Watchdog Week 3 - Running Scared

One of the classic ‘80s comedies you probably never saw, don’t remember and/or maybe never even heard of.  It is truly one of my all-time favorites, all the more because that is what Natural Disaster is doing now, as the only 0-3 team in the league.  So let’s see what Mr. Hines and Mr. Crystal, along with Dan Hedaya, Joe Pantaliano and Jimmy Smits have to offer for week three of the PCFFL, shall we?  I knew that you would.

Danny Costanzo: Look, Snake. From here, the angle of trajectory - Oh, great. Look who I'm talking to. Mr. S.A.T.'s.

Billy Crystal (Danny) is explaining to Snake (Joe Pantaliano) how he, Danny, hit the car that was charging toward them and not his partner Ray.  Similarly, the Camel Jockeys were explaining to Semi-P how they beat them despite scoring a mere 61 points last week:  “Look, in the end, it’s about having more points than the other team.”  No need to apologize.  Chris Ivory’s injury held him to 5 yards rushing, and Matt Ryan managed just 21 points.  Edelman will no doubt be glad to see Mr. Gronk back in the lineup.  But CJ2.0 had 90 yards and the Jets’ D is looking, can I say it? Frisky? 

Ray Hughes: [Trying to pass himself off as Italian] Hey, I'm a paisan', huh? What did ya expect? What do you want me to do, want me to cook you up a pile of Ragù? You want me to sweat garlic for you? Huh? Sing an opera? Lose a war? Huh?

 The Hundering Turd put up 96 points, tied for third most among teams that actually won last week, led by Drew Brees and the Jones Brothers, no surprise, and early Rookie of the Year and surprise Italian Giovani Bernardo.  OK, I added the “o”.  But here he is.  Does he look ready to sing an opera?  Lose a war?  Lead a fantasy football team to the Enchilada Bowl?  OK, maybe one for three.

Danny Costanzo: [Having learned his ex-wife will marry a dentist] Do they play the same music at home that they play in the office?

Team Brokerage (yawn) put up a 3-point win against the Fatties, despite having Hakeem Nicks and Jermichael Finley both get shut out on Sunday.  Nicks (“I can’t throw it to myself”) was targeted once in a forgettable game by Eli “Pick Six”.  But McCoy and Forte continued their strong season, and alert pick-up Jason Snelling (111 yards from scrimmage and a TD) adds depth.  (Sour grape note – Team Brokerage bid $1 for Snelling, Natural Disaster had put in a $0 bid, thinking to steal him.  Ooops.)  They still don’t have a QB (Tannehil had a season high 2 TDs in the game) but could have the depth to deal for one now.  Wake me up when they do.

Ray Hughes: Listen, Snake, here's the situation: I have this gun here. Now I am going to take the gun out and I am going to shoot a lot of holes in the door. If you are standing if front of the door, what can I tell ya? Some of the holes are gonna be in you. Ya catching my drift, Snake?

Dale’s Doormats had the gun on one side of the door.  Natural Disaster was cowering on the other side, hoping to not get any new holes.  DeMarco Murray’s 25 didn’t help, but the real damage was done by the Bears D (two defensive TDs and 25 points) and Jordan Cameron (three TDs and 24 points) in a surprise offensive outburst by the Browns.  Yes, the Browns and “offense” were just used in the same sentence in a positive way!  For those of you thinking, “well that won’t happen again,” DD’s bench was the third highest-scoring team in the league and that includes the Wombats’ three-QB bench. 

Thug:  No habla ingles.

Danny Costanzo: [points his gun at the thug threatening Hughes] Hablo, Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a CORONER. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you.

 TBD continued getting mediocre point production from Tom Brady, though far fewer obscenities spilled on the sidelines this week, but had plenty of firepower from Jimmy Graham to take down I/T.  They alertly picked up Stephen Hill, who is emerging as a WR threat, but foolishly got a .38 up their nose when they already had their own .22 pointed at Billy Crystal when they spent big waiver bucks getting Eddie Royal, who had 5 TDs in the first three weeks and will finish the season with 7 (or less).  Check the back of his football card.  He’s not good.

Ray Hughes: [finds Gonzales hiding under a tarp] You're under arrest! You know the routine.

[Gonzales stays quiet]
Danny Costanzo: Very good. You have the right to remain silent. Now what else?
Ray Hughes: [punches Gonzales in the stomach] WHAT ELSE!
Danny Costanzo: [growls angrily] Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
Danny Costanzo: That's two, you're doing great. Now what's next?
Julio Gonzales: I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to me by the court.
Ray Hughes: Yeah! Yeah. Now do you understand these rights you just explained to us?
Julio Gonzales: Oh yeah.
Danny Costanzo: It is such a pleasure to deal with professionals. Refreshing.

OK, the picture doesn’t go with the quote again, but it is easily the best police lineup scene this side of the Usual Suspects.  In what is becoming almost a foregone conclusion, like Billy Crystal picking out Snake from the police lineup above, the Steel Trojans win again, getting double-digit production from six players, so despite getting only 16 from Bob Griffin Jr-Jr, they also totaled 96 on the week and moved to 3-0.  Who are these guys???

Danny:  Don’t you be careful out there.  Ray:  Hey, you neither.

