Watchdog - Van Buren Boys Edition

"Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman." The fantasy football season we've had to date has been a Bizzarro World of sorts. We have four teams now who have had over 700 points scored against them, the lowest of those (Sprockets) averaging 89 points against per week. On the flip side, four teams have had less than 630 points scored against them, less than 78 ppg, with Natural Disaster having had just 72 points per game scored against. I predict here and now by the end of the season it will be like when George got his job with the Yankees by doing the opposite of his natural instinct, Elaine got fired from her job and evicted from her apartment, while Jerry kept having everything come out even-Steven, to the point that George threw $20 out the window only to have Jerry find a $20 in his pocket. My point, and I do have one, is that these things tend to even out. We'll see - will it be Bizzarro World all season? Or will it be Even-Steven?

"It's like my brain is playing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win." When Jerry is trying to break up with vapid bimbo Tawny Kitaen, it's just like those players you draft every year, the fantasy football kryptonite. The guy you know never plays well when he's on your team, but you just can't help it. For There is an I in I/R, it has to be Andre Johnson, the amazingly talented WR who seems to get injured every year. Still, I/R survived Aaron Rodgers' bye week even in a game when they had to start Tebow. At 5-3, it looks like Superman may be ready to save the day.

"You said it would be like a vacation from ourselves."
In my memory, this episode was the one where George announces his porn name would have been 'Buck Naked' but apparently not. Ah well, sometimes these little vacations from reality do a world of good. For instance, Natural Disaster may like to think of themselves like a powerhouse team, but the reality is they're going on five seasons now since getting high points for the week in any week of any season. By comparison, from 2008 to today, every other team in the league has had high points at least once. Interestingly, the Fatties have the most with 8, Dale's Doormats are next with 7.5, followed by Gump and the Sprockets with five weeks leading the league in points. And way down here, you have Natural Disaster who have just one tie (in 2008) in the last four seasons. I bring this up because once again Philip Rivers' inability to do anything but stink has killed ND's chances. Had the bogus pass interference flag on Antonio Gates been kept in the ref's pocket, or Vincent Jackson stumbled into the end zone instead of at the one, or if Rivers could stop throwing the ball to guys in the other color jerseys... but I digress.

Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.

Given up for dead, the Sprockets are 2-6 sure, but they're still swimming, only two games out of a playoff spot with 5 to play. And they've got Kramer, er Karma on their side, having declined to give up MJD and play for next year. With DeMarco Murray, DeSean Jackson, DeSidney Rice and LeDallas Clark, the Sprockets are LaLoaded for an Enchilada run. As long as DaFelix Jones keeps grabbing that hammy...

Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent of A Woman? Who-ah! Who-ah!
The Red Bandits are of course hoping to be able to say to the rest of us "No soup for you!" Going into the showdown with Natural Disaster this week, the two jugger-nots are separated by a mere 2 points scored on the season. The Bandits will almost certainly have Greg Jennings and Beanie Wells back in the lineup and with Dallas having been embarrassed on national TV, Romo and Miles $6-Million Man Austin figure to have a bionic day at home against a shaving-cream-strong Seattle Seahawks' "defense". And if you think I'm trying to put the reverse whammy on the Bandits, well...

Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
I believe this is the first year in history the Wombats do not feature any Eggles. By amazing coincidence, they are 6-2 and gripping that last playoff spot in the Quakes Division like it's a piece of extra crispy from Kenny Rogers Roasters. But like a Russian hat made of rat fur, this doesn't look like it will end well for anyone. They got past the Turd this week, but face a Giants-like schedule coming up: Team Gump this week, then the Bandits, Sprockets, Brokerage and Dunder Mifflin to finish the season. By comparison, the Giants play at New England, at San Fran, home against Philly, at New Orleans, home against Green Bay, at Dallas, get a bye against Washington, at the Jets and home against Dallas to finish the season. I'm thinking both teams will be lucky to finish over .500 much less in the playoffs. Difference is the Wombats can make a trade and have shown they'll give up draft picks to win now.

