Watchdog - Playoff Week 1

In order to get into the spirit of the season a bit more, it is time once again for the first time ever to unveil the Watchdog's Shakespearean Insult edition.  Now there are websites where you can order up a Shakespearean insult like it's a Chinese Menu, simply picking one word from Column A, 2 and III such as "thou goatish onion-eyed miscreant" or "thou yeasty fen-sucked strumpet".  These however are actual insults from the Bard hisself.  And if we bloggers have offended, think but this and all is mended, that you have but slumber'd here when you shouldst have been working, and this weak and idle theme your time was jerking.

There's no more faith in thee than a stew'd prune (Henry V) For Dale's Doormats, they plunge once more into the breach, withstanding the assault of the Patriots, and fortunately the lesser assault of Justin Forsett, to hold onto a 9-point win.  And thankest they largely Kirk Cousins, on whom may rest their fortunes next week 'gainst the Garnets of Semi-P shouldst the knee of RGIII prove weaker than bowels after eating stew'd prunes.  Or will the DDs pick Kaepernick should Jr-Jr prove sick? 

That swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack...that Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly (Henry IV Part 1)  Now I have no idea what a Manningtree ox is, nor what he'd be doing with pudding in his belly, but apparently the Bard had trouble with Eli as an elite quarterback as well.  Is it the QB's fault if a receiver is a swollen parcel of dropsies?  Is it his fault if he is a huge bombard of sack?  Well, we mayst never know, but the Red Bandits hath reversed their previous error, having lost five of their last half dozen, whilst scoring a mere three score and six in each contest.  This week, with pudding in their bellies (mayhap from the wedding reception), the didst nearly double that output, and thankest they Eli and the stout defense of Seattle, which wast the second highest scoring "player" this week, with a pick-six, four INTs, four fumbles recovered, three sacks and a shutout of hapless Arizona.  And so the Bandits will sally forth and face the Turd of Hundering in the Enchilada semi-finals.

Pray you, stand farther from me (Antony and Cleopatra) the Sprockets may well say this to the Watchdog after last week's comment that they could keep Rodgers and Brown for $55 next year and have a beavy of picks, those two beheamoths combine for 15 points with Brown rushing a full dozen times for half a dozen yards, an effort that even CJ2.0 would be embarrassed by.  And yet, with Shonne Greene, Mike Wallace, Anquan Boldin! Aaron Hernandez, Lawrence Tynes and Cleveland D all hitting double-digits, they put up 107 and since trading Marshawn Lynch and DeMarco Murray before week 8, they have won 4 of their last 7, including averaging 98 points over their last 3.  If only the Watchdog would refrain from saying nice things about them and coming over and talking with them, spreading their stink!  Well Sprockets, you've been sprayed! 

Four of his five wits went halting off and now is the whole man governed with one (Much Ado About Nothing) the Dundies had been on a similar run to what the Sprockets now find themselves on which of.  (Since we are using and abusing the Queen's English here, and as one may not end a sentence with a preposition, I thoughtst to use three and thereby nullify that rule with the little-known triple-negative preposition proposition.  So there.)  The Dundies were also 1-8 before unexpectedly going on a four-game tear, also averaging 98 points per game, before unexpectedly crashing back to earth and realizing that "oh yeah, there was a reason we were 1-8."  Actually, I can find little reason for either their strange run of success or their long run of failure.  Stafford threw for 5000 yards last year and has a chance of doing so again this year (he has 4006 with three games to play).  Stevan Ridley, believe it or not, has 1082 yards and 10 TDs on the season.  Mikel Leshoure, Worldwide Wes Welker, Andre Johnson are all solid.  Tony Gonzalez at TE is second in the NFL behind Gronk.  Stephen Gostkowski is second behind Lawrence Tynes at K.  Pitt D (27th) and Atlanta D (13th) have disappointed, but the difference between Atlanta and Denver (3rd in D) is less than 2 points per game. 

Let's meet at little as we can (As You Like It)  Team Brokerage put up a fine effort, all the better if they'd picked Foles instead of Freeman, but even then, 99 would have fallen victim to the aforementioned Eli / Seahawk combination.  And so Coach Lubert mayst state that he'd hope the Seahawks and Cardinals wouldst meet as little as they can.  And betwixt Brokerage, Natural Disaster and the Camel Jockeys, we have clearly demonstrated the perils of trading future draft picks for a chance at glory unending.  At least the Jox are still alive in the Toilet Bowl. 

No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip, she is spherical...I could find countries in her (The Comedy of Errors)  This one seems fairly close to ebonics, or a 16th century version thereof, and couldst apply only to the Fatties.  The rash of wrongs to their running backs sank their season swiftly, being forced to find Forsett or Tate instead of MJD or Jennings.  And so teams touting Brady, Brees, Newton and Stafford are all home for the holidays whilst Romo, Daulton, Rivers and Ryan all play on.  The big difference in the game was clearly at RB, with Dale getting 31 from his and the Fatties getting 10 from theirs.  The gift TD that Stafford handed the Packers' D did not help, but without it, DD would have still had a 1-point margin. 

