Yes, we can all thank God the lockout is over! Time to get down to the serious business of having some fantasy football fun. And more to the point, we can put our contingency plans under "break glass only in case of lockout" again for the next 10 years. Some of use, perhaps even many of us won't be so grateful for as long as others, so with little ado, rather than waste all these good time-wasters, consider these alternate activities as your season tanks (just a little helpful reminder from your friendly neighborhood Watchdog)!
Sprockets - learn to play dead. First, it freaks out your friends, family and co-workers. Second, your team may already be doing it to you. Josh Freeman is probably the best player on this roster, and while he seems like an up-and-coming QB, much has been written about how lucky the Bucs were last year, and how they failed to win a game against .500+ teams. Jones-Drew had off-season knee surgery and his team is starting Luke McCown at QB on purpose. Really Kevin, it doesn't make sense for a fantasy team to start the season by playing for next year. DeAngelo Williams was good five years ago, but I have it on reliable source that this guy was his off-season training coach.
Or if you're Pep & Cheez, you might consider bicycling. Or petty crimes. If things work out well, Schaub should be hitting the IR at just about the time Manning comes off it. However, if the wheels fall off, it'll be Larry Fitzgerald, a bunch of back-up RBs and guys off the waiver wire to take the place of the injured Jahvid Best, Jonathan Stewart and Lance Moore. My guess is they'll get enough out of Schaub, McCoy, Fitzy and Graham to make a run at the Enchilada Playoffs.
Red Bandits - start your own Pet Skunk Farm. Not quite as lucrative as a puppy farm, but you need that certain je ne sais quois? This lady has it in spades! OK, Romo might bounce back and Steven Jackson is passable as a franchise RB, but Cincy QB? Beanie Wells? Joseph Addai? Julio Jones? I liked Pierre Garcon and Zach Miller when they both had decent QBs throwing to them. Not so much this year. Cadillac Williams? Sorry, but Cash For Clunkers does not apply to Fantasy Football players.
Natural Disaster - consider collecting spoons. I thought of putting a picture of Alanis Morrisette here because I have to think at some point this season, Disaster (and this guy) might have need of a knife. Seven RBs? At least one of them figures to be semi-decent (Rutgers Ray Rice), but can anyone tell the other six apart with a program? And what about those WRs? Was there a sale on pet rocks as well? Geez those guys are old! And when you draft only one D, try to make sure it's not the one that gets lit up for 42 points in the season opener. Where has Doug Morrison gone?
For Dale's Doormats, it's only natural they should take up collecting Ecstasy Pills seeing as they're starting Ben Roofiesburger at QB. Consider it an investment into his future suspension. The Doormats are a team loaded for bear with their regular starting lineup. Enough that they may want to celebrate with a few of Ben's closest female friends (those he's allowed within 100 yards of). Watch for this team in December!
For Team Brokerage the suggested hobby would be grooming dogs to look like more fearsome animals. And NOT because then Vick could revert to his older hobby without undue scrutiny - no, no, no! It's only because a team featuring Vick, Ryan Matthews, Reggie the Vacator Bush, LaDanian Tomlinson, Reggie Wayne, Santana Moss and Kellen Winslow SEEMS like they should be pretty scary. But when you look closer? Vick, as we all know, has a career passer rating of 80.2, and has only ever stayed healthy for 16 games once in his career, not counting his time in the California Penal League. Which is one more than Ryan Matthews. Wayne was a great WR with that Manning fellow throwing to him. Now? I think he'd even prefer Eli to Kerry Collins. (I think.) Kellen Winslow is a Hall of Famer, we know that. But that's not the right Kellen Winslow. This one is only in the Hall of Fame for A-holes. (Actually a pretty cool attraction - it's in the Bronx, appropriately enough. They have a nice feature on Steinbrenner in there.)
Tim & Kumar can always consider knitting - but not just knitting any old thing, take a page from these old ladies (appropriately enough) and knit some fake breasts. When your team already features Alex Smith, Delone Carter, Lee Evans, Dustin Keller and Emanuelle Sanders, plus Michael "He Gave Me" Crabstree, one does tend to question one's toughness. Last time I checked toughness was a good thing in football. Yes, I'm almost certain that was the case before all these sissy martian helmets and don't touch the QB rules. Now? Who knows? Maybe if Brady Quinn can get these girls to stop giggling and jiggling, they could end up in the Enchilada playoffs? Nah...
