Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Shaldeen: Why is that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Because you could melt all this stuff.
TBD was picked by the league website as the team with the best draft, and even after their heartbreaking 0.9 loss to Dale's Doormats, it is hard to disagree with them. Eagles and Seahawks QBs, Mathews, Bush, Gore and Stark, Julio Jones and Randle Cobb and of course TE/WR Jimmy Graham make this a team to reckon with. For the first time in at least nine months, I'm looking at a coach that made every right pick for their starting lineup this week. Some might question whether Gore has any tread left on his tires, but until he's averaged 1184 yards rushing, 8 TDs and 4.4 yards per carry the last three years and Sunday he went over 10,000 yards rushing in his career, so congrats to the Riddler! Of course, there is still lingering resentment over the handling of the Justin Forsett incident. But remember too, he's Justin Forsett, not Tony Dorsett.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Richie loved to use 22s because the bullets are small and they don't come out the other end like a 45, see, a 45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head and there's a lot of dry cleaning involved, but a 22 will just rattle around like Pac-Man until you're dead.
Of course, on the long end of that epic 102.1-101.2 battle was Dale's Doormats, who left plenty of points on the bench and look perhaps even more dangerous. Proving that "clutch isn't luck" but rather "Luck is Clutch", Indy QBs helped the Doormats rally in the Sunday Night game thanks to going against Peyton and Co with 370 yards passing, 2 passing TDs and one rushing score. Add in 14.3 from Montee Ball and that was just enough. While Demaryius Thomas and Riley Cooper disappointed, Mike Wallace and Greg Jennings combined for 25.9 on the bench.
Barney: The Padres play the Mets every so often, though you folks would probably be Yankees fans. It's been my experience that most organized crime people are.
Natural Disaster put up the high points for the week with a comeback Monday Night win over the Camel Jockeys, though the issue was probably never really in doubt after Lynch started things off on Thursday Night with 110 yards and 2 TDs. But when Stafford connected on 2 first-half TDs last night, that was all she wrote. Of course, having traded for all those extra draft picks (6 in the first 2 rounds), they promptly wasted the first of those by using it on Ray "Boom Boom" Rice. This is essentially a two-horse team with Stafford and Lynch. Many say that Stafford has to deal with Jim Caldwell as his coach while popular opinion is that Lynch has too many miles on the odormeter, but if they can be top 5 players each, there is still enough depth here to contend.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: what's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb. See? No sense of humor.
Hannah: I see that it's funny.
The Camel Jockeys were not laughing this week with a 75.1 point effort, based largely on getting no production out of Bernard Pierce, starting for the suspended Boom Boom, and Zac Stacy, who looks like he might have trouble playing with no QB. Maybe he should give Adrian Peterson a call and see how he managed. Nelson, Brown and Walker look fine and Cutler too, but those RBs... Not funny.
Hannah: The car you stole belongs to the Reverend Malcolm Dickinson, he is the minister of the presbyterian church here in Fryburg.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Are you sure he's a minister? My best friend makes his living as a completely phony minister - for two bucks, I can make you a minister. Some guys steal your money, but these guys, they steal your heart.
Team Brokerage managed an ugly win despite scoring just 73.9 points (11th for the week). But guy that stole his heart was Doug Martin, who may have to miss time with a leg. And Victor Cruz is also looking suspect as a member of the NY Giants "offense". Dallas QBs figure to have to throw a lot, but if Romo feels the pressure to make every throw, he may battle Eli for the league lead in INTs this year. With Forte, Bradshaw, both Carolina RBs, a healthy Maclin and Greg Olsen, Brokerage has a good chance at making a run at the Enchilada if Martin can come back healthy.
My mother used to say be careful of women on diets 'cause they're always in a bad mood.
The Fatties are in a bad mood after week one putting up the fewest points in the league, thanks to injuries to Eddie Lacy and Jordan Reed. Keenan Allen was a no-show and the vaunted Rams D managed just one sack against the Vikings. Getting Cam Newton back at QB should help and snagging Bobby Rainey at RB may prove fortuitous if Martin is out for a while. Having a few New England recievers on the bench used to be a good thing, but after Brady's debacle of a second half against Miami, including 4 sacks and 2 fumbles, it remains to be seen if the Pats are still #1 in the AFC East. For the Fatties to contend, Newton will have to be a top 5 QB again.
Vinnie: dont worry i didnt marry her under my real name
A lot to like from the Turd offense this week, despite the losing effort. Having both Brees and Matty Ice looks smart. Alfred Morris, CJ2.0, Carlos Hyde and LaGarrette Blount round out a deep RB corps. One of his rookie WRs, Kelvin Benjamin, had a big day and that without Newton starting. So despite going against Orange Julius, they nearly pulled it out. Obviously Ryan with his 448 yards passing and 3 TDs would have been nice to have in there, but how do you bench Brees? One might think that after the Saints' bye week in 6, Ryan might be on the trade blocks.
Vinnie: what a day for a mow, eh?
