Top 14 Awesomely Bad Fantasy Football Teams

We were talking about bad songs at lunch today and I realized right then and there that I had stumbled on this week's theme for the Watchdog. So without further doo-doo, here is this week's list of the top 14 Awesomely Bad Fantasy Football Teams of All Time, set to possibly recognizable tunes:

We Built This ****ty - well, the most awesomely bad song of all time has to go to the team with the best record in the league so far this year, all the better if it's the Turd. As VH1 said in their countdown, the song is bad enough by itself, but the traffic report in the middle brings it to another level. Before you can say to yourself "Whaaaattt???" you realize the fact that this is Grace Slick singing - a woman who performed at Woodstock for crying out loud - and you have not just awesomely bad, but epic baditudeness. Or something like that. The Turd themselves are so awesomely bad (and I mean that in all the best possible terms) that they can start Lawrence Tynes and Vincente Shiancoe (0 combined points) and still win by 20. Ambidextrously, that was Joseph Addai's first 100+ yard performance since 2008, or put in perspective, the year this song came out.

Everybody make Fun of us Tonight everybody Wang Chung tonight. What more needs to be said? Pep & Cheez drew perhaps a few snickers when they finished the auction with $21 left over, but they are the ones Wang Chunging over the rest of the league now (with the exception of Tim & Kumar, who just got Wanged last week in an 80-80 tie).

Matty Ice Ice Baby - have to skip a few teams here to make this work as the 2-3-1 Tim & Kumar sport perhaps the most awesomely bad QB the Falcons have ever had. Sure, he's no Vince Young or Jay Cutler, he went to BC, so give him a break!

Farty All The Time - this is, without a doubt, the most insidious piece of crap ever produced in what appeared to be a serious manner. This may be the exact moment that Eddie Murphy's career imploded (and a more just outcome I could not think of). As VH1 pointed out in their coverage of the song, Murphy was at the peak of his career, having left Saturday Night Live (with grown-up Buckwheat, Gumby, Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood, the James Brown impressions), produced a string of great movies: 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places and several great live comedy albums. After this attrocity, he gave us The Golden Child, Harlem Nights, Another 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop II and II and so on and so on until Meet Dave. And so we come to Natural Disaster. Aside from my love of this song, the natural fit is the early success this once-proud franchise had, culminating in the Whole Enchilada title back in the same year 48 Hours came out (I think - it's a little fuzzy remembering that long ago) and a string of disasters so egregious that even his most devoted fans now just cringe and encourage him to hang it up. If it wasn't for animals (Donkey in Shrek and the Watchdog in the Watchdog), that opinion might just be unanimous.

I'm Too Sexy - for my socks, has to be the Fatties, who finally got a semi-decent performance from Chris Johnson in an even-numbered week, though even that took until the 56th minute of the Monday Night game. What was looking like another disappointing 25 carry - 80 yard - 0 TD performance in a game the Titans had well in hand (23-3 running out the clock) when suddenly CJ rips through the line and is gone, making an 8 point game into a 19 point game and giving the Fatties just enough Sexy to send T&K home frustrated.

Sussudio - it must have been hard to pick just one Phil Collins song for this count-down. Yes, he had "In the Air" but for every good song, there's a "One More Night", "Easy Lover", "I Can't Dance" or "Land of Contusions". Which of course leads us to Team Gump. Yes, they have the good Manning and Adrian Peterson, but they also have Danny Woodhead (that's his real name) and Roy Williams in their starting lineup and Dwayne Bowe, LaRod Stephens-Howling and Reggie Bush on the Bench. Talk about a Land of Contusions! I wouldn't know who to play either! By the way, Phil himself said "Sussudio" means absolutely nothing. It is utter nonsense. And may I just say "Thank you so much for that."

Hangin' Tough - Sprockets are doing just that! I am reminded of when one of the New Kids fell off the stage performing this song and broke his arm (true story) - "Hangin' To-whoa!" Anyway, the Sprockets have won two straight after starting the year 0-4 and are now solidly in 2nd place in the points race with their first high-points week of the season. If MJD ever gets in gear, these guys are gonna have some Good Vibrations. (How about that picture eh? If those guys don't know about hangin' tough, I don't know who would!)

