Watchdog Week 11 - I came, I drank, I stayed

(Picture of a dingy little cubicle: a few regulars looking for excuses not to do work. The email chime rings. The shout goes up: "WATCHDOG!")

And now, the Watchdahg will do his best "Cliffy" impersonation to give you the latest edition of "as the playoff picture turns."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?""I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

Eh, ya know Nahmy, ya godda be talkin bout the Fatties hee-yah. It's a little known fact that their line-up of Rivahs, Jowhnson and now Santonio Holmes, they got a chance to eclipse the 1993 Rings Around Uranus as the all-time fantasy football scoring champ. All they need is 236 points in the last two weeks. Either way, they treat their opponents the way you treat them beers, Nahmy!

"How's about a beer, Norm?""That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

I think you gotta be talking about Tim & Kumar here Nahmy. They won two in a row, and rode Fast Freddy Jackson to 108 points this week and a win over the Toid. They got a half game lead on Natural Disaster too with 2 to play. It's a little know fact that Fast Freddy did not get his nickname from his footspeed! No, in fact, he used to give up the most for Lent every year and all the other guys in his CCD class were jealous of him.

"What'll you have, Normie?""Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.""Looks like beer, Norm.""Call me Mister Lucky."

I tink you're talking There's an I in I/T now Nahmy. Despite a pee-utrid performance from Easy E against the Eagles, I/T got 19 points on Sunday night, just enough for a 98-97 win over Brokerage. And from the looks of Brokerage's new team photo, they are not happy about it. But I/T has four wins in a row and a full game lead on a playoff spawt. They bettah win out though - they scored the second fewest points in the league this year!

"What's shaking, Norm?""All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

OK, that's from when you was on MASH and put an entire billiahd bahl in yah mawth! That was high cahmedy Nahmy! But what's shakin' is clearly the Sprockets who put up theah second "most points of the week" award putting a hurtin' on the Wombats this week. Sprockets are still 2 games out of the playoffs with two games to play and two teams between them and Brokerage and Nahmy - that's too much!

"What's new, Normie?""Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

Are we allowed to make terrorist jokes still Nahmy? That may be crossing the line these days eh Nahmy? Still, if one thing is as sure as the headline "Trouble in the Middle East" it would be "Natural Disastah chokes away a playoff birth." In a week where 11 teams scored 84 or more and the average score of the other 13 teams was 96.8, Natural Disastah put up 53. Strangely enough, if Ohton and Tee-bow had scohed their average for da season, Disastah would have had enough to beat Dundah Mifflin. Ifs and buts was candy and nuts, right Nahmy?

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?""Going Down?"

Ah, Semi-P. Not su-ah this needs any more explanation Nahmy.

"What'd you like, Normie?""A reason to live. Give me another beer."

How 'bout dat Dundah Mifflin team Nahmy? They got 1 point from Crabtree and Moss and still won by 11 points ovah Disastah. And Brady, geez, don't get me stahted on the Pats. The worst 8-2 team I evah saw! Still Dundah's one win away from locking up a playoff spowt! How's that for a reason to live?!?!

(Coming in from the rain)"Evening everybody."Everybody: "Norm!""Still pouring, Norm?""That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

It was coming down points in the Gump-Fatties game Nahmy - Gump put up 110 and still lohst! That Peyton Manning is pretty good. And Woodhead (not you Woody) - I always liked him! They're one game behind Brokerage and have the toy-breakahs with the second-most points scored in the league.

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?""Like a baby treats a diaper."

Now why would someone change my face like dat Nahmy? Nahm! That's not funny! I don't even know what theah trying to say! Still, when I think of Fahve, I think of Dale's Dooahmats. They didn't have a bad week with 85 points, but it wasn't really that close against the Bandits. The Dooahmats ah 1 and 1/2 games out of the playoffs with 2 games left and no toy-breakahs. That reminds me of the once-a-decade cohnfluence of when Seahs and Redbook had theah catalogues come out in the same week. That's a painful week for a mailman Nahmy.

