Jump for joy! End of the world averted! I think we can all offer up a big thank you to Coaches Weryk and Tyburski for helping to short circuit this whole Mayan thing. I don't think any of us really were ready for Semi-P as PCFFL champions any more than we were ready to see Abba in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame or to order a McRib. In one of the more memorable fantasy games in PCFFL history, the Bandits did indeed somehow come through with their fifth straight time winning at least some money out of five tries. You can call Fantasy Football "pure luck" as I have often in this space, and will again further down in this article, but good owners make their own luck. "Luck is the residue of design" as the late great Howard Cosell liked to remind us (some attribute this quote to Branch Rickey, though if you Google it, John Milton may have also said it - so there). When examining the career of the Red Bandits, I am reminded of that of one Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, born on the 3rd of July, 50 years ago. Why, you might ask? (Or you might not, I suppose...) They're both a little short, a little controversial, undeniably successful and a little too handsome.
So what the heck just happened? How did a kid actor go from a bit part in "Endless Love" to minor roles in "Taps" and "The Outsiders" to a first starring role was as "Woody" in "Losin' It" which sounds like a Skinemax flick - how did this actor suddenly rip off Risky Business, All The Right Moves, (Legend) and Top Gun? Not to mention then starring opposite Paul Newman in the 30-years later sequel to The Hustler??? As Branch Milton would tell you, "Luck is the residue of having great teeth." How did a team that went 7-6 in the regular season and finished 12th out of 14 in points scored win their last three games and stumble into their second Enchilada Championship in four years? Looking at their team and their draft yields few clues. They drafted both New York QBs, with Eli finishing 23rd in fantasy points and Sanchez finishing 30th. LeSean McCoy finished 10th in average points per game and was passable when he was healthy. Reggie Bush finished 18th in ppg. Bilal Powel was their next best RB at 50th in ppg. Julio Jones was clearly their best player, finishing 6th in total points among WRs. Pierre Garcon was their next best WR at 26th in ppg. Jason Witten provided excellent value at TE, particularly after getting over having his spleen ripped from his belly. Over his last 12 games, Witten averaged a bit over 8.1 ppg, good for 5th best over that time period. Janikowski was the 10th-best kicker in the league, ostensibly an alert free agent pick-up, though the guy they drafted at kicker, Matt Prater, finished 8th (oops). And the mighty Seattle D, finished 5th in fantasy points, though over the last 7 weeks they were second. So with that awesome performance, they must have made a few astute waiver pickups right? Umm... apparently Janikowski was their best pickup, except perhaps Powell. Picked up Beanie Wells in week 2, cut him in week 4. Picked up Daryl Richardson, Shaun Draughn, Cedrick Peerman, dropped Draughn and Peerman a few weeks later in favor of Montario Hardesty and Josh Gordon. Hardesty was then cut 4 weeks later. Picked up Vikings D and dropped them for Jets D, dropped second-round draft pick Peyton Hillis for Lance Dunbar. Their regular season record over the last 4 years is 27-25. Their post-season record is 11-1. To answer the Tom Cruise questions at the start of this paragraph, one must assume that Coach Marcin has a little Raymond Babbitt in him - he's a good driver, and excellent driver. Other than Rain Man, A Few Good Men and the early movies he had small parts in (Taps and Outsiders were both very good), it would be fair to say that the Mission: Impossible films are probably Cruise's most "important" works, whatever that means. But what he has been consistently good at is making money - his movies have made over $3Billion in the last 31 years. Just like the Bandits, relatively speaking.
