (if you'll pardon the pun) and we'll see if these old shows have any wisdom to impart to us, shall we?
Remember when Ponch wanted to date that hot suntan lotion model, to find out later she was only 14? A cop falling for jail bait - high comedy indeed! How did he not know? Remember when Tim & Kumar drafted a team fronted by Donavon McNabb and the team that benched McNabb last year? How did they not know? If only they had some sort of draft selection matrix that would help them pick the best players. Maybe Buck Rodgers could've helped?
Before you say "Wait a minute Wheezey!" about the trade I/T just pulled off, remember how well these "sure things" have worked out in the past (see Manning, Peyton, or really just about any Wombats trade that involved draft picks in the past 5 years). That said, it would seem that the 3-3 I/T is indeed movin' on up.
One of the ways to tell if your favorite sit-com has run its course is when they add the cute 4-year old like the Partridge Family did with little Ricky here, or like the Red Bandits did by trading for Owen Daniels. Seriously? Meanwhile, it turns out Yugo Williams finally got recalled. Only a matter of time before Beanie and Montario, if those are their real names, get the ax.
Ah, the Christmas special. A staple of sit-coms from the dawn of television. If there was ever a human being less like Santa (physically), it would have to be Jimmy Walker right? Will Rashad Mendenhall's revival bring an early Christmas to Semi-P? Will the Gronkowski family reunion bring a tear to the eye of Coach King? Stay tuned next week to find out! (Oh no! It's the dreaded cliff-hanger ending!)
From the "How do they do that?" department, I often wondered how Tattoo got to Fantasy Island, how all the hot chicks went crazy over him and how Team Gump seems to end up with a playoff team every year. Not only did they get high points this week, they left 21 on the bench in Devin Hester. The great thing about Fantasy Island is that the basic premise calls for guest stars every week. The Watchdog could never get away with that, say having Nostramoosus guest star one week and quote Airplane! and Seinfeld the next. Nah, that'd never work...
In the 70s, it seems every show had it's great catch phrase (well at least my favorites did) Is it a coincidence that all the best catch phrases of the 70s were said by black actors? "Dy-No-Mite" "Whatchutalkinbout" and of course "Outta Sight!" combined with the double gunshot. Isaac was gangsta before you were allowed to be gangsta! Who else is outta sight? Gotta be Pep & Cheez! I'd be extremely impressed by their pickup of Raiders QBs if I thought Carson Palmer was better than Jason Campbell. Still, having a 49-point lead in the points race through 6 weeks is on the way to being out of sight. I'd be even more impressed if they hadn't cut Ronnie Brown right before he got traded to Detroit and made a starter.
In keeping with the theme:Jack Tripper: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days! Janet Wood Dawson: Good times! Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!
Speaking of Little House on the Prairie, it's "come and get it" days at Hundering Turd Headquarters! And while Carson Palmer may be worth two #1 picks, and I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone the last time his QB rating was on the FM dial was 2006, I have to think the Turd should have gotten more than Matty Ice and a #1 for Aaron Rodgers. Feeling a little breezy in here Ken?
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." Perhaps the funniest episode in television history was Arthur Carlson's famed Thanksgiving Turkey Drop. If you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and find it. One might think that a team like Brokerage, stocked with Mike Vick, Adrian Peterson, Reggie the Vacator, Dez Bryant, Reggie Wayne, Kellen Winslow and Steelers D, would not be capable of putting up a 65, but sometimes the turkeys just get you down. At 4-2, they're holding a playoff spot, but Dunder Mifflin is just one back and has scored 45 more points on the season. Will this turkey fly?
One staple of sit-coms that wasn't really perfected until Friends was to have your stars be really hot chicks. (I never really decided who was the hotter chick, Joey, Chandler or Ross...) I always wondered, which of Laverne or Shirley was the hot one? Looking back, I wonder, why did I watch this show? Best I can come up with is what George Costanza told NBC when the executive asked him why people would watch their show about nothing: "Because it's on TV!" The Sprockets remind me of this, unfortunately in that, looking at their lineup, I can't tell which one is the hot one. MJD? Plays for the "Sucking for Luck" Jags. Dallas Clark? Not so pretty without Peyton. DeSean Jackson? He's like another Seinfeld episode, when Jerry was dating Two-Face, the girl that was either a stone-cold fox or a train wreck depending on the lighting. Jackson has three games of 14+ and three games of 4 or less. Yikes!
Ah, the guest star. One of the more unlikely sit-coms ever to use the guest star plot line is Gilligan's Island. Who among us who lived through it could ever forget when the Harlem Globetrotters dropped by for a week? And while the plot was always the same, somehow it worked. Perhaps it helped that Gilligan was ahead of it's time in that you could actually have a debate about who was hotter, MaryAnn or Ginger? There is no team who better represents all Gilligan's shrewdness and problem-solving ability than Natural Disaster. Add in that their roster features one TE, K and D and they will be kings of the guest star for the last 7 weeks of the season. We'll see if they ever get off that island known as the Toilet Bowl where they've been stranded seemingly forever.
