"Get him a body bag! Yeah!" What else do you say when the margin of victory was more than all but one other team scored this week? It was like some bad horror movie. "They just kept coming and coming and coming!" First, you have what was one of the top three playoff performances in the history of Fantasy Football with Jamaal Charles clearly in Charge. Strangely, just 20 yards rushing, but 195 receiving and five total TDs - and he sat for the last quarter-plus. Yes, Gale Sayers' total points for a single game could have been in reach. By himself, Charles would have lost to Team Gump by 5. Add in that everyone on the Fatties' starting eight had at least 9 and DeSean Jackson and KC D both had 20 or more and you have a blood-letting of Dexter-like proportions. Keep this in mind - if for some strange reason, the Fatties had chosen to start Tennessee QBs over Detroit and Eddie Lacy over McCoy, they'd have become the first team in league history to score 200 points in a game.
"Sweep the leg." For the Gumpsters, what else do you say when they could have started all sixteen guys on their team and still lost by 31? It was like some badly-aging but somehow still entertaining 80s movie starring a 30-year-old as a high school junior too young to drive. Five of their starters scored four points or less, with the Law Firm going for just four yards. It was his worst performance since 2009, but interestingly Green-Ellis' last three games at Pittsburgh look like this: 4 carries for 4 yards, 15 carries for 14 yards last year and 5 carries for 9 yards in 2011. Do they have his number? In 2010, he went for 123 combined yards at Pitt.
Daniel: Hey, what kind of belt do you have?
Miyagi: Canvas. JC Penney, $3.98. You like? For the Chamberlain Winning Funky Dogs, they gave Peyton the second half off (a mere 23 points for him) and still coasted to a 99-72 win over the STDs. We may have to start re-thinking Ryan Mathews' fantasy upside as he went for his fifth 100-yard game in the last nine games, matching his total from the previous three and a half seasons and playoffs combined. He has become the Funky Dogs' secret weapon, their Crane Technique. So long as Peyton plays the whole game next week, the Enchilada Bowl matchup against the Fatties should be very interesting indeed. No Ralph Macchios in here - this one is Bobby against the random Asian guy, the semi-final matchup that should have been the finals if the seeding had been done properly in the movie.
"Ai, had very good chance." For the STDs, they needed Mr. Miyagi to do that thing with his hands, but he was not available, being mostly dead all season. A disappointing end to a successful season, as they were beset by injuries to their top three RBs, with Adrian Peterson, Reggie Bush and Toby Gerhart all going down last week. Bush came back to put up 15 this week, but the Trojans were left to pick between practice squad refugees Jordan Todman and Matt Asiata. While Todman had the better real game, Asiata's three short TDs gave him a 10-point edge in fantasy points. Couple that with the unlikely ascension of Kirk Cousins (381 yards and 3 TDs) and they had the points to pull off the upset. But while they've been voted off the island, they can still compete on Exile Island against the Gumpsters for the Constipation Bowl.
Daniel: I don't know if I know enough karate.
Miyagi: Feeling correct. In Miyagi-speak, that means it doesn't matter if you stink for the regular season as long as you peak at the right time. In the Toilet Bowl, There Is an I in I/T continues its rampage, with a 69-67 wax-off of Pep and Cheez. The good news is that Cecil Shorts and Jared Cook both got shut out, so I/T can insert Roddy White and Tyler Eifert into the lineup and not miss a beat. Heck, they may even top 75 in the Toilet Bowl Finals.
Lucille Larusso: This is it. This is the end of the line.
Daniel: You're telling me. The look on Daniel-san's face was a perfect match for the look on Coach Yeager's face when he realized they lost to I/T. Because while Justin Tucker had six field goals last night, Pep and Cheez needed seven to pull out the last-second win. Or they needed to start Chicago QBs instead of Newton. Or either Hopkins or LaFell instead of Bowe. A heartbreaking end to the season for Bowe, who was just starting to look like the top 14-WR he was drafted as. And again, Alex Smith had 318 yards passing and 5 TDs and Bowe had just 24 yards. On the plus side, Keenan Allen continued his run at the all-time rookie receiving yards record held by Anquan Boldin (not counting Bill Groman's AFL record from 1960 of 1473 yards), though he needs 346 yards in his last three games to get it.
Daniel: I thought it came from Buddhist temples and stuff like that. Miyagi: You too much TV. Look at the range of emotion Daniel-san can portray! Is it any wonder Ralph Macchio is one of the finest actors in this movie? For TBD, it was another disappointing day from the Brady Bunch. Fortunately for the NFL side of it, the Pats found a way to lose to the Dolphins, who had supposedly given up on the season in the wake of the bullying in their locker room that may or may not go on in every locker room on every level in every sport to some degree or another. Especially if you're wearing a Chargers jersey in public. Well, now they have an excuse not to watch too much TV (like the rest of us).
Miyagi: Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything. Daniel: Ever catch one?
Miyagi: Not yet. For the Doormats, they continued to do their best Mr. Miyagi impression. They seem like nice guys if they're making bonsai trees or fixing a sink. But get them riled up and look out! It's their third straight 100+ point game and their fourth in the last five weeks. On the season, the Doormats have pulled off one of the most amazing performances in fantasy football history. They have exactly two games this season where they scored between 67 and 98. Six times they were 67 or less, seven times they were 98 or more. For the entire rest of the league, they were in the 67-98 range 63% of the time. Doormats were 13.3%. Are they peaking at the right time? Or are they due for an epic let-down against "the worst team since sliced bread"?
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