The Final Countdown - if I say this is the best song on this list, is that a compliment? Europe may have been a one-hit wonder, and that may end up being one more hit than Dunder Mifflin, as a desperately bad week (59 points) leads them to make a desperation trade - strangely again with Natural Disaster - giving up their best player in Antonio "Hot" Gates. How is it that Def Leppard wasn't on this list anywhere? When I think of your team and I think of a one-armed drummer, that's not a good thing.

Rump Shaker - I have no idea who sings this song, but you have to love the title. And you have to respect I in IT, a team that features such generic players (Jackson, Johnson, Harrison, Thomas, Williams) that it's like they're trying to check into a hotel incognito. I guess "R Mexico" was already taken. Looking at the picture, maybe this should have been for the Red Bandits?

Never Gonna Give You Up - Never gonna take "no" for an answer, only gonna get you drunk and take you into the back room and hurt you. Is that going too far? Well, blame Rick Astley and "Big" Ben. Nevertheless, Brokerage is not going to give up either, not when Chad "Smoked" Henne is their other QB. And Coach Lubert expressed confidence earlier today that "Hey, if it looks like we may not have enough to win it all, we'll see if we can pry another RB off Natural Disaster." Sound strategy.

Pimp Juice - I don't even know who sings this song either, but this is another "serious" song, yet one that could have come directly from one of the all-time great parody movies - way better than Spinal Tap - I refer of course to Fear of a Black Hat, the pseudo-documentary story of Niggaz With Hatz. The soundtrack features songs like "Ice Froggy Frog", "Booty Juice", "Grab Yo Stuff", "Granny Say Kick Your Black A**" and "My Peanuts". Not making the soundtrack but featured in the film was of course "Kill Whitey" which the guys from the band claimed of course was NOT their instructions for their fans to kill white people in general, but rather one specific dude, Whitey Lockman, their former manager who ripped them off and was strangely never seen again. Speaking of "never seen again", is that Semi-P? After a 2-0 start with 213 points, they've lost 4 straight, scoring over 63 points just once. But don't look at me, I wasn't even IN Cleveland on that night man.

Cotton Eye Joe - "Where does he come from? Where does he go? How does he win even one in a row?" One might think it's hard to knock a team just days after getting beaten by that same team, but one would be wrong. Let's face it, Dale's Doormats are not good. Alex Smith? Carson Daly? (Oops - Palmer!) Ladell Betts? John Starks - doesn't he play for the Knicks? I think D Brown might be dead! (Well, cross him off the list...) And yet they beat me this week. Yep. Yep... I'm not sure what this picture is, but when I did a search for Cotton Eye Joe, this is what came up. Interestingly, mine is bigger than that.

We Didn't Start the Fire, we were always burning, even when our team was lucking its way to a championship last year. Ah yes, the immortal Billy Joel classic - interestingly it was NOT written directly about or for the Red Bandits. I know why you might think that, given their 1-5 start to the season and talking another beating this week. They weren't just burned on the fantasy field, but DeSean Jackson actually thought he was Marylin Monroe and in North Korea (or South Korea, he wasn't sure) up until yesterday. Now he says he's Batman. So much better there. By the way "Spoiler Alert" on the picture there! Hope that doesn't ruin anything for anyone, but yes, that's how they filmed those amazing special effects. And no, Robin was not harmed in filming this scene.

All I Wanna Do is give you my dough and I've got a feeling I'm not the only one. No, this song didn't make VH1's count-down, but it's so awesomely bad that Sheryl Crow refuses to sing it in concert anymore. Yes, the song that launched her career (along with being a back-seat singer, er back-UP singer for Eric Clapton) and made her dozens of fans up and down Santa Monica Boulevard and she won't sing it anymore. Now THAT's an insidious song! Sweet Justice! Speaking of justice, I refer of course to the Walla Walla Wombats, who tried to buy a championship (Yankees Style!) last year and of course got the Eagles QBs this year once again. So they bench Korn on the Kolb in favor of Faver , only to have Kornie throw for 300 yards and 3 TDs, scoring exactly 21 points more than the Jason Vorhees of QBs, leading the Wombats to lose 74-54.