Watchdog Week 5 - mystery solved!

Did you ever wonder what happened to that poor shlub they got to do Kermit the Frog's voice after Jim Henson died? Me neither. But even so, I found him, and I am nonplussed to report he is gainfully employed. Now, you may be asking "Watchdog, what does this have to do with fantasy football?" I'm glad you asked. (You did ask, didn't you?)


http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights (sorry about the ad)


Now aren't you glad we figured that out? On to the next mystery! For you younger readers of the Watchdog, you may be asking "Watchdog, what the heck is a muppet?" Well, believe it or not, the Muppet Show used to be one of the biggest shows on TV, winning 4 primetime Emmy Awards including 1978 Most Outstanding Comedy-Variety or Music Series. Moreover, and more directly to our purposes today, in it's original four-year run, the show featured some of the biggest names in entertainment. Shall we explore this mystery together and see if it sheds some light on our current fantasy football season? I knew that you would. Let's see if Kermit can help guide us through the league this year.

Well, are we in for a treat here with the Watchdog today. It's Mystery Week here. Mystery number one is, will Team Gump get a legitimate offer for either of their top 5 QBs, Drew Brees or the Pink Panther? To clear up the matter, we'll call on Chief Inspector Clouseau himself. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers. Waaaaah! "Eet eez elementary, my dear Gonzo. Dere is no way zee Gumpsters vill trade zee Pink Panzer in a keeper league. Zee beeger mystery today is why Frenchmen any movie today speak with zee Eengleesh accent, non? Mais, Sacre Bleu, do you not see zee beegest mystery of all? Team Gump eez tied for zee best record in zee league!"


And now, we're really fortunate to have Luke Skywalker, C3PO, R2-D2 and Chewbacca here from a little movie you may have heard of. So now it's time for another installment of Pigs In Spaaaace. STATLER: I wonder if there really is life on another planet.WALDORF: Why do you care? You don’t have a life on this one? Speaking of mysteries, what ever happened to Mark Hamill? Well, he ended up as the voice of the Joker on Batman cartoons. Whatever happened to Ben Roofiesberger? Well he threw for five TDs on Sunday, or two more than he'd thrown for in his previous four games combined. And whatever happened to Dale's Doormats? Well after an 0-3 start, they've won two in a row. Yaaaay!


Sam The Bald Eagle: Mr Cooper... Alice Cooper: Yes? [Sam loses composure for a second, then continues] Sam The Bald Eagle: Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty, freako! Alice Cooper: Why, thank you! Sam The Bald Eagle: Freako's one, civilization zero. [Alice licks finger, marks a score] And speaking of freaks, what is Calvin Johnson doing on Semi-P? Megatron is on a pace to shatter the record for highest percentage of his fantasy team's points scored in a season with currently just over 25%. That is one freaky individual.



WALDORF: They aren’t half bad.STATLER: Nope, they’re ALL bad! One of the least mysterious mysteries we're looking into today is why a guy like Elton John would ever agree to do the show. However, when investigating what happened to Tim & Kumar this week, it appears a time zone zap got Coach Haas, as he submitted a claim for Oakland D to replace the Cowboys in their bye-week at 1:30PM for the 1PM eastern start. Sometimes vacationing in LA-LA Land is more than just an expression! And in this case, the 7-point differential meant an 83-77 loss and an 0-5 start to the season for Tim & Kumar.

Kermit: You may serve us now, please. Insolent Waiter: Oh... may I? Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Ryan Fitzpatrick had 88 points in three games before the Sprockets traded for him. Since then? 20 points total in two games. Ryan, you can stop stinking now. Ryan Fitzpatrick: "Oh... may I?"

Ladies and Gentlefrogs, Mr. Paul Simon, Waaaahhh!!!! "For youuu... I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe -- for yoouuuu!" In a game reminiscent of Eli's Restaurant Massacree, this year's "good Manning" threw for 420 yards and three TDs, leading the Wombats to victory. It was that one pick-six that had Giants' fans thinking of frying their legs and eating them too, as in Gonzo's song written to/for Paul.