For Team Gump, it was a great day for a mow, operating for the first time in ages with out Fast Freddie "Taken" Bennett as coach who flushed the Turd this week behind the aforementioned Julius Thomas. Roddy White and Brandon Marshall rounded out the top performers for the Gumpsters this week, but they got nice games from Fragile Fred Jackson, Anquan Boldin and Antonio Gates. Something may need to be done about their QBs as Cincy, KC and Eli finished 22nd, 16th and 30th respectively in QB points for the week.
OK, I ran out of good pictures... it's more of a dialogue comedy that visual.
Vinnie: ....5 o'clock Christmas morning, I run downstairs and look under the tree and what do I find? Uncle Alfresco, dead on the floor, shot through the back of the head. Plus no bicycle. It was a dispointing Christmas on many levels
For Pep and Cheez, it was a disappointing opening week on many levels. First, they lost to I/T with the second fewest points in the league. Second, Toby Gerhart left with a leg. Third, Jamal Charles put up only 3.4 points. Jason Witten had only 1.4 and Bucs D only 1. Edelman and Harvin looked pretty good and it is fair to guess that if Kaepernick had needed more production in the second half against Dallas, he would have faired better than 21.1 points. Jake Locker showed signs of life against KC D, as did Shane Vereen against Miami and Khiry Robinson against Atlanta. If P&C is going to make a run at the Enchilada Bowl, it'll likely be on the back and legs of Charles though. Last year, his lowest output was 7.8 points in a game. You have to go back to week 15 of 2013 to get lower than this week's total, so P&C can take comfort in that.
It's Louie! Louie Vincinzi from San Francisco! How was she? Man's so fast, he doesn't wear pants, it slows him down.
I in I/T took advantage of the favorable matchup with Pep and Cheez, putting up the third-lowest points for the week, but coming away with a win nonetheless. While RGIII showed cause for concern, Mark Ingram showed signs of life averaging nearly 5 yards per carry and getting 2 TDs. Adrian Peterson looked OK for this week, letting Cordarelle shine. Emanuel Sanders and Andre Johnson were solid. On the bench, Sproles and Brandin Cooks were excellent and Flacco had 345 yards, though only one score. There is enough talent there to make the playoffs if they can get 20-25 a week from the QB slot. Not sure the Redskins or Ravens are the guys to do it though.
Shaldeen: whats your name?
Vinnie: Todd, it's Italian for extra special.
Marky Marc and the Mad Dogs looked pretty extra special this week with Peyton cruising, Knowshon and AJ Green looking strong, Zach Ertz adding 77 yards and a TD. Crabtree was probably the only down note, as even the bench had Chris Ivory with 16.2, Nicks with a TD and Decker with 74 yards. I was surprised to see Baltimore D with zero points. A long way from the days of Ray Lewis and Ed Reed. They are projected to score 114 this week in their showdown with Semi-P (projected for 111).
Grocery Clerk: have a nice day.
Vinnie: f*** you
Welcome back to the league Conrad! Thanks for taking over the Wombats! By the way, your franchise QB faces the defending Super Bowl Champs in their incredibly loud stadium to start the season and you'll come out of the draft with no running backs. Devonta Freeman may be the only useful one of the bunch. Steve Smith had an 80 yard TD strike. But oh by the way, you also get to keep arguably the best player in the league in Calvin Johnson, who torched the Gmen last night with 164 yards and 2 TDs including that ridiculous laying-out catch in the end zone. As with the 9ers, you got the feeling that if Detroit needed more points last night, they could have had them. I love the league website giving Eric Ebron a "trending up" arrow because he "almost made a catch last night". We have a nice participation pin for him too. Thanks for playing! For the Wombats to make a run at the playoffs, they'll need a huge season from Megatron and Rodgers and they'll need Devonta Freeman to become the Falcons #1 RB, all of which seems pretty likely right now. Can they find a second RB? Will they need to? Stay tuned!
Vinnie: are you trying to say capeesh, well dont do it, it hurts my ears
The last game on the docket was Semi-P against the Steel Trojans. For the STs, it was not as pretty as the 82.4 point effort indicated, with SF D going for 17 - yay, but they don't play Dallas again this year, and Mike Nugent going for 5 field goals. On the plus side, Coach Feldman's proclamation that Markus Wheaton would be a stud is off to a good start as he had 97 yards in his first pro game, and Andre Ellington looked awfully healthy for a guy who was possibly going to miss the game entirely. Arian Foster and Shaun Greeeeneee looked passable as well. As with many of the teams here, getting good QB production looks like it will be key to their hope of an Enchilada.
It's not tipping I believe in. It's over-tipping.
Quietly putting up 100.7 points was Semi-P, despite a lackluster performance from Brady and Dez Bryant. They got nice games from CJ Spiller and Cordarelle Patterson and a monster game from LeVeon Bell. And Gronk looked healthy enough for one week. Miller, Hopkins and Golden Tate looked strong also. If Brady can revert to form, this is a team as good as any in the league.
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