She hath more hair than wit and more faults than hairs (Two Gentlemen of Verona) Not sure if this works out to an insult for a bald guy or not, but a team wrecked on the rock of injuries was the Camel Jockies, a team picked by this pundit to waylay the league, but one that averaged just 69 points per game and only once broke 82 during the season of course put up 115 in round one of the Toilet Bowl, needing every point the way this sentence so desperately needs a period as their opponent, Team Gump, put up 110.  We witnessed Philip Rivers throw three scores for the third time this season, Darren McFadden dipped into double-digits for the fifth time, Marshawn Lynch maurauded the Cardinals, Cruz and Danario combined for 38. 

I can hardly forbear hurling things at him (Twelfth Night) Ah, Team Gump, 110 points in a losing effort and only David Akers to blame (or Coach Fred?).  If only they'd started Steven "Gesundheit" Hauschka at kickker instead, they'd have a chance to follow their Enchilada Championship with a Toilet Bowl Championship today, following in the footsteps of the Red Bandits.  But though they alertly benched Andrew Luck in favor of Cam Newton, somehow got 100 yards and a TD from Brandon Gibson and got their full effort from Dennis Pitta (you might say they were Pitta-full), they nonetheless fell short, and now will we quoth "taken" nevermore (at least until next season). 

Watch out he's winding the watch of his wit, by and by it will strike (The Tempest) - a bonus insult, apply it to Semi-P or the Turd if you like as they wind their teams up during their bye weeks.

There's small choice in rotten apples (Taming of the Shrew) Pep & Cheez found how true this is in having to pick between Matt Schaub and Russell Wilson (15 points each), though they did have better choices at RB (Dwyer 4 points, DeAngelo Williams 16, Darren Sproles 19) and D (Arizona 3, St. Louis 12).  Sub in any of those three and it'd have been more than enough to overcome the 2-point deficit they ended with against I/T.  And so ends another season for Pep & Cheez, overcome by Schaub and Wilson's effectiveness as a NFL QBs (11-2 and 8-5 teams respectively) but uselessness as fantasy QBs (16th and 22nd overall).  One can abide such putrid performance as one might abide a puking swag-bellied foot-licker (OK one extra made-up insult), provided one has a wealth of backs and receivers, but only Jamaal Charles showed up this season.  Maclin, Bryant and Pitt RBs were too inconsistent, and Sproles was injured too much to overcome. 

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee (All's Well That Ends Well) Did I/T use this game as a Milton Berle, taking out just enough to beat Pep & Cheez?  With Peyton, 4th in fantasy QB points, putting up another 300-yard game but only 1 score, that was all the Broncos needed and all I/T needed.  Getting the ball into the end zone a few times made all the difference, with Richardson and Jackson combining for three 1-yard TDs.  And I/T plays on. 

Away you three inch fool! (Taming of the Shrew) Ah, how sweet a win for the Wombats of Walla Walla, fleecing the Disasters for a first-round pick and then picking them off in round one of the playoffs (Toilet Bowl, that is).  Strangely, Chris Johnson did not again take his vengeance on the Disasters (and yes, we're plural now, as we have proven to be disasterous again and again) as I thought he would for the whole CJ2.0 kerfuffle earlier this season.  But Alfred Morris, Reggie Wayne and Eli Manning (and his pick-six gift to the Saints' D) combined to do in the Disasters, and the Wombats cry "Away, ye unmanly men!"  (Who knew Shakespeare could be so bawdy?)

Beg that thou may have leave to hang thyself (Merchant of Venice) And for the fifth time in six losses, the Natural Disasters leave the winning points on the bench, this time in the person of second round pick Brandon Lloyd.  After inexplicably dropping Kyle Rudolph, the Disasters scrambled to find any tight end that might produce points and settled on Pettigrew.  Unbeknownst to the Disasters' "braintrust", the Lions had decided to essentially bench Pettigrew in favor of a sixth lineman to provide Stafford extra protection and in the half-dozen plays he was on the field for, he managed to injure himself.  Fortunately, the other half-score tight ends they also considered also produced nary a point.  However, the revolving door at kicker produced some added angst as no fewer than 9 free agent booters would have given enough points for a win, three of whom had been Disasters at one point during the season. 

I do repent the tedious minutes with her I have spent (A Midsummer Night's Dream) Hopefully this one does not apply to your reading of this column, but nonetheless, should any of you have taken offense at anything herein, consider yourselves mere froward, clapper-clawed flap-dragons and all will be well.