Watchdog - Things I never thought I'd say

As a father of three young children, I have an unofficial list of things I never thought I'd say that goes beyond the normal "get your finger out of there" and "don't put those Cheerios in your nose" kind of stuff. And as commissioner of this league for going on 9 years now, I am thinking the same thing.

First, is the element of surprise, as the kid here ably demonstrates. "Have the Fatties finally built a playoff team?" They had four players score 20+ this week, three others score 10+, feature the #1 running back in the league and three solid WRs - maybe 5? When Larry Fitzgerald is your third-best WR, when Darren McFadden suddenly becomes relevant - if only for one week - and Matt Hasselbeck scores three TDs (2 passing, 1 rushing) in a week, is it a sign that things will be different for the Fatties this year? Or just a sign that things were different this week? By the way the phrases "Larry Fitzgerald is your third-best WR" and "Darren McFadden suddenly becomes relevant" are also things I never thought I'd say. It is a team that looks loaded and unafraid to show what they've got.

Sometimes you have to think outside the box, aim for something not readily apparent to get a good result (or at least a laugh). Nearly as stunning as the Fatties rise - "Has Eli Manning become a top fantasy QB?" The Turd put up the second-best point total for the week and had Easy E on the bench (rightly so) in favor of Aaron Rodgers. How about this: "Chad Muchostinko and TO have combined to make Cincy's passing game relevant again." And "If the Turd gets even moderate production from their RBs, they'll contend for the Enchilada this year." Right up there with "Henry, put down your carrots and eat your pizza."

Some things you don't necessarily want to know how it works - like the how congress works (that's a trick! It's the opposite of "progress"!), how sausage is made, what a real Scot wears under his kilt or how Pep & Cheez ended up as a playoff contender. Yes, "The team that finished the auction with $26 left over has a deep, balanced team and a great chance at making the playoffs." They got just 10 points from Schaub despite Houston taking Indy to the woodshed (another one!) and still put up the third-most points this week. And "Ladanian Tomlinson might have a little gas left in the tank." He was the only part of the Jets offense that wasn't totally offensive last night.

Another stunner - "Michael Vick is back! And I like it!" Look, this may be his highwater mark for the season, but watching him scramble, twist and sprint, it was vintage Vick. OK, "Vintage Vick" was never really that great in terms of fantasy QBs, but he can light it up. By the way, some advice - when you meet this girl at a kegger at whatever community college she ends up at, you may want to make sure you're not the one who drinks until you pass out. Not that I know anything about that...

And then there's "Matt Forte may be the next Marshall Faulk." Look I don't know what happened to Forte last year, and even as a rookie I never would have thought "Marshall Marshall Marshall" but if you saw him run through a surprisingly tough Detroit D (witness the 4 straight stuffs from inside the 1), and of course the Martz connection, that's what came to my mind. When Brandon Marshall and Randy Moss have better days, and they will, Brokerage will be hard to beat. Surprising? Perhaps not. Scary? Is Elmo scary? I guess it depends who you ask.

"David Garrard just got 10 more fantasy points than Drew Brees." That's all you need to know about the Sprockets' opening weekend. It's enough to make you want to...

"Semi-P is undefeated." OK yes it's only one game, but sometimes you have to get these things in while you can. Anyway, for one week at least, my predictions have taken a shot on the shnozz. How about this: "Jay Cutler has the second-most points of any fantasy QB."

"Mike Williams (former top pick by Matt Millen) has been turned into a starting WR by Pete Carroll and had more fantasy points than Andre Johnson this week." How many weird things are in that sentence?!?!

Fortunately, some things are very predictable: "Mark Sanchez threw for 74 yards and 2 fantasy points last night against Baltimore." Exciting game last night right Dunder Mifflin?




And your moment of Zen: "Natural Disaster left the highest scoring player in the league on the bench" in the person of "Yo Arian" Foster. (Please, "Bananas" was Barry Foster. Can we find a new nickname for this guy?) See? Everything's going to be all right.