There are very few sequels that should have ever been made. Here are a some of them, set to the possibly recognizable tune of the Watchdog's Week Two Review.
RGIII!!! In 3D!!! We have a new leader in the Wilt Chamberlain Title race and it's Dale's Doormats! Given the hype machine that exists in today's hype-y machine-y world, it might be tempting to lay all the credit for DD's success at Griffin's feet (and arm). But that would be disingenuous. In Coach Dale's pre-game speachifying, he encouraged "Everybody scores today!" And they did, all except Fleener. If the Doormats had any depth at RB, they'd be a lock for the playoffs. As it is, in the immortal words of Butch and Sundance "these guys are good." The Sprockets, to quote Ty Webb, "you, you're not good." How long will they go with KC D (1 point total in 2 games)? When will the real Aaron Rodgers show up? How long will Aaron Hernandez be out? Tune in next week when we answer these and many other important questions!
In Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise, the nerds score with all kinds of chicks on Spring Break. It is a measure of how far Eli has come as a QB that while watching him throw for his three picks, which led directly to 21 points for the opposition, I was chalking it up to "one of those days" and figured "he'll get 'em next week". A long way from what I used to think when this sort of thing would happen, "Remind me again how many draft picks we gave up to get this bozo?" As it turns out, he got 'em not "next week", but in the second half. By Eli's calculations, he threw for an NFL record 610 yards, if you count the interception return yards. In any case, he and Reggie Bush nearly outscored the Camel Jockeys by themselves as the Red Bandits cruzed to victor-y! Well, at least Cruz showed up this week, but unfortunately for the Jox, Eli threw to Nicks and others at least as much as he did VC, so advantage Bandits there. McFadden and Greene were essentially no-shows though their Saints' RBs both were in double digits on the bench. Will Coach Haas get his guys to walk a mile for these Camels?
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Arizona. Poor Larry Fitzgerald. You know those kids in the Jaws movies and you think "why would they go swimming? Get out of there!" That was the same thought I had when Larry signed a long-term deal with the Cards. Semi-P was just whelming enough this week, nosing out Pep and Cheez with Larry Fitzgerald going for 4 receiving yards for the 2-0 Cardinals. Pizza the Hut got good special teams and not much else. Semi-P did improve to 2-0 as well, but Vegas is taking odds on either the Cards or Semi-P finishing the season over .500.
Was there ever a more appropriate sequel name than "Die Hard 2: Die Harder"? In it, our hero overcomes terrorists (again) holding an entire airport hostage (again) with the help of the fat black cop (again) despite the fact that the fat black cop is on the other side of the country, and of course it all comes together at the last possible moment. I tell you that story to tell you this one: it's Sunday at 3:51PM and the email comes across from Team Brokerage, "drop Bills D and pick up Dante Rosario". The commish says "Sorry, Bills D have already played, and it's now 4:15 PM, you have to drop someone who hasn't played yet." Our heros are cool under pressure: "Drop 49ers D." Rosario has just 4 catches, but only one of the 4 doesn't go for a TD and Brokerage comes through with a big win against the vile terrorists from Dunder Mifflin (work with me here). But at what cost? Their feet are all cut up, they're covered in blood and now they have to chose between Oakland and Buffalo D! The horror! Stay tuned for Live Free or Die Hard! A quick shout out to Dunder Mifflin's colorful tight end, Burnin' Vernon Davis. You may recall last week's ill-advised slam dunk attempt. This week he opted for the fade-away jumper. To quote John McLain: "I'm getting too old for this s(tuff)!"
Was there ever a less appropriate sequel name than "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare" which unfortunately was the 6th of the 9 nightmares? For the rest of us, CJ Spiller is Freddy Kruger. For the Turd, they were led by the "glorified punt returner", who has a frightening yards per carry so far this year of an average punt returner's yards per return: 29 carries for 292 yards. I'm no Norman Einstein but I think that comes out to a bit more than 10 yards per tote. With Brees, McGaheehee and of course Knowshown Moreno, the Turd is truly a nightmare on any street.
If "Miss Congeniality" is one of those movies you'd never want to admit you like, what does that make "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous"? That would make it Peyton Manning - coming back when most thought he never should have, and yes he is armed, and yes, he is fabulous. And like Armed and Fabulous, getting married seems to have addled Coach Eickhorst's brain, as when Steven Jackson went down with a groin, IT eschewed obfusicity and conventional fantasy wisdom by electing not to pick up Jackson's backup, but standing pat on Isaiah Pead (that's his real name), a man with limp-damaged hair who hasn't actually touched the ball on offense this season, but a fireball nonetheless. In any case, Manning overcame an NFL record four turnovers in one quarter to lead IT to a sterling 9-point win as Natural Disaster lived up to the billing of it's sequel - Natural Disaster 2 - this time the Asteroid hits, wiping out Hakeem Nicks and Brent Celek. The good news for ND fans, Natural Disaster 3 - the Glacier Attacks is coming soon and ND's bench had enough to win the game outright despite having three guys get caught directly under the asteroid.
