Dale's Doormats are perhaps the Herman Cain of the draft. As the early front-runner, it seemed all they needed to do was not screw things up. They waited and waited while player after player went for way too much money before making a play for Arian Foster, a fine guy to take the plunge with. But to end up with Damarius Thomas as your only other guy in the auction? One has to wonder if he'd trade Demarius Thomas and Green Bay Kickers for Aaron Rodgers (if he could have had GB QB for $41). I'm still not sure how GB D ended up in the top 7 for pre-season projections based on being #31 last year, but any time you can spend $2 on the 31st best D in the league, you gotta do it!They had the first pick in the draft section which they alertly tried to trade for the #2 overall pick. Overall, a lot seems to ride on Doug Martin and either RG3 or Alex Smith being good. 
The Fatties look like Obama 2008 - an unstoppable machine of polish and bluster going up against an old guy and the political version of a pin-up doll. "Yes we can" indeed! It'll be interesting to see what twist of fate will ruin their chances this year. They have Brady, MJD, Green-Ellis, Ryan Williams, Brandon Marshall, the Smith brothers (Steve and Torrey), Jacob Tamme (Peyton's security blanket), Bears D and Miami K. It would seem hard for this team to miss the playoffs! Not crazy about Brandon Jennings, but as a handcuff to MJD, it's not the worst pick of the draft.
Semi-P looks like Obama 2012 - their slogan this year is "Yes we can, but..." If you believe all the hype about Matty Ice with Roddy and Julio down by the schoolyard to throw to, and if Adrian Peterson and Frank Gore can stay healthy, having Fitzgerald, Austin, Rice, Gronkowski, Bears K and Dallas D should be a great team. There are a couple of obvious ways for them to miss, starting with David Wilson's fumble last night that led to his benching. Did he really fumble once every 42 touches at VaTech? That wasn't a typo last night? Peterson and Gore both have a lot of miles on them and Ryan has never been an elite QB. Fitzgerald is all-world talent-wise but has no one to throw him the ball. Can they win it all? Yes they can - but...
Pep and Cheez are the Bill Clintons of the draft. Remember when Jamaal Charles, Rashad Mendenhall, Matt Schaub and our economy were all healthy? Remember when Darren Sproles played for a team that hadn't been convicted of illegally trying to take out their competition? Remember when Vinatieri hit all those game-winning kicks and you said "yes a kicker can get into the hall of fame" and "yes a fat, dope-smoking, filandering criminal from the 48th smartest state in the country can be a fondly-remembered president!" Four more years! 
The Wombats are clearly the Mitt Romney of the draft. Good looking QB with great numbers who seemingly always steps in a pile of doo-doo of his own making at exactly the wrong time, the trophy wife in Lynch and Chris Johnson (they look good, or at least they once did), over-drafting Peyton Manning's old and new favorite receivers is much like picking a guy with two first names as your running mate - sure, he looks good, but which is it, Paul Ryan or Ryan Paul? Which is it? Did Manning make Wayne great and thus will make Decker great? Or was Wayne already great (and if so, why didn't he show up last year) and Decker is this year's Austin Collie? With all that said, like Sir Mittford, they don't have to say or do much to make it to the finals. 
I/T is like the Ron Paul of the draft. He's the guy with no funds, no supporters, and no draft picks who has some of the best ideas and you think "now why doesn't he win?" Oh yes, because he's old. And so their season will hinge on the right hinge of Peyton Manning not coming unhinged and the right and left knees of Trent Richardson. Steven Jackson seems to still have some tread on the tires and getting his backup in Pead in the 10th round was astute. And despite not picking a WR or TE until the 3rd round, they have six legit starters in Stevie Johnson, Hey-ward-Bey, Nate Boom-Boom Washington and Laurent Robinson at WR and Jermaine to the conversation Greshem and Heath Miller.
