Watchdog Week One - Time to Play "Jump To Conclusions"! 

It is hard to believe, but the Watchdog has never yet given tribute to one of the best comedies of the last 15 years.  When the guy on the walker passed Peter Gibbons (below) in the opening credits, you knew the next 100 minutes or so would be pretty memorable.  So what does this have to do with Fantasy Football?  You just have to remember Tom Smykowski's "million dollar idea" - the next Pet Rock" - yep, the "Jump to Conclusions" game! 

Tom Smykowski: It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO. Michael Bolton: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom. Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.

 

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life. Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

So for instance, we know Peyton Manning will throw for 112 TD this year.  OK, maybe not, but with Welker, Decker, the Thomas brothers, no discernible running game and a mediocre defense, the TD record does look like it might be reachable, particularly with 6 games in that horrid division.  This would seem to spell good news for the Paganos (aka Dunder Mifflin), who nearly had enough with just Peyton to beat the mighty Pep & Cheez.  Throw in Cobb and Green and even a TD from Ryan Matthews and we have our top scorer for week one and obviously our front-runner for the Whole Enchilada Championship. 

 

Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.

 

Seven of the 14 teams scored 98 points or more, despite there being only 3 players with 100 yards rushing in week one.  One was LeSean McCoy, who only needed 200 more to help Brokerage edge Team Gump, one was Shane Vereen, who helped the aforementioned Pep & Cheez bench put up a massive 51 points against the aforementioned Paganos.  And the other was Tyrell Pryor, making his second career start for Da Raidahs.  So we know teams will more and more be emphasizing the passing game right?  I mean Adrian Peterson had 78 yards and a TD on his first carry of the season for Semi-P, but only 15 yards on the rest of his 17 carries.  And as good as Semi-P played this weekend, with David Wilson holding onto the ball like it was a greased watermelon and Eli "Pick Six" Manning, you have to wonder if all that is repeatable.  And how many 8 and 9-man boxes will Peterson face this season?  I have a bad feeling he's going to end up the season like old Tom here.  Or am I jumping to conclusions again?

Peter Gibbons: When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'?
Lawrence: [long pause] No.... No, man...Shit, no man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying somethin like that, man.
If there's a team with a case of the Mondays, it's probably coached by an Ingrey.  With the Turd edging out the Disasters by two points, we'll give this quote to ND.  When your draft strategy is to get three stars and those stars combine for 25 points in week one, you have to reconsider your chances this season.  Watching Calvin Johnson get another TD called back for "not having control of the ball" in the end zone or some such nonsense, after having been tackled 6 times on the 1 yard line last season, you have to start re-examining why you play this silly game. 

Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately. Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
The scene when Peter gives himself a window office while "Damn It's Good to Be a Gangsta" is playing doesn't have any dialogue, but the spirit is applicable only to Fred "Gangsta" Bennett and Team Gump.  No other team makes more out of less year after year.  When you go from "who the heck is Julius Thomas?" to "How the heck did he know?!?!" in one game (and does JT look like the next Antonio Gates or what?), along with having Luck, "Ben Green" - they had Larry Fitzgerald and Jason Witten on the bench this week!  The lack of Running Back might come back to hurt them, but with the passing game working on all cylinders, it might never matter.

Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
The Steel Trojans may have been jumping to conclusions after Bob Griffin 3 put up a massive 2 points in the first half last night, but he followed it up with a 25-point second half and all was right with the world.  As the Sprockets, they've mumbled about staplers and moving their desk and not getting any cake for years.  But last year, they stockpiled draft picks (despite mumbling about getting the 14th pick this year) and then made the dramatic move to dump the Sprockets nickname and now they put up 114 with their starters and 99 more with their bench.  With Reggie the Vacator, Steven Jackson, Anquan Boldin, Brian Hartline, Wes Welker, Reggie "Stately" Wayne, Sproles, Joquie Bell and even DeAngelo Williams, is this the year they finally take a torch to this league?  How good would they be if they'd opted for Calvin Johnson instead of Atlanta Kickers? 

Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing? Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
Dale's Doormats didn't call in sick to the draft, didn't spend more than $27 on any player and somehow ended up with a pretty good catch.  They even wrapped up that catch in TPS reports which may or may not have lambasted their lack-luster draft, citing Lamar Miller's lack of production, Montee Ball's position way down the Denver depth chart, Antonio Brown's position on a putrid Steelers team.  But Mike "Ron Mexico" Vick, Doug Martin and DeMarco Murray along with Victor Cruz and Marques Colston give Coach Dale more than enough to say "I got your TPS report right here!"

Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music. Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
The Turd was (were) a popular pick for the Enchilada with Brees, Spiller, Jones-Drew, Jones, Jones and Fleener.  They even avoided Jacoby Jones, who could not avoid Brynden Trawick, the rookie punt cover guy who plowed into him.  But James Jones somehow avoided getting any of Aaron Rodgers' 333 yards passing and 3 TDs and Coby Fleener avoided all but one of Andrew Luck's passes.  With Blaine Gabbart at QB, it seems likely MJD will face a lot of the same defensive fronts as Adrian Peterson.  Which could, in turn, lead the Turd to re-enact this scene with his computer at some point this season. 

Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please?  I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt. No salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.[under his breath as he walks away]Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.Milton Waddams: I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I...I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put...I could put...strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.

If there is one team that could end up sitting on the beach sipping mai tais, er, pina coladas - er, um, margaritas, with or without strychnine, it is the Fatties.  With Matthew "5000" Stafford, Ray Rice, Eddie Lacy, Brandon Marshall, Vincent Jackson, DeSean Jackson, Brent Celek, and even a nice debut from EJ Manuel, plus alertly backing up Rice with Bernard Pierce, they'll either win the whole thing or... or... or they won't be leaving a tip, that's for sure. 

Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon? Peter Gibbons: No. Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm? Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes. Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them. Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.
Speaking of coming back another time, it looks like the Camel Jockeys are one of (the only?) team who made a line-up error that cost them the week one game, starting TY Hilton over Julian Edelman.  The 17-point swing would have been enough for them to tell I/T to pound sand.  Instead, they have a meeting with the Bobs.  Not to worry though, with Matty Ice, CJ2.0, Vernon Davis and the under-rated Jets D, I have a feeling the Jockeys have upper management written all over them.

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Bob Slydell: Great. Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

There Is An I in I/T made a draft-day trade to pick up a decent QB in Kaepernick, kept Richardson, drafted White, Bryant and Mendenhall.  But the place where the rest of the league really spaced out was in missing on drafting Jared Cook.  For years we've been hearing about what a great talent Cook was.  But in four seasons for the Titans, he totaled 8 TDs and 1858 yards.  He's on a pace to surpass those numbers by week 4 this season.  There are teams in this league who would have been happy with the 58 points I/T's bench put up this week. 

You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great.
The one team this week who really got Lumberged was Team Brokerage - the only team to put up more than 83 points (they got 94) and still lose.  With LeSean McCoy, Forte, Nicks, Finley, and Gostkowski, they have plenty of ammo and may be the only team in the league with two legit #1 RBs.  But they have zero legit QBs and barring a trade or a miracle, they're going to see the Enchilada going to another team once again, just like Jennifer Anniston making it with the wrong Lumberg.  Yeah, that's great. 

Bill Lumbergh: Hi, Milton. What's happening? Um, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and move your desk again. So, if you could go ahead and get it to as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great.  Milton Waddams: No, no, because I was, I was told...Bill Lumbergh: That way, we'll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put  in here.Milton Waddams: No..no...[Lumbergh sees the Swingline stapler on Milton's desk]
Bill Lumbergh: And uh...oh, there it is.Milton Waddams: What?
Bill Lumbergh: Here, let me just go ahead and get that from ya. Great. So if you could just get to that as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Okay? Have a nice lunch, Milton. Bye.[he walks off]
Milton Waddams: [to himself] Okay. I'll set the building on fire.

The Walla Walla Wombats may have horded QBs and Kickers like they were Swingline Staplers, but they have four pretty good performers to try to trade for a WR.  It may have made them feel like burning down the building when Danny Amendola (one of their two WRs on the roster) was grabbing his groin in pain, but with two pretty good RBs (can't put Daryl Richardson better than that yet), Tony Gonzalez, Frank Gore and the lurking Ben Tate, the Wombats do have a dangerous look about them.  Like they just might...

Samir: No one in this country can pronounce my name right. I mean it's not that hard. I mean, 'Ni-i-na-najaad', Niinanajaad. Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton. Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.  Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning grammys.  Samir: Well, if it bothers you that much, why don't you just go by Mike; instead of Michael?  Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
TBD, defending league champions, sort of, are, in a way, the Michael Bolton of the league.  You could call them (the Red Bandits) no-talent ass clowns who started winning grammys (or Enchiladas).  But nonetheless and neverthemore, new ownership is in place and while the results might not end in grammys, the talent level is definitely a step up from the roster than somehow fell bass-ackwards into a championship last season.  Tom Brady, Arian Foster, Steve Smith, Jimmy Graham and even the Prior-mentioned Tyrell Aforementioned.  Once Le'Veon Bell is ready to go and these guys figure out what their nickname is going to be, look out! 


Stan: We need to talk about your flair.
Joanna: Really? I...I have fifteen pieces on. I, uh...
[she shows him her flair buttons]
Stan: Well, okay. Fifteen is the minimum, okay?
Joanna: Okay.
Stan: Now, you know it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Or uh...well, like Brian, for example, has thirty seven pieces of flair, okay. And a terrific smile.
Joanna: Okay. So you...you want me to wear more?

The one team that's going to want some more flair from their lineup is Pep & Cheez (if it's not the Turd or Natural Disaster).  OK, the three teams that want more flair.  Let me start over.  Pep & Cheez may want some more flair from their lineup, rather than the minimum 62 points of flair.  When one of your two best performers (the aforementioned Shane "don't call me Ben" Vereen) breaks his hand and will miss the next month, "Overhead" Cam Newton's offensive coordinator admits after the game that he screwed the pooch and three other guys (Jonathan Stewart, Brandon LaFell and Toby Gerhart) get a whole lotta nuttin, you start saying things like "wow, Roy Helu really showed me something this week."  And "Maybe Ahmad Bradshaw's feet aren't so bad this year!"  Or "Hey Jay Cutler!" 

So which team will win it all?  Semi-P has the horses if David Wilson comes around and if Gronk and Peterson can stay healthy for 16 games (or the right 13 games).  Steel Trojans have everything except a backup TE, Kicker and D.  Fatties might be a little thin at RB, but if Eddie Lacy proves worthy of the #1 pick in the draft, they'll be there in the end.  The Turd, despite dropping one in the punchbowl this week, have everything but a TE.  Watch out for Team Gump and the Paganos, who are both vying to be first team to win without any discernible help at RB.  Dale's Doormats have an excellent starting eight, but need Montee Ball to step up for when DeMarco Murray gets hurt.  And IT looks as deep as anyone.  If it's not one of these teams hoisting the trophy at the end of the year, it'll be a major upset.  I say here and now that there will be much honking of horns and slamming of car doors in Dale's Doormats' hometown this December.  If you don't like that conclusion, you either need to Accept It, Go Wild, or Jump Again.