In Star Wars II - Attack of the Clones, we finally got to the point where we could safely say "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" As if Jar Jar Binx wasn't enough to do it in Part I - Killer Clones from Outer Space. But for the Wombats, the question of the season is, who cloned Chris Johnson and what did they do with the real guy? In two games this season, he has 21 yards on 19 carries. After predicting he would lead the league in rushing early in the off-season, we're saying the same thing to him as to George Lucas - please just stop. At least they have Alfred the Butler Morris and Marshawn "Dewey" Lynch. I can suggest here, however, that for CJ2K to reach his goal, he be allowed to carry the ball 2000 times this year - that might just do it.
RGIII!!! In 3D!!! We have a new leader in the Wilt Chamberlain Title race and it's Dale's Doormats! Given the hype machine that exists in today's hype-y machine-y world, it might be tempting to lay all the credit for DD's success at Griffin's feet (and arm). But that would be disingenuous. In Coach Dale's pre-game speachifying, he encouraged "Everybody scores today!" And they did, all except Fleener. If the Doormats had any depth at RB, they'd be a lock for the playoffs. As it is, in the immortal words of Butch and Sundance "these guys are good." The Sprockets, to quote Ty Webb, "you, you're not good." How long will they go with KC D (1 point total in 2 games)? When will the real Aaron Rodgers show up? How long will Aaron Hernandez be out? Tune in next week when we answer these and many other important questions!
In Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise, the nerds score with all kinds of chicks on Spring Break. It is a measure of how far Eli has come as a QB that while watching him throw for his three picks, which led directly to 21 points for the opposition, I was chalking it up to "one of those days" and figured "he'll get 'em next week". A long way from what I used to think when this sort of thing would happen, "Remind me again how many draft picks we gave up to get this bozo?" As it turns out, he got 'em not "next week", but in the second half. By Eli's calculations, he threw for an NFL record 610 yards, if you count the interception return yards. In any case, he and Reggie Bush nearly outscored the Camel Jockeys by themselves as the Red Bandits cruzed to victor-y! Well, at least Cruz showed up this week, but unfortunately for the Jox, Eli threw to Nicks and others at least as much as he did VC, so advantage Bandits there. McFadden and Greene were essentially no-shows though their Saints' RBs both were in double digits on the bench. Will Coach Haas get his guys to walk a mile for these Camels? 
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Arizona. Poor Larry Fitzgerald. You know those kids in the Jaws movies and you think "why would they go swimming? Get out of there!" That was the same thought I had when Larry signed a long-term deal with the Cards. Semi-P was just whelming enough this week, nosing out Pep and Cheez with Larry Fitzgerald going for 4 receiving yards for the 2-0 Cardinals. Pizza the Hut got good special teams and not much else. Semi-P did improve to 2-0 as well, but Vegas is taking odds on either the Cards or Semi-P finishing the season over .500. 
Was there ever a more appropriate sequel name than "Die Hard 2: Die Harder"? In it, our hero overcomes terrorists (again) holding an entire airport hostage (again) with the help of the fat black cop (again) despite the fact that the fat black cop is on the other side of the country, and of course it all comes together at the last possible moment. I tell you that story to tell you this one: it's Sunday at 3:51PM and the email comes across from Team Brokerage, "drop Bills D and pick up Dante Rosario". The commish says "Sorry, Bills D have already played, and it's now 4:15 PM, you have to drop someone who hasn't played yet." Our heros are cool under pressure: "Drop 49ers D." Rosario has just 4 catches, but only one of the 4 doesn't go for a TD and Brokerage comes through with a big win against the vile terrorists from Dunder Mifflin (work with me here). But at what cost? Their feet are all cut up, they're covered in blood and now they have to chose between Oakland and Buffalo D! The horror! Stay tuned for Live Free or Die Hard! A quick shout out to Dunder Mifflin's colorful tight end, Burnin' Vernon Davis. You may recall last week's ill-advised slam dunk attempt. This week he opted for the fade-away jumper. To quote John McLain: "I'm getting too old for this s(tuff)!"
Was there ever a less appropriate sequel name than "Freddy's Dead: the Final Nightmare" which unfortunately was the 6th of the 9 nightmares? For the rest of us, CJ Spiller is Freddy Kruger. For the Turd, they were led by the "glorified punt returner", who has a frightening yards per carry so far this year of an average punt returner's yards per return: 29 carries for 292 yards. I'm no Norman Einstein but I think that comes out to a bit more than 10 yards per tote. With Brees, McGaheehee and of course Knowshown Moreno, the Turd is truly a nightmare on any street.
In Star Wars II - Attack of the Clones, we finally got to the point where we could safely say "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!" As if Jar Jar Binx wasn't enough to do it in Part I - Killer Clones from Outer Space. But for the Wombats, the question of the season is, who cloned Chris Johnson and what did they do with the real guy? In two games this season, he has 21 yards on 19 carries. After predicting he would lead the league in rushing early in the off-season, we're saying the same thing to him as to George Lucas - please just stop. At least they have Alfred the Butler Morris and Marshawn "Dewey" Lynch. I can suggest here, however, that for CJ2K to reach his goal, he be allowed to carry the ball 2000 times this year - that might just do it.
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