For those of us who are more a glutton for punishment, like the Hundering Turd, consider golf. Appropriate for Team "Going for the Green Turd". With the Browns QB, Green Bay QB, Shawn Greene, Green-Ellis, Roddy White and kicker Josh Brown, the Turd is a veritable rainbow of the colors of intestinal disease. Seriously though, the way Rodgers looked last night, it seems the rest of us will be saying "rat fart!" like Phil here for ever letting GB QB go for just $16 in last year's auction. At least we know that will never happen again...
...until Brady gets auctioned this year. When I saw this, I thought immediately of the Fatties. I think they might consider becoming a Duct Tape Artist. Between McFadden, Ingram and Mike Bush, your guys missed 17 games in the last two seasons. Throw in Brady's 15.9 games missed two years ago, and be assured that, should you become an expert on Duct Tape Art soon enough, you might be able to keep your team from falling apart. My prediction is that the Duct Tape works and the Fatties ride Brady and a deep lineup to a 9-4 season and a spot in the Enchilada Bowl.
I think the Wombats may want to take a page from this gentleman and try to appear in the background on random newscasts. It may be the only way anyone from the Wombats is seen on TV this season. Arian Foster's hamstring has checked out, as has the best blocking fullback in the NFL. Marshawn Lynch is playing under an assumed name somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. Kevin Korn on the Kolb was exiled to the desert somewhere, and Easy E is only half a dozen pick-sixes away from earning a one-way trip to Cleveland, where he'd be held hostage with Payton Hillis. (Sorry to make the picture so big, but you need to be able to see the fat guy in the back to ge tthe full affect.)
For Semi-P, it seemed appropriate to suggest trying to turn bits of junk into nifty crafts, then maybe having your fairy-godmother come by and cast a spell on it and see if you can get some mice to pull you to the Enchilada Bowl, because any team featuring Jay Cutler, Rita Moreno, two back-up backs, the "no more tears" Johnson & Johnson WR combo and Antonio "left my ankle in San Diego" Gates is gonna need a miracle just to get to .500, to say anything of escaping the Toilet Bowl. Well, if Bradford takes a step forward under Josh McDaniel and Jordy Nelson somehow separates himself from the 17 other targets Aaron Rodgers has, and Gronk edges out Aaron Hernandez, who knows? Maybe fairy tales do come true!
For There's an I in I/T (or isn't there one? This seems like an awfully simple question for the Watchdog to continue to get wrong), the best hobby I can recommend is to take a page from Roofiesburger and do like Tony Soprano said to Kenny Britt - come on by my place and sleep with the fishes! This is a team that will rely on some small backs and some big receivers - Ahmad Bradshaw and Felix Jones are the biggest backs on the team, both listed at 5'10". However, if Darren Sproles does anywhere near what he did last night over the rest of the season and Matty Ice Ice Ryan throws as much as he did in the presason, it's Coach Eickhorst who'll be fitting us all for cement shoes. 
As Coach Piccione knows, sending in a pinch-hitter to a draft can be dicey, and while I don't think he'd complain about coming away with Chris Johnson, Wes Welker, Jeremy Maclin and Matthew Stafford, he may want to think about whatever hobby these two gentlemen (Lleyton Hewitt and Tim Henman) were participating in. Witness: Stafford, in 13 starts over two seasons has a career passer rating of 67.1; Dan Thomas is fighting 106-year old Larry Johnson for carries for the Miami Dolphins; Welker, after three straight seasons with 100+ receptions, fell to just 86 in 11 starts last year - his career high in TDs is 8 - and this league gives no credit to receptions; Steve Smith (CAR) may be the most talented WR in the NFL, but he'll be lucky to get 60 catches this year with Cam "the Future Vacator" Newton at QB; and while Chris Cooley tied a career high with 849 yards last year, it's been 4 years since he's scored more than three times in a season.
For Team Gump, the fall always brings a harvest of great fruit. I recommend picking apples or some other kind of fruit you might find at a football game. This team found some low-hanging fruit though, with Drew Brees, Michael Turner, Pierre Thomas, Dwayne Bowe and Jets D. They're a little thin at RB, with 86-year old Thomas Jones as their sole back-up and several semi-retired guys in Donavon McNabb, Derrick Mason, Hines Ward adn Jeremy Shockey.
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