Natural Disaster would then be the Libertarian Party of the draft - you look at their party platform and say "yeah, I agree with all that" but there's no way in hell they're winning because they can't get anyone sane to lead the damn thing! First of all, after years of maligning Jay "More Chins than a Chinese Phonebook" Cutler, they have indeed selected him (them?) to lead the damn thing. That said, Ray Rice, Fred Jackson, Donald Duck Dunn Brown, Michael Bush, Hakeem Nicks, Brandon Lloyd, Kenny Britt, Brent Celek, Jets D - "yeah, I agree with all that!"
Dunder Mifflin is like the Donald - a strong businessman like Matthew "Mr. 5000" Stafford and a great TV host like Wes "100 Catches a Year" Welker (OK, not the catchiest of nicknames). Believe it or not, I do like Ridley, Benson and LeShoure and Tony Gonzalez doesn't stink either. But even they can't disguise the reality underneath: coming out of the auction with Andre "Oooh My Groin" Johnson, Vernon "Nice Block" Davis and a kicker. There's $55 well spent! 
The Sprockets, or 2/3 Kosher or whatever they're calling themselves now, are the Ron Reagan of the draft. They got the Star Wars done with GB QB, DeMarco Murray, Megatron, Mike Wallace and Aaron Hernandez and people look at him (them) as unbeatable. But in reality, he was senile for a good portion of his time in office (and a good portion of the draft - as evidenced by picking Carson Palmer in the 3rd round or at all, injured Jonathan Stewart, benched LeGarrette Blount, and the awesome KC D. Is it enough to take down the Soviet Union and win the Cold War? The Red Bandits are the US Economy of the draft. Three years ago, they won the whole thing, since then, a Toilet Bowl and a Constipation Bowl championship and things seem to generally be heading in the wrong direction. But things may be looking up! "Can't spell Elite without 'Eli'", LeShaun McCoy, Reggie Bush (no relation), Peyton Hillis, Julio Jones, Pierre Garcon and Jason Witten - it's a bunch of positive job reports that have the stock market tanking month after month. Good luck!
Which leads us to the Sarah Palin of the draft - Team Brokerage! They look F-I-N-E fine but is there anything there? Philly QBs, Ryan Matthews, DeAngelo Williams, Percy Harvin and Antonio Gates are all really sexy picks, but will they produce or end up on the IR? Helu and Royster? That has "Shanahanized" written all over it. But they are easy to look at...
Team Gump is the Chris Christie of the draft - you wish it was four years from now so they'd run but at the same time, he's so damn fat you wonder if he'll make it that long. Cam Newton, Andrew Luck, Justin Blackmon, Michael Floyd - these are exciting young ideas! Michael Turner, Ahmad Bradshaw, Ray Lewis and Baltimore D? These guys have logged a lot of miles.
Kumar (now the Camel Jockeys) are clearly the Jeb Bush of the draft. Nobody wants them to run, but they scare the crap out of you anyway. Rivers and Roofiesberger, McFadden, Green and New Orleans RBs (Ingram and Thomas), Cruz, Jennings, Brown and the up and coming Titus Young, Pettigrew, Dallas Kicker and Philly D. Could this be their year? Or will we have to wait for 2016?
Last but not least, the Turd is the John McCain of the draft. OK, 10 out of 10 for being a war hero and a maverick and for drafting Brees, Forte, Colston, V Jax and Giants D. But minus several million for picking Beanie "Turf Toe" Wells, CJ "Kick returner" Spiller and Michael "if it was the holdout, shouldn't he be good by now" Crabtree, in much the same way that McCain may have blown the election with his choice of a running mate.
So who will win it all? In the Canes Division it looks like all Republicans - Reagan, Jeb Bush and McCain (Sprockets, Kumar/Camels and Turd). In the Quakes Division, it's Obama '08 vs Obama '12 vs Romney (the Fatties, Semi-P and Wombats)! I guarantee it (or else I'll make another prediction later which may or may not be more accurate)!
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