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.""I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

That's the Red Bandits tryin' to tell the season they're not ready to go home yet. I tell ya Nahmy, if the Cowboys had fired Wade Phillips two months ago, the Red Bandits might well be 7-4 right now instead of 4-7. That's how incompetent he was. Ya know, he'd fit in well on that bah stool next to you. Well, the Bandits are suddenly one game out of the playoffs with two to go and only 4 points behind Team Gump for the tie-breakah. Maybe they're tired of a certain eh Watchdahg callin' 'em "Lucky"all yee-ah.

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?""Another layer for the winter, Wood."

Do you remember when Diane asked how we can drink beeah on the coldest day of the year? And you said "$10 I'd have an answer, and $20 it'd be a doozy?" Well in the British East India Company (I think that was your $20 right there) they used to drink tea on the hottest day of the year because it balanced out their body temperature with the outside temperatures. And Diane says "then why do you drink beer in the hottest part of the summer?" And I said to her "What the hell else are you supposed to do with it?" Anyway, the Hundering Turd already clinched a playoff spowt. They're just putting on more layahs for the playoffs.

"Whatcha up to, Norm?""My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

Ah Nahmy, I love that Satuday Night Loive bit you did. By the by Nahmy, how ah you still aloive? And how is Pep & Cheez still aloive too? I mean they got Matt Cassel at Quawtahback, a 416 year old stahting running back and - it's a little know fact that no Receivah currently in the top 20 in the league in scoring did less in their first two years in the NFL than Steve Johnson. Yet here he is scoring 31 with three TDs for the Bills!

"How's life treating you, Norm?""Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

Well, Ben Rothlisbergah put up 40 points, got himself whacked in the face and had exactly no one on his team so much as breathe to Richahd Seymore about it. Interesting eh Nahmy? Brokerage didn't score the most points to lose this week, but they did get their hearts broken by that Eli guy and the Raven's D putting up 22 in one week against the Panthahs. I mean Brian St Pierre? How the heck are Brokerage supposed to combat that?!?

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?""It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

That's gotta be da Wombats. 84 points don't stink, but it wasn't gonna get it done against the Sprohkets this week. Sprohkets put up 122 points with one running back tied behind their back. If they'da stahted Mike Tolbert insteada Kevin Smith, they'da had nearly a Gross! Dats a lotta fantasy points Nahmy. Pooah Wombats.

And of cahse Nahmy, I can't do this whole thing without tellin' 'em your best line ever. Not sure what it has to do with Football, but still:

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

Watchdog Week 10 - Quick Quiz!

Quick quiz #1 - have you ever seen a better catch than this one?





Check it out on Youtube for the full impact. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WoqiBsqDd8




Yeah.



Quick quiz #2 - Have you ever seen a guy high-step backwards into the end zone?


At least that he learned something from his rookie season: he refrained from spiking the ball until he was all the way in this time. If the Cowboys had fired Wade Davis three weeks ago (or 10) how different might their season be? Or the Red Bandits'? 31 points from Kitna and 19 from Felix Jones against the #1 defense in the NFL. Such a shame. It may well be a lost season for the Red Bandits, but for one week anyway, they led the league in scoring, putting up eleventy-one on Pep & Cheez. P&C missed out on a 42-point performance from Matt Cassel?!?! Which is more improbable - that Cassel or Orton would put up 40+ fantasy points in a game? Or is it that they'd both do it in the same game?

"Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're as talented as I am."




Quick quiz #3 - who is #20 on the Seahawks? I don't know either.







Quick quiz #4 - which rookie TE did Tom Brady throw three TDs to this week?



A hint for Dunder Mifflin - it wasn't Aaron Hernandez. Hernandez went the first 9 games with 54 fantasy points. Sunday night he had 0. Rob Gronkowski went the first 9 games with 30 fantasy points total - 14 catches for 148 yards and 3 TDs. Sunday night he had 25.


The Wombats were down 24 going into Monday Night, with just 42 points, but managed to edge past Dunder Mifflin behind a 6-TD night for Michael Vick. I will leave you with this thought though as you prepare to overspend for Vick next season: remember Randall Cunningham, Dante Culpepper, Steve Beuerlein and all the other one-year wonder QBs. Eagles QBs are now averaging over 28 points per week.



