So here we are again with just 3 weeks left before the end of the regular fantasy season. What do we know? Who will win it all? How good is Semi-P? Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons. Who will find the secret way in, rescue the Man In Black, save the princess, avenge their father and win the Enchilada? Same answer! That's a fargin' trick question! (Oops, wrong movie!)
It seems like the mediocrity has filtered out of the Canes division, as the Sprockets and Dundies have been eliminated from Enchilada contention and the Gumpsters and Camel Jockeys have a magic number of just one - if either of them loses one of their next three games or Brokerage and the Bandits win one, they are out. And we know the Turd continues to reign supreme despite the shellacking they received this past week at the hands of the aforementioned Semi-P. As the Man In Black said, "Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
In the Quakes division, things are a bit more muddled. Semi-P has locked up the division championship already, an event unprecedented and never before seen (as reported from the Department of Redundancy Department). And the Wombats also have a magic number of 1, being three back with three to play. The other five teams in the division all have a pretty good chance of finishing 8-5 on the season. Remember, the first tie-breaker is points scored, not head-to-head which I believe would be unfair if the one matchup happened in a week when one team had its key player(s) on a bye.
So question number one on everyone's mind - can Semi-P go undefeated? The answer of course is "inconceivable." It is impossible, unprecedented and in every other way inconceivable. That said, their path to the undefeated regular season is "blocked" by the Camel Jockeys (3-7), the Red Bandits (6-4) and the Sprockets (1-9). They've already earned a bye week for week 14. What kind of season are they having? Larry Fitzgerald is on a bye so they pick up Cecil Shorts III (CS3?) and he puts up a career high 16 points. And oh by the way, another top fantasy team puts up a mediocre 68 points when Semi-P shows up on the schedule. All that is to say, maybe that word doesn't mean what I think it means?
Dale's Doormats are 14 points behind Semi-P but due to having had 175 more points scored against them, come in at 6-4 and could conceivably miss the Enchilada playoffs. Their three remaining games are vs the Turd (8-2), the Camel Jockeys (3-7) and the Red Bandits (6-4). Presumably, with a 154-point lead over the 4th, 5th and 6th place teams, they will hold onto the first tie-breaker and make the playoffs with two more wins. The Doormats have the two best RBs in the league in Foster and Martin and a "pack" of pretty good WR in Mike Williams, Demayrius Thomas and Dwayne Bowe. Will Bob Griffin Jr-Jr revert to his early season form when he was as unstoppable as the Dread Pirate Roberts? Or will he continue to be mostly dead, and put up 13s as he has his last two weeks? Can Dale's Doormats storm the castle and make a run at the Enchilada? It'll take a miracle.
With Natural Disaster, letting them lurk around and maybe make the playoffs is a huge mistake. Possibly as big as getting involved in a land war in Asia, but easily as big as going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. It would be hard to see this team finishing 7-6 with Brees, Rice and Colston and recently-acquired Calvin Johnson (gave up Britt and their #1 pick in 2013) If Fred Jackson gets healthy and/or Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't (and Andre Brown takes over as the Giants #1 RB), ND could make this the Year of the Disaster in a fantasy football sense as well as in a reinsurance sense. They currently hold a 31-point lead over the Fatties for 3rd place. Their remaining games are against the Sprockets (1-9), Dundies (2-8) and Brokerage (6-4). I just hope none of these players are susceptible to iocane powder. (By the way, how does Prince Humperdink determine by smelling the vial that it contained iocane? It was supposed to be odorless!)
The Fatties picked a terrible time to put up a "double nickel" (putting up just 55 and losing to the now 2-8 Dundies). They are now on the "all dead" side as opposed to "mostly dead" and as you know, with all dead, there's only one thing you can do - go through their pockets for spare change (get it? Double nickel? Ha!) But, as the Fatties will be quick to remind - being mostly dead is the same as being partly alive. And with Brady, Green-Ellis and Brandon Marshall, and with Jones-Drew due back any time (except this week) from a sprained foot, they too could be ready for a miracle.
There is an I in Inigo - in fact two I's but not right together - and There is an I in I/T. Coincidence? I don't think! Can I/T make a run at the Enchilada? Well, up next is a game with the Dundies, who killed I/T's father and are now preparing to die. After that is a game with Brokerage, who also killed their father and are now preparing to die. And lastly a game with the Gumpsters, who killed I/T's father and are - OK! I'll stop saying that! Anyway, they have two winnable games and one harder one (you can decide which is which), meaning that 8-5 is a real possibility.
And then there's Pep and Cheez, who play the Bandits, Sprockets and Dundies, again one tougher game and two "more winnable" games. After three straight games in the low 70s, they hit 99 against the Camels and could be peaking at the right time. If only Schaub had to work harder to win games for Houston! They have Jamaal Charles, Maclin, Dez, Jimmy Graham, Jordy Nelson, Sproles (when healthy) and Pittsburgh RB. Would Green Bay QBs be available by trade? This is a nearly perfect team and perfect teams are a shame to waste.
Ah, the torture of fantasy football! Two fateful decisions hit the Wombats hard this week - leaving Flacco and Calvin Johnson on the bench. When I asked if Coach Moose had trouble getting online in the wake of Sandy and he said no, he meant to do that. And so the Wombats lose by 1 to the Brokerages and are essentially eliminated from playoff contention. Now they've just lost one year off their fantasy football life. Coach, can you describe your feelings at this point?
So the Turd laid a stinky one this week. Rest assured, they do not get eaten by the eels at this time. Hey, we all have games where it's like we got thrown overboard into eel infested waters (even Semi-P put up 67 and 75 earlier this season). Red Rifle put up 31 of the 65 points. Nicks showed up, even if the rest of the Giants didn't, and they continue to carry at least three legit starting RBs. They all but have the division secure, so an upcoming schedule of Dale's Doormats (#2 scoring team in the league), Wombats and Fatties shouldn't make them soil themselves. The Turd does make the playoffs. I'm explaining to you because you look nervous. OK, "concerned."
And who bested the Turd this week? That would be Team Brokerage, who survived injuries to DeMarco Murray and Percy Harvin and stepped closer to completing their goal of starting a war with Florin, global domination, or just winning the Enchilada Bowl. With games remaining against the Fatties, I/T and Natural Disaster and needing just one win or a loss by Gump and the Camels to lock up a berth in the Enchilada, all they need to do is get healthy. That way, they can face the Turd in the playoffs, as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. It's not Brokerage's fault they're the biggest and strongest. They don't even exercise.
It turns out you can spell "elite" without Eli. Even the Watchdog's patent double reverse jinx-o-rama didn't bring Eli out of his slump. Unfortunately, that means the Red Bandits have now lost two in a row and their chances of winning the division are no better now than they were a month ago. However, their chances of making the Enchilada playoffs remain as strong as ever. If Reggie the Vacator and McCoy can find the end zone once or twice they've got a chance at making a run. Don't count on the Bandits winning much the rest of the regular season though, with games against Pep and Cheez, Semi-P and the Doormats remaining. 7-6 would be an achievement. Get healthy, get Eli back on a roll. Survive and advance. Because winning the Enchilada is possible, Pig. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that the Bandits are only lying there losing two in a row because they lack the strength to win a game. But then again...
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