Watchdog Week 11 - I came, I drank, I stayed

(Picture of a dingy little cubicle: a few regulars looking for excuses not to do work. The email chime rings. The shout goes up: "WATCHDOG!")

And now, the Watchdahg will do his best "Cliffy" impersonation to give you the latest edition of "as the playoff picture turns."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?""I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

Eh, ya know Nahmy, ya godda be talkin bout the Fatties hee-yah. It's a little known fact that their line-up of Rivahs, Jowhnson and now Santonio Holmes, they got a chance to eclipse the 1993 Rings Around Uranus as the all-time fantasy football scoring champ. All they need is 236 points in the last two weeks. Either way, they treat their opponents the way you treat them beers, Nahmy!

"How's about a beer, Norm?""That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

I think you gotta be talking about Tim & Kumar here Nahmy. They won two in a row, and rode Fast Freddy Jackson to 108 points this week and a win over the Toid. They got a half game lead on Natural Disaster too with 2 to play. It's a little know fact that Fast Freddy did not get his nickname from his footspeed! No, in fact, he used to give up the most for Lent every year and all the other guys in his CCD class were jealous of him.

"What'll you have, Normie?""Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.""Looks like beer, Norm.""Call me Mister Lucky."

I tink you're talking There's an I in I/T now Nahmy. Despite a pee-utrid performance from Easy E against the Eagles, I/T got 19 points on Sunday night, just enough for a 98-97 win over Brokerage. And from the looks of Brokerage's new team photo, they are not happy about it. But I/T has four wins in a row and a full game lead on a playoff spawt. They bettah win out though - they scored the second fewest points in the league this year!

"What's shaking, Norm?""All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

OK, that's from when you was on MASH and put an entire billiahd bahl in yah mawth! That was high cahmedy Nahmy! But what's shakin' is clearly the Sprockets who put up theah second "most points of the week" award putting a hurtin' on the Wombats this week. Sprockets are still 2 games out of the playoffs with two games to play and two teams between them and Brokerage and Nahmy - that's too much!

"What's new, Normie?""Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

Are we allowed to make terrorist jokes still Nahmy? That may be crossing the line these days eh Nahmy? Still, if one thing is as sure as the headline "Trouble in the Middle East" it would be "Natural Disastah chokes away a playoff birth." In a week where 11 teams scored 84 or more and the average score of the other 13 teams was 96.8, Natural Disastah put up 53. Strangely enough, if Ohton and Tee-bow had scohed their average for da season, Disastah would have had enough to beat Dundah Mifflin. Ifs and buts was candy and nuts, right Nahmy?

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?""Going Down?"

Ah, Semi-P. Not su-ah this needs any more explanation Nahmy.

"What'd you like, Normie?""A reason to live. Give me another beer."

How 'bout dat Dundah Mifflin team Nahmy? They got 1 point from Crabtree and Moss and still won by 11 points ovah Disastah. And Brady, geez, don't get me stahted on the Pats. The worst 8-2 team I evah saw! Still Dundah's one win away from locking up a playoff spowt! How's that for a reason to live?!?!

(Coming in from the rain)"Evening everybody."Everybody: "Norm!""Still pouring, Norm?""That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

It was coming down points in the Gump-Fatties game Nahmy - Gump put up 110 and still lohst! That Peyton Manning is pretty good. And Woodhead (not you Woody) - I always liked him! They're one game behind Brokerage and have the toy-breakahs with the second-most points scored in the league.

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?""Like a baby treats a diaper."

Now why would someone change my face like dat Nahmy? Nahm! That's not funny! I don't even know what theah trying to say! Still, when I think of Fahve, I think of Dale's Dooahmats. They didn't have a bad week with 85 points, but it wasn't really that close against the Bandits. The Dooahmats ah 1 and 1/2 games out of the playoffs with 2 games left and no toy-breakahs. That reminds me of the once-a-decade cohnfluence of when Seahs and Redbook had theah catalogues come out in the same week. That's a painful week for a mailman Nahmy.

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.""I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

That's the Red Bandits tryin' to tell the season they're not ready to go home yet. I tell ya Nahmy, if the Cowboys had fired Wade Phillips two months ago, the Red Bandits might well be 7-4 right now instead of 4-7. That's how incompetent he was. Ya know, he'd fit in well on that bah stool next to you. Well, the Bandits are suddenly one game out of the playoffs with two to go and only 4 points behind Team Gump for the tie-breakah. Maybe they're tired of a certain eh Watchdahg callin' 'em "Lucky"all yee-ah.

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?""Another layer for the winter, Wood."

Do you remember when Diane asked how we can drink beeah on the coldest day of the year? And you said "$10 I'd have an answer, and $20 it'd be a doozy?" Well in the British East India Company (I think that was your $20 right there) they used to drink tea on the hottest day of the year because it balanced out their body temperature with the outside temperatures. And Diane says "then why do you drink beer in the hottest part of the summer?" And I said to her "What the hell else are you supposed to do with it?" Anyway, the Hundering Turd already clinched a playoff spowt. They're just putting on more layahs for the playoffs.

"Whatcha up to, Norm?""My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

Ah Nahmy, I love that Satuday Night Loive bit you did. By the by Nahmy, how ah you still aloive? And how is Pep & Cheez still aloive too? I mean they got Matt Cassel at Quawtahback, a 416 year old stahting running back and - it's a little know fact that no Receivah currently in the top 20 in the league in scoring did less in their first two years in the NFL than Steve Johnson. Yet here he is scoring 31 with three TDs for the Bills!

"How's life treating you, Norm?""Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

Well, Ben Rothlisbergah put up 40 points, got himself whacked in the face and had exactly no one on his team so much as breathe to Richahd Seymore about it. Interesting eh Nahmy? Brokerage didn't score the most points to lose this week, but they did get their hearts broken by that Eli guy and the Raven's D putting up 22 in one week against the Panthahs. I mean Brian St Pierre? How the heck are Brokerage supposed to combat that?!?

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?""It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

That's gotta be da Wombats. 84 points don't stink, but it wasn't gonna get it done against the Sprohkets this week. Sprohkets put up 122 points with one running back tied behind their back. If they'da stahted Mike Tolbert insteada Kevin Smith, they'da had nearly a Gross! Dats a lotta fantasy points Nahmy. Pooah Wombats.

And of cahse Nahmy, I can't do this whole thing without tellin' 'em your best line ever. Not sure what it has to do with Football, but still:

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."