Excuse me sir, is this the Delta House?

Believe it or not, we're just about at the quarter pole in the fantasy season already. It's time head over to Faber College and see what we think we know. And no cheating!

"Fat drunk and stupid is now way to go through life son."

First of all, a quick glance at the standings finds the Fatties with a 79 point lead in the points race. Everyone else in the league has scored between 211 and 274 points. The quote may well be for Darren McFadden, who seems to have finally gotten himself into shape - through 3 games he is just 12 yards shy of what he produced for Electric Mayhem all of last season. Or it may be for the Fatties themselves, who after years of great teams that just missed, may have finally happened on the right mix.

"What? Over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"

To give further evidence in the randomness of fantasy football, the Red Bandits and Sprockets have both scored more points than Dunder Mifflin, yet DM is undefeated and the others are 0-3. The defending champion Bandits have been answering questions all offseason that last year was a fluke, and here they sit at 0-3 following a 92-90 heartbreaker that saw them outscore Brokerage 7-3 on Monday Night Football, with Jennings getting just 2 catches but Forte for TB get held to just 14 yards receiving. So much for the Marshall Faulk comparisons.

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

Yes, I divided that quote up for two teams. It's that good a quote. Sprockets lost 74-64 in week one with David Garrard outscoring Drew Brees by 10; lost 75-73 last week to the Turd with Bernard Scott and Desmond Aromashodu totalling 1 point; and worst yet lost 113-112 this week. They are rolling... I guess.

"Is that a pledge pin on your uniform?!?!"

Somewhat scary - Team Gump edged the Sprockets 113-112 this week, and Gump's bench scored 98, good for 5th best score of the week even carrying an injured Reggie "the Vacator" Bush. Difference in the game? LaRod Stephens-Howling "running back" Arizona, who got no carries, no receptions and ran one kick back 102 yards for a TD. Why he was in the starting lineup is a bit of a mystery given his 0 carries and 3 receptions in week 2. Including his kick return, he has 13 fantasy points on the season. Not bad for a team that dropped Dexter McCutchen right after the draft. Don't know how you cut a guy with that good a name in favor of a poor man's Law Firm...

"I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture, be done on somebody's part. And we're just the guys to do it!"

According to my research, Kyle Orton approached a record on Sunday, becoming just the third player in NFL history to throw for more than 475 yards in a game and just one TD pass, joining Phil Simms (who lost to the Bengals 35-30 in 1985) and Bernie Kosar (who beat the Jets in the playoffs, 23-20 in OT). That's right, the other 20 QBs to throw for 475 or more all had at least 2 TDs. I bring this up because maybe it would have been nice for Natural Disaster to see the Broncos reach the END ZONE once in a while. But I digress.

"Remain calm! All is well!"

Meanwhile, if the Wombats every get a Wide Receiver this year, they're going to be scary good. Of course, part one of that is assuming Michael Vick doesn't suddenly remember his career QB rating is 81. Or that Brett Favre suddenly remembers he's 81 (rimshot).

"Do you mind if we dance with your dates?"

Not sure what this has to do with anything. I just like the scene when they all get dates from the all-girls college by pretending to have been engaged to Fawn Leiberwitz. "She was just talking about making me a pot." Pep & Cheez had a clunker this week, putting up 46 after 213 in the first two weeks. Whether your best two position players are both tight ends, or your fiancee dies in a kiln explosion, it's a rough week.

"Daniel Simpson Day: has no grade point average, all courses incomplete."
Somehow I think a team lead by Matty Ice and the Chiefs and Seahawks' best running backs may not be headed for the playoffs. At 2-1, Tim & Kumar may beg to differ, but now tied for last in points scored may prove the point.

"No more fun of any kind!"

No I in I/T got a monster performance from the Law Firm and can look to ride McNabb's return to Philly this Sunday. Possibly losing Andre Johnson could put a bit of a damper on Coach Eickhorst's fun this year.

"As of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!"

Semi-P finally fell out of the ranks of the unbeaten after (gasp!) a disappointing effort from Jay Cutler last night. Needed 3 TDs, got one. On the plus side though, CJ Spiller showed a bit of a spark and Dustin Keller is tied for 15th in all non-QB scoring. If he keeps this up, people may start to think the Jets have an offense this year! But don't tell anyone!

"Seven years of college down the drain."

After scoring 97 in a week 1 win, the Turd follwed that with a 75 point effort for another win and followed that with a 51 point "effort" in week 3. If there is any quote involving drains, it almost automatically goes to the Turd, but this is not the kind of trend you want to set. Over/under for week 4 is 30. At least Brandon Jacobs kept his helmet out of the stands this week. Other than Shinacoe and Rodgers, this would have been a very scary team 7 years ago - McGahee, Addai, Muchostinko, TO, Hines Ward...

"Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!"

Listen to Coach Davey of Dunder Mifflin in her press conference after the game. "Hey" she said, "we got Brady, Rice, DeAngelo Williams, Crabtree and Gates. Have we been lucky so far? Maybe, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the only undefeated team in the league!" Well then!

"Look, these parades you throw are very expensive. You using my police, my sanitation people, and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So, if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken."

No reference here - just like the quote.

"Ramming Speed!"

On the other end of the ledger, Dales Doormats got off the Schneid this week. With Buckhalter, Ricky Williams, Mendenhall, Steve Smith, JerMichael, Percy Harvin, Mike Wallace and Eagles D, if they ever find out what happened to Carson Palmer's dead body, they could just get on a roll here!