What's more surprising? That the cute little girl with the pig tails and braces from the Facts of Life ended up looking like this? 
Or that the guy with the cheesy smile and mullet hair cut ended up looking like this? 
Now what's more surprising? That Dunder Mifflin's Matthew Stafford is still healthy almost half-way through our fantasy season? That Carolina's Steve Smith has had his career resurrected by Cam the Future Vacator? Or that Wes Welker may end up in the Hall of Fame someday?
When a show can combine the guest star appearance with the after school special theme, that's always a sign that show may be reaching the end of the line. Unfortunately, such was the case with Diff'rent Strokes, when Nancy "Just Say No" Reagan guested. Speaking of "just say no," that apparently is what Peyton Hillis says every time the coach tries to send him in, much to the chagrin of the Wombats. First it was strep throat, now his widdle weg hurts. You would think a guy 6'2" 250 pounds might be a little tougher than that. Has the Madden Curse struck again? Stay tuned!
The On-Location plot device. Another classic! Let's see, we have nothing new at all, but what if we use the exact same plot but in the Grand Canyon or Hawaii or something? When you have an ensemble as diverse and talented as the Brady Bunch, you might get away with that for a season or two. When you're Dale's Doormats and your five back-up RBs (Ridley's believe it or not, LaGarrette Bench, Tashard "not much of a" Choice, someone named Deji Vu Karim and Danny Knock On Woodhead) combine for 7 points, perhaps you should stick with guest star episodes. Isn't Joe Namath available these days?
Hard to believe looking at Henry Winkler now, but he was once cool enough to waterski in a leather jacket. Well, looking back, maybe he wasn't quite that cool. Any skiing enthusiast can appreciate just how hard this stunt is, to say anything of jumping the umm... Well, when you produce an episode that becomes synonymous with the killing the golden goose, that, that's not good. So has Tom Brady jumped the shark? His scoring by week: 44, 34, 39, 21, 18, 24. With the Patriots featuring the 32nd ranked defense in the NFL, they figure to have to throw, and I'm sure we all saw the two-minute drill against Dallas on Sunday. At least he's lost the Brady Hair, right Fatties? Anyway, there's a reason no sit-com ever again featured someone skiing over a man-eating shark. And there's a reason the Ryan Brothers keep shutting down New England's high-powered offense. If anyone else figures it out, the Fatties will be in real jeopardy of pulling the same old plot - a great team and a great season followed by an appearance in the Toilet Bowl.
Now what's more surprising? That Dunder Mifflin's Matthew Stafford is still healthy almost half-way through our fantasy season? That Carolina's Steve Smith has had his career resurrected by Cam the Future Vacator? Or that Wes Welker may end up in the Hall of Fame someday?
When a show can combine the guest star appearance with the after school special theme, that's always a sign that show may be reaching the end of the line. Unfortunately, such was the case with Diff'rent Strokes, when Nancy "Just Say No" Reagan guested. Speaking of "just say no," that apparently is what Peyton Hillis says every time the coach tries to send him in, much to the chagrin of the Wombats. First it was strep throat, now his widdle weg hurts. You would think a guy 6'2" 250 pounds might be a little tougher than that. Has the Madden Curse struck again? Stay tuned!
The On-Location plot device. Another classic! Let's see, we have nothing new at all, but what if we use the exact same plot but in the Grand Canyon or Hawaii or something? When you have an ensemble as diverse and talented as the Brady Bunch, you might get away with that for a season or two. When you're Dale's Doormats and your five back-up RBs (Ridley's believe it or not, LaGarrette Bench, Tashard "not much of a" Choice, someone named Deji Vu Karim and Danny Knock On Woodhead) combine for 7 points, perhaps you should stick with guest star episodes. Isn't Joe Namath available these days?
Hard to believe looking at Henry Winkler now, but he was once cool enough to waterski in a leather jacket. Well, looking back, maybe he wasn't quite that cool. Any skiing enthusiast can appreciate just how hard this stunt is, to say anything of jumping the umm... Well, when you produce an episode that becomes synonymous with the killing the golden goose, that, that's not good. So has Tom Brady jumped the shark? His scoring by week: 44, 34, 39, 21, 18, 24. With the Patriots featuring the 32nd ranked defense in the NFL, they figure to have to throw, and I'm sure we all saw the two-minute drill against Dallas on Sunday. At least he's lost the Brady Hair, right Fatties? Anyway, there's a reason no sit-com ever again featured someone skiing over a man-eating shark. And there's a reason the Ryan Brothers keep shutting down New England's high-powered offense. If anyone else figures it out, the Fatties will be in real jeopardy of pulling the same old plot - a great team and a great season followed by an appearance in the Toilet Bowl.
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