Watchdog Week Two - DEFCON 20!!!

If Week One was National Over-Reaction Week, Week Two must be time for outright panic, at least for some teams.  Now in week one, half the teams scored over 100.  In week two, only Pep & Cheez did, after putting up 62 in the first week.  There were six other teams in the 90s though.  Let's take a peak at who is breaking out the cyanide pills and who is sitting pretty after two weeks!

Defcon 10!  When Michael's ex-girlfriend Jan shows up wanting to get back together and having gone to great lengths to convince him to do so, he goes from Defcon 10 to Defcon 20.  Now first of all, you may or may not realize that the Defense Conditions run from 5, meaning "Nothing to see here, move along" to 1, meaning "Run for the hills!  Or you'll be up to your armpits in Martians!"  Does Michael Scott realize this?  Does Natural Disaster?  After a week one showing of just 55, they put up a lesser shade of horrible 88 this week, but remain a Jan-like (post-op) top-heavy team, getting 53 points from two guys this week.

From Chuck:  "We're at Defcon 1, or 5, or whichever means HURRY!" - I have to say, I've never seen this show, but the quote is perfect, so here it is.  The picture of course is the Illudium Q37 Explosive Space Modulator.  Which means that for the Camel Jockeys, it's time to run for the hills!  The Jockeys have put up exactly 83 in each of the first two weeks, and while that meant they were blown out in week one, they were relatively competitive this week.  Why is it time to go to Defcon 1 or 5 or whatever?  With no real stars (Matty Ice, CJ2.0, Vernon Davis, Pierre Garcon and Julian Edelman lead the team) and no real depth (Chris Ivory, Marcel Reese, Christine Michael, TY Hilton, Kenny Britt, Jermaine Kerley, Leonard Hankerson and Dallas Clark combined for 31) they're going to have to rely on Red Bandit levels of luck to be anything better than middle of the pack this season. With an 0-2 start, they are already looking at the wrong end of a disintegration pistol.
 
Liz: Listen up, jagweeds, it's go time. We are at Defcon Five here!
Toofer: The lowest level of defense preparedness? Fantastic.
TBD is also 0-2, but were one of the teams to score 90+ this week, coming up short when Tom Brady put up only 13 and their receivers combined for 9.  However, at least they know which end of the scale is up!  And with McFadden, Foster and Jimmy Graham, along with Brady, they figure to have better days ahead. 

For I in I/T, do you look at the 98 point effort in week one or the 60 point effort in week two?  Well, the Niners don't have to go back to Seattle during the regular season, so that should help calm things down a bit.  Roddy White figures to get health at some point this season, doesn't he?  And Trent Richardson got a "vote of confidence" from the brain trust that is the Cleveland Browns coaching staff.  On the other hand, the Delta House just unleashed their Deathmobile, there is panic in the streets, the Steelers D put up Zero points on national TV, David Akers showed his age, Jared Cook showed his Jared Cookiness, their other three RBs not named Rashard combined for 1 point, their back-up TE came up injured.  Sometimes it's hard to remain calm, right Coach Eickhorst?



"That's Right! It's goin' to the streets. Hey y'all! It's revolution up in this Bitch! Set the alarm for Defcon 5! It's on, baby... it's on!"

Pep & Cheez is ready to take it to the streets, with a 104-60 beatdown of I/T in week two.  In this case, I'm going to say Defcon 5 (or 1?) is a good thing - they're declaring war on the league!  Cam Newton did enough (22 points), Bradshaw looked healthy-ish, and every starter except Rams D scored at least 11.  Add in 290 yards and three TDs from Cutler and a possible break-out performance from Rookie DeAndre Hopkins (117 yards and TD) and they are ready to put aside the khaki pants and café lattes and grab the shotgun!  For one week anyway...




In Stephen King's book "Head Down" a boy finds a bathroom just as his bladder is "going to Defcon One!"  Similarly, the Hundering Turd had to be crossing their legs and searching desperately for that gas station after a week one 57-point effort.  But the relief that comes with having Drew Brees and the Jones brothers, along with the Italian Brother Giovani Bernard providing depth for MJD.  The bad news is that the Turd only plays Natural Disaster once.
 When you're a three-headed giant knight, you really don't have to dither around, particularly against the likes of the Brave Sir Robin.  The Wombats also turned around a tough week one with a solid 98 in week two, though their four-QB system still seems a bit over-done.  At least they have the right QB in, with Rodgers throwing for 480 yards and 4 TDs.  Seemed like he could have thrown for twice that if he wanted to against the vaunted Redskin D (speaking of "time to panic").  When you have one of the top 2 QBs in football, do you need the #6, the defending Super Bowl MVP and whatever Tony Romo is? 

