Eyegor: Dr. Frankenstein... Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."
Eyegor: You're putting me on.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."
Eyegor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No... "Frederick."
Eyegor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronkensteen."
Eyegor: I see.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor.
[He pronounces it ee-gor]
Eyegor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."
Eyegor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?
Well, Mr. Fronkensteen may be a rather brilliant doctor and may be able to do something about that hump, but Tom Brady's topped 300 yards just once on the season and has yet to throw for more than 2 TDs in a game. He was out-played (fantasy-wise) by Terelle Pryor this week and overall on the season (114-105). In fact, as of today, Brady has more points than the following QBs: Carson Palmer, Tampa Bay and Jacksonville. That's it. They said Brady is a brilliant QB, but were they wrong? (Or does he just miss his Gronk?) Either way, TBD is hurting until we figure it out.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What knockers. Inga: Oh, thank you doctor.
Some teams, such as the Fatties, have tremendous natural assets, like Ray Rice, Eddie Lacy, Brandon Marshall and DeSean Jackson. Putting up a 120-spot on the recently unbeaten Steel Trojans may be a bit unrealistic, like Dr. Frankenstein speaking in fact about the door knockers, not Teri Garr's natural assets. After all, the Chiefs' D is unlikely to put up 10 sacks and a defensive TD again right? (Though they do play Oakland again in week 15, not to mention Cleveland, Buffalo and now the suddenly suspect Texans.)
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What a filthy job. Eyegor: Could be worse.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How?
Eyegor: Could be raining.
The Wombats improved to 4-2 with a stirring 52-51 victory over I in I/T. And while it could always be worse (Amendola and Zach Miller did not score, Avant managed 2 and the Colts D got just 2 on Monday Night Football), at least they were smart enough to pass on Ravens QBs. They did not bring along shovels to bury Tony Romo though, counting on him to torch the Redskins "D" and forgetting rule #1 of fantasy football - play your best players (like Aaron Rodgers). Strangely, Coach Moose mentioned to me about halfway through the first quarter of the Sunday Night game - "What we need is a nice 45-yard TD from Alfred Morris." When I pointed out they were 55 yards away from the end zone, he was undeterred. And when Morris ripped off a 45-yard TD a few minutes later...
Inga: Werewolf! Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Werewolf?
Igor: There.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What?
Eyegor: There, wolf. There, castle.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Why are you talking that way?
Eyegor: I thought you wanted to.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, I don't want to.
Eyegor: [shrugs] Suit yourself. I'm easy.
The Hundering Turd may have the 7th most points in the league, they may be closer to 14th place in the Wilt race than first, but they are the only 5-1 team in the league. So go ahead and say "neigh" all you want. Suit yourself, they're easy. Now, losing Julio and now James Jones in consecutive weeks makes them suddenly vulnerable at WR, but having Brees, Giovani, MJD and Spiller gives them room to Rome.
Eyegor: Sed-a... Inga: Sed-a...
Eyegor: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!
"Give him a sed-a-give?" There is an I in I/T may need a sed-a-give if things continue like this. with just 157 points through six weeks and watching Trent Richardson "power" his way to a 5-point effort, Coach Eickhorst has a bone to pick with the Watchdog I'm sure, coming up on the losing end of that 52-51 battle. They benched 49ers QBs in favor of Rivers (lost 8 points in the exchange), played Cecil "take one in the" Shorts instead of Emanuel Sanders (13 points) and Rashard Mendenhall over Kendall Hunter (lost 3 points). Calm down now Coach! Quick somebody give him a...
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Exactly.
Inga: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That goes without saying.
Inga: Voof.
Eyegor: He's going to be very popular.
Team Brokerage improved to 3-3, pulling out only what was necessary to beat Natural Disaster. Brokerage left 108 points on the bench, started Blaine Gabbert over three other QBs and were never threatened by ND. When Nick Novak fell 4 FGs and an extra point short of tying the game on Monday Night, it was all over but the shouting. Good Lord willing, we won't see Gabbert start another game for any team in this league - ever.
Elizabeth: Oh. Where you going?... Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Oh... I think I love him. Dale's Doormats are not yet in a position to brag. They had, in fact, better keep their mouth shut! However, continuing to lead in the Wilt race, getting lucky with Nick Foles out-playing Vick and even getting 32 points from Andy Dalton. Yep, I think I love them! Now, if DeMarco isn't out too long, or DD actually makes a trade or works the waiver wire...
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Pardon me, boy. Is this the Transylvania station? Shoe-Shine Boy: Ja, ja. Track 29. Can I give you a shine?
