Watchdog Week 2 - Who You Gonna Call (again)?

Do you experience feelings of dread when filling out your lineup or getting ready for the draft?  Was your #2 RB suddenly tripped by the 5 yard line when no one else was around?  Has your star player been suspended or benched for no apparent reason?  Well, who you gonna call?  WATCHDOG!  (Yes, I've done Ghostbusters before.  You can have your money back on this column if not fully satisfied.)

(Putting on my best Movie Trailer Voice-over voice):  In a world where DUI convicts ram their car into pedestrians and get a 2 game suspension, where an entire team juices their way to the Super Bowl and where players who were suspended for the season are suddenly reinstated for the Enchilada Playoffs, one man stands for the fallen.  One man is unafraid to mix his metaphors.  A man who knows fantasy football like the back of his head.  That man is... the Watchdog.  Coming this Christmas to a Toilet Bowl Playoff near you.  Don't worry, I'm not going to quote Ghostbusters 2, which incidentally was never actually made.  The ghost above is just saying it's Watchdog Week 2.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.
Winston Zeddemore: That's a big Twinkie.

It would take a big Twinkie to push Ray Rice off the scandal pages for the NFL.  Fortunately, here comes child abuse!   There Is an I in I/T had a poltergeist jump out of their TV and pull their best player Adrian Peterson into the void of suspensionland.  The initial report said (and I'm not making this up) he "beat his child with a tree branch."  As awful as that sounds, I think we're all missing the big picture here - I didn't realize Peterson knew who his children were!  Second, I think the technical term for what he used is not "tree branch" but a "switch".  I'd blame this on the liberal media, but I think it's more a case of the crazy media trying to make a story where there isn't one.  Now as a parent, I favor the more wussy "time out chair" over a good beating for my own children.  But last time I checked, this was America, the land where a 9-year old 60-pound little girl is encouraged to use a submachine gun like she's getting ready for a part in KickAss 3. But I regress.  The other reach from the beyond for I/T may have saved their season, as RGIII suddenly rolled his ankle for no apparent reason and Kirk Cousins Itt comes on to complete 22 of 33 for 250 yards and 2 TDs and suddenly I/T has a real QB.  Also Mark Ingram may be starting to look like a real RB.  I'd say he's been rejuvenated, but I think you have to be good first for that to apply. 

 Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.

If you're a little fuzzy on the "good lineup / bad lineup" thing, remember this important safety tip:  play your best players.  The Gumpsters alertly had Brandon Marshall and Antonio Gates on the bench this week, and while it's understandable about Gates when you have Julius Thomas, picking either Roddy White or Anquan Boldin over Marshall makes no sense at all.  We are sending over Winston Zedimore now to investigate the Gumpsters' kitchen.  Coach Ueda said he distinctly heard a growl from the refrigerator say "Zuul!  You must start Boldin!"  Though he admitted later it may have said "Fool!  You must stop folding!"  As he neither plays poker nor does origami, he figured it must have been a reference to Boldin.  Oh the pain! 

 Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

What would happen if it turned out you didn't actually have to pick your own team to win in this league?  What if there was some kind of zombie draft you could use?  High points for the week went to a team that missed half the draft.  Dale's Doormats moved into first place in the Wilt the Stilt Scoring Race (by 1 over TBD - no, I know who's in second.  No, who's on first...  never mind!).  Luck came up short once again in the real game but had plenty in the fiction game.  The player who had opposing Coach Lubert calling Ghostbusters was Buffalo D, who somehow came up with 18 points.  Could Coach Dale be onto something here? 

 Dr. Peter Venkman: I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.
[Dana starts passionately making out with him]
Dr. Peter Venkman: Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...

Team Brokerage had a rule against picking up suspended people.  Like Venkman, it was more of a guideline than a rule as they alertly scooped up Josh Gordon, who suddenly had his suspension reduced from 16 to 10 games when it turned out he was not as high as people previously thought.  Turns out President Clinton was right, you can puff without inhaling.  Anyway, Gordon figures to be back in time for the stretch run in Fantasy.  Their other more subtle pickup was to alertly scoop up whoever Natural Disaster cuts loose, in this case Cincy D, who went for 11 in a dominating performance over the Falcons (who had gone for 8216 points on offense the previous week). 

Winston Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!

Losing out on high points for the week by 0.1 points was TBD.  I can only say I'm glad they didn't play the Doormats as that would be an excruciating way to end up with an L for the week.  Anyway, Jimmy Graham dominated the game with 2 TDs and 118 yards receiving, Cobb had 18 points and Julio Jones had 15.  And while they lost high points for the week (which means nothing really), TBD had more than enough for the Turd.

 Dr Ray Stantz: Listen... do you smell something?

