So it's week one and already half the teams in the league are in deep despair. Not only did your team lose, but the Watchdog season preview blasted your every draft pick. Here now, courtesy of Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, is reason to hope. And remember, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of all things.
I didn't think much of Dale's Doormats the first time I laid eyes on them. Looked like a stiff breeze would blow them over. But dig a little deeper - they got 335 yards passing and 2 TDs from the Sanchize, Blount was under-used by a Bucs' team that was behind early against a surprisingly tough Lions D. Boldin looked very good and the Ravens have exaclty three tough games left this year. Harvin will score even when the Vikings' O is struggling. Finley is a beast, probably the top tight end this year. The Packers eventually will have to settle for a field goal. And the Giants' D? Umm, eventually they'll get healthy right? Right????
For the Turd, it's time to get busy playing fantasy football or get busy preparing for the 2012 fantasy baseball season. You start with Aaron Rodgers, you're going to win a lot of QB matchups, just not necessarily against Drew Brees (or Tom Brady). Greene and Green-Ellis looked solid if unspectacular. White, the good Mike Williams and even Plaxico "Shawshank" Burress showed their stuff even in losing efforts for their NFL teams. If Owen Daniels was underutilized in a blowout by the Texans, Tony Gonzalez showed reports of his demise are premature. And if the Giants' kickers may not get too many points this year, Josh Brown and St. Louis look solid. Work the waiver wire and take advantage of having Rodgers at $16. And get busy trading. That's goddamn right.
Salvation lies within, Semi-P. Is Jay Cutler the guy to lead you to the Promised Land? With Johnson & Johnson, Antonio Gates, Folk and a sturdy Texans D under ace coordinator Wade Phillips, Semi-P had enough within their own team not only to win this matchup, but would have beaten all but three other teams in the league. Watch ye therefore, for ye know not when the master of the house cometh.
Sometimes you get approved for parole when you may not exactly deserve it, as the Wombats were reminded this week. Their 80-point effort was the lowest winning total of the week. And while they wait for Arian Foster to get healthy, now they can add Marques Colston to the IR. Peter King at SI.com told the story of Colston's injury: he broke his collarbone making a catch with about 30 seconds to go, but he knew if he lay down for an injury time-out, they'd have to run 10 seconds off the clock, which the Saints could not afford. And he couldn't get off the field until they could spike the ball. So he got up and lined up for two more plays with a broken collar bone until Brees could spike the ball. It's that kind of play that can inspire a team to great heights.
Why so many points on the bench team Brokerage? Were you being obtuse? Was it deliberate? As it turns out, most of their bench points were scored by their two back-up QBs. And while Vick wasn't the high scorer among them this week, that doesn't figure to happen too often. The good news for Brokerage is they got solid efforts from every spot on the team except James Jones, Vinatieri and Pitt D and with the Steelers' schedule that doesn't figure to repeat.
If I in I/T had their best line-up in, it would have been "Mr. Fantasy Winner, if you please." Good Rex showed up at QB, Greg Olsen looks great with the Future Vacator throwing to him and 49ers D has 5 more games remaining against fellow-NFC West teams. Add in 63 points from Bradshaw, Felix, Britt and Andre, and this is a team that is building something.
"Alexandre Dumbass?" "Dumas. It's about a prison-break." "Maybe we should file that under 'educational'?" Speaking of prison-breaks, Dez Bryant looked like he was being chased by his parole officer for the whole first quarter against the Jets. Not sure if his knee or Revis Island was responsible for the zero put up the rest of the way, but seeing as the Cowboys don't face the Jets again, if he can stay healthy, look out. Ricky Williams showed he still has it, as did MJD. If Freeman continues to grow from last year, the Sprockets will be breaking out soon.
Did he up and vanish like a fart in the wind? That's what Tim & Kumar are asking about Vincent Jackson. Broncos QB threw for 300 yards again, Charles and Forte each scored, and Janikowski was good from 63 yards out. Unfortunately for T&K, our league gives nothing extra for tying NFL records. Even if we did, it likely wouldn't be 16 points extra. Nevertheless, Emanuel Sanders and Dustin Keller would have put T&K within spittin' distance this week and figure to give them a tough lineup week in and week out.
Looks like Team Gump passed their first test. They got nothing from Bowe, but everyone else showed up, Brees in spades. Turner, Pierre Thomas, Akers and Jets D, I think Team Gump may be ready to take up another line of work - instead of playing for the Toilet Bowl, they're gunning for the Whole Enchilada.
This is where Dunder Mifflin does that shit with Wes Welker. Really, a 99 1/2 yard TD? They got a total of 5 points from Chris Johnson, Daniel Thomas and Kevin Walter and still topped 100 for the week. Before you say "Stafford won't throw for 300 yards and 3 TDs again," keep in mind they left Steve Smith's 178 yards and 2 TDs on the bench. So yes, this is a team that could have people's jaws dropping. 
I keep thinking of the Family Guy's version of Shawshank. "Two things never happend after that: Boggs never walked again and Peter's farts never made a sound again." It's early yet, but ND had good weeks out of 6 of their seven running backs, got enough from two of their four receivers and Neil Rackers to put up 100 points in week one. So to the rest of the league, watch your backs. And don't bend over for the soap.
For Pep & Cheez, it may not be time to celebrate with a cold one on the roof yet, but when Larry Fitzgerald scores the lowest points for your team, chances are you've put up a pretty good score. And while the Texans' QB put up only 14, they didn't have to do any more to beat the Colts or I/T. 
And when you put up 103 points to lead the league in week one, people are going to stop and take notice. The Red Bandits and Fatties each did that this week. The Bandits were led by the Ravens' 7 turnovers created, Tony Romo's 342 yards and 2 TD, Greg Jennings and Beanie Wells. They alertly picked up Cadillac Williams, who looked much more like he'd received a federal bailout than a Cash for Clunker candidate against the Eagles. Steven Jackson put up 11 points in two plays, then limped off the field. And while Zach Miller and the Seahawks O will likely stink, Jermaine Gresham had 58 and a TD.
I hope the Fatties don't start Muchostinko again. I hope they get more than 2 points from their kicker. I hope Chad Henne has some more Michigan Magic in him. Ingram will have better days and Benson will replicate that 120-yard, 1 score effort again. Mostly I hope Brady doesn't throw for 517 yards and 4 TDs again. That's just not fair. The Fatties hope that this is the year they win the Whole Enchilada. They hope. They hope... 
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