Round one of the playoffs! Ring that bell, Apollo!
And the Mad Dogs come out swinging! A 397-yard, 4 TD haymaker by Peyton Manning and their bout with the Wombats was nearly over. Add in 127 yards and a TD from late-season waiver pick-up Bobby Rainey and - whoa, the ref's gonna stop the fight! For good measure, Marshawn Lynch and AJ Green both put up 72 yards and a TD and Eric Decker worked himself into the lineup
after his 174 yard, 4-TD performance last week. Surprisingly, he delivered a 17-point effort as well. The only footnote is that Bengals D put up a goose-egg, 2 less than the Panthers managed, but leaving the Funky Dogs with a neat eleventy-one, a very appropriate score on the eve of the release of Part 2 of the Hobbit. Call this one the Desolation of the Wombats.
Slinking back to Walla Walla without a first round pick for next year and with no payout to show for their playoff appearance, Coach Moose was borderline hostile to this reporter when asked for comment. "Get that camera the *#^$# outta here" was the exact quote. The Wombats were one of three teams this week to have more points on their bench than in their starting lineup, which may explain some of Coach Moose's reaction. Putting in Matt Flynn over Tony Romo was questionable (not smart), as was benching The Riddler Frank Gore. The rest of it was six dozen of one, half of the other, and in the end, the result was the same. Pain.
For Team Gump, they mixed up their lineup, benching the slumping Andrew Luck in favor of "surging" Alex Smith and the decision did work well, unless the purpose was to light a fire under Luck's tush. 326 yards and 4 TDs later, you can safely call that "message received". Will it translate into sustained success? A rematch against reeling Houston (30 points for Luck in the first game) would seem to indicate yes. But one can never tell how a team will react to a coach getting fired and the Texans, losers of 11-straight, may just find their pride or whatever, circle the wagons, remember who signs their paycheck, or whatever cliché you want to use, and surprise a few people this week. Or not. This rematch may be called for, but the Rocky vs Apollo rematches made the end of Rocky I one of the most ironic in the history of film. "Ain't gonna be no rematch." "Don't want one." If only.
The Turd, who steadfastly refused to improve their team throughout the year, whether by trade, waiver or even holding practice (I mean, we're talking "practice" here - practice), took their lumps like men and went back home to re-think the whole "draft as many Jones' as you can" strategery. Curiously, the only player who played better as the Turd stopped beating everyone on their schedule was Maurice Jones-Drew, who averaged 6.2 during the Turd's 5-1 start and 13.0 in the 2-4-1 stretch since. Both MJD and Brees are potential $30 keepers for next year.
And so round two of the Enchilada Playoffs will feature Team Gump against the Fatties, who put up 130 just for show, despite getting only 7 from Matthew Stafford in the snow. LeSean McCoy, playing in the same snow, put up 217 yards and 2 TDs, making everyone else look like they were on skates for the first time. Jamaal Charles added 151 yards and 2 TDs of his own and even the Bucs D got into the action, putting a hurting on Buffalo with 7 sacks, 5 turnovers and only 6 points allowed. And while it's unlikely they'll do that again this week against the 49ers, the Fatties' other D, #2 in the league Kansas City Chefs, will visit the Raiders this weekend. The Fatties have been installed as a 15-point favorite against the Gumpsters by the league website. Great googly-moogly!
On the other side of the brackets, the Funky Dogs will travel to PittsAngeles to play the Steel Trojans who may suddenly be without Adrian Peterson. Reggie the Vacator sustained a calf injury early in the Eagles' game and is day to day (like the rest of us). But Joique Bell and Toby Gerhart proved excellent back-ups, putting up 33 between them. Add another record for Josh Gordon, becoming the first Cleveland Brown to record 1400 yards receiving in a season and the first NFL receiver ever to put up 774 yards in a four-game stretch (breaking Calvin Johnson's record from earlier this season). So while the STDs put up a mere 70, they had 91 on the bench and picked a good week to stop sniffing glue and to have their bye week, with the mid-game injuries to their RBs. The Funky Dogs have also been installed as a 15-point favorite against the division champ STDs.
One team who did not have more points on their bench than in their starting lineup was Dale's Doormats - but it was close. 114 in the starting lineup, 112 on the bench. Now, you may say, and correctly, that the Doormats have two QBs on their bench. True, but they also carried two players (Marcus Lattimore and Delanie Walker) who put up no points at all. Nick Foles struggled early in the snow, throwing his first INT of the season (that counted - another was negated by penalty) but put up 23. He's averaged over 32 per game in his last 5. On the bench, Andy Dalton put up 36 against Indy and faces Pittsburgh this weekend, while Ryan Tannehill put up 31 and faces the same New England D that just gave up 391 yards and 3 TDs to Jason Campbell. Jason Campbell. This was his career best day in passing yards and just the fourth time in his 8-year career with 3 passing TDs. Who to play in Round Two of the Toilet Bowl? A trip to the finals could depend on the answer! Like old Daffy here, being moderately well off, or even socially secure at QB can in fact lead to trouble...