The Mad Dogs, originally the Office or Dunder Mifflin, who somehow changed their name to the Pagano (no "s") before the season, took one on the chin, falling to 3-3, but with the second-most points of any of the many 3-3 teams. Well, when the Broncos fail to cover the 28-point spread against the Jags, starting Hillman over a healthy Ridley will come back to haunt you. Seems the Broncs were dis-interested in the game. That's what happens when you settle for awful puns like this one. The train ride from New York to Transylvania was pretty funny though.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [singing] If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits... The Monster: 'UTTIN' ON THE 'IIIIITZ.
Truly, the song and dance number with the monster is a work of beauty. Or horror, depending on how you feel about dance numbers featuring 500 pound gorillas. The Steel Trojans have dropped two straight after starting 4-0, despite having the second highest score of the week (at least among starting 8s). In fact, they got beat by so much, you could have played all 16 against the Fatties and it still would have made ST feeling blue. Time to go where fashion sits and play I/T, and Natural Disaster in two of the next three games. That'll have 'em singing again in no time!
Eyegor: [Imitating Groucho Marx] Soitenly. You take the blonde, I'll take the one in the toiben.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I was talking about the luggage.
You know, a guy who was playing with extra baggage this week was Semi-P's Adrian Peterson. And while I'm sure we all feel for him, I didn't get the impression Peterson knew much about the child, who was living with an ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend, the alleged murderer of the two-year old. The question I have is, do we really have to make out what an awesome Christian he (Peterson) is? I gather he has a child living with him now and has at least two others and is unmarried. Now I read on his Wikipedia page that he had a half-brother murdered on the night before his NFL combine and his father was sentence to 10 years for laundering drug money. So he's had a hard life. I get it. And it does sound like he's just another sinner, same as you and me, trying to do the best he can by God and Holy Jesus. I just hate it when something bad happens and we only talk about what an awesome guy that person is. Sometimes (often) it's a lot more complicated than that. There is no joke here. I am sorry for the soap box sermon. Anyway, Semi-P lost their fifth straight but still sits just 2 games out of the playoffs. Time to start packing their bags? Not just yet, I think.
Little Girl: Now throw a kiss and say "Bye bye."
The Monster: [throws kiss, waves, and grunts "bye bye"]
Little Girl: Oh dear. Nothing left. What shall we throw in now?
Natural Disaster didn't have a great week, though their 77 points was 7th best this week. Nevertheless, with the loss to Brokerage, they fall to 1-5, three games out of a playoff spot with 7 to go. You can point to the sieve-like defense (only Team Gump comes close, the 12th worst Points Against has had 35 points less scored against them) - the average team has had 70 fewer points scored against them over 6 weeks. Irregardless, it would seem time to start the bi-annual "Kitchen Sink" sale. Calvin Johnson? Marshawn Lynch? Russell Wilson? Pierre Thomas? Zac Stacy? Percy Harvin? When those guys go, what could we throw in now?
[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]
Inga: It's fun.
[She begins to roll in the hay]
Inga: Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.
Pep & Cheez had a roll in ze hay this week, despite starting the wrong QB (Cam Newton exploded for 4 TDs) and getting only 3 points from McGaheehee. Even with four bench guys putting up zeros (injuries and bye weeks), their bench would have had enough to take out Semi-P this week. P&C is one of 5 teams locked in at 3-3, currently 27 points behind the newly named Mad Dogs (Dunder Mifflin Pagano) for a wildcard spot in the Enchilada.
Eyegor: [pause, then] No.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Ah! Very good. Would you mind telling me whose brain I DID put in?
Eyegor: Then you won't be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
Eyegor: Abby someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby someone. Abby who?
Eyegor: Abby... Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby Normal?
Eyegor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [chuckles, then] Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
[grabs Igor and starts throttling him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Is that what you're telling me?
Now Team Gump (also 3-3) was faced with a choice: play Larry Fitzgerald or Torrey Smith? Now promise me you won't be angry? But Fitzgerald's name was supposed to be selected (work with me here) but Coach Fred got startled and Fitzy's fantasy points ended up splattered brains all over the lab floor. So he put in Abby-something Smith and ended up an eight-point loser to Dale's Doormats. Not to get you angry, but the 15-point swing would have put the Gumpsters tied for second in the Wilt race as well.
[Horses Whining]
Camel Jockeys may have the second-fewest points scored in the league, but they are sitting at 3-3 after winning their second straight this one behind Vernon Davis' 30 point output. Yes, they're doing it a bit ugly, but what the hey! Now, with Julio Jones out and Roddy White hobbling, it's an open question as to whether they're better with Carson Palmer or Matty Ice at QB the rest of the way, but with Chris Johnson, TY Hilton and Pierre "the man" (or is that "the waiter"?) Garcon, they do have some weapons besides Burnin' Vernon. And no, they do not want any ovaltine, thank you.
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