The Turd had two pickups this past week - Alan Hurns, who came out of nowhere to get 110 yards and 2 TDs last week, and Larry Donnell, the TE for the Giants who had 50 yards and a TD.  Which one did Coach Ken put into the starting lineup?  Yep, Hurns, who followed up his 23 point performance with 1.3.  Donnell meanwhile looked like a star in the making, diving all over the field for Eli's randomly thrown passes and getting 81 yards worth.  Sharing the bench with Donnell for the Turd was Sammy Watkins, who had a breakout performance of his own with 117 yards and a score.  I'd blame this on ghosts too, but I know my brother too well.

 Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

The Camel Jockeys kicked the Wombats' ass this week, despite battling some phantasms of their own.  The Wombats dropped to 0-2 this week even with a bounce-back performance from Aaron Rodgers, who put up 36 points.  Unfortunately most of his production went to Camel Jockey Jordy Nelson who had 27.  Jockeys nearly got caught with a loss for forgetting to hit "submit change" in benching Drew Hanson in favor of Cutler, which did cost them 27 points and high points for the week.  It was a winnable game for the Wombats, as they left 7 points on the bench with their RBs (Stewart and Ridley benched in favor of Forsett and Asiata).  As usual, when you try to get fancy, you get dusted.  90 points is nothing to be ashamed of, but oh the one that got away.  Coach Haas did not blame Gremlins for the QB issue, but the benching of Bernard Pierce is an unexplained phenomenon. 

 Man at Elevator: What are you supposed to be, some kind of a cosmonaut?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we're exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.

Marky Marc endured the phantoms of the fantasy that grabbed Knowshon and AJ Green as well as reserved Eric Decker and still came away with a "W" thanks to Peyton and Patriots D.  Not much mystery to the Pats performance when Peterson was suspended.  With Gostkowski going for 12 and opposing TE Gronkowski going for 3, they were able to coast to a win. 


Dr. Peter Venkman: He slimed me.

Their opponents, Semi-P, have put in a call to the Ghostbusters to see what is behind the mysterious fading of Tom Brady.  "He's a shadow of his former self" Coach King gasped, shaking his head in awe.  Last year was Brady's first full year since 2006 that he failed to throw at least 26 TDs (he had 25) and he threw for "merely" 4343 yards.  His QBR of 61.1 was the lowest of his career last year.  Through two games this season, he has 398 yards and 2 TDs a QBR of 48.1.  Does he miss his Mankins?  Is it the curse of Gisele Ono?  Cue the mysterious music! 

 Dr. Egon Spengler: We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue.
Louis: Okay.

Yep, this actual conversation took place between GM Ingrey and Coach Morrison:  DI: "I think we’d have to be crazy to change our starting lineup after winning high points for week one right?"  DM:  "Great job with the draft.  You gave me lots to work with.  No change to the lineup."  Last week, 118 points, high for the week.  This week 54 points, low for the week, losing by 19 to a team that had their best player (Charles) get 4 yards rushing.  Ghost of the week was Marques Colston who had 5 catches for 110 yards last week and ZERO targets this week. 

 Dr. Peter Venkman: I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

For Pep and Cheez, their ghost of the week was Percy Harvin's TD, where he obviously  stepped out of bounds on a scoring play right in front of the ref and was somehow awarded a TD anyway.  I'd complain longer and louder about this apparition, but even if Harvin was banned from the league and his points stricken from the record like Steve Martin demanding that the letter M be stricken from the English language, Disaster would still lose by 8.  (You always have to have one crazy demand when taking hostages so you can plead insanity later.)  Now clearly the Pizza Boyz don't have to take this abuse from the Watchdog.  They can go abuse their own players.  Er, they can count the win and look forward to next week.

 Dr. Peter Venkman: It's Miller time.

Last, and possibly least this week is the epic "battle" (or slap-fight) between the Steel Trojans and Fatties.  If you recall the movie, the above quote was uttered when they mistakenly thought they'd vaporized Zuul.  It turned out there was more work to be done.  I bring that up because....  It was the Fatties who ultimately triumphed when Roofiesberger broke a nail during his 8-point eruption against the Ravens Thursday night.  The final score was 61.6 to 59.8, with the STDs getting 10 from Ellington, 21 from Foster and not much else.  The reports of Arian Foster's demise appear to be premature.  Or is he back from the dead????  For the Fatties, Cam Newton's return was just enough to offset the disappearance of Eddie Lacy, who appeared lost in a fog of post-concussion syndrome against the Jets "D".  LeSean McCoy's 16.2 last night was the difference in the game.  Tim Wright is trying to get noticed by Brady (he said "what am I invisible here?") and Jordan Reed had the dreaded "hamstring" to miss week 2 leaving the Corpulent Ones without a tight end, which is OK if you're in Philly, but no condition to be in if you're in San Francisco.  Anyway, both teams still have some work to do.