Quick quiz #5 - True or False: "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is now official policy in the NFL.


Hint: You're supposed to wait until AFTER a play to hug your teammate.



Hint #2: These guys play on the same team as Tom Brady's hair.



Quick quiz #7 - which team got the better of the Moss/Torain for Gates trade, Dunder Mifflin or Natural Disaster?

For Dunder, they did have enough points on the bench to win it (99-98) if they had the perfect lineup in. They alertly picked up Mike Goodson on waivers, but then left him on the bench in favor of Ryan Torain, who spent last night riding an exercise bike on the sidelines. Not quite as deflating as seeing him show up in street clothes, but a close second. As you can see from the picture, Moss had trouble adjusting to his new team. Brady accounted for 4 TDs, which in other weeks would have easily been the best performance by a QB, but this week was good for 4th best. The answer to the quiz is closer than you might think - Moss and Torain total 31 points, Gates, Royal, Walter and Titans D combined have 21 points for Disaster while in the lineup.

Quick quiz #8 - a two-parter: a) who played QB for the Lions this week? and b) is he saying:


"I can't believe we just lost to the *^@#&# Bills!?!?"


or


"Wow, that's a lot of B.O!"










Quick quiz #9 - True or False: the Broncos O-Line got called for holding against the Chiefs at least once on Sunday.

Believe it or not, I know this one! The answer is false, despite what you see in the picture here. Nevertheless, Knowshon took full advantage leading I in I/T to their third straight win, this one over the mighty Hundering Turd. Sure, the Turd got a lucky TD on Roddy White's Michael Irvin-like push-off for a TD, but with Rodgers out and TO taking a turn from Muchostinko in quitting on his team, it left an opening for I/T. Any time you have four guys score 20+, chances are your team will do pretty well. Strangely, for the 5th time in 9 games, the Ravens' D scored 3 points or less, though they have vaulted all the way up to 27th on the fantasy D ranking.

Quick Quiz #10 - True or False: Coach Shanahan's "hawk a loogie onto my hand just before offering a handshake" ploy, passed down to all future Broncos coaches, was known by Chiefs' coach Todd Haley (which is why he refused to shake Josh McDaniels' hand). Part two - Andy Reid a) somehow didn't know about the ploy? or b) knew and didn't care?

For the Fatties, they fell one point shy of their 5th 100+ point game in 10 weeks, as David Akers got only 8 extra points. The Fatties' victim this week? Semi-P, who fall to 3-7, 2 games out of the playoffs with 3 to play. The 3-Lion starting lineup didn't help, but, their best-case scenario was a 3-point loss.





Quick Quiz #11: The Redskins gave their new "franchise QB" a $78mil apology for calling him a) too old; b) too fat; c) too crappy; d) too slow; or e) all of the above



Speaking of awful, Mets fans finally have a group of fans they can pity. Unfortunately, that would be you, Redskins' fans. Now granted, if you read Peter King's article today on SI.com, it's really something like $3.5mil guaranteed unless he is still their QB next season and then it's $25mil guaranteed, unless he gets hurt, in which case it's $40mil guaranteed. Maybe somebody better explain the word "guaranteed" to me - I don't think it means what I think it means. Anyway, the ink was still wet on the contract and McNabb had "led" his team to a 35-0 deficit, 2 minutes into the second quarter. I mean, even the Mets' season lasts longer than that before they're eliminated (usually).


Quick quiz #12 - Which team had already quit on their season, the Boys or the Gints? Yeah, I don't know that one either.





Meadowlark Lemon, eat your heart out!














Quick Quiz #13 - who does a better one-handed hand-stand push-up, LaGarrette Blount or Rocky Balboa?


No wonder Blount is a two-hit man (him hitting you, you hitting the floor). Such was the pain that Dale's Doormats brough on Team Brokerage. DD moved to within one game of a playoff spot while Brokerage maintained a narrow lead on Team Gump, though both are now 5-5.







