Watchdog Week 12 - Better Off Dead

This may have been a better theme to pick for the week when the Turd played Natural Disaster, but who am I to argue with what I've been given to work with? 

Lane Myer: Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching "The Wide World of Sports." So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?

There is exactly one playoff spot up for grabs and the battle will be between the Fatties (7-4-1) and the aforementioned Disaster.  ND will face the already-whining Team Brokerage while the Fatties square off against the Hundering Turd.  Since Brokerage has already been whining about the trade between the Turd and Disaster, it seems the whole thing is coming full circle.  At this point, the Turd do not seem to be "resting their starters" which is going to make the Fatties earn their way in.  The website is predicting a 107-102 victory for the Turd - hardly decisive and a high-scoring epic. 

The Turd and Semi-P have locked up their divisions, Dale's Doormats have locked up a playoff spot and the Chamberlain Scoring Title and the other 

Monique Junot: I figured if we had nothing to say to each other he would get bored; go away. But instead he uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me.
Lane Myer: Excuse me?
Monique Junot: You know, like octopus? Testicles?
Lane Myer: Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Tentacles; big Difference.

There were two games apparently decided by one point in week 11.  Or were there?  Dale's Doormats received 2 extra points when Arian Foster was somehow awarded an extra 13 yards rushing the following week, bringing his total from 77 to 90 and changing the outcome of the Doormats-Turd battle from a 105-104 Turd victory to a 106-105 Doormat win.  Tom-foolery?  Shenanigans?  Back-door negotiating?  A full investigation is underway with all the resources the PCFFL has available. 

And the Fatties were initially awarded a 73-72 win over Team Brokerage, but somehow a week later, Cincy D came up with a phantom sack, turning the loss into a tie.  Now in the Foster/Texans game, you can look up the box score and see that he ran for 90 yards.  Hard to argue with that.  If you look up the Cincy game from week 11, four guys are listed with 1 sack each and Cincy D with a team total of 3.  So which is it?  According to nfl.com, the team did have four, so that's what we're going with.  The upshot for the Fatties is not all that different either way - if they win, they advance, if they lose, and Disaster wins, they're out.  If they had won in week 11, they'd be in nearly the same spot but would have one extra advantage and that would be if they end up losing this week and Disaster wins, but Fatties would out-score Disaster by more than 33, they'd win the tie-breaker.  Since that seems unlikely, I'm going to let this one rest.  For now.  If that is exactly how this plays out, I'll investigate the Cincy Week 11 game further.

But the upshot of the Doormats' "come from behind" victory (the fantasy equivalent of the "Fail Mary"?), is that DD have a playoff spot locked up instead of having to win this week, so it's two teams fighting for one spot instead of three vying for 2 spots.  And of course, as always, it's the Turd in the middle of the punchbowl (if you will).  Anyway, it's the difference between "S-T" and "N-T" in "tenticles."  Small change, big difference!

Every year, the Watchdog has to chase one or two teams down for their league dues.  You know who you are. 

  Paperboy:   Four weeks, twenty papers, thats two dollars. Lloyd: Sorry, I don't got a dime. Paperboy: Don't want a dime. Two dollars. Lloyd: Its a funny story, you see my mom had to leave early to take my little brother to school and my dad to work so.. Paperboy: [threateningly] Two dollars. Lloyd: The thing is, this morning my little brother got his arm caught in the microwave and my mom had to take him to the hospital, then my grandma dropped some acid and she kinda freaked out and hijacked a schoolbus...full of penguins. So its kinda a family emergency so if you could just come back later? Thanks.

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but Semi-P lost their second straight game as their WRs combined for 3 points.  Will Cecil Shorts (CS3) work his way into the lineup? Can you bench Larry Fitzgerald or Miles Austin?  Semi-P won't play a game that matters between week 10 and week 15.
 
Paperboy: Two dollars!



Charles De Mar: I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.