"He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
Dale's Doormats pick up their second high score of the season, giving them just one win when they don't have high points for the week. Yes, teams playing against them have averaged over 95 points per game and Team Brokerage was without ruth, putting up 98, but it was not enough. Will the Doormats have enough? They trail the Wombats by 3 games with 5 to play. If they had a second RB, they might be dangerous.

"And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular."
Ah, Teri Hatcher. Pep & Cheez got LeSean McCoy's 6th 19+ point effort in 7 games (his other was a mere 10) and added to their lead in the points race. The rest of us can only sympathize with Jerry here. Sure, we'd all like to have natural assets like P&C (or Teri), but they're gone and we're not catching them.

"If there is a woman who can stand your presence for more than five minutes, you should hang onto her like grim death, which is not that far off, I might add."
One might think that Tim & Kumar, still winless on the season, had started to trade off their assets for draft picks in 2012. Certainly Forte, Sproles and Vincent Jackson would seem to have some value. In fact, T&K have officially been eliminated from Enchilada contention, being 6 games out with 5 to play. I believe this is some kind of fantasy football record, so umm, congratulations?

"The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli."
So many great lines in this episode - "Is anyone here a marine biologist?" "Is it a titleist?" But Team Gump knows the pain of watching the mercurial Drew Brees put up 43 fantasy points one week and following it up with 16 the next. And they were angry that day, my friends. Despite getting 9 sacks and a shutout from Buffalo D, when they came face to face with the great fish (Natural Disaster), the outcome was never in doubt. Hole in one.

Is it a 'manzier' or a 'bro'? Not sure they ever decided, but whatever the case, the Fatties could use a little extra support up top. Remember you heard it here first that Tom Brady is washed up this season. After putting up 117 in the first three games, he's put up just 82 in his last four. Sure, at $22 they can't afford to do anything else but keep throwing him out there and hope he plays the Giants or some other weak team soon. What? They play this week? In any case, the Fatties are now 3-5, and same as the Doormats find themselves 3 out with 5 to play. If McFadden was healthy and they weren't starting Ron Helu at RB...

"And you want to be my latex saleman?"
Did you know Mike Shanahan has a worse record coaching the Redskins than Jim Zorn or Steve Spurrier through the same number of games? I mention this because Ryan Torain, in a starting role, had 14 yards rushing for Semi-P. Sure Johnson & Johnson and a healthy Gates and Mendenhall bring no more tears. And while they are one game back of a playoff spot, unfortunately the immutable laws of fantasy football contradict their whole premise (which of course state that any team having to choose between AJ Feeley and Jay Cutler need to have one magic loogy to have any chance at all).

"It's a Festivus Miracle!"
If it's time for the airing of the greivances, it must be time for Team Brokerage. 704 points scored against them, which is 88 per game, works out to 16 more per game against than ND. And while they're currently sitting in the final playoff spot of the Canes Division, at 4-4 and on a 3-game losing streak, they've had five games this season where their opponent scored 89 or more. Further, they were one TD away from making a Festivus Miracle comeback on Monday Night, only to watch Ryan Matthews go down with yet another injury and someone with the unlikely name of Curtis Brinkley get the rushing TD that would have given them the win and high points for the week.

"Because first you cry, then when you see the dancing, you cry again."
I always love the names of the movies the gang goes to see: Agent Zero, Rochelle Rochelle, Brown Eyed Girl, and of course Cry Cry again to name just a few. Did the snowstorm prevent Dunder Mifflin from switching Chicago kickers out of the starting lineup when they were on a bye? We may never know. But the 11 points would have made no difference at all. Those pesky 5-game losing streaks do tend to put a damper on a season though. One might think with a lineup like they have, Dunder would be playoff bound, but when you see Chris Johnson run, you cry, and when you see him lose carries to Javon Ringer, you cry again.

"It's 'Moors' you idiot!" Ah, the Bubble Boy episode. This is hard to do, but the Hundering Turd had exactly one of their reserves score points this week, and that was St. Louis D. Whatever happened to Brandon Jacobs? Hasn't been the same since he threw his helmet into the stands last season. The Law Firm? Has he been Belichek-Mated? Shonn Greene had his first 100-yard game since October 3 last season, so getting him off the bye week should help, but ultimately it'll be like trying to hold off the Moopish Invasion.