What about the game itself? Like "Rock of Ages" the Enchilada Bowl did not disappoint. Of course, you have to set your expectations properly for both. "Rock" looked goofy to begin with. Enchilada looked goofy but for different reasons. Before the games even started, the Bandits scored a victory of sorts when Gronkowski did not travel with the rest of the Pats down to Jacksonville, meaning Semi-P would have to rely on Martellus Bennett for the fifth straight week. (By a strange coincidence, Semi-P would end up losing 4 of those 5 games.) The Saturday Night game went decidedly in Semi-P's favor with Matt Ryan throwing for 279 yards and 4 TDs, and only one of those scores going to Julio Jones. 37-13 after the first game of the week. Back and forth they went, with Reggie the Vacator putting up the third-best game of his 7-year NFL career and only the second time he has scored more than 2 TDs in a game (indeed he's only scored two TDs in a game 8 times, plus three this week and four back on 12/3/06). With LeSean McCoy returning from concussion after missing the previous four weeks, that meant the Bandits got his 11 points instead of Powell's 3. Semi-P finally, after a season of being berated in this space, benched Larry Fitzgerald in favor of Cecil Shorts, only to see Shorts' game cut short by a concussion of his own (who else's would it be?) while Fitzy went for eleventy-one yards, a 6-point swing. As the 1PM games wound to a finish, Semi-P held a 3-point lead after Miles Austin caught a game-tying TD (for the Cowboys) when suddenly Eli emerged briefly from his season long slop through the mire to get a garbage-time TD and the Bandits went into the Sunday Night game ahead by 3 with Frank Gore going against Seattle D. Seattle D smothered the Niners for most of the game but tallied only one sack and one fumble as the clock started ticking down in the fourth quarter. The previous time SF played the Seahawks, Gore got 16 carries for 131 yards. This time he got a mere 6 carries for 28 yards. Even so, Semi-P trailed by just 10 points when Gore broke free momentarily inside Seattle's 5 with one man to beat. If he had managed to run over, around or through that player, Semi-P would have seen a 10-point swing - 7 from Gore for their tally with the Bandits losing 3 from allowing the TD. But the tackle was made and when Kaepernick threw an interception two plays later and the Enchilada was once again headed for the Red Bandits' trophy shelf, so to speak. Unfortunately for Cruise, the only trophy "Rock of Ages" might produce is a Razzie. Stay tuned!
Perhaps my favorite Cruise movie, or at least the most under-rated one, is the Last Samuri. Yes, it's about 45 minutes too long, and yes Cruise plays himself in it again. But Ken Wantanabe is in it too. I'm looking forward to a Wantanabe/Don Cheadle/Lou Diamond Philips buddy movie someday. But I digress. Or was that "regress"? Egress? Anyway, for Semi-P, their buddy movie starring Gore/Peterson did well in the box office, but flopped come awards ceremony time, so to speak. "All Day" Peterson still finished 35 points clear of second place as the best RB in fantasy this season. He had been averaging 188 yards per game over the previous 8 weeks, a pace that would put him at 3008 yards for a full season. The first 6 weeks of the season he averaged fantasy 11.83 ppg. Over the next 8, he averaged 24.28. When the spit hit the spam, he managed just 82 yards and no TDs. In the entire season, his low game was 8 and he scored under 12 just three times, counting the Enchilada. Gore finished 12th best in the league in RB ppg, but again managed just 2 in the Enchilada. His previous low for the season was 5 and he had at least 11 in 10 of 15 weeks. Ryan finished 6th among QBs in fantasy ppg. Shorts finished 17th and Austin 24th in WR ppg while Fitzgerald finished 41st (behind Brian Hartline, Golden Tate and teammate Andre Roberts among many others). Gronkowski missed the last 5 weeks and still finished tied in total points among TEs. Chicago Kickers combined to finish 17th, which is really inexcusable when many teams carried only one and two kickers who finished above that level finished the season as free agents. They did make an alert pickup of San Diego D who put up 15 points against the hapless Jets. And grabbing Cecil Shorts was one of the better pickups made by anyone all season, even if one of the few weeks he made the starting lineup he nearly cost Semi-P the title. With no trades and only a handful of waiver moves, Semi-P can point to a strong draft, with Ryan for $20, Peterson for $35, Gronkowski kept at $15, Gore in the first round, Austin in the second, Sidney Rice in the fourth. Both Ryan and Peterson are potential keepers for 2013, so Semi-P looks like a strong candidate for a return to the Title Game. Word has it, t-shirts reading "Unfinished Business" have been printed and distributed to the team and coaches.