There were at least two different ways Semi-P could have beaten the Camel Jockeys last week.  Neither of them involved gunfire, Aaron Hernandez or Eli Manning.  Now if we could just hook the three of those up, the Giants might…  But I digress.  Anyway, when Andre Johnson came up lame and Seattle D let in a garbage-time TD to the Jaguars, this one was over and Semi-P became one of the seven 1-2 teams in the league.

Danny Costanzo: [unable to arrest Snake] This block is being designated a Neighborhood Watch Area. There's a guy up here named Snake. He's wearing garage-sale clothes and the top of his head looks like a parakeet. He also has FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills in a briefcase. As his neighbors, it is your responsibility to make sure there are no suspicious characters or evil perpetrators lurking in the area who would seek to do him harm. Again, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills, tax free, in a briefcase right in this apartment. Which has a really cheeseball lock! You can bust your way in there, bop him on the head, take the money, nobody would know! So it's UP TO YOU. Thanks a lot, have a good day.

Well Natural Disaster has had better days.  Putting up 103 points and losing does kinda sting.  But hey, with an 0-3 record, they have some pretty good players (Russell Wilson, Calvin Johnson, Marshawn Lynch) – the equivalent of $50,000 in small unmarked bills.  So if they keep losing, just declare their team a Neighborhood Watch Zone, bust the door in and take what you want.  And really, their GM has really cheeseball locks on his office. 

Ray Hughes:  That’s terrible!  What is that?

Danny Costanzo:  Whaddya mean?  It says “born to squeal”!                  

The Fatties were once again a pre-season pick by this publication to play for the jackpot.  And once again, they’re off to a losing start (1-2).  One would think that this kind of torture would be inhumane, like giving someone a tattoo who didn’t want one, a tat that says “born to squeal” for instance.  But don’t worry, Fatties.  Like Billy Crystal, I didn’t use ink.  Ray Rice will be back this week, probably.  And Marshall and Jackson are due for big days.  And remember, when all else fails, put Natural Disaster on your schedule.  Oh, they’re next?  You’re welcome.

Ace:  Lemme guess:  you want it invisible, invulnerable, invincible right? 
Danny:  I want it Thursday at 9.

Ace:  It won’t be invulnerable until 5.

Team Pagano (Dunder Mifflin?) still looks invincible, or at least invulnerable.  Certainly not invisible with Payton Manning at the helm.  Right now, that seems to be enough to win most games right there.  He put up 15 more than Aaron Rodgers in a head-to-head matchup this week, setting a new 3-game record for TDs to start the season in the process.  With Eric Decker, AJ Green, Randall Cobb, Fragile Fred Jackson, Stephen Ridley and Cincy D, they will come and go like the wind, like a taxi cab/cop car in Chicago. 

 

Danny:  Be advised, we have left the interstate and are now on the El!

Pep & Cheez dropped to 1-2 also, despite a rather exciting chase, like this scene when they were chasing bad guy Jimmy Smits on the El, dodging oncoming El Trains, getting shot at and generally being one of the better chase scenes in a comedy ever.  But in the end, it was their pick of Willis McGahahahee over Ahmad Bradshaw or even Danny Thomas that put enough electricity to move a train through them.  Hard to justify the recently signed McGahee going to Cleveland (remember Cleveland?) over Bradshaw, even with or especially with the newly traded for Trent Richardson.  Anyway, the bad guys got away this time, but Bradshaw might become even more valuable now that he has a real #2 back to share the load.

Danny Costanzo: I mean retire--quit-be a regular person.

Ray Hughes: Regular people suck.
Danny Costanzo: Maybe, but they don't get shot.

It had to look like a good thing for Trent Richardson to get trade from the Browns to the Colts right?  I mean, from I/T's perspective, their #1 RB goes from a team that can't run the ball to a team that can both run and throw.  But what happens if Richardson just isn't that good?  Who was the last Nick Saban back to be a big-time player in the NFL?  I think the next one will be the first one.  Anyway, I/T started the year with a win, but now after putting up a massive number this week (I won't say how massive, but it's the same atomic number as silver, which has the symbol AG, which Coach Eickhorst was saying a lot on Sunday).  What's going on with Kaepernick?  That is the better question.  When your two leading scorers total 27, that's not good.  When they're both on the bench...

Ray:  What are we doing in Key West?

Danny:  It’s as far south as we could go without having to speak Spanish.

These are far from the coolest tie-die t-shirts you'll see, but they are memorable.  The Gumpsters had a game they'd just as soon forget.  What do you say about Team Gump in a week like this?  They lost.  Badly.  OK, you figured Luck would have a tough time against SF D and he did.  Moreno and the Firm didn't show up either.  The Thomas Brothers each got 9.  Even the 9ers D didn't show.  But like a scramble golf tournament, why waste a good shot?  They're still 2-1.  They still have Luck on their side.  And they still play Natural Disaster later this season. 

Danny:  I’d much rather get shot with that puny little .22 than with my .38.

The aforementioned Aaron Rodgers lost his aforementioned shoot-out with the aforementioned Payton Manning, putting up a mere 244 yards and 1 TD.  It was indeed like bringing a .22 to a gunfight when the other guy has a .38.  But starting Chris Givens, Jessica Simpson and 64-year old Tony Gonzalez?  That's like watching the guy with the .38 reach into his coat and pull out his .38 and point his .38 at you and demand that you drop your gun.  Not that that is what happened in the movie.  Most likely.