Remember Adam West's Batman?  Every week, the villain would have him tied up and facing certain death.  Yet they'd get "monologing" or decide they were urgently needed in the next room and Batman would of course find exactly what he needed in his utility belt.  He never had to panic.  Always had everything under control.  Team Brokerage has everything you could want in an Enchilada contender - McCoy is the league's leading rusher, Forte looks awesome in the Bears new offense, Nicks is healthy, Wallace, Finley, Gostkowski.  What they don't have is a decent QB.  Call it a Homeless Man's Wombat strategery, but they have three crappy QBs instead of four good ones.  Josh Freeman threw for 125 yards and a score, Brandon Weeden threw for 233 and no scores and Ryan Tannehill is the "best of the bunch" which is indeed fainting with damn praise.  Can they fix the problem?  Can they get by with this three-headed monster?  Tune in next week!  Same Bat Time!  Same Bat Web Page!
 If there is one team that has had some good answers despite perhaps looking at a Fantasy Apocalypse, if you'll pardon the hyperbole, it is the Fatties.  In the space of just a few minutes, Eddie Lacy gets his bell rung, Ray Rice grabs his hip and Randy Bullock doinks a game-winning field goal off the upright.  OK, not exactly Biblical proportions, but perhaps a Family Guy Y2K proportions.  Brent Celek, who looked so good in week one, had no catches in week two.  But just like Peter Griffin with his quest for the Twinkie Factory, they have an answer for everything.  No Ray Rice?  We have Bernard Pierce.  Eddie Lacy gets KOed?  We put in the high bid for James Starks.  Raiders D doesn't face Jacksonville again?  No problem, we have Tampa Bay D.  See that?  Everything's going to be alright for the Fatties.  Just watch out for the Stewie-squids.

Pagano, or the Dundies if you prefer, have the Ultimate Answer.  They have Peyton.  You can say Steven Ridley fumbles too much or that Fragile Fred Jackson is their best RB, but in the end, when you have Manning, you have a chance.  Now if the Giants hadn't been so putrid, he might have had to work a little harder on Sunday and Pagano might have been able to run their record to 2-0.  But with Manning, Cobb, Green, Rudolph, Mason Crosby and Bengals D, they're going to be able to rely on that answer to Life the Universe and Everything when it comes down to it.  The problem may be that they never fully understood what the question was.

Semi-P is a team that could, for once, stand to show a little alacrity.  It appears that Adrian Peterson is truly mortal, particularly on that awful Vikings offense.  And while they have Eli "Pick Six" Manning, Jordy "Admiral" Nelson, Andre "the Giant Johnson" Johnson, Seattle D and even got a frisky performance from Sam Bradford, David Wilson is clearly a concern, and Isaac Redman and Bryce Brown provide no relief.  This is no time to sit here and suck your thumb and hold your security blanket, Adrian Peterson.  Eventually that blanket is going to get old and ratty and have to be thrown out.  That said, they stand 1 point behind in the Wilt Chamberlain Scoring race.  Eventually, one would think, Gronk will show up again this year.  Do you really need two RBs in this league?










"No more Saul, now I'm Paul" - TobyMac.  Changing your name (unless you're MuchoStinko) is usually the sign of rebirth, new life.  Like the Apostle Paul becoming a new man, ending his persecution of Christians and becoming the driving force behind the church, the Steel Trojans have put their old sinful ways behind them and are ready to become the driving force in the league.  They are one of three teams at 2-0, on the strength of Bob Griffin Jr-Jr and their Tight Ends.  Why are they third on the countdown?  Reggie Bush came up limping, Reggie Wayne got just 4 points and last week's hero Anquan Boldin managed just 7 yards receiving in Seattle.  So how are they 2-0?  Was it trading for all those extra draft picks?  Or was it the name change? 
"Who's on first?  That's what I'm trying to find out."  - Raymond Babbit.  There is no team that lulls its opponents into a sense of security like Team Gump.  From "taken" to drafting guys like "Ben Green" (the Law Firm) and "Marino" (Knowshon Mareno), they put off this vibe that they have only recently started playing fantasy football.  But remember, they have made the playoffs over half the time and have an Enchilada trophy on their shelf, figuratively speaking.  And now they sit at 2-0 and have a deep lineup, with the Thomas brothers out in Denver, the aforementioned RB tandem, a little Luck, Alex Smith, and depth at every position.  What out for these guys when they hit the blackjack table.


If there is one world leader who cannot be touched today, it's gotta be this guy right?  Peace in Syria, re-elected in a landslide and look at those guns!  His approval rating in Russia must be off the charts! (Do they have opinion polls in Russia?)  Is it ironic that Syria is turning its weapons (back) over to this guy?  Now who's he going to sell them to?  And though their lead is just a single point, the highest approval rating in the league through two weeks is Dale's Doormats.  With Vick, Doug Martin, DeMarco Murray, Victor Cruz, Colston, James Cameron, Matt Prater and both Packers and Bears D, along with Lamar Miller and Montee Ball, they have the security of the Rock.  If any team has a definite edge on the Enchilada after just two weeks, it is Dale's Doormats.  Tavon Austin, Antonio Brown, Tyler Eifert, it seems like they have extra spots on their roster, that's how deep they are.  If they don't get you with their tanks, planes or missiles, they'll get you with a searing Op-Ed in the Times.