Quick Quiz #14 - which team is most likely to offer Michael Vick $120mil guaranteed next year, the Vikings or the Vikings?



It's a trick question - the answer is the Vikings.


I wanted to find a picture of Favre attempting the leaping body-slam celebration. It would have been sweet justice if he had injured himself doing it and ended his career on that note after all the crap he's put us through over the last 6-8 years. Not that I'm sick of him or anything. I am looking forward to the Vikings offering Vick $120mil in the off-season and all. But isn't it hard not to feel sorry for the ol' gunslinger? Well, maybe not...

By the way, yes, those are Brett's Wranglers Jenn Sterger is wearing. And he's playing like a little girl. Coincidence?








Quick Quiz #15 - which team QB did Natural Disaster play, for the third time this season, the 18th-ranked Ravens or the 2nd-ranked Broncos?



If you guessed Broncos, you obviously haven't been following this space very long. What does that have to do with the picture here? Not a thing - I just liked the "group hug" the Boys were giving Ahmad.

I wanted to write about how unfair it was that Greg Olsen had a TD called back by a cheap penalty, but he scored for real on the next play. Fact is, Manning and Adrian Peterson put up a total of 14 points and Gump still won. Look at that again - Peyton had 185 yards and no TDs. Adrian had 51 rushing and 24 receiving and also no scores. But the Gumpsters had two WRs from the Shoot-out at the Mile High Corral and Bowe and Lloyd combined for 51 points. That was all she wrote. Interestingly, the Gumpsters are still carrying three TEs: the two on their bench totaled 30, while Tony G scored 3. Oops. Still, the Gumpsters are sitting 1 game back of the playoffs and are tied for most points scored in the division (remember, points scored is the first tie-breaker).

We're Havin' a (Tea) Party - SNL Style!

This week had a definite post-election feel to it, like the Tea Party was holding it's victory party in the PCFFL. The rich got richer, almost across the board - only one team currently with a losing record earned a win this week (congrats Wombats). I can only imagine how much fun Saturday Night Live would be having if McCain/Palin had won two years ago. Shall we find out? You betcha!

The Philadelphia Phatties continued their dominant performance, racking up their 5th high-points or tie for high points this year and their fifth straight win. They are the only team to beat the Turd, just edging them in week 3 (127-51). This performance, even with Chris Johnson on a bye, this dominance hasn't been seen since, well... They are Gumby, dammit!

The Hundering Turd rolled to a 6th straight win, making an astute trade that should work well for both them and I in I/T in the long run, giving up Eli the Great for Ben Green/Jarvis Ellis. This week, it probably cost the Turd high points as Wachootalkinbout Willis McGahee put up 12. Roddy White getting hurt is barely a blip for a team with Hines 57 Ward, and Muchostinko. When I look this team in the eyes, I can tell they have the legs of a dancer. Let's face it dahlings, they look mahvelous! This team is so good, their back-ups would have won high-points for the week back in week 7 and that with two backups on a bye! By the way, they clinched a playoff spot already, which you may say is lucky, but which Howard Cosell would tell you "is the residue of design."

Natural Disaster continued their wave of strange trades, offering up their only TE not on a bye this week in exchange for a WR they are not likely to need (Devone Bess), and their 3rd best RB for another WR (Malcolm "Which One is Pink") who was out for weeks 9 and 10. Despite all that, their game this week against Semi-P most resembled the one-on-one game between Sir Charles and a certain purple dinosaur.


In a key battle of mediocre teams fighting for a playoff spot, Team Brokerage and Pep & Cheez went into Monday Night Football tied at 58, Pep & Cheez with Pitt Kickers going and Brokerage with Big Ben Roofieberger. So Brokerage got a huge leg up in the playoff race in the Canes Division. But as H Ross Perot once memorably said "You can squat on a pit bull, but that don't getcha rhubarb pie." So there. Which would make Pep & Cheez Admiral Stockdale I suppose. Gridlock indeed. Very clever the way they pretended their hearing aid was off during the draft. And when they wandered off stage during the debate? Priceless. And when they scooped up Isaac Redman and drafted two TEs with the same bye week? Brilliant. Brilliant.


