Yo (Hello!). Perhaps you did not know this, but I can get down with da homeys with the best of them - axe any mutha! (Check with anyone.) It occurred to me a few days ago that I have neglected to make any actual pre-season predictions this year. So without further delay, I offer the Dr. William Gray Memorial Pre-Post-Season Predictions with a little help from my Peeps from Compton (friends from the Neighborhood):Fatties (or is that Phatties?) have scored more than 100 points 4 times this year, put up a mere 97 this week and had 89 in a week 2 loss. In total they are averaging exactly 100 points per game this year. To paraphrase the great Joe Theismann, I'm no Alfred Einstein, but I think that's da shizzle (pretty good)! How are they doing it? Rivers has the most points of any fantasy QB (though he's 0.6 behind Manning and Romo/Kitna in average). That Chris Johnson is da bomb! (seems to be pretty good at RB.) In 6 starts, Darren McFadden has nearly matched his rushing total from his first two seasons combined, and already has more TDs. Their receivers, Larry Fitzgerald, Santonio Holmes, Austin Collie and Mario Manningham, have been OK. They bost the second-highest scoring TE in the league in Mercedes Lewis and their Kickers and D have been solid, if unspectacular. Can they keep it up? Seahawks QBs are bad as back-ups and they have no depth at RB, but their starting 8 are clearly livin' it large (prospering).
The second-highest scoring team in the league through 8 weeks (114 behind the Phatties) is 3-5 Team Gump. While they lost their second straight, this week to Tim & Kumar, they had enough points on the bench not just to win, but to get high points for the week. Any team led by Peyton 
and Peterson is going to have some good weeks. With Tony Gonzalez and Brandon Lloyd they're more than a 2-man team. All their major players except Lloyd have already had a bye. Can they make a run at the playoffs? Any team starting a cracka (white person) like Danny Woodhead at RB clearly has depth issues, but if they stay healthy, they also clearly have enough 9z (firepower).
and Peterson is going to have some good weeks. With Tony Gonzalez and Brandon Lloyd they're more than a 2-man team. All their major players except Lloyd have already had a bye. Can they make a run at the playoffs? Any team starting a cracka (white person) like Danny Woodhead at RB clearly has depth issues, but if they stay healthy, they also clearly have enough 9z (firepower).The third-highest 
scoring team in the league is doz gantas (those gentlemen) known as Semi-Precious, (that would be Joe in the shades) also 3-5 after finally breaking that pesky 5-game losing streak. This week, Matthew Stafford bust a cap (did really well), with 4 TDs, three of which went to their own Calvin Johnson. Can they make a run at the playoffs? Stafford and CalJohn are clearly their best players at those positions. Throw in Jahvid Best and you have three Lions in the starting lineup - not generally a formula for success. They do have Reggie Wayne and Kenny Britt (if healthy) as well as Vernon Davis and Dustin Keller and are solid enough at K and D. Looking at Detroit's schedule, they face the Jets at home this week and the Patriots on Thanksgiving, followed two weeks later by the Packers. Otherwise they don't face anyone terrifying. They also have all their major players past their bye weeks. I say relying on the Lions too much will prevent them from reaching the playoffs, though I could see the Lions finishing at 8-8 and reprezentin' (playing pretty well) down the stretch.
scoring team in the league is doz gantas (those gentlemen) known as Semi-Precious, (that would be Joe in the shades) also 3-5 after finally breaking that pesky 5-game losing streak. This week, Matthew Stafford bust a cap (did really well), with 4 TDs, three of which went to their own Calvin Johnson. Can they make a run at the playoffs? Stafford and CalJohn are clearly their best players at those positions. Throw in Jahvid Best and you have three Lions in the starting lineup - not generally a formula for success. They do have Reggie Wayne and Kenny Britt (if healthy) as well as Vernon Davis and Dustin Keller and are solid enough at K and D. Looking at Detroit's schedule, they face the Jets at home this week and the Patriots on Thanksgiving, followed two weeks later by the Packers. Otherwise they don't face anyone terrifying. They also have all their major players past their bye weeks. I say relying on the Lions too much will prevent them from reaching the playoffs, though I could see the Lions finishing at 8-8 and reprezentin' (playing pretty well) down the stretch.
At last we come to the team dat is off da hook (with the best record in the league), the 7-1 Hundering Turd, a team with four RBs from two teams, a team featuring both halves of the TOcho Show, but a juggernaut nonetheless. They gladly scooped up Aaron Rodgers for this season and next at a bargain rate, and have two WRs in the top 5 in Roddy White and TO, but having no RBs in the top 20 will hurt. Shiancoe got off to a great start at TE, but has struggled as Favre has. Will we see Michael's older brother Tavaris at QB in Minnie? The Turd does feature Dan Carpenter at K, who tied a record with 10 FGs in two weeks, and Giants D, though inconsistent, has looked better of late with 11.75 ppg over their last 4 weeks, which is the 5th best in the league over that stretch. Can they keep it up? It would be hard to envision the Turd missing the playoffs with a 4-game lead on the 4th place teams and 5 to play. But it would also be hard to imagine a team featuring Mike Hart, Brandon Jacobs and Jonathan Stewart as their best RBs winning the Whole Enchilada. And may I just give a shout out (say thank you) to Coach Ken for having both halves of the TOcho Show on his team. Sometimes this stuff is too dope to fly (???). 