For Brokerage, it was another disappointing end to their season. Trading for Russell Wilson did not help, with his 13-point output against the 9ers. The Fatties would have been better off holding onto the aforementioned Cleveland QBs (cut in week 6) or Tannehill, who they released before week 12. That said, a) they only gave up Andre Ellington, and b) QB play was not the difference in the game for them. Still, Campbell and Rod Streater would have been enough to pull out an epic victory. Strange that Mike Wallace could record only 19 yards receiving when Tannehill put up 31, but it's been that kind of season for Wallace.
For Pep and Cheez, they had an apparent embarrassment of riches to choose from for QB, with Cam Newton playing the pliable D of the Saints and Chicago QBs facing the Cowboys friendly D. Like the Nazi picking the Cup of Christ at the end of the Last Crusade, "they chose poorly." Newton put up only 16 while one of the McCown brothers (I forget which one) put up 348 yards passing, 5 TDs and a 2-point conversion for good measure. Fortunately, they were just playing the Camel Jockeys.
The Jockeys had the points to beat Pep and Cheez, but it would have taken a perfect game by Coach Haas. Peyton Hillis over Pierre Thomas (+5), Edelman and Cotchery over Hilton and Garcon (+23 combined), and Charles Clay over Vernon Davis (+5). Losing by 30 is never fun, but when TY Hilton gets 7 yards and 0 TDs and his QB throws for 326 and 4, that stings a little more. Garcon, the disappearance of RGIII has meant he has put up a total of 19 in the last 4 games combined, with a season-low 3 this week. Even Jeremy Kerley's return to the lineup for the Jets would have been more productive than either starter, as the Jets got a TD pass for the first time since Willie Joe Namath found Al Toon in the end zone to beat the Baltimore Oilers in 1796 (pictured here). Or something like that. It'd been a while since the Jets had scored, I'm saying. Don't bother me with stats and "facts".
Pep and Cheez will face the team called in this space "the worst team since Sliced Bread", There Is an I in I/T, who of course proceeded to pound Semi-P after hearing those words. You're welcome. It may have helped having Semi-P back on the menu, as that was one of the four teams I/T beat this year. Another solid day from Phil Rivers, who although he ended the Giants' season, he also continued I/Ts, so he's got that going for him. Which is nice.
And for Semi-P, they'll get one more gift from Adrian Peterson, an extra first-round pick in 2014. Presumably they will not be drafting Gronk again next year, at least not for $10 in the auction. For although he put up 597 yards and 4 TDs in just 7 starts, he only managed 7 starts in 14 weeks and his ACL/MCL tear ended any chance SP had against the mighty I/T. In googling a picture of Gronk, there were literally dozens to choose from that involved him either a) in some state of undress, b) ogling or groping young females of the opposite sex, c) partying or d) some combination of the above three. I'm not saying he doesn't take his football seriously. Ok, that's exaclty what I'm saying. The funny thing is, by comparison to the Pats' other tight ends, Gronk is the sane one.
Last and least, we have The Big Deal, still in search of a real team nickname, getting one of the great second halves and really last two minutes of any fantasy game in recent memory (at least since the Battle of Bunker Hill). But don't call it a comeback! This isn't Twinkies getting resurrected from the dead. This is the Patriots and the Browns. And really, was anyone truly stunned the Pats won that game? Nevertheless, Brady had 95 yards and no TDs at halftime. But he had 323 yards in the second half and two TDs in the last 65 seconds to beat the hapless Browns. Those 24 points proved decisive against the indecisive Natural Disaster coaching staff. For while they alertly scooped up Jason Campbell and started him over Mike Glennon and EJ Manuel, their decision to bench Arizona D in favor of the Raiders, counting on further destruction by Geno Smith, backfired to the tune of a 16-point difference. That in and of itself would not have made the difference. The disappearance of LaDarius Green, who had gone for 32 points in the previous 3 games, is still under investigation. Reports that he is buried under the corner of the old Meadowlands have proved erroneous, but he was nowhere to be seen on Sunday and is still missing. And Kendall Wright scored just one point after putting up 53 in the previous 6 games.
And so TBD will face the mighty Doormats in their Round Two matchup. One last note - I apologize for what is now being referred to as the "Doug Martin Incident". I saw him sitting their on the waiver wire and scooped him up. I assure you it was not some devious plan to keep an extra player next year. He will be back in the draft/auction and available to whoever wants him. My most sincere "mea culpa" for the error. I am glad that was settled with minimal bloodshed. And as was once wisely said, apologizing in Latin does not change the fact that I am a (screw)-up.
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