For Tim & Kumar, I am reminded very much of what is probably the single funniest bit in Saturday Night Live history. I have to include a link for this one because you have to see it to remember just how good it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPxPciXcJvc Now, you may not like Vince Young and you may think Austin Miles should be hung. You may not even know Danario and you rather think Snelling is kind of, well smelling. But try them! Try them and you will see, Jamaal Charles and Packers D, Louis Murphy and Chris Cooley! You may like them in a boat, you may like them with a goat! Try them, try them! It's not very hard - try them and you may like Tim & Kumar.

Dunder Mifflin also scored a major victory this week, edging the pesky Tim & Kumar squad despite having to start two players who were subsequently cut (Steve Double-D Breaston and Marcel Marceau Reece). But Dunder? You may think you're not good enough to make the playoffs, but you are. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggonit, people like you!

The other side of the trade with the Turd was I in I/T's acquisition of Eli the Great. Now I/T is not exactly loaded with talent, but they do have Steven Jackson, Sidney Rice, Andre Johnson and suddenly relevant Ravens' D (now that Ed Reed is back). If newly acquired Jonathan Stewart hadn't gotten a bump on his widdle noggin, this team could perhaps make some noise. Eli the Great is averaging 28.25 ppg over the last 4. If only winter wasn't coming on. But at least they're not living in a van down by the river! And at least they're not one of these teams:

The Wombats are a curious team. They have three decent QBs in Philly, Buffalo (well statistically) and Minnesota. They have four RBs who scored at least 13 points this weekend - Peyton Hillis, Michael Turner, Cedric Benson and Bo Jackson. But their best WR is Vincent Jackson, not available until week 12. With Jacoby Jones, Jabar Gaffney and Johnny Knox rounding out the WR corps, and no TE to speak of, one has to wonder if it wouldn't be prudent to trade someone like Bo Jackson for a top WR. I mean Bo Jackson is one of the top running backs in NFL history. You see his commercials all the time. And in video games? Wow! Unstoppable! And he's riding the bench for the Wombats! What? Brandon Jackson? Nevermind...

Team Gump had the bad fortune to go against the Fatties this week. They are 3-6 but wiht the third most points in the league. You know who could coach this team? You know who could bring this team to the playoffs? Ditka. Ditka!

Semi-P found out what it's like to rely on Detroit players to put a big win, losing to Natural Disaster with one Tight End tied behind their back. They are the 5th highest-scoring team in the league, but a team featuring Marion Barber III and CJ Spiller - and for God's sake, why is Fred Taylor still on this team? He hasn't played since week 3 and had only 9 points total in the first three weeks anyway. At 34, I think it's safe to say he's done. Please just cut him already!

Dale's Doormats put up a valiant effort against the mighty Turd. Their 88 points would have beaten 8 other teams this week, but not the guys on their schedule. Having Palmer throw all but 107 yards passing to the Turd's TO along with both TD passes made this one not nearly as close as it looked going into Monday Night. But wait! Who could that be at the door? Is that the Watchdog, telling Coach Dale he can't win with Carson Palmer as his starting QB?

Well, if I didn't have Sprockets for the Sprockets, I suppose I'd probably be fired. At 2-7 despite having the 7th most points in the league, they are far from being "as happy as a little girl" as Deiter was here. Their two best players (Brees and MJD) played like a baby's head and a toilet. Did they mean for me to scream?

So that's the team that won 2 seasons ago. Which leaves the defending champion Red Bandits, also 2-7 on the season. As a team and as individual players, it's a season that plays out much like a "Where Are They Now" episode on the Little Rascals. Sure, the Bandits once were great. Now it's "Unce, tice, fee time a maybe" with guys like Romo and Frank Gore. Greg Jennings? DeSean Jackson? #2 WRs both of them. Felix Jones? Darren Sproles? Please. Portis? Cooked. Derrick Ward? He's Shelley Long of running backs - never should have left Cheers. On a team with no stars, they needed more depth, and they ended up with none. Like Buckwheat singing the classics, they were Wookin' Po Nub in all the wrong places.