Next up is Natural Disaster, who put up 102 this week while three of their key starters were on a bye. Orton/Tebow may be terrible NFL QBs, but they're second in the league in total points and haven't been under 20 since week one. Having traded the #1 RB in the league in Yo Arian Foster (nearly 5 points per game more than Chris Johnson in 3rd), Disaster still features two other top 10 RBs plus #21 and 31. That depth is going to be essential as injuries occur down the stretch. Nicks has been all dat (stellar at WR), other than one game getting shut out, but Mike Williams at the #2 WR is a reach at best. If Eddie Royal gets healthy on the bye week, he could provide some key points. With Gates, Janikowski and Titans D, the Disaster feature the #1 players at each position at this point in the season. They currently hold a 1/2 game lead on Pep & Cheez and Tim & Kumar, but look likely to hold onto it and maybe wrest the division away from the Fatties. The sixth-highest scoring team in the league to date are the Sprockets, with exactly 666 points. Appropriately, perhaps, they are 2-6. They have been snake-bit by Drew Brees' underwhelming year. This week was the 4th time this year David Garrard has scored more than Brees. Jones-Drew and Mike Tolbert have been passable at RB, though for MJD, 14th best RB is saucy (a 
major disappointment), looking up at Peyton Hillis, the 31-year old Tomlinson and other non-auction picks such as Matt Forte, Rashard Mendenhall and Ahmad Bradshaw. At WR, Jeremy Maclin has been exceptional (8th best in the league), but Braylan Edwards, Devone Bess and Deion Branch make only so-so #2 WR options. Bo Scaife is your starting TE? Not good. Bironas and Pitt D are both currently #2 in the league in points per game at their positions and figure to eventually end up #1. Can the Sprockets make a run at the playoffs? Well, they're only 2 games out of second place. I say the Saints build on beating the Steelers and help the Sprockets make a run into the post-season. And that is two snaps around the world baby!
major disappointment), looking up at Peyton Hillis, the 31-year old Tomlinson and other non-auction picks such as Matt Forte, Rashard Mendenhall and Ahmad Bradshaw. At WR, Jeremy Maclin has been exceptional (8th best in the league), but Braylan Edwards, Devone Bess and Deion Branch make only so-so #2 WR options. Bo Scaife is your starting TE? Not good. Bironas and Pitt D are both currently #2 in the league in points per game at their positions and figure to eventually end up #1. Can the Sprockets make a run at the playoffs? Well, they're only 2 games out of second place. I say the Saints build on beating the Steelers and help the Sprockets make a run into the post-season. And that is two snaps around the world baby!The #7 scoring team in the league so far this year is the 2-6 Defending Champion Red Bandits. With almost half their team on a bye this week, they put together a semi-respectable 73 points, which would have beaten 7 of the other teams in the league but not the Disaster. So now they're 2-6 and have Jon Kitna and Jason Campbell as their QBs. Gore is their only solid RB (4th in RB points). Felix Jones, their #2, has one fewer point than the great Marcel Reese, and 3 fewer than 
"Hyundai" Williams (yes, I stole that line, but keep it real dawg). Jennings and Floyd are both top 20 WRs, but not top 10. Todd Heap is OK at TE. Ryan Succop (insert your own joke here) is pathetic as a starting K when there are four free agent kickers better than him available. Then we come to the Chargers D. SD entered this week's games with the #1 offense and the #1 defense in the NFL in yards gained and yards allowed and were 2-5. Looks to me like a "wait til next year" team. And the clock is officially counting down until they must hand their crown off and change their (awesome) team logo. Yes I know they're also 2 games out of 2nd place in the Canes Division, but with this team, it seems much more than that. Bottom line - Homey don't play dat.
"Hyundai" Williams (yes, I stole that line, but keep it real dawg). Jennings and Floyd are both top 20 WRs, but not top 10. Todd Heap is OK at TE. Ryan Succop (insert your own joke here) is pathetic as a starting K when there are four free agent kickers better than him available. Then we come to the Chargers D. SD entered this week's games with the #1 offense and the #1 defense in the NFL in yards gained and yards allowed and were 2-5. Looks to me like a "wait til next year" team. And the clock is officially counting down until they must hand their crown off and change their (awesome) team logo. Yes I know they're also 2 games out of 2nd place in the Canes Division, but with this team, it seems much more than that. Bottom line - Homey don't play dat. 