Stadler: Waldorf!! Wake up! Here come the bikinis! Waldorf: Oh boy! Let's syncronize our pace makers! By far the hottest team in the league is Team Brokerage. And while they may not be Raquel Welch hot, they certainly can be as hot as her singing partner in this next number, so let's all give a big hand for Michael Vick and his 1-4 Eagles as Raquel, Miss Piggy and Miss Vicky sing "I Can Bring Home the Bacon!" Yaaaayyy!!!!



Fozzie: [drinking champagne] You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale. Another mystery I'd like to take a bite out of is this whole vampire craze. What's so new about it? In fact, Mr. Vincent Price showed me a thing or two about becoming a vampire. And he showed the Red Bandits a thing or two about how to avoid curses, crosses, mirrors and sunlight. Getting 26 points out of Alex Smith on a spot start has to be some kind of black magic, even strong enough to counter the jinx they put on their own team with their team logo. A team this scary? That bites!


Kermit: What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed. Zoot: Oh, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery. Animal: Renoir!
Ladies and gentlefrogs, Natural Disaster does look a bit upset right now. They had a 21-point lead going into Monday Night, an 18-point lead after 40 minutes of the Lions' game and a one-point lead with one possession left. All the Bears had to do was force the Lions to go 3-and-out and ND would escape with a 100-99 win. First play of the drive? 25-yard dash for Jahvid Best, game over. That was a stinker, not a thinker, to paraphrase Apollo Creed.

Statler: Wake up you old fool. You slept through the show.Waldorf: Who's a fool? You watched it. Ladies and Gentlemen, Rocky Balboa! Singing? About as good, the Fatties this week, losing their third straight. When Muchostinko is in your starting lineup on purpose, chances are, your season has taken a wrong turn somewhere.

Statler: Well, that was different.Waldorf: Yep. Lousy...Both: ...but different! Here's a mystery for you, Ladies and Gentlefrogs: how does the team with the single-highest-scoring player in the league, and by a good margin, hold a record of 1-4? Let's take a look at the Hundering Turd and find out. This week, Adrian Peterson had his first 30-point regular-season effort since opening day 2009. In week 3, Rob Gronkowski had his first 100-yard multi-TD game of his career. In week 2, Fred Davis had the best game of his career. And in week 1, David Akers and Jeremy Shockey combined for 20 points, compared to 3 from his TE/K. Or as Roy McElroy put it after the first round of the US Open: "I had a six-foot put rim out for me on 18 that would've given me an 82."


"Dun't vurry iff yuoo boorn zee tup, joost toorn it upseede-doon und blame-a zee Norvegian." Or in Dunder Mifflin's case, falling to 3-2 by falling just short of handing the Red Bandits their second loss of the season, blame the guy who drafted your team, not the guy who had Matthew Stafford starting against da Bears when Matt Cassel was throwing for 4 TDs against the hapless Colts D. No way to have seen that one coming.


Now let's go over to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Well the exciting things we're cooking up in the lab today are for There is an I in I/R. Yes, they got their second win of the season this week. How is indeed a mystery my assistant Beaker is working on. But in the meantime, the more interesting development may be the creation of a new quarterback in Denver, Colorado. Beaker, can you explain what happened to Kyle Orton? Beaker?


Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women. That's my motto. Kermit: But I can't. Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I. And that's my trouble. And that was Rudolph Nureyev's trouble with this dance with someone who may be Miss Piggy. And as scary-looking as his dance partner may be, it's no scarier than having to start Matt Schaub when Andre Johnson is out for 3-4 weeks. And yet, 416 yards and two TDs later, Pep & Cheez has cruised to a routine 107-100 win, again getting the winning points in run-out-the-clock time at 11:30PM on Monday Night. Not that I'm bitter.


Well that's just about all the time we have for mysteries this week. Join us next week when our guest star will be the fabulous Johnny Cash! Yaaaayyy!!!!


Statler: I guess all's well that ends well. Waldorf: Doesn't matter to me, as long as it ends.