Watchdog 12 - Leslie Nielsen: Dead and Loving It!

We can all hope so anyway. Surely it comes as no surprise to readers of this column to find a tribute to the late great Leslie Nielsen. ("It's not a surprise... and stop calling me Shirley.") Speaking of surprises, we have just one week left in the regular fantasy football season! Yikes! Where did the season go?





"The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner."

The Hundering Turd was 8-1 just three weeks ago. Now, on the strength of a 3-game losing streak, they have all but locked up the Canes Division title. Now all they need is someone to help them land this team in the Enchilada Bowl. And someone who didn't call out Darrell Revis as "ordinary" and then get 12 yards receiving against him. This week's game vs Natural Disaster means nothing more than family bragging rights so long as they don't get outscored by Dunder Mifflin by more than 127 points.

The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure."

The Red Bandits' season may be Oveur (huh?) but that doesn't mean they shouldn't go out there and win just one for the Watchdog. Looks like they picked the wrong season to rely on Dallas QBs. Anyway, if the defending champion (for one more week anyway) Bandits win against Tim & Kumar and have both Gump and Brokerage lose and they outscore Gump by more than 49, they will go to the playoffs. But just winning will open the door for Natural Disaster to have a chance to slip into the playoffs.

"I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you."

Semi-P is even less likely to make the playoffs than the Bandits, needing a win vs I in I/T along with a loss by Gump, Brokerage and the Bandits, and they need to outscore everyone by 136. However, again, a win vs I in I/T could be significant for others (OK, Natural Disaster again). Do they go with Cutler off his 4-TD game against the Eggles? I wouldn't want my season to come down to that! (Oh wait...)

"Nice Beaver"

There is an I in I/T is looking like they may be able to ride Eli Manning all the way to the playoffs. With their 5th straight win (and the Turd is 0-3 since trading him), they've shot from tied for last to second place and controlling their own destiny. They can also make the playoffs with a loss if either Natural Disaster or Tim & Kumar lose, or if Disaster wins but I/T outscores them by 35. Anyway, nice trade!


"It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day."

If the Sprockets had started Deion Branch instead of either Braylon Edwards or Jeremy Maclin, they'd still be alive for a playoff spot with what would have been a sterling 4-8 record. If it had been Branch over Edwards, they would also have the third-most points in the league right now instead of 5th. Twice they scored high points for the week, and back in week 3 lost to Gump 113-112. "Goodyear?" "No, the worst."


"Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested."

Pep & Cheez, meanwhile may be feeling a bit violent. Not only did they have enough points to win their game vs Team Gump (which would have been good for high points for the week), but a win would have kept alive their playoff hopes. By the way, in the last 7 weeks, Matt Cassel has 18 TDs and 1 INT. OK, he's only thrown for more than 250 yards once, but his season numbers are 22 TDs and 4 INTs.


"Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."

For Tim & Kumar, they've started noticing things like how to put together a winning lineup. Since that tie left them 2-2-1, they are 5-2 and control their own destiny. With Jamaal Charles and Fast Freddy Jackson, do they have enough to best the defending champion Red Bandits?





"Move along! Nothing to see here"

The Fatties put up 46 this week as Chris Johnson gets held to 5 yards rushing and Rivers fails to throw a TD pass (so much for the Marino comparison). They have a playoff spot locked up and high points too (so long as they don't get outscored by Gump by more than 99). They lock up the division and a first round bye with a win vs the Sprockets or a loss by I in I/T.

"It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

The Wombats have carried Vincent Jackson since the draft, perhaps submarining their chances of making the playoffs. Finally, having been eliminated, Jackson suffers a groin injury where there was "considerable swelling and a lot of soreness" according to Norv. I don't care to know how he found that out. Anyway, Jackson's final farewell for the season cost the Wombats a chance at high points for the week, as they lost 107-106.

"Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?" "No."


Dale's Doormats got edged 62-61 by a Lion-based Semi-P team, watching them get exactly 3 points from Burnin' Vernon Davis on Monday Night. The unpleasant part is that, even with a win, they were already relagated to the Toilet Bowl. And since "facts" is plural, how's this for unpleasant: Since winning the Enchilada Bowl in 2002, the Doormats are 61-65-1.

All right, I'm going to level with you all. But what's most important now is that you remain calm. There is no reason to panic. Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill... slightly ill. But the other two pilots... they're just fine. They're at the controls flying the plane... free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

No need to panic for Team Brokerage. They just need to win against the lowly Wombats and have Team Gump lose, or if they both win, Brokerage only needs to outscore Gump by 137. Remain calm. Getting a goose-egg from Hightower on Monday Night didn't help their cause much. The alert pick-up of Chargers D may come in huge this week though, fresh off their dismantling of Peyton and playing Bruce Gradkowski and Da Raidahs this week.

"Look everybody! It's Enrico Palazzo!"

After week 5, Dwayne Bowe had a total of 152 yards and 1 TD for Team Gump. In the 7 weeks since then, he has 733 yards and 13 TDs. And so in a week when Peyton looks ordinary and Adrian Peterson goes down with an ankle, they still put up high points (tied) and knock Pep & Cheez out of the playoffs. If Bowe keeps this up, he'll have people chanting "Enrico Palazzo! Enrico Palazzo!"

"I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!"

Dunder Mifflin also tied for high points this week, scoring as much as when they were a Boy Scout leader. This while finally benching Randy Moss and all the other guys they traded Antonio Gates to get. They have sewn up a playoff spot at 7-5 so their game this week vs Pep & Cheez is for show only. After starting the year 4-1, they lost 4 of their next 5 before righting the ship the last two weeks. Despite being a playoff team, they may want to see if they can outscore the Sprockets and/or Brokerage by more than 36 or 39 respectively to avoid being the lowest-scoring team in the league for the season.

"I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you."

Natural Disaster staved off elimination with a typical performance from Orton - have the Broncos fall behind by 306 then lead them on a furious comeback, throwing for 347 yards and three TDs. Despite having traded the Sprockets for Devon Bess, Team Disaster picked up Blair White (who was the difference in the Sunday Night game). They also have Eddie Royal (15 points), and yet still spend their last waiver bucks on Jacoby Ford. I guess when I say I'm counting on you, I just need to not be too specific...