Speaking of unfinished business, Tom Cruise has apparently agreed to star in Mission Impossible 5, though the guy in white in the picture here might have spared us that fate. Dale's Doormats have unfinished business as well - they would have tied the Red Bandits had they not been dropped out of their own window in the semi-final round by Semi-P. Their Constipation win over the Hundering Turd was over shortly after kickoff, even with Arian Foster leaving the game early due to heart problems after scoring only 2 points. Doug Martin, Griffin Jr-Jr, Mike Williams, Demaryius Thomas, Matt Prater and Packers D all put up 10+. And while the Turd got 10+ from most of their guys too, the goose-eggs by Hakeem Nicks and Giants D and 2-point effort from Owen Daniels yielded a 29-point loss. Despite spending $38 on Thomas, this was easily the best performance by Dale's Doormats in the draft in recent memory, with Jr-Jr, SF QBs, Foster, Martin, Jacquizz Rogers, Bowe, Moss, Williams, GB K and D. Throw in an alert (lucky?) pickup of Brandon Myers, who finished 12th in TE scoring despite totalling 2 points in the last 3 weeks and it's easy to see how DD won the Chamberlain title.
Picking Cruise's worst movie ever is hard to do. In the same way that only a couple stand out as being excellent, few were unwatchable. Vanilla Sky, Knight and Day, Eyes Wide Shut, Cocktail. I bring that up because it's time to talk about the Turd. For the Turd, they somehow managed to win 9 games despite the Brees trade. Spiller and Forte were both top 15 RBs despite missing time to injuries. Cincy QBs were strong enough, finishing 12th in the league. Vincent Jackson finished 6th in WR points and Crabtree 19th. One cannot help but wonder how the season might have unfolded for the Turd with Brees (#1 overall) and Colston (12th in WR points). Simply substituting Brees for Dalton and Colston for Nicks would have given the Turd wins both last week and this week... "Ouch" comes to mind. I guess I'd pick Eyes Wide Shut, if I had to. Vanilla Sky might have "won" if Cruise had done his own stunts in this scene...
In the Toilet Bowl, congratulations must be sent out to the Walla Walla Wombats, who pulled away from another nip and tuck game to win by 25 over the surprising Sprockets. The Wombats got 40 from Romo, who bested 25 points for the 6th time this season putting up 20 points in the 4th quarter and OT. They also got a combined 32 from Wayne and Decker, where the Sprockets got just 2 points total from Wallace, Amendola and Aaron Hernandez. Sprockets got 38 from Rodgers, 19 from Shonn Greene and 16 from the Colts D, but little else, totalling 83 points. For the Sprockets, it was perhaps Rodgers' uneven season that did them in. He finished 2nd overall in points, but had 8 games with 29+ and 7 games with 21 or fewer. Comparitively, Brees had 9 games with 29 or more, but only one game under 20. DeMarco Murray's injury didn't help, nor did Mike Wallace and Anquan Boldin's underwhelming seasons. Interesting or not, the Wombats' bench had 85 points, despite two players with a DNP. Lance "Code Red" Kendricks (seen here) even put up a career best 119 yards and a TD. CJ2.0 reverted to form with 11 carries for 28 yards - other than the 122 and TD he put up against the Jets last week, he totalled 15 points in three of his last 4 games. For the Wombats, the season rested squarely on the shoulders of Romo. In the first 10 games, he had just 3 scores above 22 and none above 31. In the last 5 he's averaged 29.8 with only one stinker (16 against Cincy in week 14) with an average of 353 yards passing and 13 TD passes total. If Romo had shown up in the first half of the season, even with trading Lynch for Calvin Johnson, the Wombats might have made a run. Wayne and Decker, Alfred Morris and CJ2.0, Jermichael Finley - all were solid if not spectacular. Which brings us back to Cruise's box office take - $3Billion in 33 pictures, but the highest grossing Cruise movie ever was? War of the Worlds. And suddenly we're back to the Apocolypse. See that? It all comes full circle...
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