Watchdog Week 10 - On the Other Hand

According to Steven Wright, on the other hand, you have different fingers. Let's see if you can spot the Steven Wright "jokes" in this week's Watchdog. I'll give you a hint - anything remotely clever or funny is probably Wright's. Not sure if this will work unless perhaps you can read the entire post in a dull monotone in your head.


With that bit of profundity, let's see what week 10 has to tell us about our futures. Last night, I stayed up late watching the game and playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and five people died. Those that have died (or are mostly dead) are the Turd, Sprockets, Tim & Kumar, Dale's Doormats and the Fatties. If you lost to any of these teams this week, that's like saying that everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Well guys, with three weeks left, time is running out.

As it stands now, the Quakes Division has four teams fighting for three spots. Natural Disaster improved to 9-1 besting the always frisky Sprockets. Sprockets got 41 from their running backs, but Disaster got 53 points from players picked up off waivers including 37 from players picked up last week. As Coach Ingrey said in his post-game comments, "If you shoot a mime, you should always use a silencer."


Pep & Cheez improved to 8-2 with their third high-point effort of the season, but may have lost Matt Schaub for the year with a sprained foot. That leaves them with a choice between Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer, both USC alumni, former Heisman winners, both washed out with their original teams and both fighting to carry Pep & Cheez to the Wilt the Stilt Scoring Title. From Coach Yeager's post-game: "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

The teams with the best three records on the season finished with 110, 109 and 108 points this week. The Wombats ran their record to 8-2 with the 109 point effort, even getting 10 points from Chris Oingoboingo. Of course Marshawn Lynch had 21, giving him 84 in his last 6 starts, but going against the schitzophrenic Ravens' D, who could blame Coach Sharp for benching Lynch. As he said, "If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

That leaves There is an I in I/R as the last team still alive in the Quakes Division. Going into last night's game at 6-3, I/R trailed Team Gump 76-38. Gump had all their players play already, I/R had Aaron Rodgers and James Jones going against the Vikes. If those two guys both hit their projections from the website, I/R would get exactly 39 points and still be in the race, one back with three to play. Jones got one catch for 9 yards. Rodgers got 288 yards passing, 4 TDs and 21 yards rushing and another TD for 43. I/R improves to 7-3 and remains just one back with three to play. Coach Eickhorst: "I intend to live forever. So far so good."

In the Canes Division, the I/R comeback kept Team Gump in a tie with the Red Bandits at 6-4. The decision to bench Drew Brees may not have been such a good one. The 11-point differential in QBs between Brees and Future Vacator does loom large given the 5-point loss. FV's 13 fantasy points are his lowest score of the season. Looking at Newton's season, only one other week did he fail to put up enough points to win this week. Coach Fred: "If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" Yes Fred, just because you have Brees, Forte, Turner, Denarius Moore (123 yards, 2 TDs) and Akers (0 missed FGs on the season), if you keep benching your best players, you all go down with the ship.

There were three teams tied for third place at 4-5 coming into the week. Dunder Mifflin, Semi-P and Brokerage. Going into last night's game with Tim & Kumar (who last week gave up on the season), Brokerage was down only 6 with Adrian Peterson going against James Starks. In three of the previous four weeks, Peterson scored 23 or more. Last night against the 31st ranked D in the NFL, he put up 51 yards and one TD, but at the end of the third quarter, it looked like that would be just enough. In the first three quarters, Starks had 5 carries for 26 yards and 3 receptions for 11. 3 fantasy points. In the fourth quarter, he had 8 carries for 37 yards, four more fantasy points. T&K 65, Brokerage 63. T&K now are 2-0 since giving up on the season. Brokerage falls to 4-6. Coach Lubert: "It's like when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"


For Dunder Mifflin, Willis McGahee had averaged 103 yards and half a TD per game for his last 6 starts. Yesterday, in a game when Denver ran the ball on 55 of 63 offensive plays, McGahee got injured in the first quarter after just 17 yards. So on a day when the real Chris Johnson finally shows up, Robby Gould and Titans D combine for 28, they lose by 9 to the Fatties because McGahee, Steve Smith and Wes Welker combine for just 8, dropping to 4-6. As Coach Piccione said so succinctly after the game: "I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."

The Red Bandits were the ones who had the misfortune of trying to rely on Baltimore D. In the first four weeks, the Ravens D put up 75 fantasy points. In the last 5 weeks, they've scored 27, going against teams like Jacksonville, Arizona (at home) and Seattle. As Coach Weryk correctly stated: "My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out." At 6-4, they probably have to win one of their last 3 games to ensure a playoff spot. With a 20-point lead on Team Gump, they hold tie-breakers for the division championship as it stands now.

Semi-P had a 20 point lead on Dale's Doormats with Ryan Grant and Jordy Nelson going against Jermichael Finley and Mason Crosby. Semi-P had to get it done and they did, despite Grant being a no-show (8 carries for 6 yards). At 5-5, despite the 12th most points scored on the season, Semi-P could be heading to the playoffs. As Coach King so aplty put it: "I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?