Pre Post-Season Predictions From the Neighborhood, Yo!

Yo (Hello!). Perhaps you did not know this, but I can get down with da homeys with the best of them - axe any mutha! (Check with anyone.) It occurred to me a few days ago that I have neglected to make any actual pre-season predictions this year. So without further delay, I offer the Dr. William Gray Memorial Pre-Post-Season Predictions with a little help from my Peeps from Compton (friends from the Neighborhood):

Fatties (or is that Phatties?) have scored more than 100 points 4 times this year, put up a mere 97 this week and had 89 in a week 2 loss. In total they are averaging exactly 100 points per game this year. To paraphrase the great Joe Theismann, I'm no Alfred Einstein, but I think that's da shizzle (pretty good)! How are they doing it? Rivers has the most points of any fantasy QB (though he's 0.6 behind Manning and Romo/Kitna in average). That Chris Johnson is da bomb! (seems to be pretty good at RB.) In 6 starts, Darren McFadden has nearly matched his rushing total from his first two seasons combined, and already has more TDs. Their receivers, Larry Fitzgerald, Santonio Holmes, Austin Collie and Mario Manningham, have been OK. They bost the second-highest scoring TE in the league in Mercedes Lewis and their Kickers and D have been solid, if unspectacular. Can they keep it up? Seahawks QBs are bad as back-ups and they have no depth at RB, but their starting 8 are clearly livin' it large (prospering).

The second-highest scoring team in the league through 8 weeks (114 behind the Phatties) is 3-5 Team Gump. While they lost their second straight, this week to Tim & Kumar, they had enough points on the bench not just to win, but to get high points for the week. Any team led by Peyton and Peterson is going to have some good weeks. With Tony Gonzalez and Brandon Lloyd they're more than a 2-man team. All their major players except Lloyd have already had a bye. Can they make a run at the playoffs? Any team starting a cracka (white person) like Danny Woodhead at RB clearly has depth issues, but if they stay healthy, they also clearly have enough 9z (firepower).

The third-highest scoring team in the league is doz gantas (those gentlemen) known as Semi-Precious, (that would be Joe in the shades) also 3-5 after finally breaking that pesky 5-game losing streak. This week, Matthew Stafford bust a cap (did really well), with 4 TDs, three of which went to their own Calvin Johnson. Can they make a run at the playoffs? Stafford and CalJohn are clearly their best players at those positions. Throw in Jahvid Best and you have three Lions in the starting lineup - not generally a formula for success. They do have Reggie Wayne and Kenny Britt (if healthy) as well as Vernon Davis and Dustin Keller and are solid enough at K and D. Looking at Detroit's schedule, they face the Jets at home this week and the Patriots on Thanksgiving, followed two weeks later by the Packers. Otherwise they don't face anyone terrifying. They also have all their major players past their bye weeks. I say relying on the Lions too much will prevent them from reaching the playoffs, though I could see the Lions finishing at 8-8 and reprezentin' (playing pretty well) down the stretch.

At last we come to the team dat is off da hook (with the best record in the league), the 7-1 Hundering Turd, a team with four RBs from two teams, a team featuring both halves of the TOcho Show, but a juggernaut nonetheless. They gladly scooped up Aaron Rodgers for this season and next at a bargain rate, and have two WRs in the top 5 in Roddy White and TO, but having no RBs in the top 20 will hurt. Shiancoe got off to a great start at TE, but has struggled as Favre has. Will we see Michael's older brother Tavaris at QB in Minnie? The Turd does feature Dan Carpenter at K, who tied a record with 10 FGs in two weeks, and Giants D, though inconsistent, has looked better of late with 11.75 ppg over their last 4 weeks, which is the 5th best in the league over that stretch. Can they keep it up? It would be hard to envision the Turd missing the playoffs with a 4-game lead on the 4th place teams and 5 to play. But it would also be hard to imagine a team featuring Mike Hart, Brandon Jacobs and Jonathan Stewart as their best RBs winning the Whole Enchilada. And may I just give a shout out (say thank you) to Coach Ken for having both halves of the TOcho Show on his team. Sometimes this stuff is too dope to fly (???).