Now I've been playing fantasy football for nearly 20 years now and I'm no dummy.  And yet, I'm an idiot, a complete moron.  Case in point:  Disaster has three lineup "decisions" to make this week against a frisky Dunder Mifflin team who was forecast to score 105 but only put up 102, and moreover, negated Calvin Johnson with Matthew Stafford.  Choice one:  Conor Barth or Adam Vinatieri at K.  Got this one right, yielding 3 extra points (ba-dum-bump).  Choice two:  injured but playing Fred Jackson against Indy, or Andre Brown against the Pack with starter Ahmad Bradshaw missing practice all week and Brown having scored a TD in 4 straight games.  Picked Jackson, lost 11 points in the move.  And choice #3 - 49ers D against Brees and the Saints or Carolina D against Philadelphia's back-ups (Foles, Bryce Brown and company).  Being down 80-20 after the Thursday game, I felt that Brees and SF D were unlikely to both have big games and that we'd need a big game to win.  I went with Carolina.  Lost 14 points in the trade, though they dropped at least 2 pick-sixes - the 9ers did not drop theirs.  Lost by 8 points.  Now that would be one thing if it was a one-time thing, but in three of ND's other four losses, the winning points were left on the bench.  Which would be one thing if it was a one-season thing, but ND brought in Coach Morrison to "help keep Dave away from Stupid."  It has not worked.  Stupid has moved into the apartment over the garage and is cleaning out ND's fridge every night.  As such, Coach Ingrey has been fired, and Coach Morrison has been put in charge of the lineup.  You read that right.  D-Mo, don't mess it up!   

Charles De Mar: This is pure snow! It's everywhere! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Dunder Mifflin, by the way, currently has the second most points scored in the Canes' Division and fifth-most in the league and will miss the playoffs at 4-8.  Those pesky 6-game losing streaks can really dampen your chances in a given year.  Eight times this season the Dundies have faced a team that scored 94 or more, winning just one of those contests.  By contrast, Semi-P has played an opponent who put up more than 83 in a game just twice and won one of those two contests. 

Yee Sook Ree: Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.

Speaking of being badly beaten, but not out, the Sprockets won for the second time, ending the season for Pep & Cheez (or at least relegating them to the Toilet Bowl) after alertly scooping up Bryce Brown (178 yards, 2 TD, 30 points) after missing out on Knowshon Moreno by a matter of minutes and a technicality.  OK, they weren't the first team to try to drop someone who had already played that week, so this seems like a good time to point out that YOU CAN'T DO THAT in order to pick up someone who hasn't played yet.  Nevertheless, the Sprockets were without daunts.  Didn't even matter that Mike Wallace was fired from 60 Minutes or whatever he did to put up ZERO points (1 catch for 9 yards against CLEVELAND).  Or that Aaron Rodgers got Discount Double-Checked right out of the game against the G-MEN!  When you see Graham Harrell under center for the Pack, it's either a really good thing or a reeeeeaaally bad thing.  It was not good.

Tree Trimmer: Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

The other key game this past weekend was the Fatties putting up 105 and then relying on Team Gump to pull a "Disaster" by benching last year's "can't miss" guy Cam Newton in favor of this year's in Andrew Luck, and by leaving Bradshaw out in favor of either Felix Jones or Michael Turner.  So in essense, they should have thrown out the white boy...  However, a loss by the Fatties in week 12 would have put much more controversy into the week 11 strangeness.

Language lessons. Inspired words from a man who knows how to ski.

So Dale's Doormats put up their third high-score for the season and, with a 77-point lead on Semi-P, have put a strangle-hold on the Chamberlain.  How did they do it?  "Language lessons?"  Inspired words indeed!  Two great RBs, and two good / potentially great QBs in SF and Bob Griffin Jr-Jr.  And they spent nearly half their auction on Peyton Manning's likely #1 target in Demaryius Thomas (#5 WR in the league) and you have a team.  When BGJr-Jr panned out, their victory was assured.

With all that being said, it must be time for Dr. Gray's pre-post-season predictions!  Tune in next week to find out what they are!