If you've gotten this far, you da bomb! (God Bless YOU!) And if you have gotten this far and still haven't found your team, something be whack (has probably gone wrong at some point this year). I guess that brings us to Team Brokerage. At 4-4, and with the 8th most points in the league, they ain't pigeons (not that awful). Pit QB, Yo Arian Foster, Michael Bush, Garcon, Marshall, Boldin and Witten should at least be passable. (And really, that's what we're all aiming for right?) But when both your QBs (Miami is the other) are looking up at two free agents who have cracked 20 points in a game a combined 3 times in 15 games, chances are you're in trouble. Foster has been great and Boldin is a top 10 WR. Lance Moore has been brilliant at times, but that is the problem with relying on Saints' WRs - Brees never throws to the same guy twice in a row. Moore has more double-digit point games than Kenny Britt and the same number as Collie, Reggie Wayne and Greg Jennings but has scored 25 points fewer dan dem homeys (than those guys). There are 7 free agent kickers better than Brokerage's Buehler and currently exactly one defense with fewer fantasy points than the Broncos, their only D. If they fix these easy things and stop giving away 4-5 points per week, they may hold off some strong contenders for a playoff spot.
Appropriately enough, tied for 9th most points are Pep & Cheez and Tim & Kumar, two teams that tied each other a few weeks ago. T&K have the "better" QBs, so we'll start there. Young and Ryan have, as stated in this space before, been underwhelming. Yet compared to Schaub and Cassel, they've been Steve Young in his prime. Conversely, Pep & Cheez have the real McCoy and LDT, both ahead of T&K's best RB, Jamaal Charles. T&K have the disappointing Austin Miles and Marques Colston (See comments on Lance Moore) along with Lee Evans, all of who are miles better than P&C's best WRs (Welker, Driver and Carolina's Steve Smith). I'd say neither team should make the playoffs, but apparently someone has to. I think it's a rule or something. Yes, they're both just 1/2 game ahead of Dale's Doormat and I in I/T, and 1.5 ahead of the Wombats, now we're really getting into the dregs of the league (no offense).
Speaking of dregs, Dale's Doormats are 11th in scoring at 180 points behind the Fatties (22.5 ppg). Where to begin? Carson Palmer stinks. LeGarrett "smokin' a" Blount, best known for cold-cocking a player in college, is his second-best RB. Percy Harvin is good. He has skill. I don't even know who James Starks is, but he's hurt and on Dale's roster for some reason. Eagles D is good, and Garrett Hartley, when he's not taking HGH, is decent. Not a good team. Oh yeah, and they beat Natural Disaster two weeks ago and got high points in the league this week. I almost forgot - an almost comical sequence of events this past Sunday morning. I'm on my way to the shore with the family and my blackberry starts buzzing and buzzing - 2-3 times, then four. When I get a minute I check and the last is an email from Dale saying he wants to pick up TB D and start them this week. Then Brokerage had a claim in and I in I/T also - all for TB D! Playing Arizona on the road? Well, it turns out they scored 21 points, including 2 defensive TDs, so I guess they wuz all dat (all knew something). 
Dunder Mifflin is 12th in the league in scoring, but I honestly don't know how they're so far behind. They have Brady (and his hair), DeAngelo Williams, Ray Rice, Ryan Torrain, Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, Jets D, NE K, Aaron Hernandez - this is not a bad team! OK, now Torrain and Williams are hurt and Moss got caught being Moss again and now they're going to struggle to hold off Gump and SP and the Sprockets. With all those injuries and Mosseries, I don't think they can do it. Sorry guys! And sorry about the trade...
And then there's I in I/T and the Wombats. I in I/T has McNabb at QB, who was benched for Rex Grossman?!?!? Dat be a chickenhead (an unattractive person). Otherwise, this isn't a bad team - Steven Jackson, Green-Ellis, Andre Johnson, Santana Moss, Kellen Winslow II, a very disappointing Ravens' D. On paper, they shouldn't be 213 points behind the Fatties. Maybe really only 196? Seriously, if they get a QB, they have a good chance to make up the 1/2 game that separates them from a playoff spot.Last and deservedly so, the Wombats are 3-5 and 219 points out of the High Score race. Eagles 
QBs have been good (4th in ppg average), and Hillis, Turner and Benson have been productive at RB. But when your top scoring WR is Jabar Gaffney, followed by Johnny Knox and Danny Amendola, your top TE is Jermaine Gresham and your only D is Allas, who seem to have mailed in the entire season, something's gotta give. Carrying Favre all season has hurt - turns out there was a reason he went for $7 in the auction. Playing him occassionally has hurt more. At least Coach Moose doesn't have to answer questions about benching him or any other news items Favre may have been involved with this season, if there were any.
QBs have been good (4th in ppg average), and Hillis, Turner and Benson have been productive at RB. But when your top scoring WR is Jabar Gaffney, followed by Johnny Knox and Danny Amendola, your top TE is Jermaine Gresham and your only D is Allas, who seem to have mailed in the entire season, something's gotta give. Carrying Favre all season has hurt - turns out there was a reason he went for $7 in the auction. Playing him occassionally has hurt more. At least Coach Moose doesn't have to answer questions about benching him or any other news items Favre may have been involved with this season, if there were any.So bottom line - Turd and Phatties win their divisions, Gump and the Sprockets make stirring comebacks to round out the playoffs in the Canes Division. And in the Quakes, Natural Disaster and I in I/T will meet in the first round. I like Disaster and Sprockets to advance with the Phatties edging the Sprockets in the finals. And dat is fo shizzle! (Or something...)
No comments:
Post a Comment