Next up is Natural Disaster, who put up 102 this week while three of their key starters were on a bye. Orton/Tebow may be terrible NFL QBs, but they're second in the league in total points and haven't been under 20 since week one. Having traded the #1 RB in the league in Yo Arian Foster (nearly 5 points per game more than Chris Johnson in 3rd), Disaster still features two other top 10 RBs plus #21 and 31. That depth is going to be essential as injuries occur down the stretch. Nicks has been all dat (stellar at WR), other than one game getting shut out, but Mike Williams at the #2 WR is a reach at best. If Eddie Royal gets healthy on the bye week, he could provide some key points. With Gates, Janikowski and Titans D, the Disaster feature the #1 players at each position at this point in the season. They currently hold a 1/2 game lead on Pep & Cheez and Tim & Kumar, but look likely to hold onto it and maybe wrest the division away from the Fatties.

The sixth-highest scoring team in the league to date are the Sprockets, with exactly 666 points. Appropriately, perhaps, they are 2-6. They have been snake-bit by Drew Brees' underwhelming year. This week was the 4th time this year David Garrard has scored more than Brees. Jones-Drew and Mike Tolbert have been passable at RB, though for MJD, 14th best RB is saucy (a major disappointment), looking up at Peyton Hillis, the 31-year old Tomlinson and other non-auction picks such as Matt Forte, Rashard Mendenhall and Ahmad Bradshaw. At WR, Jeremy Maclin has been exceptional (8th best in the league), but Braylan Edwards, Devone Bess and Deion Branch make only so-so #2 WR options. Bo Scaife is your starting TE? Not good. Bironas and Pitt D are both currently #2 in the league in points per game at their positions and figure to eventually end up #1. Can the Sprockets make a run at the playoffs? Well, they're only 2 games out of second place. I say the Saints build on beating the Steelers and help the Sprockets make a run into the post-season. And that is two snaps around the world baby!

The #7 scoring team in the league so far this year is the 2-6 Defending Champion Red Bandits. With almost half their team on a bye this week, they put together a semi-respectable 73 points, which would have beaten 7 of the other teams in the league but not the Disaster. So now they're 2-6 and have Jon Kitna and Jason Campbell as their QBs. Gore is their only solid RB (4th in RB points). Felix Jones, their #2, has one fewer point than the great Marcel Reese, and 3 fewer than "Hyundai" Williams (yes, I stole that line, but keep it real dawg). Jennings and Floyd are both top 20 WRs, but not top 10. Todd Heap is OK at TE. Ryan Succop (insert your own joke here) is pathetic as a starting K when there are four free agent kickers better than him available. Then we come to the Chargers D. SD entered this week's games with the #1 offense and the #1 defense in the NFL in yards gained and yards allowed and were 2-5. Looks to me like a "wait til next year" team. And the clock is officially counting down until they must hand their crown off and change their (awesome) team logo. Yes I know they're also 2 games out of 2nd place in the Canes Division, but with this team, it seems much more than that. Bottom line - Homey don't play dat.

If you've gotten this far, you da bomb! (God Bless YOU!) And if you have gotten this far and still haven't found your team, something be whack (has probably gone wrong at some point this year).

I guess that brings us to Team Brokerage. At 4-4, and with the 8th most points in the league, they ain't pigeons (not that awful). Pit QB, Yo Arian Foster, Michael Bush, Garcon, Marshall, Boldin and Witten should at least be passable. (And really, that's what we're all aiming for right?) But when both your QBs (Miami is the other) are looking up at two free agents who have cracked 20 points in a game a combined 3 times in 15 games, chances are you're in trouble. Foster has been great and Boldin is a top 10 WR. Lance Moore has been brilliant at times, but that is the problem with relying on Saints' WRs - Brees never throws to the same guy twice in a row. Moore has more double-digit point games than Kenny Britt and the same number as Collie, Reggie Wayne and Greg Jennings but has scored 25 points fewer dan dem homeys (than those guys). There are 7 free agent kickers better than Brokerage's Buehler and currently exactly one defense with fewer fantasy points than the Broncos, their only D. If they fix these easy things and stop giving away 4-5 points per week, they may hold off some strong contenders for a playoff spot.

