GOOOOOOD MORNING PCFFL! Hey, this is not a test. This is rock and roll. Time to rock it from week 13 to the Enchilada Bowl! Is that me, or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie? Viva Enchilada. Oh, viva, Enchilada. Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late. It's 0600 What's the "0" stand for? Oh, my God, it's early. And while it may be early, for some teams here in the PCFFL, it's too late. Let's go out to the field here today and check and see how the Enchilada Playoffs and Toilet Bowl are shaping up.
Hey, uh, hi. Can you help me? What's your name? "My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt." Roosevelt, what town are you stationed in?. "I'm stationed in Poontang." Well, thank you, Roosevelt. How's Team Gump playing out there? "They're hot. Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking." Well, can you tell me how they're playing? "Fool, they're hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? They're damn hot! I saw - They're so damn hot, I saw that little QB in New Orleans just burst into flames. They're that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about?" What do you think it's going to be like in the Enchilada? "They gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but it ain't no good if you're playing against Team Gump." Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song coming your way right now. "Nowhere To Run To" by Martha and the Vandellas. Yes!
And in other news, the Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is it a large woman that says "Don't go near there! Don't go down by the river!" No we can't say "dyke on the air, we can't even say 'lesbian' anymore, it's 'women in comfortable shoes'." And while There is an I in I/R protected their playoff chances this week, they needed help from the same Sprockets team that beat them 65-51 in week 12. Going into last night's game against Pep & Cheez, the Sprockets were down 30 with just MJD left. By halftime, MJD had 120 yards from scrimmage and a TD. Could he get 12 more points in the second half? Alas, he came up short and Coach Eickhorst is left to wonder what might have happened had he accepted any of Natural Disaster's 26 trade offers for Andre Johnson instead of taking the 11 combined points he put up the last two weeks (total).
So Pep & Cheez wins the Wilt scoring title and yet makes the playoffs by a mere 6 points. Let's see who else is in. Roosevelt can you help us out? "Watchdog, don't even come here now, I'm with somebody." Well can you tell me who's in the Enchilada? "I told you, I'm trying to score some myself here, back off!" Well, I guess we're going to have to go out to NBC Sports and Bob Costas. Bob? "I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was. Natural Disaster is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty the Enchilada. With a bye this week, they have a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, they're hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut." Thanks Bob. I'm not sure if that works out to a compliment or not.
Here's a little advice: Never eat in a Vietnamese restaurant next to a pound. Speaking of dogs, Semi-P was stuck picking between Rex Grossman, Caleb Hanie and Sam Bradford at QB. When Calvin Johnson got double-teamed for the entire game, even when the Saints' offense was on the field, it became apparent they just didn't have enough. "You know if you pick 'em up by the ears, it don't hurt 'em." So Semi-P is in the Toilet Bowl. "Oh you're going straight to hell for that one!"
Hey, we're back. That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin In The Wind." A team that was breaking wind this week? That would be Dunder Mifflin, who is the only team to make the Enchilada with a losing record, and yet was the only team in the Canes Division to come within 150 points of the Wilt-winning Pep & Cheez in total scoring. So even as Steve Smith and Wes Welker have disappeared, Chris Johson and Willis McGahee have emerged, with CJ2K scoring 19 or more in 3 of the last 4, and McGahee putting up his league-leading 6th 100-yard game. A major part of the Broncos' miracle season, McGahee has a chance to become just the 13th back to rush for more than 1200 yards at 30+ years old. When you remember how his college career ended, his 7053 career yards rushing is miraculous in itself. Strangely, McGahee has only topped 1200 yards two times in 8 previous seasons with a high of 1247 six years ago, back when this league was still the ARFFL.
Here's a little quiz: What is the difference between the Cub Scouts and the military? Bzzzzzt! Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery! And what's the difference between Team Brokerage and the Red Bandits? Two points and two wins. That's right, the Red Bandits, with their heavy artillery, went 7-6 on the season and clinched the second seed in the Canes Division by losing 71-70 to perrenial Toilet Bowl contestant Dale's Doormats. They finished the season with exactly two more points scored than Team Brokerage, who finished 5-8 and needing a minor miracle to make the Enchilada. In the end, they fell 53 points short.
Thank you for the lovely tune, that funky music will drive us till the dawn. Let's go, let's bugaloo till we puke! Speaking of bugaloo, the Walla Walla Wombats won 6 of their last 7, scoring over 96 points in five of those games, but miss out on the Quakes Division title by the points scored tie-breaker and, strangely enough, by virtue of their week 11 loss to - the Sprockets! So that's two big wins the Sprockets had in the last three weeks, and nearly a third had MJD found the end zone one more time. This week, the Wombats got 90 points from the first four guys in their lineup, which by themselves would have been enough to beat 10 of the teams in the league this week and was easily enough for their second weekly high points total of the season.
Watchdog: Okay, if someone is not telling the truth, you say that they are full of...Toilet Bowl teams: Shit!
Watchdog: If someone has made you angry or angrier, they have...
Toilet Bowl teams: Pissed me off!
So who are the Toilet Bowl teams? As always, it's the bottom four teams in each division, with the first tie-breaker being total points scored. So Tim & Kumar will play I in I/R and Dales Doormats will play the Fatties on one side of the brackets. The Sprockets will play Semi-P and the Turd will play Team Brokerage on the other side of the brackets. For tie-breaker in the playoffs, each team designates three bench players. A team that fails to designate their tie-breaking players will automatically lose the tie-breaker. If the tie-breaker fails to break the tie, the team that had the better regular season finish advances.
How about we check in with Nostramoosus for a prediction on the Enchilada playoffs? Nostramoosus? "Watchdog? I know the Watchdog personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a good, close personal friend." Thanks Nostramoosus. This is the Watchdog here. "Ah. Then my prediction is that the Wombats will play Pep & Cheez and Dunder Mifflin will play the Red Bandits, with the winners advancing to the semi-finals." Ah, putting the "anal" back into "analysis". Thanks very much!
No comments:
Post a Comment