Appropriately enough, tied for 9th most points are Pep & Cheez and Tim & Kumar, two teams that tied each other a few weeks ago. T&K have the "better" QBs, so we'll start there. Young and Ryan have, as stated in this space before, been underwhelming. Yet compared to Schaub and Cassel, they've been Steve Young in his prime. Conversely, Pep & Cheez have the real McCoy and LDT, both ahead of T&K's best RB, Jamaal Charles. T&K have the disappointing Austin Miles and Marques Colston (See comments on Lance Moore) along with Lee Evans, all of who are miles better than P&C's best WRs (Welker, Driver and Carolina's Steve Smith). I'd say neither team should make the playoffs, but apparently someone has to. I think it's a rule or something. Yes, they're both just 1/2 game ahead of Dale's Doormat and I in I/T, and 1.5 ahead of the Wombats, now we're really getting into the dregs of the league (no offense).

Speaking of dregs, Dale's Doormats are 11th in scoring at 180 points behind the Fatties (22.5 ppg). Where to begin? Carson Palmer stinks. LeGarrett "smokin' a" Blount, best known for cold-cocking a player in college, is his second-best RB. Percy Harvin is good. He has skill. I don't even know who James Starks is, but he's hurt and on Dale's roster for some reason. Eagles D is good, and Garrett Hartley, when he's not taking HGH, is decent. Not a good team. Oh yeah, and they beat Natural Disaster two weeks ago and got high points in the league this week. I almost forgot - an almost comical sequence of events this past Sunday morning. I'm on my way to the shore with the family and my blackberry starts buzzing and buzzing - 2-3 times, then four. When I get a minute I check and the last is an email from Dale saying he wants to pick up TB D and start them this week. Then Brokerage had a claim in and I in I/T also - all for TB D! Playing Arizona on the road? Well, it turns out they scored 21 points, including 2 defensive TDs, so I guess they wuz all dat (all knew something).

Dunder Mifflin is 12th in the league in scoring, but I honestly don't know how they're so far behind. They have Brady (and his hair), DeAngelo Williams, Ray Rice, Ryan Torrain, Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, Jets D, NE K, Aaron Hernandez - this is not a bad team! OK, now Torrain and Williams are hurt and Moss got caught being Moss again and now they're going to struggle to hold off Gump and SP and the Sprockets. With all those injuries and Mosseries, I don't think they can do it. Sorry guys! And sorry about the trade...

And then there's I in I/T and the Wombats. I in I/T has McNabb at QB, who was benched for Rex Grossman?!?!? Dat be a chickenhead (an unattractive person). Otherwise, this isn't a bad team - Steven Jackson, Green-Ellis, Andre Johnson, Santana Moss, Kellen Winslow II, a very disappointing Ravens' D. On paper, they shouldn't be 213 points behind the Fatties. Maybe really only 196? Seriously, if they get a QB, they have a good chance to make up the 1/2 game that separates them from a playoff spot.

Last and deservedly so, the Wombats are 3-5 and 219 points out of the High Score race. Eagles QBs have been good (4th in ppg average), and Hillis, Turner and Benson have been productive at RB. But when your top scoring WR is Jabar Gaffney, followed by Johnny Knox and Danny Amendola, your top TE is Jermaine Gresham and your only D is Allas, who seem to have mailed in the entire season, something's gotta give. Carrying Favre all season has hurt - turns out there was a reason he went for $7 in the auction. Playing him occassionally has hurt more. At least Coach Moose doesn't have to answer questions about benching him or any other news items Favre may have been involved with this season, if there were any.

So bottom line - Turd and Phatties win their divisions, Gump and the Sprockets make stirring comebacks to round out the playoffs in the Canes Division. And in the Quakes, Natural Disaster and I in I/T will meet in the first round. I like Disaster and Sprockets to advance with the Phatties edging the Sprockets in the finals. And dat is fo shizzle! (Or something...)